Ayn Rand

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Ayn Rand: with her bug-eyed stare and her extremely sharp shoulder pads, many proclaimed her to be the perfect woman.

Ayn Rand (born Alisa Zinov'yevna Rosenbum, February 2 [O.S. January 20] 1905 - March 6, 1982) was a Russian-born (or "preemie") philosopher and individualist, concoction of the RAND Corporation, and founder of the school of objectivism. Objectivism is a populist political philosophy in the American classical liberal tradition.

Ayn Rand herself is a controversial figure, being the only known example in history of someone who was completely self-made, assembling her own atoms from the void.

She didn't need anybody at all.


For anything.

She rarely even needed herself.

And the feeling was mutual.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ayn Rand.

Early Life[edit]

According to reports, Ayn Rand used to be a child at one point.

Ayn Rand gave birth to herself in Czarian Russia, just to show that she was tough enough. Born at the age of zero, Rand immediately claimed to be 3. She set about teaching herself Russian, a difficult task at any age. At first, Rand subsisted on milk stolen from local cattle before moving on to directly killing them.

Rand made her own clothes from raw materials, not that she needed clothes. At the age of 2, she not only made the blanket she was coddled in, but coddled herself, the beginning of a destructive life-long habit. Living far away from civilization, Rand began her study of under Ayn Rand, the Russian-born philosopher and individualist, founder of the school of Objectivism.

Rand's solitary life came to an end when she was asked by the new Communist government to share her individuality with the state. The proletariat chafed, claiming their union with Rand would make them Aynus. Rand was just as opponsed — not to authoritarian Marxist-Leninist style socialism, but just to the "sharing" part, the concept usually learned by the time a child enters kindergarten.

Rand was granted a visa in 1925, and a MasterCard in 1927. She visited her relatives in Chicago and never returned to Russia. The "flying contraption" she created over that weekend out of sticks, held together by borscht, to fly the 10,000+ miles was the prototype used for America's Stealth bombers today.

Early fiction[edit]

Rand decided to enter the world of writing in her early 20's without ever having actually talked to a human being. Her early fiction, especially her first novel, "We the Drivelling" was was an autobiographical account of her Benzedrine addiction. As with most of her early works, it used ideas stolen from Nietzsche and later appropriated by the Nazis.

Ayn's early writings made basic assumptions about humanity, such as their existence and weakness for cheese. She only needed to study humans for a few seconds before she began thinking of herself as better than them. This is when her fiction began to take on a life of its own, and her life a fiction of its own.

Political activism and Objectivism[edit]

Rand, who wasn't hip to democracy's jive, was unwillingly pulled into it. In the 1940s, after allowing a man (yes, another human being) to marry her, she wrote her first real novel, The Fountainhead, a story about a guy who kills people because they aren't as cool as him. The novel also features clues to the whereabouts of Rand's own murder victims. Senator Joseph McCarthy said of the novel: "Rand gives good fountainhead."

Rand, who still survived off the land during this time — a handful of dirt she dubbed "aynland" — started the philosophical movement called "Objectivism": So called because it is highly objectionable... not like those OTHER philosophies. Rand thought about calling her philosophy "Existentialism" but that name was already being used by the Cartesian Dualists. Rand herself thought of Objectivism as the responsible son in a family of "total retards. Just... just total retards." Rand disliked retards.

Atlas Shrugged[edit]

Rand's fictional Superman John Galt, poster-boy for the mentally unstable.

Rand's Objectivist utopia, exemplified in her best known novel, Atlas Shrugged, revolves around "John Galt," a middle manager who rose through the ranks at a local television station without any help from anyone, ever, at all. The novel was written before television became irrelevant, and modern Objectivists usually replace "television station" with the more contemporary "dial-up modem"

Galt and the others at the station are being taxed for creating programming which is simply too good, such as "Doogie Howser, M.D." "Charles in Charge," and "My Mother the Car".

The nightmarish dystopian vision of a government which provides a social safety net for the poor and sick and a stable living for all its people is the central focus in the book. John Galt continues being rank until he becomes rich, at which point he blows up some houses.

The book is interspersed with long-winded diatribes, popular with jackasses. Ayn loved jackasses.

