The 'Mexican' flag of Illinois
|State animal||Homo sapiens|
|State band||Lincoln's Bedroom|
|State bird||Extended Middle Digit Bird (Screwyouis yousuckis)|
|State exclamation||"Pipeboooomb" or "Balllllin!!"|
|State dance||The Robot|
|State fish||The Fish Tit|
|State flower||Oddly enough, the Yellow Rose of Texas. An Illinois regiment captured it during the Civil War. (Nobodyus Caresus)|
|State fossil||Grandma Moses (Oldus womanis)|
|State insect||George W. Bush (Gorgus Bushicus)|
|Language||English and Spanish|
|State mineral||Vitamin C|
|State anime||Tokyo Mew Mew|
|State motto||“Buy one senate seat, get one free!”|
|State amphibian||A fucking frog!|
|State song||"Ohio's for Lovers, Illinois for Divorcees" or "You Be Illin'" by Run-DMC|
|State prairie grass||Little Purplestem (Andropogoat georgerdii)|
|State slogan||"Under Construction" (unofficially "Don't pronounce the fucking 's', okay?")|
|State soil||Rich dirt|
|State tree||That tall one over there... No, wait, a little to the left... Yep, that's the one! (Biggis tallus)|
|State colour||Orange, the color of road construction signs|
“What the fuck is this place?”
“Buy one senate seat, get one free!”
Situated on the windswept steppes of the American Midwest, Illinois (pron. "ill-annoy") is one of the 50-odd U.S. states. Noted for its varied geography, rich history, brilliant literature, unique biology, exciting Phys. Ed., and endless fields of corn. No, wait, that last one's Iowa. Illinois is often mistaken for Camryn Manheim from the side.
Illinois is being eroded on the North-East by Lake Michigan. The largest city in Illinois is Chicago. Illinois is home to the Oprah Winfrey Show, McDonalds, and Barack Obama. Illinois is a Virgo who loves pets, but hates smokers and overweight women. Illinois likes long walks on the beach, but unfortunately, the beaches have been closed because of high bacteria levels.
From the rolling prairies in the north, to the undulating prairies in the center, and the some other adjective prairies in the south, Illinois has earned her title as "Some state with an Assload of Praries" —Oscar Wilde.
In the deep, deep, south, or "little Ho-Bag Egyptian Chick", there are a few hills oddly shaped like Janet Jackson's breasts. (Scary, innit?) Also, Egypt's own capital, Cairo, was relocated there circa 1500 B.C. by King Tut after he became bored of Egypt's crappy terrain.
Illinois has numerous rivers and streams, including the Mrs. Ippy River (named for the wife of discoverer Mr. Ippy), the Wobbish river (named for the river's extreme (Wobbishness), the M Bra River (named for unknown reasons), and, strangely, the Illinois River. Plus some forests, some lakes, and other crap, including a deer. But just one, and he's a real prick.
Illinois is divided into two sections, Chicago, and "downstate", also known as "Not Chicago". Politics between these two parts of the state are contentious.
Illinois was founded by the chief of the Illini people Chief Illiniwek, who recently was killed by a brigade of guilty white liberals, using "Native American" protest as a cover. This noble and wise leader was quoted as saying: "After I die, please use my name as a mascot at sporting events. Have some white guy dress up in a costume that has nothing to do with my culture, and dance around at halftime!" and "Duhnt da da Dananana da Duhnt da da Dananana da!" (vaguely Indian sounding Tomahawk chop song).
