Jared Kushner

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Jared Kushner: The First Ferret-in-Law

Jared Corey "In the House" Kushner (born January 10, 1981) is the thin faced, whitebread special adviser to President Donald Trump. He is also the Son-in-Law and perhaps the only man Trump is jealous of by marrying his daughter Ivanka Trump.

Kushner has no official position in the White House except he has been apparently task for letting Israel to annex the rest of the Palestinian territories under the guise of 'housing development'. Kushner is expected to add a few more Trump Hotels to this expected 'final plan' for the region.


Jared Kushner: The First Son-in-Law

Kushner's family originally came from what is now Belarus. The Kushner's were orthodox jews who had survived Hitler and Stalin. They could have gone to Israel after the Second World War but instead moved to the USA.

Jared's father Charles Kushner became a real estate speculator in New Jersey. He got to know Fred Trump (father of Donald), though at first the family were slightly wary considering the Trump family's known involvement in the Ku Klux Klan. However both shared an interest in the Mafia. A business alliance was cultivated.

Silver Spoons[edit]

Charles Kushner ensured Jared got all the best education his money could buy. The spindly, sick looking Jared was no great wow as an intellect or someone you could share a glass of champagne with. But daddy's money was good enough for Harvard.

It was around this time that Kushner's family ran into a flesh roadblock called Chris Christie in 2004. The portly Republican who was then United States Attorney for the District of New Jersey, jailed Charles Kushner behind bars for some illegal political jiggery pokery. The ice cold Jared wrote down on a note one word; 'REVENGE'.


Jared Kushner: The First Son-in-Law

In the early 2000s Jared agreed to marry Ivanka Trump. This was for property reasons and Jared's hope to tap into the Trump Russian connections. The ice cold Jared barely registered any emotion when he married Ivanka. She had to give up her career as a catwalk model/pole dancer/'fashion brand ambassador' and to convert to Orthodox Judaism (no more shellfish for you Ivanka). Ivanka agreed and volunteered her body to be child-productive. Four Kushners were born in rapid succession.

Ivanka Trump: The First Daughter but Second Boobs after Melania

At this time Kushner hoped to make money with Barack Obama via an expected victory for Hillary Clinton in 2008. However, Barack Obama got the Democrat Party nomination. This was a set back for Kushner. He physically disliked the equally slender Obama, jealous that the new president looked better in a suit than he did.

Instead Kushner embarked on a new career as a media tycoon by purchasing the New York Observer, a real-estate news sheet masquerading as a newspaper. The title of owner gave Kushner access to the elite in the city and with Ivanka, they became a 'power couple' in Manhattan. They also provided the Trump name with a more polished image compared the brutish-oafish traditions of Donald and his equally cruel and corrupt father Fred 'KKK' Trump.


Jared Kushner: The First Son-in-Law

Trump's decision to make a presidential run were at first treated as a joke by Kushner. He reminded Trump that a few years back he had been a pro-choice, anti-gun Democrat. Now Trump had flipped parties as anti-abortion, pro-gun Republican. Trump said it was a business decision. They were more Republican suckers than Democrat ones. Kushner (a registed Democrat) went along with this and acted as his father-in-law's bag carrier (though not literary, Trump had American Apprentice show runners for that).

Election 2016[edit]

Jared Kushner: The First Son-in-Law

Kushner threw himself into organising the Trump campaign and see what the Russians may had to assist. It was under his authority that the Russkies turned up to Trump Tower to dish a large pile of alleged dirt on Hillary's mental condition.

However, one person in particular was viewed as a political enemy. The cake hole otherwise known as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. When Christie's own presidential ambitions were squashed, he waddled over to the Trump camp to offer his services. Trump - at the urgings of Kushner - at first tried to keep Christie away. Also there was the family matter that Christie had put Kushner's father in jail for tax fraud.


Jared's first job(s) at the White House was as follows:

'The joke is over Mike Pompeo'. Jared objects to a man hug
  • Don't Get Found Out.
  • Make deals Saudi Arabia.
  • Fix the Middle East for Israel.
  • Make the Palestinians the Red Skins of the Orient.
  • Tax-exemption.

So far Jared has said very little or nothing at all about any of this. The thin white man is also the silent stiff.


What vision Kushner has beyond lining his own pockets is not known. He is still apparently a 'Democrat' but that means nothing. Perhaps he hopes to become the First Man if Trump hands over the presidency to Ivanka. Now there's an ugly thought.

Nobel Peace Prize[edit]

Jared has been nominated for an Nobel Peace Prize for missing in action whilst avoiding his father-in-law's phonecalls.