Raptor Jesus
“He went extinct for your sins to save you from Satanasaurus Rex”
“The Corinthians' third letter to Raptor Jesus came back slashed and stained with blood.”
Raptor Jesus roamed the Earth back when God Himself was still only a teenager. His execution is thought to be the cause of the extinction of the dinosaurs, as God was mad at the Romans for aiding in His son's death. Raptor Jesus attended Michigan State University where he double majored Philosophy and Human Sexuality. Raptor Jesus went on to earn his PhD in aerospace engineering at University of Florida. Later, Raptor Jesus got bored, so he went on to receive his CPA certification in the state of New Jersey. His academic career was constantly challenged by his ladysmanship. He did become the manager at Hooters. He has retired to El Paso, Texas, where he is considering opening a crochet supply boutique with an elderly prostitute.
History[edit]
During the Mesozoic era, God went through an experimental Scales phase, similar to Picasso's Blue period. Rather than making beings in his own image, he populated the Earth with giant lumbering reptiles. Other scriptures such as the Dead Primordial Sea scrolls suggest that God was actually a dinosaur during his teens, and was the true inspiration for Godzilla.
While known to themselves as "Giant Awesomes", dinosaurs kept no written records, so scientists did not learn their real name until modern technology made it possible to read their fossilized minds. At first, the dinosaurs rampaged at will, eating each other, stepping on houses, and generally causing major property damage. God was forced to intervene when His mother found out about the world He had created, and ordered Him to "clean up this mess before your father gets home."
Unwilling to enter His world, God created Raptor Jesus. Raptor Jesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic theory of Evolution by fostering a new belief in Intelligent Design. Opponents of his theory, primarily the Romans, viciously attacked Him and His followers, condemning them to extinction via PBS and really bad singing.
Miracles[edit]
God had originally intended Raptor Jesus to simply preach to his fellow dinosaurs, however his early doctrine consisted mostly of low production value skits and rewrites of Metallica songs. In order to impress the dinosaur brethren in higher numbers, God's Secretary of Divine Intervention, Triceratops Goldbaum granted Raptor Jesus the ability to perform miracles with a temporary license, based on his fantastically high credit score and W-2.
The following year, Raptor Jesus overnight built an entire town of self sustaining low income subsidized housing for his followers. He was hailed a saint by Dinosaur Greenpeace, and that night held a feast of 1,000 souls. During the feast, Raptor Jesus spat on an amputee and covered her with mud, so that she'd spawn new limbs. However, although she did grow new limbs, she remained paralyzed in all of them, after all he was just one raptor. Raptor Jesus has also been credited with the ability to turn water into factory fresh Diet Fresca™. Further miracles are still attributed to Raptor Jesus to this day. It has been proven that people suffering from cancer who call of Raptor Jesus experience momentary feelings of health. Chuck Norris calls on Raptor Jesus to give him his strength in every roundhouse kick he performs.
Final Days[edit]
By his early twenties, God grew bored of reptiles. Raptor Jesus' good intentions, kindness to his fellow reptiles, and impressive water walking skills had converted the entire dinosaur population.
God felt that His game had gotten so effing lame that He wiped out the dinosaurs by smashing the earth with a giant asteroid PS3 (though some, primarily Raptor Gnostics, claim it was a Wii) and started over. Some have argued that it was a XBox that was actually involved in the impact, scientists claim this has been proven false as it happened so long ago that it could only be a Dreamcast.
Other scholars attribute the extinction to Raptor Jesus's environmentally friendly certification, which had low standards on the Paleozoic.
The Raptor Bible[edit]
After Raptor Jesus' death, his teachings were collected in the Raptor Bible. It shows many of his most popular sayings, including "Grrrrrrrr" and "ROOOOOOOAAAAAAR"; as well as the most popular of all: "Grating, high-pitched screech". It also contains prophecies of what is to come in the future of dinosaurs and Raptor Jesus, though this information is kept secret by the Lutheran Church. Copies are not available to the general public, and are only open to Lutheran Church members, dinosaurs, and the guys who made Canadian bacon. They are written in heiroglyphic Jurassic German, anyhow.
To quote Oviraptorosaurians 3:13, "A person cannot live on ramen alone but every word that Raptor Jesus (God) speaks. RAAAR."
There is also a fair amount of commentary on his teachings, as well as fun little poems about the big master of epic himself.
To quote Utahraptors 5:e
- "Raptor Jesus had a lamb,
- He ate it with mint jelly.
- And everywhere that RJ went,
- The lamb went in his belly."
The final book of the Raptor Bible, Rawrvelations, was written by Raptor Jesus's apostle, Dylasaur, after he received visions of Earth's end times while guzzling absinthe and huffing kittens. His visions of The VelociRapture, Armageddon, and ants crawling out of his skin are all described in horrifying detail. According to scripture, Gabriel will blow his horn, and believers will raise their arms to the heavens, but their flesh will be ripped from their bones and sucked into the sky, because Raptor Jesus is hungry and loves the taste of gullibility.
Raptor Jesus in Popular Culture[edit]
Raptor Jesus has appeared in numerous films over the years. Nazareth Park was a hit in 1996 and was soon followed by Nazareth Park 2: The Lost Word. The film series finished off with Nazareth Park III: Trinity, although the latter two were direct-to-DVD (namely because of the commercial failure of the first).
Modern Beliefs[edit]
Today, few can refute the evidence that Raptor Jesus once roamed the Earth. In the late 20th century, many foresaw his return, when the world would see his glory one last time in an event known as The Age of Rawr. Recently, he has become known in smaller communities as the only major religious competition for the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is said the two may be having space wars in a galaxy far, far away with freaky intros and Wookiees.
A common misconception is that Philosoraptor is the rebirth of Raptor Jesus, this though was dismissed by the head of Raptor Worship going by the common day name of Ron Paul inside the grand church of Raptor Jesus located in Moab, Utah.
Following His extinction, those strong in the faith of Raptor Jesus began bickering and ripping each other to shreds with their claws (similar to the later Christian movement in the Mediterranean). However, following the acceptance of creeds and all, the Cretaceous Church was accepted as the "catholic" church. It was headed by the pope, who was always a Tyrannosaurus, because they are scavengers and lack the means to masturbate. However, the Oviraptors did not agree with the T-rexes taking charge, so they made the Oviraptor Church, located in the east of Pangaea. A few centuries following the split, the Cretaceous Church soon found an enemy; the religion of Ice-lam, whose followers were called "Mastadons." The battles involved a lot of hardcore street fights, and the voice talents James Earl Jones and Freddie Prinze Jr; as well as the first recorded "full-contact tic-tac-toe" event in history.
See also[edit]
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |