Mehmet Oz

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Oz in 2016.

Dr. Mehmet[1] Cengiz Öz is a doctor on TV who also has an M.D., which he uses occasionally to procure organs of the deceased for use in his reality show. His show is about nutrition, exercise, sleeping habits, supplements, health aids, chemistry, and dead mutilated organs. Especially dead mutilated organs, which he pulls out at every show.

  1. "Mehmet" was the first syllable combination out of the good doctor's mouth shortly after having his airway cleared by the OB/GYN. His parents concocted a fancy story about being from the Middle East, and scribbled it on his birth certificate.


A man enjoying a salt-free and sugar-free diet.

This part of the show is focused on nagging the viewer into buying whatever supplement has sponsored the show or book whose author or publisher has sponsored the show today. Sometimes he recommends vegetables, occasionally vegan diets, usually salt-free and sugar-free diets for weight loss, but most often, expensive supplements. Anatomical charts are pulled out, along with chemistry sets, in order to prove the benefits of the supplement of the day. Some say this section is just an excuse for Dr. Oz to get his mad scientist on. The side effects of the supplements and drawbacks are never mentioned until a future episode, in which a competing supplement is hyped.


Dr. Oz likes to do push-ups, and thinks you should do push-ups too. One-handed push-ups are especially healthy, especially while holding a sack of potatoes above your shoulders in the other hand. He also likes bouncy balls, and uses them at every possible opportunity. He throws them at the audience and at guest speakers. Who doesn't like bouncy balls, especially when they are thrown at your head?

Health aids[edit]

These are devices that are designed to make you healthier. Some of these are sex toys, which may keep you disease-free for awhile when substituted for sex, as long as you remember to clean them between uses, and some are bondage gear, designed to make your partner happier. Others are clutter, an absolute hygienic essential for every home.


Any time the digestive system is mentioned, a chemistry set is pulled out, which either becomes fizzy, changes color, overflows, explodes, lets off smoke, or all of the above. Moral of this story: what you eat can cause you to become fizzy, change color, spill over, explode, or put out smoke, or any combination thereof.

Dead organs[edit]

Today's healthy supplement: grease wine!

Yes, these are human organs from a cadaver. In case you were not convinced by the chemistry demonstration, Dr Oz pulls out his purple gloves and takes out cadaver organs out of a rubber bag, and forces one of the unlucky members of his audience to fondle the organs. There is always one normal organ, and one diseased or mutilated organ to compare it with. This proves beyond a doubt that if you do not buy the health aids or supplements that he is advertising that day, you will get organs like the mutilated one by the time you die, probably as a result of having your organ mutilated by aging.

2022 U.S. Senate campaign[edit]

Main article: Crudites

In late 2021, Oz announced his run for Senator from Pennsylvania. Despite a long reputation as anti-gun, pro-abortion, a Muslim, and worst of all, a New Jerseyan, Oz had two reasons to be welcomed with open arms by Republican colleagues:

  • The endorsement of Donald Trump, in his new transition from U.S. President to regional kingmaker; and
  • Kicking $5,000,000 into his own campaign.

Insider documents reveal that Oz thought he would be the ideal right-wing candidate simply by his record of critiquing Barack Obama, who won anyway. The doctor was credited with aiding a man who was having a seizure (presumably after hearing the doctor's on-stage description of colon polyps) during a campaign event in early 2022. On the other hand, the doctor was not credited with a Senate seat, losing to heavily tattooed stroke victim John Fetterman in November 2022.

Oz was magnanimous in defeat, even offering to repair that grotesque thing growing out of Fetterman's neck. However, unlike the debates, Fetterman did not have a Teleprompter nor an aide to transcribe Oz's offer, and thus did not avail himself of it. Trump was not magnanimous and claimed his endorsement had been Melania's idea.

See also[edit]