“What the fuck is this place?”
“I do not recognize Illinois as a state, my loyalty belongs to the Socialist State of La Grange Park”
“Buy one senate seat, get one free!”
“Who are these people?! This is insane! They're so gosh darn crude as they were waving me... ”
“Hey welcome to Ill-annoy, as we're just saying hello hey Paula Deen, get lost you worthless bitch! Give me that damned flag, I ran out of toilet paper. Here you go, you are not welcome here. Those tears you cried on video, were they crocodile?”
“What's grosser than gross? Look up what played up on Braidwood, Illinois, and don't answer that”
“Kiss my ass! I got arrested for running a cemetery without a license.”
Situated on the windswept steppes of the American Midwest, Illinois (pron. "ill-annoy" or I'll Annoy) is one of the 50-odd states of the United States of Armenia. Noted for its varied Geography, rich History, brilliant Literature, unique Biology, exciting Physical Education, somewhat boring Algebra II, rather stimulating Sexual Education, rather stimulating Sexual Acts, and endless fields of corn... No, wait, that last one's Iowa. Hilariously, Illinois is often mistaken for Camryn Manheim from the side.
Illinois is being eroded on the North-East by Lake Michigan. The largest city in Illinois is Chicago, and the smallest is... well, who cares? everyone lives in Chicago! Illinois is home to the Oprah Winfrey Show, McDonalds, and Barack Obama. Illinois is a Virgo, who loves pets, but hates smokers and overweight women. Illinois likes long walks on the beach, but unfortunately the beaches have been closed because of high bacteria levels. Contrary to popular belief, Illinois loves Democrats and black people.
From the rolling prairies in the north, to the undulating prairies in the center, and the some other adjective prairies in the south, Illinois has earned her title as "Some state with an Assload of Praries" —Oscar Wilde.
In the deep, deep, south, or "little Ho-Bag Egyptian Chick", there are a few hills oddly shaped like Janet Jackson's breasts. (Scary, innit?) Also, Egypt's own capital, Cairo, was relocated there circa 1500 B.C. by King Tut after he became bored of Egypt's crappy terrain.
Illinois has numerous rivers and streams, including the Mrs. Ippy River (named for the wife of discoverer Mr. Ippy), the Wobbish river (named for the river's extreme (Wobbishness), the M Bra River (named for unknown reasons), and, strangely, the Illinois River. Plus some forests, some lakes, and other crap, including a deer. But just one, and he's a real prick.
La Grange Park, Illinois one of many Towns in the United States also known as United States of America is located at 41°49′47″N 87°52′9″W / 41.82972°N 87.86917°W / 41.82972; -87.86917 (41.829831, -87.869233). According to the Census Bureau, the village has a total area of 122,000 square miles 75% land, 15% lake, and 10% River and creek. However, due to the poison gas usage by Prokaskius III, some parts of the land are still, to this day, not suitable for living. Whether or not this was used by him on his own people or used to combat enemies has not been determined.
Illinois is divided into two sections, Chicago, and Prairiecornmissourentuckeewadialand, aka "Not Chicago". Politics between these two parts of the state have been hotly debated. See Governor Rod Bla... Blagoy... Blegoia... Smith. Rod Blagojivagivoralevirgovigoyargashit, anyways the governor is an enormous douche. There. T
Illinois was founded by the chief of the Illini people Chief Illiniwek, who recently was killed by a brigade of guilty white liberals, using "Native American" protest as a cover. This noble and wise leader was quoted as saying: "After I die, please use my name as a mascot at sporting events. Have some white guy dress up in a costume that has nothing to do with my culture, and dance around at halftime!" and "Duhnt da da Dananana da Duhnt da da Dananana da!" (vaguely Indian sounding Tomahawk chop song).
