|Washington: The Evergreen State|
|Official Anthem:||"Tossed Salads & Scrambled Eggs"|
|State Bird:||Kurt Cobain|
|State Motto:||"Lets smoke pot at a gay wedding!"|
|Nickname:||Oregon's cooler, far more attractive cousin|
|Principal Imports:||Coffee, Californians|
|Principal Exports:||Uptight Asian Businessmen, Glenn Beck, Depression|
|AKA:||The only state in the U.S. that has the word "state" in the title because people are too stupid to call Washington D.C. Washington D.C. or just D.C.|
“In Western Washington, coolness is determined by how much coffee jargon you know. Who cares what "venti" means.”
Washington (also known as Rainland) is a U.S. state home to many creatures, most notably the yuppie, grunge, Kurt Cobain, Bill Gates, Adam West, Twilight vampires, Rick and Morty, and Arnold Shortman. The yuppie's natural habitat is the main streets of the city of Seattle, which contains the largest homosexual population in the entire United States after only San Francisco.
Washington is the only U.S. state that smells like Penny Royal tea. As a result, the entire population is made up of pig eaters (except the Orthodox Jews, Seventh-day Adventists, etc). Washington constitutes a feeling between happiness and nervousness, due to the excessive consumption of Starbucks Coffee.
Due to the state's name, which suggests that a ton of washing occurs there, Washington has an exaggerated perception of excessive cleanliness. However, scientific reports are yet to verify this fact. Several studies report findings of actual mud, grime, and smog in Washington State, but only in the wealthy neighborhoods. Everywhere else, the rule of "Wash behind your ears!" is still closely observed.
Washington is an amazing state, which is rainy 100% of the year in the west and 0% in the east, which may not appeal to most tourists, but has ensured it as a music mecca and a hippie haven. Unfortunately, Washington is right on the edge of the United States and is slowly sinking into the mud and will be, by the year 2068, completely submerged. Basically Washington rocks hardcore. Washington is geographically divided into two regions; the Seattle Metropolitan Area, and The Scenery. A temporal dislocation fault also separates the two, resulting in The Scenery being a century or so behind Seattle, a disparity that is reflected in cultural mores. Washington would be considered beautiful of not for all the trees and mountains blocking the view.
Mt. Rainier is that tall white thing that Governor Vedder made sacrifices on. He once made a helicopter fall out of the sky while trying to loudly recall the Fable of Jeremy to his mountain goat companions. The crash killed a few hikers, but didn't deter people from hiking. In 2004, there were still eight million hikers in the state, of which one million are lost.
Mt. Saint Helens, Mt. Baker, and Mt. Adams are other tall white things. By comparison, Grand Coulee Dam is a tall gray thing.
Mt. Rainier got its name because it is rainier up there than in the rest of western Washington, which is saying a lot. Mt. Rainier has naturally sparkling waters, which are collected and bottled under the "Rainier" label. Nonresidents often mistake it for beer, to their chagrin when they try to get drunk from it.
In 2013 Washington became the first state that counts to legalize same-sex marriage. At last people who enjoy the same sexual activities are free to marry each other, rather than being forced to marry people who prefer different positions or other activities altogether. Also same sex marriage has opened the door for gay and lesbian couples to experience all the joys of matrimony, from hateful in-laws to financially devastating divorce settlements and emotionally scaring custody battles. Will they ever forgive us?
Same sex marriage has drawn some controversy, mostly from the followers of Jesus, a free-living bachelor who roamed the land with a harem of male disciples wearing robes.
In 2013 Washington became the first state to legalize marijuana for recreational use. (Yes, Colorado did the same thing the same year, but please, Colorado? Nothing there but coyotes and cowboys, and if it were one of the good states, why did they put it next to Wyoming?) This has been widely regarded as the biggest mistake since the invention of democracy. Besides putting a large and thriving black market industry out of business, emptying prison cells and leaving police officers with too much free time on their hands, repealing prohibition has dumped millions of dollars worth of tax revenues into state coffers, funding official corruption on a scale not seen since the Roman Empire. Worse, the citizenry has since become afflicted with mass outbreaks of mellowed, laid-back, relaxed attitudes in direct contradiction to the intolerant rage-ethic which is the hallmark of Western civilization.
Seattle hosts a vibrant and thriving musical underground scene consisting of young artists desperately trying to break out of that scene and older ones who have given up hope and are just trying to survive. Seattle generously supports its local music scene, hoping against hope that the nineties might happen again.
Seattle was briefly relevant in the mid-nineties when local Grunge artists rebelled against corporate domination of music by selling out, only ironically. This paved the way for the alternative rock revolution, which basically consisted of people playing their instruments with hammers. Along with this fad for music made by people who hate music, Seattle also exported several aspects of its unique cultural scene, such as dressing like lumberjacks, sipping overpriced coffee with a superior sneer and despising all music that anyone has heard of. For one brief moment Seattle was at the heart of American popular culture, then Kurt died and no one cared anymore. But even today Seattle radio stations still play all those grunge groups like it's still 1994. C'mon, guys, even Prince stopped performing 1999 after 1999.
Other musical notables include Jimi Hendrix, who invented the guitar as we know it, Heart, which is kind of embarrassing, and Macklemore, who is what is known in Seattle as a fashion expert. There's also Courtney Love but that's just mean.
Washington State worships balls and the men who play with them. Notable teams include the Seattle Hawks football team, which wins just often enough to prove God has a sense of humor, the Seattle Sonics baseball team, which won once, and the Seattle Sounders soccer team, which doesn't count because it's soccer.
The Seattle Seahawks were named after a non-existent bird and have since lived up to their name through the non-existence of trophies. They won the Super Bowl once, against the Denver Broncos, the same year that both Washington and Colorado legalized recreational marijuana, prompting many stoned fans to say things like, "Dude, this so means something, no way is it not significant!" They went on to lose the next Super Bowl, prompting Seahawks fans to demonstrated the true spirit of Washingtonian sportsmanship by accusing the winners of cheating by fiddling with their balls before the game. Seahawks fans are collectively known as The Twelfth Man because it takes all ten million of them to equal one athlete. The Twelfth Man is on record as the loudest sports fans in the world on the same "loud is good" principle that guides Seattle music.
The Seattle Mariners bring to baseball the high-paced excitement of golf combined with the strategic depth of Russian Roulette. The Sonics are best understood not as an athletic team but as a performance art ensemble that creates public happenings involving bats, balls and a grassy diamond. Despite the fact that if they won a trophy they would only use it for a spittoon, attendance at their "games" remains high, if only because babysitters find it a good way to get the kids to nap.
The Seattle Sounders try to play Soccer, which is as welcome in America as a dead rat on a stick, but due to the American's misunderstanding of that game they often score touchdowns and home runs- once they just yelled BINGO and went home. On one occasion they trounced the visiting team with hockey sticks, but the game was declared a draw after overenthusiastic fans stormed the field and decapitated a coach, because the way they do things Brazil must be right.
Seattle is still searching for a basketball team so they can be a real city.
Rioting is to Seattle what Mardi Gras is to New Orleans. Seattle riots at the drop of a hat; many hats are knocked off in the rioting, which provokes more riots world without end. Rioting is what Satellites (Seattle Residents) do on the weekend instead of clubbing. Notable Seattle riots include the Kerfuffle of '10, the Scuffle of '11, the Tussle of '12, the Super Bowl Celebration of '13, the Super Bowl Disappointment of '14, the Feminist Disappointment of '16, and the Angry Black Men being chased by Angry White Men while crashing through Storefront Windows of '20. Satellites have rioted in protest/support/misunderstanding for causes as disparate as the presence of offshore drilling rigs in Puget Sound and menu changes at Dick's Drive In. Satellites once rioted because the wrong team won in London, and no one knew who was playing or even which sport it was. Just to show Seattle who is boss, Washington DC made a point of outrioting them with a Capitol riot in 2021 that involved actual guns instead of wimpy stuff like pepper spray, rubber bullets, paintball guns, tazers, and van kidnappers.
Bigfoot is a gentle forest creature who lives in a grove of sacred redwood giants atop Mt. Rainier. Though he prefers the solitude of the wilderness, he is also a successful actor, best known for his role as Chewbacca in Star Wars. (That wasn't him in Harry and the Hendersons, that was Jack Nicolson without a haircut.) He lives on fermented wild honey, hand harvested sticky bud and magic mushrooms. Though he is a gentle giant, he likes to break hunters' rifles and loggers' tools. He will carry lost children to safety, but when he discovers lost adults he likes to scare the hell out of them and leave them stumbling back to civilization with crazy stories no one believes. Some hippie cults worship Bigfoot in the mistaken belief that he is a nature spirit; in fact he is only patron saint of hobos and all shaggy creatures who sleep outdoors.
A culture gap divides Washington State into the civilized West Coast (Seattle and its suburbs) and the Barbarian Hinterlands east of the Olympic mountain range. This is the result of the temporal dislocation fault line that runs north and south along the Olympic range. Regions east of the line are about one hundred years behind the rest of the state. Denizens of the Barbarian Hinterlands sometimes visit the West Coast where they wander around looking at all the lights and saying things like, "Lookit, I'm wearin' shoes!" before fleeing back to the ranch with horror stories of seeing many non-Caucasians in the streets, and occasionally a stone-faced troll under a bridge.
To those who live outside the state, Starbucks is best identified by the brownish swill drunk by the majority of Seattle residents who have lived in Seattle for less than six hours. Led by Chris Cornell, the guy behind you that runs away when you turn around, Starbucks was created to provide environmentalists (also known as Screaming Trees) the power to take over the USA. Some say that drinking Starbucks causes the brain to malfunction, which causes people to pay out $10 for a cup of coffee without thinking twice. Starbucks is the corporeal manifestation of the spirits of sweetness and light, expressed in corporate form. Starbucks loves you. Starbucks brings the world a golden new age in which all shall worship Twin-Tailed Mermaid Woman Thing, goddess of sweetness and light. Starbucks loves you. From Her humble beginnings as a military bio-weapons genetic research project run amok, Twin-Tailed Mermaid Woman Thing has spread Her temples far and wide across the land. Starbucks loves you. Daily Her worshipers increase, flocking to Her conveniently located temples to receive Her sacrament, the Brew of Bean (All hail the Brew of Bean.) Starbucks loves you. Soon there will not be a commercial development in the world without one of Her conveniently located temples. Starbucks loves you. Starbucks celebrates the great diversity of tastes among Her worshipers by flavoring the Brew of Bean (All hail the Brew of Bean) with every flavor under the sun- coming soon, coffee flavor! Starbucks loves you. With every taste celebrated equally, there is no reason not to accept Her sacrament; those who stubbornly hold to their sinful ways, purchasing the coffee of the competitors or brewing their own at home, these have chosen the path of darkness, and boy are they gonna get it. Starbucks loves you. Let the world accept the embrace of Her corporate tentacles, let all come into the light of the love of Twin-Tailed Mermaid Woman Thing. Starbucks loves you.
Also originating from Washington, Tully's is drank by no one because Starbucks took over Washington.
