Fingernail
Fingernails are a type of appendage on humans that grow at the end of the fingers. They are versatile tools, and are utilized for a variety of purposes in human life, like digging and burrowing, combat, and many others. They are composed of keratin, a hard, densely fibrous material which pubic hair is also composed of. There is a correlation between long fingernails and percentage of pubic hair growth, but this is typically dismissed as superstition, along with Stevie Wonder.
Digging and burrowing[edit]
Due to their efficiency and convenience, fingernails are handy digging tools and can displace earth and soil to the gardener's content with relative ease. In a garden, fingernails are useful for digging pot holes for flowers or other typical gardening plants. Fingernails are also useful for breaking up clumps of dirt, and picking small objects of interest out of the garden. Earth worms and day old fecal matter can also be readily converted into fertilizer with the aid of an individual's fingernails, although a lot of people dislike worm mutilation and excrement for some reason. Fertilizer is like the love you give to a child, and if you are not giving your garden proper fertilizer, let's just say your garden will grow up to be a sociopathic asshole. A Green Thumb Gardener doesn't want his/her garden to be an asshole. Asshole gardens are already quite a common issue, with behavior ranging from a lack of empathy, a refusal to grow the desired foodstuff (also known as How-did-these-watermelons-get-here syndrome), substance abuse, persisting in a child-like state of mind, and making fun of the length of the cucumbers other gardens are growing. All of these issues can be corrected with proper fertilizer, made easier with the use of fingernails. As well as growing foodstuffs in small gardens, fingernails have use in farms and other large government facilities. Farming is often correlated with having long fingernails.
During the winter, many humans undergo the process of hibernation - finding a place to remain unmoving for a long time, slowing their pulse, and their breathing down, and living off of their fat during the cold months. Using their fingernails, they can easily dig small caverns and caves that can be used to hibernate within. Chips of fingernails are often spotted around such dwellings. This is because digging into cold rock breaks the nails, but they have adequate time to grow back to their original form in time for Spring. Humans that hibernate can be spotted by the length of their fingernails, along with farmers. If a hibernating human does not grow his/her fingernails to an adequate length before winter, they may starve or die of hypothermia
. This is widely regarded as an undesirable outcome, with a few notable exceptions. Hibernating humans are often referred to as Hobos and squatters by the general human public, but this is a stereotype, and should be disregarded. Hibernating humans are people too. People that we like to stare and laugh at. But still people. Please treat them with respect.
But hibernating humans are not the only individuals that put their nails to the test. Nail Diggin' is a sport practiced around the globe and funded by rednecks, like NASCAR. The main goal of the sport is to dig up more dirt in a specified location than the opponent. The winner is determined by how much more dirt they have dug using their fingernails. Such matches have been known to get intense, and typically result in at least one person getting trampled, maimed, shot, stabbed or dying from alcohol intoxication. Nail bed infections of participants in the matches have also been known to occur.
Combat[edit]
Besides being excellent digging tools, fingernails can be used as displays of dominance, and weapons in combat, because they are tough, and don't fracture under stress from tissue. Because of this, fingernails are most often used to grapple prey. A common mark of a serial killer is a series of puncture wounds around the neck. This is, however, often overlooked by law enforcement with good reason. Who would suspect the murder weapon was.. fingernails? Unfortunately, because the nail length of most serial killers is longer than three inches, they are mistakenly overlooked as being worthy stabbing tools, as well as being able to easily penetrate the cervical vertebrae in the spinal cord, slash major blood vessels with relative ease, and hold the prey until it is devoured.
Aside from homicide, fingernails can be used in any conceivable matter of combat, as well as the United States Marines requiring fingernail combat training. The rule is that the longer the nails, the more efficient they are with the kill. For example, the woman with the longest fingernails in the world, Christine Hamilton, is known as a professional fighter, and has naturally has 252 confirmed kills, due to her nails. Many others have tried to extend their fingernails to the length of Hamilton's, but to no avail. Hamilton refuses to teach others the secret of her success with her nails, and she is constantly being persuaded to teach her 'art form.'
In popular culture[edit]
Because fingernails are strikingly common, they play a major role in human culture, as well as influencing how it works and functions.
For example, many humans paint their fingernails for social or decorative reasons. Professional fighters and street thugs are known to paint their nails so they have a greater chance of infecting a target's wound. This is colloquially known as "shanking" in prisons and ghettos, and it is a practice that has made its way into popular culture, such as resulting in a rising correlation between the number of teenage girls and gangrene cases. Many experts have agreed that nail polish, and paint made specifically for fingernails should be outlawed, as it can be considered an additive to a weapon, but protestors are convincing the government to at least require a permit to apply nail paint to nails exceeding a length of two inches. But while some humans paint their nails, others use theirs (specifically the pinky nail) to snort cocaine efficiently. While a useful conversation starter, it is a practice often misunderstood by people who have never tried cocaine. Introverted and shy people are often encouraged by psychologists Dr. Phil and other semi helpful people to grow out their nails in order to engage in more conversation, however meaningful. While this occurs mainly in the United States, the country with the longest average fingernails in the world is Columbia.
In other areas of the world, fingernails are a local delicacy enjoyed among young and anxious people. The nails can be harvested and consumed fresh or clipped and baked into cupcakes, brownies, and other crunchy pastries. A few people are even known to fry fingernail clippings and add them to their hamburgers. Dieters are also known to eat fingernails as an ultra-low calorie snack between meals. The practice is much less common among older people because they are grossed out by the slight risk of infection and the shedding of blood that may result from excess fingernail consumption. The increased sense of contentment among people over 35 also seems to discourage this practice.