In 1491, Raymuendo LaGrange discovered the land which is now known as La Grange Park. In 1492 La Grange Park fell under the control of a dictator known as Sir Phillips, a Viking warrior. He ruled with an Iron fist using advanced technology for the time like hand cannons and other ballistics to conquer surrounding villages until his death in 1753. Unfortunately, before his death he burned all documents regarding his leadership and town history. The Empire fell apart and the town was unstable until a leader known as Cautious Casey of PleasentVille promised a new kind of hope for the citizens in 1759. In the Winter of 1759 He instituted The WALL program that was to put citizens to work by building walls and fortifications that isolated the village from the outside world. Nobody was able to go beyond the walls because Cautious Casey told them that there was bad things beyond the walls. The program was completed in 1761. La Grange Park was flourishing under this rule until all resources were used up and the citizens and the leadership starved to death in 1775. La Grange Park was a barren wasteland until it was re-discovered by Prokaskius III in 1813. His militant Fascist regime tore down the walls of Cautious Casey in 1815 because they suffered decay and were significantly outdated. Prokaskius the III lead his people in a similar way that of Cautious Casey with building citizen infrastructure, however a Wall Program was not instituted. In 1822 Prokaskious III initiated a campaign to spy on it's citizens fearing a revolution. Many people were rounded up and taken to extermination camps in the Northern most part of the town. A band of revolutionary citizens lead by the Lord Metz fled to the southern woods and established many guerrilla warfare outposts. In October of 1823 Prokaskius III wanted to end the guerrillas so he sent out a regiment of Calvary Scouts to the southern woods. They were ambushed and slaughtered relentlessly by the Poslamists led by Arch Duke Posluzny on their expedition to the Westchester Settlement. Prokaskius III mobilized his Elite Black Hand army to neutralize the revolutionary Citizens led by Lord Metz and the Poslamist regime led by Arch Duke Posluzny. Fed up with the Lord Metz and Arch-Duke Posluzny now being allies, Prokaskius III declared a major unconventional war against the team, which has ravaged the land ever since.
In 1673, Father Jacques (Black Jack) Marquette (French-born missionary of the Jesuit order and part-time pimp), Louis Joliet (it's pronounced with the silent "t" damnit!), (Canadian goalie and mapmaker), and John Lennon (he wasn't here yet), were the first Europeans to view the land on which the City of Chicago was to stand. It was there, they met with Illini Chief Wipes Without Leaves along what is now the Chicago River. Wipes Without Leaves greeted his new visitors with welcoming, unwashed arms, and assisted them in traversing the region. The state of Illinois is part of the French colonies where Canada later settled where Greater Sudbury and Joliet are easy sibling cities. Illinois, Wisconsin and Ontario have that tie. The cities are either named for French or First Nations. Some of the locals can say the French pronouncing. Joliet is one of them..
The Illini were later run out by the coming of the Americans (although the French technically arrived first, it's amazing they managed to defeat anybody, let alone Indians). It was the Americans who founded the City of Chicago on a place the Indians called "Place of the Stinking Onion" (seriously) which later was renamed "Place of the Stinking Sports Teams" for obvious reasons. A few years later Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin in some other state (Kentuckistan), but moved to Illinois to get away from the constant under aged cousin marrying, and because people there were FUCKTARDS. In Illinois he founded the city of Springfield, which would later gain prominence as the home of The Simpsons. Lincoln gained fame by challenging Kirk Douglas to a series of debates, the oddly and randomly named Lincoln-Douglas Debates. When Lincoln won, Oscar Wilde quipped "That Lincoln was a master debater!" Lincoln used his fame to be elected President. This started the Civil War.
In recent years a movement has begun in Illinois to forcibly remove the largest city from the state. Led by the elder statesman Chuck Ficago (rearrange the first consonant sounds of each word to form a true statement) the movement emphasizes the annoying stupid jerkiness of the Windy City.
Illinois is an amazing natural wonder where corn and soy beans grow wild on the prairie and can be seen in their natural habitat called "farms." Illinois is home to, like, a zillion deer, plus probably some birds, and squirrels (including the odd, white ones in Olney), softball-sized pigeons in Chicago, University of Illinois students, and other crap, including, but not limited to, the famous bald-balled eagle and some more corn and soy beans. Did we mention all the corn and soybeans? Before the Ministry of Biological Mutation Science was burned to the ground by outraged citizens, La Grange Park was Illinois's top contributor to biology. Results of the M.B.M.S. include: cloning, cures for cancer, and necromancy.
“Holy shit. I was compelled to read this because of the title (My birthday) I loved this one, moving, emotional and the type that hits you in the gut as you read it. Especially, the section with you and the cab driver speaking about the murder. excellent read. I look forward to reading more.”
“Cabbie was quite interesting: much more smoothly written than the Holden story. It was an intriguing inversion of a strange little Irish short film called "This Little Piggy," which I definitely recommend if you can find it (used to be on YouTube), with the setting and the seemingly senseless murder. I can definitely see the connection: not to Holden, but to my work, 26, in that respect at least.”
Illinois was the birthplace of many famous writers, including Carl "Ryno" Sandburg, who wrote poems and played for the Cubbies; that dude who wrote "Spoon River Anthology," who was famous for writing "Spoon River Anthology,"; and James Jones, the From Here to Eternity guy, not the "Let's go to the jungle and drink poisoned Kool-Aid" guy. (He was from Indiana!). Literature is readily available in all towns but La Grange Park and it's satellite territories. Hanover Park area produced the book titled, A Time Most Unexpected and it's ISBN is 978-1-64254-947-8. A good number of the authors on the website really don't interact with each other or had called one a fraud or snail oil salesman.