In 1491, Raymuendo LaGrange discovered the land which is now known as La Grange Park. In 1492 La Grange Park fell under the control of a dictator known as Sir Phillips, a Viking warrior. He ruled with an Iron fist using advanced technology for the time like hand cannons and other ballistics to conquer surrounding villages until his death in 1753. Unfortunately, before his death he burned all documents regarding his leadership and town history. The Empire fell apart and the town was unstable until a leader known as Cautious Casey of PleasentVille promised a new kind of hope for the citizens in 1759. In the Winter of 1759 He instituted The WALL program that was to put citizens to work by building walls and fortifications that isolated the village from the outside world. Nobody was able to go beyond the walls because Cautious Casey told them that there was bad things beyond the walls. The program was completed in 1761. La Grange Park was flourishing under this rule until all resources were used up and the citizens and the leadership starved to death in 1775. La Grange Park was a barren wasteland until it was re-discovered by Prokaskius III in 1813. His militant Fascist regime tore down the walls of Cautious Casey in 1815 because they suffered decay and were significantly outdated. Prokaskius the III lead his people in a similar way that of Cautious Casey with building citizen infrastructure, however a Wall Program was not instituted. In 1822 Prokaskious III initiated a campaign to spy on it's citizens fearing a revolution. Many people were rounded up and taken to extermination camps in the Northern most part of the town. A band of revolutionary citizens lead by the Lord Metz fled to the southern woods and established many guerrilla warfare outposts. In October of 1823 Prokaskius III wanted to end the guerrillas so he sent out a regiment of Calvary Scouts to the southern woods. They were ambushed and slaughtered relentlessly by the Poslamists led by Arch Duke Posluzny on their expedition to the Westchester Settlement. Prokaskius III mobilized his Elite Black Hand army to neutralize the revolutionary Citizens led by Lord Metz and the Poslamist regime led by Arch Duke Posluzny. Fed up with the Lord Metz and Arch-Duke Posluzny now being allies, Prokaskius III declared a major unconventional war against the team, which has ravaged the land ever since.
In 1673, Father Jacques (Black Jack) Marquette (French-born missionary of the Jesuit order and part-time pimp), Louis Joliet (it's pronounced jo-lee-et damnit!), (Canadian goalie and mapmaker), and John Lennon (British songwriter and God), were the first Europeans to view the land on which the City of Chicago was to stand. It was there, they met with Illini Chief Wipes Without Leaves along what is now the Chicago River. Wipes Without Leaves greeted his new visitors with welcoming, unwashed arms, and assisted them in traversing the region.
The Illini were later run out by the coming of the Americans (although the French technically arrived first, it's amazing they managed to defeat anybody, let alone Indians). It was the Americans who founded the City of Chicago on a place the Indians called "Place of the Stinking Onion" (seriously) which later was renamed "Place of the Stinking Sports Teams" for obvious reasons. A few years later Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin in some other state (Kentucky), but moved to Illinois to get away from the constant under aged cousin marrying, and because people there were FUCKTARDS. In Illinois he founded the city of Springfield, which would later gain prominence as the home of The Simpsons. Lincoln gained fame by challenging Kirk Douglas to a series of debates, the oddly and randomly named Lincoln-Douglas Debates. When Lincoln won, Oscar Wilde quipped "That Lincoln was a master debater!" Lincoln used his fame to be elected President. This started the Civil War.
In recent years a movement has begun in Illinois to forcibly remove the largest city from the state. Led by the elder statesman Chuck Ficago (rearrange the first consonant sounds of each word to form a true statement) the movement emphasizes the annoying stupid jerkiness of the Windy City.
Illinois is an amazing natural wonder where corn and soy beans grow wild on the prairie and can be seen in their natural habitat called "farms." Illinois is home to, like, a zillion deer, plus probably some birds, and squirrels (including the odd, white ones in Olney), softball-sized pigeons in Chicago, University of Illinois students, and other crap, including, but not limited to, the famous bald-balled eagle and some more corn and soy beans. Did we mention all the corn and soybeans? Before the Ministry of Biological Mutation Science was burned to the ground by outraged citizens, La Grange Park was Illinois's top contributor to biology. Results of the M.B.M.S. include: cloning, cures for cancer, and necromancy.
Illinois was the birthplace of many famous writers, including Carl "Ryno" Sandburg, who wrote poems and played for the Cubbies; that dude who wrote "Spoon River Anthology," who was famous for writing "Spoon River Anthology,"; and James Jones, the From Here to Eternity guy, not the "Let's go to the jungle and drink poisoned Kool-Aid" guy. (He was from Indiana!). Literature is readily available in all towns but La Grange Park and it's satellite territories. Prokaskius III has placed a strict ban on all books, painting, etc until they are reviewed by the Ministry of Arts and Literature so they cannot be misinterpreted as propaganda sent by Lord Metz. Any citizen caught with books or art not approved are sent to live in War Memorial Park for four days. This punishment is considered by most to be worse than death.