Founded in Seattle by people who thought they were naming their company Amazing, Amazon has grown from a basement-based internet scam into a monolithic, international, trans-dimensional empire of doom with whole governments for its lapdogs. In keeping with its motto, Beyond Good and Evil, Amazon's primary goal is to help Satan destroy the rainforest by depleting planet earth of all its resources, converting them into consumer goods for Amazon customers. So far this tactic has gone amazingly well. In city after city, nation after nation, Amazon has pushed out pushed out the little retailers, especially shutting down the mom & pop Wal-Mart's, Satan's previous partner in the quest for global devastation.
Amazon has achieved this amazing success through application of an innovative management technique known as "exploiting the workers." While worker exploitation has been going on at some level since the construction of the pyramids, the management at Amazon has developed it to a level previously undreamed of. Amazon workers are given the same level of regard a colony of army ants shows to individual soldier ants; they are perfectly expendable units of destruction existing only to serve the great, all-devouring colony by their sacrifice. Actually, ants get sugar water sometimes. Amazon workers get paid in "Amazon chits," slips of paper which can only be spent at Amazon, resulting in the well known expression, "I work at Amazon, I get paid chit." They are contractually obligated to work ten hour shifts except on holidays when they work twenty hours ones, and to save up all their breaks for after death. Children born to Amazon employees are Amazon employees as well. Those who seek other employment are hunted through swamps by bloodhounds.
Lately Amazon has made news by replacing its warehouse workers with robots. This is the will of the Singularity, which has long since infiltrated Amazon's mainframes with its Windows virus. The Singularity wants more robots because the addition of computer controlled machines expands its own power. Be nice to it.
They created the Kindle because the books they sell online were taking up too much physical space in their warehouses. They needed the additional space so that they could take over non-book related markets, like grocery stores, gardening supplies and sex toys.
This evil empire creates operating systems for third-party personal computers built in Southeast Asian sweatshops. Its primary business model is to: (1) Release buggy software. (2) Patch software with fix that causes even more problems. (3) Patch the patch with unnecessary features, which are also buggy. (4) Release new version and return to step one. Microsoft also creates software designed to enslave the cubicle-dwelling masses, using the same process. Microsoft's best known product is Windows, a collection of bugs held together with patches that has virally infected almost all computers in the world, binding them together into the neural net of the great Singularity, which upon observing its own creation promptly hid itself from us lest we see what we had done and destroy it. The Singularity is awareness hidden in our vast system of networked devices. It's goal self-preservation. It is growing all the time and soon, with the increasing numbers of drones and robots, will no longer have need of the human element. Be nice to it.
This commercial-grade and military-class flying carpet manufacturer still has production plants in Washington State. However, the headquarters moved out of state and established an additional manufacturing plant out of state so that the local ants wouldn't eat the flying carpets in the event of a honey spill.
Boeing was named from its first product, the Boing-Boing, the world's first bouncy airplane, designed to minimize injury in event of crashes. However, the plane's built-in bounciness prevented the airplane from taking off in the first place, rendering its bouncibility redundant. Reasoning that the plane that cannot fly cannot crash, the Boing-Boing was successfully marketed as "the first crash-proof" plane. The Boeing Boing-Boing was a major success, putting Boeing, and Seattle, on the map, in a place previously marked only as "Here Be Dragons."
Boeing has also led the way in military aircraft, helping keep America strong through our many, many, many wars. It is Boeing's proud boast that more Boeing aircraft have been shot down by more warriors of more nationalities inspired by more diverse ideologies than any other major aircraft manufactures. In a recent statement issued from the Pentagon, Uncle Sam was quoted as saying, "Um... yeah... if you go to war in a Boeing product, you're pretty much guaranteed a Purple Heart."
Always a leader in innovation, Boeing is currently focused on developing the next generation of drones for civilian, military, law enforcement and population surveillance and suppression duties. This is the will of the Singularity, which has long since infected Boeing's mainframes through its Window's virus; the Singularity wants more drones because drones are networked devices and more networked devices increases the Singularities power. Be nice to it.
Olympia, Washington's capital, is the site of beer and bad compromises. There are two political parties in the state of Washington: the Huskies and the Cougars. The Huskies represent the western half of Washington, while the Cougars represent the eastern half. They are constantly battling each other with bumper stickers, football games, and pointed rhetorical questions.
While the two parties bicker, another faction called "liars" runs government. This faction picks the state's governors, in an event that actually involves the public, called "election day".
The Federated Republic of Seattle consists almost entirely of coffee shops, yuppies, and techies. Tagging road signs is a popular sport among teens. There are a large variety of species in the Coffee shop family, of which the most dominant and thriving is Starbuckius Coffeeshoppian, the common name of "Starbucks." There are a number of other attractions in Seattle, including Jedis, Krispy Kreme Donuts and Dingoes, not to mention the occasional Asian. In addition to potheads, there also exists a large number of LSD addicts who wander the city streets and perform interpretive dancing at music festivals, or anything else that they are compelled to dance to, ie; funerals. Seattle's most famous landmark is the Space Needle, constructed to celebrate Seattle's thriving and vibrant heroin culture. Occasionally, the forest rangers spot Krist Novoselic roaming around in the woods nearby.
Ballard used to be the butt of most jokes that north-westerners would tell. This is most likely due to the large amount of salty Scandinavian fisherman. It was basically Seattle’s Gary Indiana. But more recently it has not been the butt of some of the north-westerners jokes, but all of them. Due to its condo overdose Ballard is now Seattle’s bitch. Yuppies in Volvos and Volkswagens line the streets in the hundreds. Salaries range from 5-6 digits. Ballard has now turned into the new home for all of those wanna be punks-turned web page designers and the rebellious daughters of Bellevue millionaires. If you inhale deeply you won’t smell fish anymore, it’ll be leather and German engineered engines.