LaGrange, Illinois established in 1879 folks but here they created a fictional resident, but the connection to College of DuPage well there's truth in this twice. A journalist who wrote for Outburn Magazine had some irresponsible traits that were revealed in the pages of The Pattern Of Diagnosis and the story that was written known as Chronic Disease. Those who confuse Carl Sandburg (the poet,) and Ryne Sandburg (The Cubs player from the 1980s into 1990s, there's no relation between the two. The funny will be if they were trying to do the family tree between them.)
The Cabbie Homicide is born in the Joliet Southlands then seen a Gothic Horror opus come with an oil painting. Gothic Horror is one of the places where the locations are real. Imagine Edgar Allan Poe and H. P. Lovecraft in the 1990s playing with real locations and real histories. Normal, Illinois, had David Foster Wallace. The ties to dark literature from Chicagoland came all from the same person who wrote The Cabbie Homicide and The Pattern Of Diagnosis. Picture Edgar Allan Poe if he discovered the word "fuck" as Bob Saget with a word processor and doing 2,484 word beast right out of the box at 25 years old.
You know you were from Chicago when one can see The Tell-tale Heart played up much harder and darker. with more characters and all true. The Chicago Tribune plays up the original events. Ghosts in the Tornado is a cult Goth Sci-Fi Horror that plays up the force of high pitched roaring noise of a tornado, it's known to be quite fast and ultra-dark in tone. It appeared with The Oblong Box by Edgar Allan Poe and The Temple by H. P. Lovecraft. The attack was perfected and inspired from the anthology Quakes And Storms: A Natural Disaster Anthology.
These three stories came from the same author. A third generation Italian-American from Roselle, Illlinois, where his cousins owned a deli in Roselle, and his uncle and grandfather worked for the Water Department as he was photographed in a Roselle Public Works t-shirt in 2011. He attended Spring Hill Elementary School from 1982-1986.
The Pattern Of Diagnosis, a creative nonfiction work that made waves in the small press circles has origins in Oak Lawn, Justice, Maywood and LaGrange. The LaGrange area has close ties to DuPage County as Maywood lays claim to Robert Bloch. Normon Bates lived in Maywood, Illinois. Ghosts in the Tornado was published in Jolly Ole England and they got to see now nightmarish it was to be a tornado dodger. Gothic Horror for Tornado Dodgers is realistic fiction and creative nonfiction.
Horror in Illinois, the more plausible it is then the more unhinged the reader gets as in "is he making this up?" That's part of the fun with the movement known as Suburban Gothic. Richard Matheson is the key author in this form and the 1990s the author who wrote The Cabbie Homicide gave the urban suburban sprawl a nightmarish sheen that revealed something pitch black within the Western Suburbs. The one who was doing the black humor before was the one who created the fictional village that the real places are discussed below.
Illinois boasts hundreds of thousands of miles of roadway, almost 1.7% of which are in drivable condition at any given time. The rest are under construction, fueling the state's economy by adding needed jobs in the road construction industry, and the Illinois Political Patronage Brotherhood of Sign Holders and Shovel Leaners, which depends on constant road construction for its continued existence. To maintain the roads in this condition, state law requires concrete to contain at least 35% white corn meal (cleverly subsidizing the Illinois farmer as well as the road construction industry). It also mandates tar products to be replaced with black licorice in the manufacture of asphalt. During summer months, hapless Illinois home-owners across the state obtain big brushes and squeegees, and can be seen coating their driveways with a new layer of melted black licorice, vainly but valiantly attempting to prevent them (the driveways, not the home-owners) from disintegrating into gray pebbles. This explains the popular saying: "There are two seasons: Blizzard, and Tornado". Also synonymous with "Winter and Construction" in the North.
More people die on Illinois roadways than those who die from AIDS in Africa This is primarily due to hit-and-run rapist Ronald Reagan, who has accounted for more than all of the deaths and who remains at-large.
FACT: 4 out 6 Wisconsin Drivers would rather drive via South Dakota than drive through the state of Illinois.
FACT: 5 out of 6 Illinois Drivers are fine with that.
FACT: 6 out of 8 they see a speed limit that's 65 they go 80 mph if they have a Buick Grand National. They would use the interstate for drag racing and seeing how many rural cops they would give the extended digit. The one editing this was speeding without a driver's license to save his best friend's life in an Escort Wagon down Glen Ellyn Road.
