A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity
“This book made me realize why modern humans don't read.”
“They ripped me off.”
“Seven hundred thousand thumbs way up. Certified as anti-liberal awesome.”
A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity is book written by Bill O'Reilly, although written isn't the correct term because all he did was relentlessly shout at his ghostwriter laptop until his book of ideals was mass produced.
Plot[edit]
Chapters 1-3[edit]
In these chapters of the book Bill talks about his childhood. Bill grew up in a highly conservative upscale town and therefore had the liberal agenda breathing down his neck at every turn. As he puts it in the book, "One time I saw a homeless guy on the street, realizing he hadn't worked hard enough in his life I took a shit on his face and then had him arrested." Bill's first near death encounter with the liberals was over, but he wasn't safe. Suddenly, in school he found that all his textbooks had liberal biases especially his math book, which tried to force on Bill that two plus two was indeed four even when he didn't want it to be. His reading book was compiled by a group of 'free thinkers' and his science book said that the big elephants controlled the pack even though Bill thought that little elephants should let the whole pack do what they wanted. Bill also found his first grade teacher was a liberal when she asked him to please stop shouting "Death to Communism" and stabbing his desk with a pencil. Bill needed an escape and just as the liberals had him cornered Jesus swooped down and saved him from the peril of the liberal mind.
Chapters 4-6[edit]
Jesus took Bill to a council where all the best and brightest minds of the time were. Bill O'Reilly met Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, Richard Nixon, Arlen Specter, Dick Cheney, and George W. Bush. Jesus then informed Bill of his duty, Bill had to dispose of the Vote. As Jesus put it, the liberals, were nearly about to win the latest election, but if Bill could travel to capital hill and dispose of the Florida ballots the world would be safe. Bill accepted and he and his companions set off.
Chapters 7-9[edit]
Bill O'Reilly was now a member of the Fellowship of the Ballots, and as they worked their way to capitol hill, Jesus pointed out the liberal bias in the grass, trees, and in those damn free thinking clouds. Bill screamed at the clouds until they went away, and then the fellowship prepared to ascend The Appalachian Mountains, but as they did, the evil wizard John Kerry began to spread the snow on the Appalachian mountains around evenly. This left Bill and company covered in snow, and they fled to a cave. In the cave Glenn Beck found a book that told of all the Conservative minds that had died in the cave from a liberal health care system. The final words in the book were. "They are coming. If they choose we lose. They are coming." The liberals did arrive, but The Company was able to push them back by having Sean Hannity repeatedly scream "You hate America!! Liberals hate America!!!!" With that victory under their belt the company thought they were safe, they were wrong. Michael Moore the evil liberal fireball was coming straight for them talking about compromise and free thinking. Bill saw death flash before his eyes, but then Jesus stepped up to fight the Moore. Michael fell through a huge hole in the floor, but he took Jesus with him. Bill and the others made it out alive.
Chapters 10-12[edit]
When all hope seem lost Hannity said they could still make it to his boyfriend Rush Limbaugh's house before dark. Limbaugh welcomed them because they were all white property owning protestants. Limbaugh then showed Bill the many faces of the liberal menace. One of them in particular frightened Bill, the man was called Barack Huessain Obama, and he had the skin of a chocolate bar. "He's a different color than me. I don't like him." Bill said. "Good, then the liberals have not yet brainwashed you with their colorful television shows or rock concerts." Limbaugh replied. He gave Bill a can of Liberal B Gone and a package of food. Bill decided he wouldn't share the food with his hungry companions but instead ate it all himself.
Chapters 13-15[edit]
The company had reached the other side of the Appalachians but now there was a problem a team of liberals led by The merciless Jon Stewart was headed Bill's way. Seeing as he was Jewish Bill was very afraid, but as Hannity put it "Fuck Jews!!" which made Bill feel a lot better. Nixon sent Bill and the ballots away and then stood to fight. However, as soon as Bill got away Specter jumped him, and tried to steal the ballot box. The liberal menace had poisoned Specter's mind, but Bill thought fast and sprayed him with Liberal B Gone. Specter ran off and was killed and Bill escaped with his good friend Glenn Beck. During the battle with the evil Jon Stewart Bush and Cheney had been taken captive, so Nixon, Hannity, and Coulter set off to get the wondertwins back.
Chapter 16-18[edit]
Jon Stewart asked Bush where the ballot box was but his reply "The box has been takerened to a disclassifiable area," confused Stewart so much that he just decided to keep walking north. Soon though a group off Nazi riders discovered Stewart and slaughteredd all of his men. Meanwhile, Nixon was busy scheming on how to infiltrate a liberal castle and steal their plans for stopping Bill. Bill on the other hand was now climbing toward's capital hill with Glenn Beck when suddenly they were sideswiped by Lindsay Lohan. Beck had a series of involuntary spasms and then called her liberal, but Bill believed she was nothing because no party would except something so hideous. He told the she-witch to lead him to capital hill, so she did.
Chapter 19-21[edit]
Nixon, Hannity, and Coulter managed to infiltrate the Socialist Regime, and steal their plans. Nixon however was caught and hanged. That left it up to Hannity and Coulter to stop the liberal army amassing on capitol hill. Bill and Glenn were nearly there when suddenly a protest of peaceful hippies appeared before them. Bill attempted to use his Liberal B Gone, but he ran out and Glenn Beck's spasms started up again. Suddenly, from out of nowhere Hannity and Coulter showed up in tanks with the entire U.S. Military behind them. They fired ruthlessly into the peaceful protest and killed every single hippie except for Hannity Man who was somehow able to stand in front of Sean Hannity while Hannity called him a liberal traitor. No one knows what happened to him.
Chapter 22-24[edit]
With the journey almost complete Bill tossed the ballot boxes into the fiery inferno of capitol hill, but found their was no escape for him from the liberal menace. Suddenly, though, Jesus reappeared and saved him, then gave him his own talk show. Bill was glad to have defeated the liberal menace.
Movie Option[edit]
Like all terrible books "A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity" is being optioned for a movie to be made by Michael Moore. Moore said he was excited to play himself and kill Jesus because "It's something I've wanted to do for a long time." Bill O'Reilly responded by saying that Jesus comes back and Michael Moore rubuttled "Doesn't he always."
Influences (Lord of the Rings Rip-off)[edit]
Some people have attempted to point out to Bill O'Reilly that he completely ripped off the Lord of the Rings in his book, butt Bill's swelled head has not yet allowed him to process that information. He simply asks, "Where are the hobbits? Dwarves? Elves? That's what I thought." Bill refuses to believe the plot points are even remotely similar, and when people point out that Dick Cheney is a hobbit Bill becomes rather defensive.