Despite being a piece of crap - or perhaps for this reason - Atlas Shrugged became an international bestseller. In an interview with Mike Wallace, Rand declared herself "the most thinker alive". After completing the novel, Mike Wallace fell into a severe depression.

Rand on the issues[edit]


Rand believed people who enjoyed sharing would also enjoy complete slavery. In Atlas Shrugged, the punishment for sharing was instant and complete slavery. According to Rand, because sharing actually lessens the amount of a goods available to you, it is bad. Sharing means less good. It bad. Bad, sharing! Bad. She is the origin of the term "random".


According to Rand, poverty is Society's punishment for being poor.

When Ayn first came to America, her first sight was of the New York skyline: a testimony to the phallusy of the American Wet Dream. At the time of construction, it was possible to send one's children through college by being a construction worker; whereas nowadays it's more likely for college students to end up buried in construction sites.


Rand's "family" traditionally worshiped the Peloponnesian god of luaus, Big Papa Ono. Leaving behind the idea of constant flower necklaces and suckling pigs, Rand denied the existence of God her entire life. In the spirit of fair play, God denied the existence of Ayn Rand. It is not controversial that every single member of Congress who purports to be an Objectivist also claims to be a Christian.

Cultural influence[edit]

Her descendant, Yeoman Janice Rand, despised The Federation.
  • Objectivism is the mother-in-law of Libertarianism, though it nowhere explains why Libertarians, for the most part, just want to smoke more pot.
  • Ron Paul's son, Rand Paul, was named after Ayn Rand. If Ayn Rand had had a daughter, she would have been called Ayn Paul. If they had had offspring, it would have been appalling.
  • Wikipedia is the forlorn grandchild of Ayn Rand; a creative commons collectivist monstrosity, stitched together from pretentiously peer reviewed academic articles, through the charity of verbal parasites.
  • Objectivism will be around just long enough to induce all the cash in the world to migrate to the Cayman Islands, leaving the rest of the world as a burning slag-heap, full of people who deserve their hellish fate for not objectifying women.
  • But when the Cayman Islands flood from global warming along with most of the world's coastal cities, where will they go to then you might ask? Why to a libertarian utopia built beneath the sea, Rapture, a city where the artist would not fear the censor, where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality, where the great would not be constrained by the small!

Ayn Rand acolytes[edit]

U.S. Federal Reserve chairman Janet Yellen, despite the superficial resemblance, is the furthest thing from a Rand acolyte, as she refuses to dye her hair.

It is a definite resumé-enhancer for a job-seeker to claim he was "influenced by Ayn Rand." Anyone who makes that claim does not have to be asked about the seriousness or intensity of the claim (unless one wants the job interview to last into the evening). Persons who did so and went on to achieve greatness in their chosen walks of life include:

  • Rand "devotee" Edward Lampert, who is denying needed resources to the covetous American government by presiding over the bankruptcy of the Sears Roebuck retail chain, a process so gradual that no one identifies it as deliberate sabotage.
  • Paul Ryan, Congressman from Wisconsin, was selected for U.S. Vice President on the strength of forcing his office aides to read Atlas Shrugged (and to read the 120-page monologue three times). He thus convinced thousands of other Rand acolytes in the electorate to cast their votes for Mitt Romney, who was identified in campaign posters as "Wesley Mouch." After his defeat, Ryan wanted only to flip pancakes at a deserted diner, hand-roll cigarettes, and be cryptic and evasive about his past. However, he reluctantly agreed to become Speaker of the House of Representatives, where he governed by firm principles, such as that conceding to non-Rand-acolyte Barack Obama "clears the decks" for victory on the very next conflict.

Selected works[edit]


Other fiction:

  • 1964 The Virtue of Antisocial Personality Disorders


  • 1961 The Complete Social Darwinist
  • 1965 Objectivism. Making a Virtue out of Pure Selfishness
  • 1969 The Me in Mean: An Every-Woman's Manifesto
  • 1971 Why Might Is Right, Or May As Well Be
  • 1979 Introduction to Penis Envy
  • 1982 Humanity: Who Needs It?
  • 1984 Welfare Queen