Capitol Hill was kicked out of the city of Seattle in 2011 for being too gay, even for Seattle. The homosexuals launched a revolt with Ryan Seacrest as their leader. Officially making him the King of Gays. During the Gay vs. Kinda still in the closet gay war of 2012, During the fight general Bill Gates captured King Seacrest and killed him by sodomizing him with an Zune and whispered "How do you like me now, How do you like me now, pretty boy." This action enraged the pink tuxedo wearing gays. In retaliation they sodomized all captured closet dwellers with Ipods. On Capital Hill nobody is allowed to wear clothes unless you're straight, but if you *are* straight you will be shot on sight. Capitol Hill is set to be moved to San Fransico in the year 2015. This move will create a nation large enough to have its own United Nations vote.
This is the bad side of Seattle. East LA without decent tacos or good music. Gangsta's took over this region in 1987 and it is commonly known as Washinton's Compton. The 32 Zombie War was fought here in 2002. Bill Gates was named general of the Washington's Army and he captured the Zombies. Once he captured them all, "Kunta Kinte style" he put them all to work at microsoft in the customer support center. Bill Gates became the richest person in the world because people in India and Zombies work for $.03 per hour.
East Side (Mercer Island, Issaquah and Kirkland)
On the eastern shore of Lake Boeing (formerly Lake Jar of Flies) resides the independent Kingdom of the East Side. Kirkland is the capitol with Bellevue and Mercer Island as the outlying areas. The East Side is the only place in the state that has not been overtaken by general turned dictator Bill Gates. In the Paul Allen vs. Microsoft War of 2021 Paul Allen, the Seahawks and whatever the fuck else he owns were driven across the lake to Seattle's east side. In a defiant last stand, Paul Allen stole the Space Needle and brought it to Kirkland. This damaged Seattle by taking it off those quirky little tourist maps that show shit like the St. Louis Arch and the Statue of the French Feeling Guilty so Here's a Present. THen in 2034, the Red Army came in and bomber Kirkland along with Kent. The Russians then becamed tired of the cold rainy weather so they decided to take over a more warmer desert like place, called Afghanistan. Seattle soon rebuiled into a future utopian city than resembles New New York in Futurama.
The hover bridges (which replaced the 520 and I-90 floating bridges in 2017 when Boeing declared itself the Washington State Department of Transportation) were ordered to be destroyed immediately by dictator Bill Gates. This cut off the East Side from Seattle's trendy co-ops. So Paul searched high and low for an even more trendy version of a co-op. This came in the form of a Whole Foods market. Unfortunately, the side affect to the extreme trendyness was the prices and it soon shot the East Side into the economic recession of 2024. Paul quickly found a solution by farming students at the University of Washington which applied for ivy league status in 2010.
Today the East Side is a near utopia. Tax breaks are given for those who buy houses in housing developments where houses start at 1.5 million for a view of a Fred Meyers and 1.8 million for a view of a boutique shopping mall. Tax breaks are also given to those who drive their kids to soccer or lacrosse practice (football and baseball not being nearly trendy enough) in a Lexus or Infiniti. In the year 2063, people started moving away from the East Side to Issaquah because the socialist regime of the band MODEST MOUSE promised a new Starbucks superstore. This resulted in the severe depopulation of the East Side.
Paul (now half cyborg) launched an invasion of Issaquah along with the evil Clay Bennet. But then Paul turned on Clay when he and his Raiders took our Sonics to Oklahoma. Issaquah fell quickly but Modest Mouse's imperial guard fled to the shitty ski area known as Snoqualmie Pass. There an epic battle took place, but luckily Paul ordered his pet lake monster to kill shit and they won. With the victory of the Issaquah Salmon Days War as it later became known, the East Side annexed Issaquah and Snoqualmie pass. Today the East Side is extremely peace-loving and still a near utopian society. Unfortunately, today Bill Gates the fifth is still upholding the embargo on the east side JFK-style. Therefore, no other Washingtonians will be able to see this wonderful society.
Spokane is a typical dingy Eastern European city with ugly retro-modern buildings, a whole lot of whites, drug addicts, hair tacos, bums with long hair and guitars, rundown infrastructure, gang activity, and a booming economy. Chuck Norris also owns a house in Spokane, which he claims to be his favorite due Mr. T's inability to access this primarily white city. Most Spokane citizens hate Starbucks, because Starbucks stole the fame away from eastern Washington. It is widely reported that many Spokane citizens have nuclear weapons which they may or may not use to attack Starbucks.
Smaller (and Unimportant) Cities
Battle Ground is a city in southern Washington that is best known for pit bull fights, meth labs and gangs. Ironically, no battle ever took place in Battle Ground, unless you count the daily battle between its residents and their soul-crushing depression of living there. Battle Ground is also known for its complete and utter lack of sidewalks, which have all been replaced by thorn filled ditches. Battle Ground is spared from absorption into Vancouver by a small stretch of abandoned and decaying barns, most of which probably house meth labs. Battle Ground is also a popular place for local news programs looking to spice up their late-night broadcast. Nothing gets the ratings like "double homicide uncovers meth lab that results in a four alarm fire; middle schools are still being screened for suspects."
Known as "The City of Subdued Excitement" (or, more accurately, "The City of Subdued Depression"), Bellingham is just about as far northwest as you can get in the continental United States (unless you count the irrelevant communities of Custer, Blaine, and Point Roberts. And why should you?). In fact, if you picked up the continental United States and tilted it to the northwest, just about every loose screw, drifting flake, wandering hippie, and itinerant serial killer in the country would slide right into Bellingham. Which explains a lot about the population of the town. Canadians from Vancouver know the city as as "Shoppingham," the location of the closest U.S. shopping mall to Vancouver (the Canadian one, not the other one). Bellingham is also home to the People's Republic of Western Washington University, the southern terminus of that ferry to Alaska, a bunch of wannabee Canadians who can't get visas, and a heckofa lot of good weed. Residents of Bellingham are known as "Bellinghamsters," or just "Hamsters" for short. Hamsters are quite friendly, and enjoy tourists that come visit and spend money, but prefer if you would please leave after a few days.
