Patriot Act

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For information about the football-related law, see Patriot Act (football).

“This is the FBI we have seen the contents of your hard drive, where did you find all of this awesome porn at?”

~ the FBI after looking at the perverted contents of your hard drive

Patriot act is a portion of a movie or a play (an act), which gives the people of USA a chance to be proud of their great and democratic country. The act restricts civil liberties to help freedom-loving Americans fight freedom-hating un-Americans.

A proper Patriot act usually includes (but is not limited to) motivational speeches for the brave Americans, general patriotic monologue, waving the flag and beating and/or shooting the Un-Americans.

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Characteristics of a Patriot act[edit]

There are many characteristics which make a Patriot act proper. Since they are of the spirit and of the soul they cannot be clearly defined, but you will know them when you see them. Still, most Patriot Acts have certain things in common.

The most important thing in an Patriot act is that the star of the Patriot act must be born and portrayed as male. The reasons are purely historical: it's said that only men can represent the spirit of American founders like George Washington and Kevin Costner, who gave their lives defending their great country against the alliance of Indians, Communists and Indian Communists Disguised As Buffalo (ICDAB) in the Great Buffalo Wars of 1970's.

...that it's being studied by our top men..TOP men.

The male character portrayed in the Patriot act must be tall, handsome, somewhat muscular and known from several other movies and/or plays. The actor must usually be white. If not, there must be a compelling reason, and the minority in question must act as white as possible.(like Tiger Woods)

The meaning of a Patriot act is to make Americans proud of themselves and their country. Usually this is accomplished by giving a motivational speech, by a soldier or a politician, which are the most American professions in the whole wide world.

Showing symbols of Patriotism boosts the effect of the speech.

The most important symbol of Patriotism is the American flag. The second most important symbol is a tank. A gun or a really big sword will do in a pinch. Guns, brass knuckles, ammunition. Soldiers. Semi-automatic rifles. Charlton Heston. Khaki and camouflage. The delicious scent of napalm. These are good examples of military symbols. Also some symbols of an American nature should be present. These include the bald-headed eagle, a sunset, George Washington chopping down a cherry tree, football, baseball, NASCAR, and possibly pro wrestling. No other sports are acceptable. Hockey is too Canadian, basketball is too black, and real wrestling is too gay.

The motivational speech must be given to soldiers and/or civilians, who are in doubt of their personal courage. Weaker people such as children, women or liberals must be present. However, it must be noted that in some cases the speech can be changed to witty, slightly-naughty-but-still-rather-conservative one-liners. All this must be portrayed with inspirational music by late Jerry Goldsmith or latish John Williams.

The Ultimate Patriot Act[edit]

It is a shame that the Ultimate Patriot Act has yet to be made. Think, man! It would be AWESOME! Imagine the former NFL star, Vietnam veteran and newly elected president Charlton Heston giving motivational speech after motivational speech from the top of a tank, sound bites flying from his lips like bullets, as the desperate soldiers and their weak-ass crying liberal half-cousins crowd around to hear the TRUTH. A bald-headed eagle would land to Charlton's shoulder, dropping him a .44 Magnum from its beak! Then Charlton would lead the troops, who'd call themselves "Heston's Hellbellies", into a battle against gay Indian communist terrorists! Heston would prevail, probably die, and USA would be safe again! But for how long! See the sequel! There are still plenty of nonamericans left to kill kill kill! Woowoowooo

Why the patriot act keeps us safe[edit]

Terrorists hate our freedoms, and not because we blew the crap out of their houses, and so the patriot act keeps us safe. By taking away some of our freedoms right now, there is less left for the terrorists to take later. Because they're everywhere. Go Lebron James!!