Donald Trump Jr.

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Clean-shaven Don Junior pre-2018, before he grew a beard while hunting in Yukon.

“Donald Trump Jr. is face-twitchingly tremendous!”

~ Donald Trump Jr. on Donald Trump Jr.

Donald John Trump Jr. (born December 31, 1977) is an American businessman, former reality television personality, and CGI twitchy cocaine addict. He is the eldest, most well-pampered brat/manchild of the 45th president of the United States, Donald Trump, and his first wife, Ivana. Better known as "Don Junior" (or "DJ"), he is now the current acting head of the Trump Organization. He graduated from Trump University with a Genius-Level qualification.

Early life[edit]

Don Junior's parents split when his father ran after model Marla Maples, on a maple farm in Vermont. Maples would always make pancakes with maple syrup just for her stepchildren, without leaving a single stack for DJ. For a year Don Junior refused to see his father and would spit every time he heard his name on television. However they were reconciled by Don Junior's grand daddy Fred Trump (or Tromp, as he was known then; he was still passing himself off as a Dutchman). Junior soon showed no aptitude for anything and so got a job in the family firm.

The "boy" grew up to be tall with a vampiric pale look. His siblings Ivanka Trump and Eric Trump initially looked up to him until they realized he was no better than anyone. About this time Junior took up the family membership card of the Ku Klux Klan in memory of grandfather Fred, who had recently died.

Business career[edit]

Don Junior took on a few jobs at the Trump Organization. He started at the bottom rung (to get the "mood" of the business) by crowbarring doors of tenants who refused to pay rent increases and making threatening phone calls. Junior then graduated at the higher end of stuff the Trumps liked to do, including "stiffing" contractors and opening bank accounts in Russia.

Though Junior is currently nominally in charge of the Trump Organization, everyone knows it's Big Daddy Donnie who really calls the shots.

Political career[edit]

Don Junior and Don Senior. D-d-don't don't stop the beat, c-c-can't control their feet.

Junior joined his father's Presidential candidate team in 2015 when his father announced his candidacy. Yo Lil' Donnie used his Russian contacts for any "bad intel" on Hillary Clinton.

In June 2016, Junior organized a meeting of the Russian Kiddy Wink Adoption Bureau in Trump Tower. Also in attendance was Jared Kushner and other trusted Trump lackeys, who thought "Adoption Bureau" was a pseudonym for Russian hookers. In the end it was neither children or whores that were on the menu; it was Vladimir Putin's proposed condominium in Trump Tower after he retired from Russian politics. Don Junior said that was "all that happened", yet a few days later Don Senior was asking for Russia to release all their stolen emails from Hillary's private server and put it out in public.

In Deep Shit[edit]

Donald Trump Jr. saves the world from a man-eating water buffalo. It's now safe to go back into the water.

This meeting in Trump Tower landed Don Junior in Deep Shit and gave him plenty of grief from Robert Mueller's Russiagate investigation. Mueller was convinced Donnie is up to his crotch in collusion and corruption under the direction of the President. The strain of these allegations and the unfavorable comments about his Big Game Hunting hobby eventually broke up Junior's marriage.

Don Junior couldn't stay out of Deep Shit for long, as he later attempted to overturn the 2020 presidential election following his father's humiliating loss to Sleepy Joe Biden, advocating "total war" over traditional vote counting. On that fateful day of January 6, 2021, Junior spoke at the rally that encouraged a MAGA Mob to attack Congress, where he told Don Senior's opponents that "we're coming for you." Junior is currently under investigation by the D.C. attorney general, charged with inciting the violent attack on the U.S. Capitol.

Personal life[edit]

Junior's family.

In 2005, Trump Jr. married Vanessa Trump; they have five children: Donald Trump III, Fred Trump IV, Aryan Trump, Eva Trump, and Kim Trump. All have been given extensive gun training to assist Daddy when he goes on his regular hunts of the fearsome prairie dogs and possums.

Since 2018, Don Junior has moved out of the family home and now lives in a log cabin in the grounds of the White House. His father says "Junior" needs to "put it about a bit", so expect a few more marriages down the road for Lil' Donnie.

See also[edit]