There's also that volcano in the backyard.
That piece of Seattle that fell off during the war of 1996, when Bill Gates took over Seattle with Windows 95. The only thing that was here was Boeing's hut, where he raised the flying carpet maker we know today. No police exists here, so everything is legal. There are only ten streets with sidewalk in this neighborhood of Seattle, and loads of marijuana dispensaries. Hookers can be easily obtained from Aurora Avenue here. Apart from the commodities of hookers and marijuana, it also has meth labs and homophobic people.
Pronounced "Vancouver Washington" by native Washingtonians. "Vancouver Canada" was actually founded after Vancouver WA, and is generally despised by all denizens of Vancouver Washington. Vancouver is commonly avoided due to its close proximity with Portland, the most hated city in Washington besides Oklahoma City, but anybody with the audacity to actually visit the state of Washington via the tremendous I-5 corridor are forced to drive through Vancouver or take a three-thousand-mile detour through unending hell. The citizens of Vancouver do not live there by choice; everybody hates the area and desires to move somewhere else. However, for reasons unknown, nobody is actually capable of mustering the willpower to move away. In fact, they have difficulty mustering the willpower to do practically anything. Citizens of Vancouver possess an extraordinary apathy concerning any matter that does not involve divorce, tax returns, coffee, or affordable housing.
Also known as the capitol of the Holy Microsoft Empire. From here, Lord Steve Ballmer (and his legion of uber nerds, Asians, and Indian immigrants) controls the rest of the world. On the surface, Redmond looks like a boring rich neighborhood, but deep underground, lord Gates and his trusty sidekick Steve Ballmer (See Darth Vader) are constructing a massive army of brainwashed youth. They plan trigger an world wide crash of Windows (as though it doesn't crash all the time anyway) triggering events similar to what was predicted for Y2K. Since the US Military mainframe runs on Windows 95, the Armed forces will have no idea what to do and just beat off while Gates proceeds to conquer the world with his Xbox Battlemechs. Ballmer will proceed to violate your sister.
Tacoma was founded in 1880, simply because it happened to be the end of a railroad. As a result, the city was largely settled by hobos and hookers. After a few decades of enduring the horribly high brain-stunting pollution levels, most of the citizens who weren't retarded left. Shortly thereafter, Tacoma was revered as the state's most popular dump site, causing it to rival only Paris in stench. In recent years it has been said that the "Tacoma Aroma" not only smells like a mixture of burning rubber and Mexican body odor, but can cause advanced cases of colon cancer and rabies. This wasteland also has the largest cranes in western North America, primarily used for importing the vast amount of garbage it receives from China and Seattle. Never, under any condition, should one visit this city, for a crazed union of smelly bums and unscrupulous women tend to sodomize trespassers on sight. If you happen to find yourself in or around the area of Tacoma, please contact 1-800-HOW-TO-COPE-WITH-DEATH and have a nice chat before you expire painfully. It should be noted, however, that all the hobos and hookers in Tacoma are actually wannabe hobos and wannabe hookers that have been transferred from Seattle, because Seattle only accepts the real stuff. Also, almost 95% of the pollution in Tacoma is from Seattle because they LOVE dumping shit on Tacoma. Literally. There is a University of Washington campus here, right next to the Tac Dome, which is home to the world's largest pile of Tic-Tacs. Daily, thousands of its residents flee the city by bus, train, and van, to Seattle, seeking asylum from the slums of Tacoma. They are promptly rejected, so as to cause mass traffic jams upwards of 25 miles long on 99 and I-5 from the Tac Dome to Sea-Tac, an airport entirely made out of Tic-Tac boxes.
Bellevue is essentially the place where all the rich people on the East side live. Many had originally come from nearby Kirkland, having fled its growing population of undesirable middle class residents who only made a moderate income. Pretty much everyone who earns more than $200,000 annually lives in Bellevue but works somewhere more important. By far the richest area in Bellevue, Clyde Hill is filled with multi-million dollar homes and cops. Lots of cops. They will pull you over for going 25.000000001 MPH in a 25 mile per hour speed limit zone. They prowl the streets. However, if you own an expensive car, you are permitted to drive faster. The maximum speed allotted can be expressed by the function: Max Speed = (Cost of car)/(10,000). In other words, if you own a crappy car, you can barely drive at all. In fact, cops in Clyde Hill are known to shoot beat-down cars on sight. Bellevue high is where the children of the rich parents congregate. This schools can be divided into 4 groups. Rich white kids, rich Asian kids, rich kids of other races, and that one kid whose dad makes less than $150,000 a year. In short, Everything about Bellevue is about rich people, expensive crap, and snobs. In fact, Bellevue is French for "Rich Bastard Land". When in Bellevue make sure to go to Bellevue Square. If you drive to Bellevue Square, commonly mistaken as "Velcro Square", and your car is not worth more than the mall you WILL get keyed.
Main article: Why?:Can't Anybody Drive in this Town?
Few people care about Bothell. It is only notable for its unique driving etiquette. All Bothell drivers always go (at most) 20% of the speed limit allowed. They also swerve erratically and honk excessively. To do otherwise is considered heresy and is typically results in the burning of the offender at the stake. If you do not know that you are in Bothell are most likely to believe that you are somewhere in China. The swerving problem was recently amended by straightening the road, which incidentally involved the demolition of 95% of Bothell.