Illinois boasts hundreds of thousands of miles of roadway, almost 1.7% of which are in drivable condition at any given time. The rest are under construction, fueling the state's economy by adding needed jobs in the road construction industry, and the Illinois Political Patronage Brotherhood of Sign Holders and Shovel Leaners, which depends on constant road construction for its continued existence. To maintain the roads in this condition, state law requires concrete to contain at least 35% white corn meal (cleverly subsidizing the Illinois farmer as well as the road construction industry). It also mandates tar products to be replaced with black licorice in the manufacture of asphalt. During summer months, hapless Illinois home-owners across the state obtain big brushes and squeegees, and can be seen coating their driveways with a new layer of melted black licorice, vainly but valiantly attempting to prevent them (the driveways, not the home-owners) from disintegrating into gray pebbles. This explains the popular saying: "There are two seasons: Blizzard, and Tornado". Also synonymous with "Winter and Construction" in the North.
More people die on Illinois roadways than those who die from AIDS in Africa This is primarily due to hit-and-run rapist Ronald Reagan, who has accounted for more than all of the deaths and who remains at-large.
FACT: 4 out 5 Wisconsin Drivers would rather drive via South Dakota than drive through the state of Illinois.
FACT: 5 out of 5 Illinois Drivers are fine with that.
FACT: La Grange Park's leader Prokaskius III placed a ban on all automotives so they do not use gas. reason being, all fuel goes towards tanks and other war machines. Citizens caught driving are removed from their vehicles and run over by said vehicle. Citizens are encouraged to walk or bike but horse drawn carriages are acceptable.
Illinois is home to numerous sports teams including:
- Chicago White Sox, also known as Chicago White Sux (who think that just because they won one world series they are worth something)
- Chicago Cubs, also known as Chicago Chokers, Chicago Scrubbies (who haven't gone to the World Series in the last 36,933 years, but still have more fans than the Chicago Blackhawks basically because their fans are only at Wrigley for a party. (There's a baseball game going on? Who knew?)
- Schaumburg Flyers (who used to rock, but now are a lame Creed tribute band)
- Milwaukee Brewers (a baseball team which moves it's home field to Wrigley around ten times per season).
- Chicago Bears, known as Da Bears; the less said, the better.
- Chicago Bullshits (who used to be horrible, then rocked, now they may do something useless before falling back mediocrity)
- Rumor has it that there's a university somewhere in Illinois that may have had a good basketball team in the '04-'05 season, but the rumors have never been confirmed.
- The Chicago Blackhawks are allegedly a hockey team. Allegedly. Did you get that? Which part? Allegedly or Fuck yourself?
- State animal: The human (Homo sapiens)
(This was changed from "Construction Sawhorse" (those things alongside the road with the white and orange stripes and the little orange light that ironically enough beeps when it blinks - like you can 'hear' a light blink at 65mph) in 2004)
- Automobiles in the State of Illinois release concentrated evil instead of exhaust.
- Residents of Illinois are proven to have 33% more kidneys.
- State Movie: Snow Dogs
- State fish: The Toilet Fish (Looswimmis majoris)
- State motto: "Bitch, I'm from Illinois... Clear the road."
- State prairie grass: Little Purplestem (Andropogoat georgerdii)
- State Anime: Tokyo Mew Mew
- State band: Lincoln's Bedroom
- State slogan: "Don't pronounce the fucking "s" or we will go all Prairie State on your ass."
- State snack: Peanut butter
- State Song: "Ohio for Lovers -- Illinois for Divorcees (Sad, Tired, Worn-Out Divorcees)"
(This was changed in 2004 from "Construction Ahead" after it was discovered that more Illinoisans knew their state motto better than other people in their respective states.)
- State tree: That tall one over there... No, wait, a little to the left... Yep, that's the one! (Biggis tallus)
- Other State trees: Silver Maple, Poison Sumac
- State parasite: Rod Blagojevich (Governorus Withanamehardtospellus)
- State color: Yellow, the color of fucking corn
- State Nicknames: Land of Satan, America's Sewer, Little North Korea, The upside-down state, Social desert as dry as Tatooine, Where drowsy drivers abound
- Two time recipient of "Most Likely To Be Hit By A Meteorite" award.
