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Vatican Republic of Kansas
Motto: "At least we're not Oklahoma"
Anthem: "Church All Day"
Capital Topeka
Largest city Wichita
Official language(s) English, Midwestern
Government Waffle House Republic
Currency Corn
Religion Christianity
Major exports Teen mothers, STDs, and Republicans

“I feel bad for Dorothy. She should've stayed in Oz.”

~ A nameless Oklahoman on Kansas

“My mother was a religious fundamentalist. She also had no mouth. It's a rare combination.”

~ Bender on The Bots and the Bees

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Nowhere?

Kansas (kænzəs) is an obscure Latin word meaning "a large square in the middle of any political map of the United States." The official motto of Kansas is Ad astra per aspera ("To the stars through corn") but more recently has become "In God we blindly trust." Kansas currently has no attractions unless you like hay, cows, wheat, going to church 7 days a week, and beating up gay guys a baseball bat.


No, not really. Did we get your hopes up? Sorry, but the reason you go here is actually only passing through to Denver for something exciting like skiing. The cows also stand there. They have the ability to liven up the mood by chewing grass, but they don't.

The Big Hay Stack on the outskirts of Tonganoxie was piled when an edgy farmer added a few extra chords of hay to a moderately sized stack. Being Kansas's first attraction, tourists flocked there for exactly 2 hours, then realized that there is nothing else around and left with their minivans in horror. The farmer stuck a pitchfork in the hay on August 4, 2005.

In Lebanon, Kansas, there is a monument marking the exact center of the contiguous U.S.A.. Lebanon, Kansas is not exciting but unfortunately merely named after a more exciting place that deserves your vacation money. Besides, no airlines carry to Kansas. MCI is gathering dust.