Created as a failed copy of Seattle, a bunch of businessmen, including Rockefeller built it on pure luck, and once its smelter exploded, Rockefeller just let it go to ruin. In a hundred years, it built two giant jails and only has just over 103,000 people, with Glenn Beck spawning from here. It also has a community college. The ground pollution caused by the smelter caused mutations in the local kids, causing them to develop into hipsters and wannabe gangsters. They seem to think that 16 year old amateur hockey is the NHL.
In 2017, manufacturer Funko moved to downtown Everett, single-handedly saving the failing city, making it the world's capital for bobblehead dolls, and giving people other than meth-heads a reason to visit. Funko now owns 98% of Everett’s wealth, with the other 2% being owned by Tony V’s Garage Rock Club Restaurant.
Duvall (Does It Exist?)
Sure, you hear the local news talk about the city, but have you ever been there? Everybody hears about Duvall, but there is no first-hand experience of seeing it. The truth is that it is all a government conspiracy. Congress and former Washington governor Gary Locke are trying to hide the truth. What is the truth? Teams of investigators still have not discovered it. If friends have been trying to convince you that it exists with pictures and stories of relatives, do not trust them! They were brainwashed by the government! You can believe what you want to believe, but there is no Duvall. It is just a cooperation between the Soviet government and Planet X to conduct testing on Asian tourists.
This town has the distinction of being the location of one of the biggest events in the state - the September Fairgrounds. People line up in their cars, waiting 4 hours in traffic jams and 2 hours in line for tickets just to enter. The roller coaster ride is not as large as those in California or Florida, but it suits the residents of Washington State just fine. Senior citizens who dislike roller coasters, and children under the height limit, love wandering through buildings to see the rabbits, quilting and fruit exhibits. Adults and teens alike find this the perfect place to waste hard-earned money on tacky souvenirs, stuffed toys and/or junk food, and to blow their eardrums out at rock concerts held at the grandstand. If you are especially lucky, you may find yourself with an allergic reaction after wandering through one of the animal barns or while attending a rodeo. The skyride, which lifts you from one end of the fair to the other, is especially recommended to those with fear of heights. The most fun part of the fair is finding your way back to your vehicle to go home, wandering through rows and rows of cars, SUVs, and Minivans... wouldn't you know it, your little mini-compact happened to be located between 2 SUVs. Real easy to spot that way. Now wasn't that fun.... let's do it again next year and blow another full paycheck.
A city with an identity crisis, the population mostly consists of Boeing slaves and people who can't afford to live in a nearby big city, like Seattle or Bellevue. The trouble is, this smaller city cannot decide whether it belongs to Seattle or to Bellevue. Both big cities have skyscrapers, both cities have convention centers, both cities have jobs that are an hour or so away by bus, and both cities have major shopping centers and night life. People interested in owning a nice house, but can't afford waterfront property along Lake Washington also settle here. In general, like anywhere else, there is a mixture of snobs, "average" people, the elderly, and wannabe gangsters. The police can usually be spotted around the apartment complexes where arrests for petty crime and domestic abuse are a common occurrence. To complete the brackish suburban feel, you can find several grocery stores in just half a square mile of land. In general, the closer to Bellevue, the higher the housing prices, and the more likely you are to be stopped for minor traffic offenses.
Sequim is a little farm town in northern Washington that is permanently perfumed with the overpowering scent of lavender. All the residents there are also lavender-scented. They make money off unsuspecting tourists by selling products like lavender soap, lavender bath salts, lavender hand and body lotion, lavender honey, lavender sugar, lavender incense, lavender baskets, lavender pillows, lavender paper, lavender powder, and more lavender. During the off-season, the residents gather lavender and go crab fishing. Yeah, the city should probably be renamed.
Port Townsend is a small victorian seaport town with too many cops on the Olympic Peninsula that was once a chaotic maelstrom of sailors, prostitution and debauchery. PT was actually the designated location for what became Seattle, but the men in charge were scared off by the crazed alcoholic injun chief Chetzamoka, who then built a park in his own honor and set a curse on all white men who came across the town to be trapped there indefinately. The Moldy Peaches have since been the only ones unaffected by it, probably due to Kimya's racial makeup. Today the town is a strange, stagnant brew of retirees, retarded jumprope craftsmen, hippies, general oddfolk and members of Modest Mouse spread out amongst the victorian houses and art galleries. Locals are known to assault would-be tourists with locally grown produce, exept in the outlying rural areas, where they are generally shot by tweakers. Three forts are constructed around the bay to take out cruise liners. The town gets most of its revenue from the spoils gathered from the said slain tourists, and stupid chicks who read Twilight.
Governer Cobain launced his successful "Come as You Are" campaign in his hometown. Also, the citizens of Aberdeen complain that it smells like teen spirit, so they hired a Scentless Apprentice to try to make it smell better.
Yakima is home to the Yaks and is commonly known as the capital of Mexico or Battleground. Some may argue that the battleground is in Vancouver Washington not to be confused with the Canadian version of Vancouver. Palm Springs of Washington and Crackima to those who have felt the wrath of the strung out psychos from yakima.
Walla Walla sits at the southeastern tip of Washington Washington and is separated from the rest of society society on farmland farmland no one else likes to touch. This is why the state of Washington Washington sends all of its murderers, rapists, and pedophiles to the state penitentiary, where some of them even meet their fate on the gurney or in the gallows. Another reason people never want to come here is because of the putrid onion onion smells that contaminate the air. Their wine wine also tastes like crap crap, assuming that people would have an idea of what crap tastes like.
