Anthony Fauci

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
During the coronavirus, Dr. Fauci (artist's rendition) inspired Americans to dress the part.

“In general, masks are better left for front-line health-care workers

“Every American should wear a mask. Masks save lives! even if you are already minding our guidance to never come within six feet of a grubby human. Masks will block the spittle that would not have reached your prey anyway.”

“Two masks obviously will stop more virus than one. Why not eight?”

~ Anthony Fauci on air flow

Dr. Anthony Stephen "Tony" Fauci, M.D. (born December 24, 1940), known to millions of Americans as Viral Tony, Dr. Gloom and Doom, or Fire That Bastard, was the U.S. President during the fourth year of Donald Trump's term. He is the public-health official who singlehandedly ushered in an era of alcoholism and substance abuse, over-eating, wife-beating, and schoolboy suicides, not to mention death-matches playing Fortnite, to achieve public health by "bending the curve" of coronavirus infections.

Fauci has been an employee of the U.S. Government for 36 years, a full 16 years after most such workers retire on full pension and transition to a town planning board to pester a few neighbors, or perhaps to a state capitol to try to double-dip. His word alone (and his gravitas on television interviews) got the world closed down; Ayn Rand could fantasize about "Atlas shrugging", but only Fauci could achieve it. Not since Genghis Khan, Napoleon Bonaparte, and Adolf Hitler has one individual had so much power; even President Trump had to take time off from golfing and tweeting to listen to his words. Fauci's 2019 annual salary of $417,608 makes him the highest-paid person in U.S. Government (or any government, outside of coaches of Division I football teams at state universities), and a full $17,608 better remunerated than the President himself — who never cared, being a billionaire and donating his federal paycheck to public health or something.

Fauci is a strict Constitutionalist, understanding that the American federal government is powerless to address a chest cold by compelling every citizen to curtail his or her life until the risk reaches zero. He understands that it can only do so by issuing "guidance" to the states — whose governors were secretly itching all along to have an excuse to become despots. Behind the scenes and pulling the puppet strings, Fauci became the de facto Ruler of America.

NIAID Director[edit]

Dr. Fauci visiting Wuhan.

Fauci's official title is "Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases", a post he has occupied since the days of President Ronald Reagan. This office is to warn Americans of health emergencies, like AIDS, SARS, and now — officially — "coronavirus". Once he became the Director, Fauci changed the rules, and he now holds the office for life. Where else can you see an old man running such a powerful office? It shouldn't be allowed — but it was. This means, THEY arranged this.

In fact, we don't actually know where Anthony Fauci really comes from. He says he was born in 1940 in New York, but we know this type of information can be faked. So it most probably is. Dr. Fauci suddenly appears and has no problem in getting a top job. So we have established that this "Director" is really the Dictator of the National Institute to Make Americans Sick and Angry. Not "sick" of being sick, but "sick" as in fed up. Fauci wants our people to be ill; otherwise he would have no job to do. Like Big Pharma, the health system in America is designed to line the pockets of those white-coated people for their own benefit.


Dr. Fauci cut his teeth during the Reagan Administration, when a new virus made a bee line for the human cells that are supposed to fight stuff like viruses. Health professionals' important first task was to invent catchy and pronounceable acronyms. The scientists settled on Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) for the bug; and Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) for what it does to you. Despite the pronounceability, people do say "aids" as though it was a legislator's coat-holder, but no one says "hiv"; they spell it out.

The second task was to size up who was at greatest risk. Two "cohorts" stepped forward:

  1. Those engaging in promiscuous buttsex, and
  2. Recreational drug users who share needles. (The tradition of becoming "blood brothers" was established by the Indians but was done more efficiently in the age of hypodermics.)
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Anthony Fauci.

The third step was to ignore that research. It is fine to issue marching orders to gays (ew!) and junkies, but much more alluring to a degreed medical professional to issue marching orders to everyone. Thus, Dr. Fauci adopted the catch-phrase that would serve him well for decades: "We're all in this together." Indeed, no American can ensure that, this afternoon, he won't get a notion to go down to the local bathhouse for some steamy sex with a dozen strangers, or invite a gaunt and sickly friend over for an evening of amateur blood transfusions.

Dr. Fauci dedicated the awesome capabilities of the U.S. Government to the goal of an AIDS vaccine. Consequently, three decades later, there are several fine though expensive ways to keep the disease in check, and even a pill you can pop for "Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis" (PrEP, which is eminently pronounceable) before tonight's orgy.

Dark Ages for respiratory ailments[edit]

In the years since AIDS, Mother Virus Nature sent few new bugs for humankind to wrestle with. There was only:

  • Ebola, mostly confined to African countries whose medical establishments are witch doctors. Several cases reached the United States, but were isolated and treated before Fauci could order any lockdowns or closures of "non-essential" businesses.
  • SARS, which President Barack Obama would call the "Junior Varsity" of chest colds. Fauci would review the measures he ordered to fight this bug by saying, "We're lucky it was no big deal."

China provides the whole package[edit]

Fauci hoped to make mask-wearing an integral part of American culture.

Years went by and the NIAID could find no new illness to cure, so they asked their friends in staunch ally China for help. Fauci had given a speech highlighting the dangers of a genetically engineered virus, so he sent U.S. tax money to the Wuhan weapons lab to do just that, "so that we could practice developing countermeasures." It could have been worse; Fauci could have asked China to nuke Seattle so that America could tighten up its civil defense.