- Annual recipient since 2003 of "Land with the Most Drowsy and Reckless Drivers per capita" award.
- Illinois has frequent supernatural plagues. The most recent (and ongoing) is the Plague of the DuPage County, in which several thousand SUV's encountered a gentle curve and rolled over.
- Most likely state to be voted out of the Union.
- Illinois is the only state where the even-numbered east-west highway, I-94, runs north and south. Usually occurs within the Chilwaukee metropolitan area.
- One of the few states that have to remind their drivers with road signs not to drive on the shoulder and to use their turn signals, which is usually up by Chicago.
- When it comes to nuclear, Illinois is the worst state to live in the US. The state has 13 nuclear power plants than any other state. If one nuke plant explodes, millions will flee Illinois. Illinois is known as "The Chernobyl of the West."
- Amboy - Once believed to be the city of origin of Ted Nugent's first band, 'The Amboy Dukes,' further research has shown it to actually be a habitat of a small species of local waterfowl, 'The Amboy Ducks.'
- Ashkum - Often the town ridiculed in debates of the better towns, its only residents are meth users, underachieving dropouts of high school and Pokemon celebrity Ash Ketchum. Referred to by surrounding towns as Trashkum or Asscum. The town was built too attract nobody's from the far corners of the earth, and was supposed to have been destroyed back in 01, but funds were cut and the demolition was moved to a later date. Basically if your looking to fail at life, go here, because you cant fail any faster.
- Aurora - A giant shithole. Known by some as the home of Wayne and Garth. Better known as the home of drunk Mexicans. Shares a perverse "Twin-Cities" relationship with Naperville, with Aurora being the Danny DeVito twin...if Danny DeVito was Cheech Marin on blow.
- Belvidere - Illinois' largest automotive producing center, second only to Detroit, Michigan.
DaimlerChrysler rules this village the employees there are subject to lose their jobs and intrude the residential homes. Belvidere has the most awesome Oasis on the highway. Highly recommended for their McDonald's egg McMuffins. I went there once. It was fun. You should stop there.
- Blue Island - The former home of Hollywood heavyweight Gary Sinise and musical legend Kanye West. It has been noted that there is no God in Blue Island. Blue Island is a good place to lay down on some railroad tracks. People come from afar to enjoy Blue Island's infamous eatery: Taco Bell.
- Bonnie - In the 1920's a teenage Bonnie Parker went to this unincorporated town before meeting her B.F. in Chicago then in Texas.
- Brookfield - The first town to be utterly destroyed. There seriously is next to nothing left but bombed out houses. Rumor has it that the train stop in Brookfield is haunted by undead citizens.
- Burr Ridge- The rich, elite live here... and are robbed daily by a crafty citizen who is known to kick the elitists in the face.
- Byron - Its landmark of the village is the Commonwealth Edison nuclear power plant. It will blow up any second.
- Cahokia - Site of the Cahokia Mounds, the largest mass grave in the United States, containing 193 million bodies. It was created during the Great Native-American Holocaust by Abraham Lincoln by his first executive order after becoming president. "I promise to make huge hills out of dead bodies of Injuns if I am elected," Lincoln promised.
- Carbondale - A slave camp in Southern Illinois run by Prokaskius III. POW's from wars are sent here to work on a railroad that will one day connect La Grange Park to other towns.
- Cairo - The Egyptians settled here before Abraham Lincoln did. The 2008 economy is a bit sluggish, with an average per capita income of -$246.00, which they need quick before the electricity is shut off again.
- Centralia - The shitty products used at ultra foods.
- Champaign - The parasitic twin of Urbana. Many alcoholics live here, making this the alcohol (especially beer, vodka, and wine) capital of Illinois. Champaign was named after the bubbly alcoholic drink, but someone dropped the "e".
- Chatsworth- There's only one phone in this town. How bad do you want to use it?
- Chebanse - The unofficial midpoint between Champaign and Chicago, It's Church has the address of 187, police code for Homicide. Michael Jordan declared Chebanse as "a suitable place to raise a family."