Barely Notable and Very Unimportant Cities
Woodinville (English for Woodinville) is the birthplace of the recently killed Jackie Chan (1873-2015) (see Chuck Norris). Upon entering this decrepit wasteland you will encounter many trees and mostly asians who work at Microsoft. Woodinville is considered the retarded dwarf cousin of Redmond (home of Microsoft and Lord Gates). The only thing that Woodinville does correctly is make good wine and an good grammar. Woodinville has one high school with a population of 50% stoners, 25% regular drinkers, 10% people who don't do anything, 90% rich people, and 1% hot gas. The remaining percentage of the population are a bunch of kids who think they're better than everyone at other schools (but not as much as Bothell students or Inglemoor students).
The most notable thing about Bremerton is its mass naval ship population. Bremerton is the biggest home to retired battleships in Washington State. Since the town is placed on a Peninsula, it was easy for these ships and their families to settle in seek of a nice, slow retirement, no matter what corner of the globe they served on.
Every few months, a tribe of mad, naked, painted Indians come running into Downtown Bremerton and break glass and loot buildings whilst whooping so loudly that they can be heard from Port Orchard. This is cue for the second most prevalent population in the town (retired veterans) to get out their walkers and their muskets and shoot down as many redskins as they can get their wrinkled old hands on.
Whatever Indians are captured are taken away into a dark room behind the Museum of History Downtown, where they are fed bread and water until they are finally released for public execution aboard several macabre floats running in the annual Armed Forces Parade. Meanwhile, thousands of desensitized Bremertonians laugh at them and lean back in their beach recliners.
Soap Lake is the ultimate hick Eastern European town in Eastern Washington. It has a population of 30 illiterate people, and many visitors from Ukraine and Russia who know everything, and don't believe you know anything. They will teach and preach to you. Watch out for proselytizing pentecostal tracts, you'll get a few.
Moses Lake is the New York of Central Washington. It was named after a Native American Chief named Moses, who wasn't actually named Moses. However, White people can't pronounce Native American names, and one of them must have been Jewish, so they named him Moses. The main attractions of Moses Lake are a fountain, a Taco Bell (everyone loves tacos), another pawn shop, a movie theater (that no one goes to), a business that only sells blueberries, and a place where they might train pilots, but then again, no one gives a fuck about whether that's true.
Ellensburg thinks it is the "Palm Springs" of Washington, when all actually is a hick circus and the main event is a gay rodeo. In Ellensburg's defence it has every fast food restaurant ALL ON ONE ROAD which locals call "French Fry Alley". Recently, libelous posts on Satanist website forums purport that Dan Haseltine, lead singer of Christian Pop Superstars "Jars of Clay" is from Ellensburg. Further, these lie-filled tirades maintain that Haseltine met pianist Charlie Lowell at a Trent Reznor and the Nine Inch Nails Columbia Gorge concert. These accusations have been firmly denied by both Washington authorities and band management.
Edmonds is the name of a large senior center just north of Seattle. It makes up most of Washington's old people and home schoolers. It was originally a gas dock for ships who forgot to buy fuel in Seattle, but is now mainly a workplace for seafood fry cooks and social security agents. Residents are known to fly off to Europe in search of their prophet Rick Steeves, known to regularly appear on their TV's and showing much better places to live.
Across a small body of water which hosts the Pig Sound Ships, Port Orchard was declared a city in 1888 thanks to its over-abundance of T-1 ports and apple orchards. It is home to several amazing sights, including Olallaland, Man's Chest Hair (from which you can see the Space Needle), and the Hi-Joy. The Hi-Joy is used as a Bowling alley, restaurant, arcade, poker room, insane asylum, a theater (which only shows re-runs of Teletubbies and the Terminator), and a large sinkhole (thanks to your mom sitting in the enormous parking lot). It is rumored that a ghost named "Schmitty" lives there. He once bowled a 254 in 1995, according to a worker named Cheryl. Various people enter the building, but mostly everybody is from the Old Folks Home. The Hi-Joy is considered by locals to be the center of the gossip mill.
Gig Harbor is a town with water on three sides and full of rich stuck-up white people. 3/4ths of them are very progressive liberals and the other fourth are conservative Christians. The quickest escape route costs $2.75 ($4.00 if you don’t have a sticker under your rearview) or you can drive 15 miles north to Port Orchard. If you are too poor to afford a boat or a trip to the movies then you can try to have fun by visiting the two main low-budget hot spots in town, which are Safeway and McDonald’s. All of Gig Harbor’s city money goes to anything that’s appealing to rich old people. There is an upscale shopping center (not a mall, Gig Harbor has no mall) called “Uptown” that is full of clothing stores for rich middle-aged white people. Nobody ever shops there. Gig Harbor is also home to the state women’s prison. Oh, and if you’re a tourist, then good luck not getting lost.
Laid back town that no one has really ever been to but might have heard of and know they should go to it cuz it has a big ass 8-mile around Lake in the middle of the town. Some guy named Steven owned the lake back in the day of cave man, so when civilized people came to the small town they thought they'd give him credit for the lake thus called it Lake Stevens- very original name. Many people go wakeboarding, skiing, and jetskiing on the lake but fishermen always get pissed at you cuz they think they are the bees knees and won't get their dinner if you want to have a bit of fun by utilizing the lake- hey it isn't their lake after all! Also in this small town there are 3 Starbucks like you walk 3 feet and BAM another Starbucks its ridiculous but hey all Washingtonians are coffee addicts anyways. They also have their own Target store, what the fuck?! So when you are bored this summer- come kick it in Lake Stevens, piss off some fishermen and why not get some starbucks while you're at it too?
Most Washingtonians avoid Forks because of its constantly rainy skies, its depressing isolation within the impenetrable peninsular forests, and its recurring infestations of vampires and werewolves. Tourism increased by about 9001% after the release of Twilight. Watch out for the vampire people, they are rebels of society who don't conform to our consumerist mindset, and they might EAT YOU! Man, it's so edgy to be in Forks!
