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Face of a typical Malignant Melania sufferer. Note the classic squinting expression, resulting from neurological degeneration caused by Feline Grabititus.

Malignant Melania[1] is a degenerative brain disorder first identified by used car salesman Viktor Knavs in Slovenia, or according to POTUS, Slovezia. He first called it 'Melania' at some point in the 1970s and has since spread to the United States via glossy magazines and advertisement campaigns featuring a talking duck. Malignant Melania is not to be confused with: Acute Hilarity, Bubonic Plagiarism or Covid-19.


The attraction of orange.

The early symptoms of Malignant Melania (in it's Malign stage) are inappropriate sexual behaviour. This will start with posing nude for the right hand magazine market and then typically manifests itself as sexual attraction to geriatric old men with terrible wigs. As the sufferer's condition deteriorates, the classic symptom of Malignant Melania manifests. Notably repeating what other people have already said, often in public, without having an awareness that you are doing it and wearing clothing carrying inappropriate messages to other people. This can cause feelings of shame and humiliation, though in the most severe cases the sufferer remains mercifully unaware that they have done anything wrong.

As a behavioural disorder, Malignant Melania can be detected early by the characteristic blank expression and squinting eyes, symptom of early neurological breakdown[2]. The suggested treatment for this disorder is isolation from inappropriate sexual partners, talking therapy, and enforced sterilisation. However, no known sufferer of this illness has been able to make a full recovery. Treatment usually involves placing the patient in a padded cell and looping the voice of a blowhard politician until they bang on the door to be let out. However for severe sufferers, Malignant Melania can get a firm grip all the way to the White House.

Sufferers of Malignant Melania are additionally attracted to the colour orange. Experiments using hamsters have confirmed this behavioural bias in patients. They can also be great delusionists, convinced they have achieved educational excellence. This is very attractive to those sectioned with narcissism.


A Cry for Help and a good dry cleaners.

Until 2016, Malignant Melania was very little known outside Nambia where the United Nations' increasingly self-sufficient health care system managed to keep it under control. But when the political weather changed in that year, Malignant Melania exploded into a full blown pandemic.


Eat a lot of diamond-studded roughage to fight Malignant Melania.

Expert medical opinion is divided whether a full cure can be found[3]. Advanced Malignant Melania sufferers in the past have included Jerry Hall and the six wives of Newt Gingrich. Outside observers will be unaware that a patient is suffering from Melania until they suddenly get an urge to head for a plastic surgeon in the middle of the night. Melania sufferers will deny this and may resort to expensive lawyers to prove the contrary.

A daily dosage of Covfefe may delay progression, depending if you take it internally as a liquid or externally as a blusher. Another course of treatment involves whipping your own ass with the cover of Time Magazine.


Malignant Melania can be increasingly virulent in a patient as they approach the first Tuesday in November. In a worst case scenario, Nuclear War may be triggered by an upset partner of a Melania sufferer. This was proved to be the case when full blown Melania arrived at the White House in January 2017.

Since then Malignant Melania has gone onto strength and overcame the Daily Mail virus as the most potent threat to the world's health. It is now likes to wear a cap and high heels so may be now easier to eradicate in future.


The well known Doctor Dixie Donald recommends drinking bleach for full body detoxification or playing a lot of golf as a cure. The disease went to remission in January 2021. Those who didn't get the note tried to break in to the White House for a cure but were instead redirected to Capitol Hill. Experts on Fox News predict the disease will return in 2025.

Related illnesses[edit]


  1. There is a lesser version of this disease known as Malign Melania. That is where intentions of the disease are less clear.
  2. Known also medically as Feline Grabititus.
  3. See Scientific UnAmerican for more details of the study.

See Also[edit]