- Cherry Valley - The only well-known community of Rockford. The biggest water park in Illinois is crowded on every summer and people defecate, urinate and ejaculate while having fun in the pool.
- Chicago - Chicago is not compared to Los Angeles or New York City but it is quite a mini-New York. Immigrants who are sick and tired of living in those two megacities can move to Chicago. Asian, Latino and European immigrants are mixed in this city. Over 80% of VIPs are born in Chicago. Chicago is the railroad capital of the world.
- Clifton - The police of this shithole are worthless and are really drug dealers. You can purchase meth, coke, angel dust, and other great drugs at very low prices from them. On days like Halloween, some have reported that if you stand out in the middle of corn fields the corn-cob mangler chases you from the fields. The Clifton pond is a graveyard for old pirate ships, pirates like black beard, and Captain Ass Sniff, were to have sailed its dangerous waters. The gas station is ran by Ex-cons, drug dealers and pedophiles. You can also purchase drugs from them at very low costs. On late autumn nights, if you walk out into the country of Clifton you can hear mooncrickets singing their uplifting tunes.
- Countryside - An unincorporated region in the La Grange Park empire. Heavy industry from Sir Phillips' rule starved the land of resources and run down factories are all that remains. It is a notorious hang out area for Lord Metz's ultra-nationalist party.
- Crystal Lake - Named after Jean-Claude Van Damme. Crystal Lake is known for The Great BJ Brawl of 2002 or so (Gay Olympics). After this "fest" filled with circle jerks and The Culture Club Crystal Lake put together a plan to remove all gays from the city. In December if 2006 we threw all our gays away to better the school systems. This bitchy, disrespectful lake is filled with Mexican breast milk and empty Pepsi cups.
- Dixon - The Devil lived here.
- Dolton - You know it's just like Compton, fool!
- East Dubuque - Locals call it East Des Moines. Its true name is East St. Louis.
- East St. Louis - The crime ridden suburb in the St. Louis area compared to Harvey, Chicago's south side. This is not a safe place to view the St. Louis skyline. Also nicknamed the Track & Field Capital of Illinois, Jackie-Joyner Kersee grew up there.
- Effingham - Also known as Fuckingham, but the religious leaders had forced the mayor change its name. Only Fucking, Austria remains uncensored. Also the town's high school mascot is the flaming fags.
- Elizabeth - Named after a first limey, Queen Elizabeth, the American version of the Japanese style observation tower is only landmark in America.
- Evanston - When coming home, residents park their cars in gatehouses and ride private subways up to their homes. The richest man of all Mr. T lives here.
- Freeport - Largest slave market in pre-civil war times.
- Galena - President Ulysses S. Grant has a home here and haunts it occasionally. Mice in the prehistoric clock tower are planning to take over the city.
- Galesburg - Abraham Lincoln once stopped here to take a leak. Unfortunately, a strong wind blew the urine back onto himself, as the town is known as the "Windy City: Galesburg."
- Glen Ellyn - Home to College of DuPage Indoctrination Center for the Simple Minded. This is where citizens get molded into zombies thinking that Lord Metz is God, hence, why Prokaskius III has it on his to do list for things to be removed. However, the 4th EC traveled there and never returned.
- Jerseyville - If living or even just employed in this town, you must follow town ordinance to wear a Chicago Bulls Jersey at all times.
- Joliet - Chicagoland's prison city, it is home of the Stateville Correction Center and prison (aka Fox River).
- Kankakee - Also known as Skankakee. Many skanks live in this area. Considered the skank and slut capital of Illinois.
- Lake Forest - Have you ever seen "Deliverance"?
- La Grange - A satellite town of La Grange Park. This town is currently being fought over by Lord Metz and Prokaskius III for establishing the tactical advantage into the Western Springs District. The railroad system was recent bombed by Lord Metz, slowing down Prokaskius III's supply lines.
- Maple Park - George Bush Jr. once came threw here on a charity run and was stuck in the park for weeks.
- Marion - The home of the federal supermax prison, where dangerous criminals are locked up and subject to anal rape by the ghost of John Gotti, a former inmate. See also Joliet, for the Stateville Correction Center.