They tell the story that a bat flew through the lab window, swallowed a vial, and then was spotted by Chinese workers, who thought what Chinese always think when they see a bat: Wouldn't a batch of soup hit the spot right about now? Thus, the virus went from bat to the Wuhan Wet Market to the human food chain and then flew around the world. Well, not the bat, as it was dead and had been slurped up. But the virus had achieved "species transition." To add insult to injury, the only place to buy ready-made face masks to protect against contagion was China itself.

So China produced not just the pathogen but the personal protection devices against it. Another component of the complete Chinese product line was international health authority. China's notorious "Belt and Belt Loop" plan passed straight through the World Health Organisation,[who?] whose China-backed chairman obligingly changed the official world strategy for battling pandemics (to-wit: protect the vulnerable and let the bug work its way through the healthy population), to read: lock down everyone and sit and wait for things to get better.

When video emerged from China of citizens collapsing and dying instantly of coronavirus, and being cleared off the streets by government workers using butterfly nets, the rest of the world followed suit. It was one-stop shopping, pathogen plus complete battle plan, provided in a package deal from the People's Republic, the most ready-made health crisis imaginable.

In Congressional testimony in 2021, Fauci would deny he provided the seed money for the outbreak, and Republican questioners would predictably thank him for his complete remarks and move onto another subject.

Once the virus hit, teams of computer hackers, one at Imperial Margarine College and another at University of Washington, began predicting the body count. Their "models" had to make certain assumptions, such as that the human race would stand spellbound and watch as the virus decimated the human race. Fortunately, Fauci was there again with appropriate "guidance": Empty the hospitals to prepare for the imminent flood of Covid patients. And shunt the overflow into...nursing homes.

Hot Shots: Part Deux[edit]

Fauci's sidekick in 2021, at the start of the Joe Biden administration, was Rochelle Wallinsky; not a scarfed GILF like Deborah Birx — who abruptly retired after a charge of Covid Hypocrisy at a large, sans-mask family reunion — but certainly presentable, to the extent that Biden referred to her as Lewinsky, though he did not try to smell her hair. One would think that a highly paid medical professional in his eighties could finally rest on his laurels, as the President in his seventies was resting on his. Fauci's laurels now included torpedoing both the United States Gross Domestic Product and the career, legacy, and re-election of Trump. One would think he could relax with mimosas and games of Scrabble with Wallinsky. But, no. Fauci needed a new challenge — or rather, more of the old challenge again.

Go to the Front Page
UnNews Senior Editors are currently arguing over the gender-neutrality of this related article:

Washington closes border to Delta variant

A highly paid medical professional would also understand that, when you get every American to take a vaccine against one of Covid's surfaces, what happens in short order is that such baby Covids as are born without that surface begin to dominate. By now, government was chastened against naming these Covids after foreign cities merely because the virus emerged from a weapons lab there. Instead, the CDC used Greek letters, although the emergence of the Delta variant led to a diplomatic crisis on the border with Delta, British Columbia.

Fauci and company sprang into action, as the obvious solution to the problem of mutant viruses that were increasingly resistant to the vaccine was to tighten the screws further to make everyone get the vaccine — especially pre-teens who, if they got Covid, would either not know it or try like hell not to let Mom give them yucky cough syrup. Then they could return to school with Plexiglas barriers, masks (plenty of masks), and dreams of frequent booster shots.

Where next?[edit]

Dr. Devious

It has taken a while for Americans to realize Dr. Fauci had their worst instincts in mind. He wanted to be the all-powerful Medic, a Doctor Who for the USA. Jumping in and out of masks, and wrestling with giant monsters (steady!...this is a medical journal).

Luckily, finally, the White House understood that it had to isolate Dr. Fauci like he was an infectious disease. Since there was some problem about dismissing Fauci (Congress would have some say in it, no way as currently politically constituted) or making him take early retirement in Florida, the best policy was to check on his background, his family, his friends, and anyone in the Democratic Party for possible weak links. But it seems Dr. Fauci had long fireproofed himself. There was only one way: ignore him.

The American government adopted the latter strategy and tried to stop Fauci from talking to the press. Again, this wasn't possible as it was related to his unsackable status. So the idea was to say that other doctors disagreed with Fauci's warnings and that he didn't really care anyway, as he was part-human. This was the truth. Respected Texan doctor Stella Immanuel (qualified Alien Gene Therapist) said so. Trump said this was possible; he had been a great fan of the Emmanuelle sex films in the 1970s. He said it was interesting that Immanuel was doing doctoring now and wanted her to spread the message to the otherwise-unengaged Dr. Ben Carson for his medical/political opinions. Perhaps Immanuel and Carson could work on the illness of demonic sperm, which sounds like a cool movie to watch.

Fauci Must Go![edit]

Dr. Fauci's bobblehead clone army!

China has already rewarded Fauci with a limited number of bobbleheads, coated in gold for their own market. Dr. Fauci and the coronavirus are celebrated as victors against the USA. Photos of the bobbleheads have been seen by billions, but perhaps this is just a cover...or a cover-up.

The great anti-masker movement now has a big target: Dr. Fauci. And we didn't need George Soros or Bill Gates to prove our case. Let loose the vials of hydroxychloroquine now! Fauci needs to be retired and investigated. Send for Dr. Scott Atlas. But then the Atlas Man resigned and Trump fled by helicopter. Fauci had survived!

Fauci Must Stay![edit]

With his great nemesis gone, Fauci returned to the center of power, not just back on top at NIAID but the Chief Medical Adviser of new President Joe Biden, who stated, "I trust the experts" (meaning Fauci); reprieved and given the chance to dance on Trump's political grave.