Mike Pence

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Mike Pence saying "Hi" to his secret admirers (both of them).

Michael Richard "Mike" Pence (born June 7, 1959) was the 48th Vice President of the United States from 2017 to 2021, under Donald Trump's administration. At a young age in Indiana, he was known as a hero for killing Bigfoot and burning the corpse despite several tough air-pollution laws. It was through this feat and holding multiple political offices that Pence earned a reputation as thoroughly Godly — and thoroughly boring. The former means it would be awesome if he were elected President. The latter guarantees he never will be.

Early life[edit]

Pence was born in Christopher Columbus, Indiana. It was when he turned 7 that he wrestled Bigfoot and won, an achievement that would be praised by his family and hometown for years to come. He graduated from Indiana University with a degree in Electroshock Therapy.

Entrance into politics[edit]

Pence started off as a Democrat who voted for Jimmy Carter in the 1980 election, but later found religion and became a born-again Christian. He eventually screwed enough people over to not only serve in the U.S. Congress from 2001 through 2013, but to be occasionally mentioned as a candidate for President. On several of these occasions, he would earn the task of giving the televised rebuttal to the State of the Union address. When his sleep-inducing discussion of the U.S. budget decimated the TV audience, Beltway insiders would come to their senses.

Pence then was elected the 50th Governor of the state of Indiana in 2013. His evangelical and tedious style made this truly "a match made in Heaven." As Governor, he signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA; the "freedom" portion has been disputed by gay couples). He remained in this post until duty called him to his next assignment, standing behind Donald Trump and backpedaling from the press.

Fear of adultery[edit]

Pence proudly states that he will not be alone with any woman other than his wife. Doctors call this Advanced Mommy's-Boy Syndrome. Pence is surely convinced that he is so good looking that women will tempt him, as Eve did Adam.

Pence's resolve is problematic for several reasons:

  1. In the Modern Era of Feminism, females have won full access to the levers of power. This means they are welcome everywhere, including the many one-on-one meetings in the capital in which logs are rolled and treacherous plots are hatched. Congresswomen are always less eager to horse-trade if they are preoccupied wondering why the Hell Mrs. Pence is in the room filing her nails.
  2. In the Post-Modern Era of Feminist Hypocrisy, having won the levers of power, women are still subjected to the same old pressure for sexual favors, including that they submit and keep quiet about it. Pence's refusal to play this game has rendered him less effective on the Washington scene.
  3. Pence is often late to meetings if, say, the taxi driver is female and he has to wait for one or several other riders to double up with him.

Vice Presidency[edit]

After winning the 2016 nomination for U.S. President, Donald Trump selected Pence to be his bitch Vice President. Trump would later say that he made the selection to "balance the ticket" as candidates often do:

  • Trump has a mangy mane of orange hair that cannot be real, but if it were, it would be impressive; whereas Pence has a tightly controlled but unimpressive head of hair crying out for a few drops of Grecian Formula.
  • Pence is definitely from the state of Indiana, whereas Trump's domicile is several places up and down the East Coast.
  • Trump's speech is inspiring but vague; Pence is precise but plodding — a veritable Yin and Yank.
  • The Republican Party viewed Trump as an outsider, but Pence as safely predictable.

The combination worked, as everyone had some reason why Trump/Pence would be great, or at least not as awful as Hillary and what's-his-name. The two were elected.

Mike Pence was that guy standing on a podium behind Trump. He barely showed any emotion, be it happiness to be there or sadness over the cruel way that politics required him to be there. Trump treated him as an employee he couldn't get rid of. If one slight scandal had attached to Pence, Trump would have jettisoned him and perhaps replaced him with a family member such as Eric.

The only time the public saw Pence without Trump was on stage with various Christian conservatives. Trump rarely went to these events, wary someone would ambush him by asking him to name his favorite Biblical passage. Pence at least knew his Bible. Addressing these Holy Rollers was the only time Pence ever looked comfortable.


"If I stand still and not say anything will people believe I exist?"

After four years of standing behind Trump at the podium while Trump called Mexicans rapists, praised white supremacists, and encouraged huffing bleach to defeat Coronavirus,[1] Pence finally grew some stones in 2020 and refused to play his part, as constitutional President of the U.S. Senate, to use his authority to count Electoral Votes to instead crumple up some of them and discard them.[2] This was the final nail in the coffin of trying to turn the disastrous year 2020 into a new popular mandate, and Joe Biden was certified the President.

It was also the bitter end of the Trump/Pence friendship. Pence became as big a pariah to The Donald as Alyssa Milano, Megyn Kelly, or Barbra Streisand.[3] Trump supporters massing outside the Capitol chased Pence with guns, handcuffs, pitchforks, and naked photographs of Melania Trump. Some even brought mobile gallows kits with Pence dolls dangling in effigy to make their point.

2024 Presidential campaign[edit]

Striking out on his own was Pence's only remaining option and, after three years in the wilderness keynoting Republican Gala Banquets, Pence announced his candidacy for President. This candidacy had design flaws. Trump was the runaway favorite during the primary campaign. Several candidates ran on their famous disloyalty to Trump, including Chris Christie and Nikki Haley. Pence, who (except for the "re-election thing") had been tirelessly loyal to Trump, had to suddenly pretend he had been disloyal. Moreover, while taking credit for the "Trump/Pence" accomplishments, he had to disparage Trump, but gently enough not to seem like Trump. It was a tough act and Pence had never been a marquee actor.

In October 2023, Pence wound up his campaign and returned to giving inspiring speeches before drunk banqueters, as they contemplated yet another meal of rubber chicken.


  1. Any of these could have happened; the reader need only consult Wikipedia.
  2. As if to confirm the lunacy of Trump's strategy, Congress hurriedly tightened up the language of the Electoral Count Act a couple years later.
  3. Also Cher — but didn't she emigrate?