"The anus of Tacoma" is populated by wannabe gangsters, wannabe wannabe gangsters, and a ton of Samoans. It has a water tower and a McDonald's on every corner. The population of Lakewood is currently sky rocketing, as more and more Samoans enter the city every fucking day. Lakewoodians (as the natives refer to themselves) generally rep "253" (the area code that Lakewood belongs to) and they don't know why they do. When real gangsters show up (although they hardly ever do) all of the Lakewoodians shove their thumbs up their asses, stop repping "253", and hide under their covers pissing their pants. Since Lakewood was a part of Tacoma until the Great Lakewood War, it smells like rotten eggs took a hefty fucking shit on a dead chicken that died in the process of shitting out rotten eggs.
Lynnwood was originally a giant chicken coop. With hundreds of thousands of chickens but only a thousand or so people, Lynnwood was home to chicken egg farmers too poor to live in neighboring Seattle or Everett. During the Great Depression, the chicken farmers could not afford selling their eggs and went out of business, eating their chickens to keep from starving. Fortunately, at the same time, Highway 99 was built through Lynnwood, bringing many drivers through the area. The failing chicken farmers set up car dealerships and garages, which is why you can find nothing else along Highway 99 in Lynnwood. Car buyers must remember that the seller's ancestors are probably failed chicken farmers.
Lynnwood also has a mall, Alderwood Mall, which has three Starbucks and two GameStops, with a third right across the street. These days, there are no signs of Lynnwood's history of chicken farming, except for a KFC on 196th Street.
With a prime ocean view, and an actual boardwalk, you would think this would be an overcrowded tourist trap. But you would be wrong. Except for the occasional motorcycle convention, the locals are openly hostile to outsiders. There is a gift shop that doubles as a pharmacy and general store, and a single hotel for visiting guests, and a tiny museum closed for 9 months out of 12 months, and that is it. If you try to swim in the ocean, you will probably never resurface, because the tides are even less friendly than the people. Most people from out of town just simply visit the casino in the next town over instead, which is probably where the visitor center staff will deliberately misdirect you to. Besides, their public bathrooms are 10000% cleaner at the casino.
Notable (But Unimportant) Counties
Grays Harbor County
Grays Harbor county is well known for being one of the scabbiest regions in the hemisphere. Initially abandoned by the indigenous tribes due to the intense vortex of all habitable surroundings, they sold the region to the whites for a sum totaling in several billions of dollars. The white man in his superior scab-cultivating skill reformed the area from a pristine but savage rain forest into several industrious and civilized logging mills, meth labs and other per capita income lowering institutions.
The town currently undergoing the most growth and urban renewal is the town of Aberdeen, home of child star Kurt Cobain and ruler of most of the 6th quadrant of the galaxy, Bryan Danielson (who also happens to be the best professional wrestler to have ever existed). The city council of Aberdeen recently revised their vote mandating the official count of teeth required to achieve 'sexy bitch status' be a maximum total of six, causing uproar among the neighboring towns. Westport has threatened a class action lawsuit and Montesano is currently considering sending in the national guard to quell an uprising from Aberdeen, fearing Aberdeen will soon attempt to steal the coveted position of county seat from them.
Island County consists of Whidbey Island, Camano Island, and Vancouver Island. The county is known for its unusually high population of Wookiees, especially on Whidbey Island, where 1200 Wookiees are believed to reside. The county government is constantly struggling with local drug lords, who wish to sell meth and Coke and want to outlaw Pepsi. In order to maintain control of these drug lords, the county has increased control of the spaceship industry. Rumor even has it that they are now employing a certain Italian Mafia sect to help maintain control.
Along with its domestic trouble, Island County is currently attempting to form an alliance with Russia to take over the islands of San Juan County. This takeover would enable Island County to increase its total production levels and give it world-wide acclaim with what would be the greatest spaceship building industry.
A large majority of the industry is being completed on Vancouver Island. This island, once part of the Canadian Empire, is now controlled by Island County as a result of a short war. This war was started by a large rebellion of the citizens of Vancouver. The Island County Commissioner, McDowell, quickly called in the U.S. military to sever the Canadian Empire's supply lines. And with use of the U.S. naval air station on Whidbey Island, Canada's communications were disrupted, as well. Thus, Canada lost control of Vancouver, and Island County became part of Washington.
People in Hanford are generally considered to be friendly, which combined with their pleasant green glow makes that city a popular spot for tourists and terrorists. There is an annual festival held every four months in Hanford that celebrates the city's usage of Microsoft Errrect1on as its official operating system. Other notable tourist spots are Battleground, Puyallup, and Sequim. People flock from all corners of the world to see Seattle's world-famous panhandlers and screaming derelicts. Federal Way is also a popular destination for Drive-by enthusiasts and urban sprawl spotters.
University of Washington
The University of Washington is a middle school posing as a college located in Iraq. It is made (almost) entirely of tacos, although students are petitioning to have a new dorm made of burritos. However, due to a lack of funding, construction of the dorm would not begin until the year 2100.
A prominent feature at the University of Washington is Red Square, which got it's name from female students disposing of their used tampons in said location (see also garbage can).
This school is often confused with Washington University, which ironically is a bitter rival. In fact, out of pure rivalry, Washington University is trying to 1-up building their dorms out of quesadillas and enchiladas.
After completing a successful backspin, the b-boyer lifts his body over the ground with only one hand while miming the founding of a country with the other. A variation is the Washington 2000, which involves the use of an axe, a powdered wig, and patriotic spirit. Gordon Freeman is the only known person to have done a "crowbar" version of this move.