- Mattoon - Due to an increase in the railroad business, its pop. has increased from 200 to 300.
- Metropolis - Is this the place where Superman lives? Maybe in the Smallville series version. But there are no movie theaters nor skyscrapers in town. Batman is often seen parading about here pretending to be Superman.
- Minooka- The land of shadow, where demons stalk the living and the dead teach high school. No Circle K, just a big ass useless Pilot Travel Center that fucks up traffic.
- Monmouth - People here are born with extra large mouths due to a chemical spill in the 50's.
- Morris - The people of Morris worship there god named Morr, their god is really a volcano and they believe it will bring them peace.
- Morton - Home of the Morton Salt factory. Here, when it rains, it pours (salt).
- Mound City - Ground zero for awesome tits. Formerly known as Sweatermeat Village.
- Mount Vernon - Academy Award winner Jack Black lived here for a month or two. Abandoning it was his smartest move.
- Naperville - Formerly a small, quaint town of perhaps 25,000 situated along the DuPage river, rumor of it's smallness, quaintness and nice-place-to-live-in-ness has now swelled the population to approximately 900,000 with very little adjustment to local infrastructure, resulting in obligatory triple and sometimes quadruple parking, flagrant jaywalking and an general atmosphere of 'what's-so-hot-about-this-zoo-ness'...
- Niles - Home of the Leaning Tower of Pisa replica and the infamous Golf Mill Mall.
- Oak Park - Birthplace of Ernest Hemingway and herpes. Ironically, the entire town has never gotten laid.
- Ottawa - A little slice of Canada trapped in Illinois' body. Known far and wide for heroin-use, some shit about Abe Lincoln, approximately 43,782.6 tactless murals and a McDonald's that serves Happy Meals containing marijuana and related products.
- Pecatonica - Transliterated as "Sweet Freckles."
- Pekin - The meth capital of the United States.
- Peru - We haven't found any Peruvians here yet.
- Pontiac - Inspired by the automobile, the town was founded by Buddhists in 1981.
- Rock Island - A large hobo camp with a population of approximately 5,500 persons living in ramshackle tents, shacks, and shanties. The most common cause of death for locals is falling asleep on the railroad tracks, with tuberculosis as a close second.
- Rockford - Hooker capital of Illinois and home of James Garner. Also filled with Emos and scene kids. Also the birthplace of the 80's porn star Ginger Lynn and the Rock Band Cheap Trick.
- Scales Mound - There's a mini-mountain in Illinois that you could see Galena, the Mississippi river, Iowa, Wisconsin, and the Sears Tower when you climb on the top. (Gee. Fascinating.)
- Shermer - Where all the honeys are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies - except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh. Mayor of Shermer: Some fuck named John Hughes.
- Sleepy Hollow - The scariest place in Illinois. Also has a hidden location of buried treasure. Those who find it will be rich beyond their wildest dreams.
- Urbana - The parasitic twin of Champaign. Many alcoholics live here, making this the alcohol (especially beer, vodka, and wine) capital of Illinois.
- Utica - A one mile stretch of town included six bars and a completely unnecessary gazebo.
- Vandalia - On august 10 you can come and vandalize the town without a class one felony being charged on you.
- Waukegan - An Algonquin word, meaning, "The Good Land," aka, "Milwaukee To the South (w/o Beer)". Murder capital (per capita) of Illinois, surpassed in the Mid-West US only by Gary, Indiana, and Detroit, Michigan.
- Western Springs - One of the only towns in the La Grange Park region that isn't complete urban decay. The citizens here are trained to evade bombing raiding from stray bullets and shells. The water tower in Wester Springs acts as a watch post, but Prokaskius III and Lord Metz both have reason to believe that the citizens are stocking up on weapons to rebel once the town is taken.
- Willow Springs - A once peaceful town turned barren wasteland after Sir Phillips used a tactical nuke to lower population levels. It's now mostly forests and dead stuff. The Sanitary and Shipping Canal runs through it and gets raided by Lord Metz for supplies.
- Woodstock - Originally named Punxsutawney. Noted for horrendous traffic jams at the narrow railroad overpass bottleneck on Route 47.