FACT: La Grange Park's leader Prokaskius III placed a ban on all automotive so they do not use gas. reason being, all fuel goes towards tanks and other war machines. Citizens caught driving are removed from their vehicles and run over by said vehicle. Citizens are encouraged to walk or bike but horse drawn carriages are acceptable.
Illinois is home to numerous sports teams including:
|State animal:||The human (Homo sapiens)|
|State band:||Lincoln's Bedroom|
|State bird:||Extended Middle Digit Bird (Screwyouis yousuckis)|
|State governor:||Too Many Jailbirds|
|State exclamation:||"Pipeboooomb" or "Balllllin!!"|
|State dance:||The Robot|
|State fish:||The Fish Tit(Danger)|
|State flower:||Oddly enough, the Yellow Rose of Texas. An Illinois regiment captured it during the Civil War. (Nobodyus Caresus)|
|State fossil:||The Tully Monster (Oldus womanis)|
|State insect:||George W. Bush (Gorgus Bushicus)|
|State language:||English, Spanish (both official)|
|State mineral:||Vitamin C|
|State Anime:||Tokyo Mew Mew|
|State motto:||“Buy one senate seat, get one free!”|
|State amphibian:||A fucking frog!|
|State Songs:||"Ohio's for Lovers, Illinois for Divorcees," "Cherub Rock," "Run to the Light," and "Thieves" pending where you're driving.|
|State prairie grass:||Little Purplestem (Andropogoat georgerdii)|
|State slogan:||"Under Construction" (unofficially "Don't pronounce the fucking 's', okay?")|
|State soil:||Rich Dirt|
|State song:||"You Be Illin'" by Run-DMC|
|State snack:||Gopher tits|
|State tree:||That tall one over there... No, wait, a little to the left... Yep, that's the one! (Biggis tallus)|
|State disease:||Dandy Fever|
|State parasite:||Rod Blagojevich (Governorus Withanamehardtospellus)|
|State color:||Orange, the color of road construction signs|
|State Heroes:||Dennis DeYoung, Mancow Muller, William Patrick Corgan|
- Chicago White Sox, also known as Chicago White Sux (who think that just because they won one world series they are worth something)
- Chicago Cubs, also known as Chicago Chokers, Chicago Scrubbies (who haven't gone to the World Series in the last 36,540 years, but still have more fans than the Chicago Blackhawks basically because their fans are only at Wrigley for a party. (There's a baseball game going on? Who knew?)
- Joliet Slammers-- another one of the baseball teams that play Schamburg Flyers, Joliet was attempting to shed some of it's nickname when they gained The Harrahs and a few nightclubs. Sometimes cashes in on it's famous fictional residents.
- Schaumburg Flyers (who used to rock, but now are a lame Creed tribute band)
- Milwaukee Brewers (a baseball team which moves it's home field to Wrigley around ten times per season).
- Chicago Bears, known as Da Bears; the less said, the better.
- Chicago Bullshits (who used to be horrible, then rocked, now they may do something useless before falling back mediocrity)
- Rumor has it that there's a university somewhere in Illinois that may have had a good basketball team in the '04-'05 season, but the rumors have never been confirmed.
- The Chicago Blackhawks are allegedly a hockey team. Allegedly.
Did you get that?
Which part? Allegedly or Fuck yourself?
Boring Algebra II
In La Grange Park, math and counting is banned.
Someone from Illinois didn't do the original article so we had someone come in from the state and decided to play around with this and fact check parts of this. Some of the aspects were confirmed by the locals and others were edited by outsiders. So the images we consulted our resident Chicagoan for the parts, as the extended finger had been part of Chicago since the 1980s so you asswipes might consider some parts fact checked for the funny.
- State animal: The human (Homo sapiens)
(This was changed from "Construction Sawhorse" (those things alongside the road with the white and orange stripes and the little orange light that ironically enough beeps when it blinks - like you can 'hear' a light blink at 65mph) in 2004)
- Automobiles in the State of Illinois release concentrated evil instead of exhaust.
- Residents of Illinois are proven to have 33% more kidneys.
- State bird: Extended Middle Digit Bird (Screwyouis yousuckis)
- State capital: Springfield
- State governor: Too many jailbirds.
- State exclamation: "Pipeboooomb"
- State drug: Crystal Meth
- State dance: The Speeding Robot
- State Movie: Snow Dogs
- State fish: The Toilet Fish (Looswimmis majoris)
- State flower: Oddly enough, the Yellow Rose of Texas. An Illinois regiment captured it during the Civil War. (Nobodyus Caresus)
- State fossil: The Tully Monster (Oldus womanis)
- State insect: George W. Bush (Georgus Bushis)
- State language: Broken English, Spanish
- State mineral: Vitamin C
- State motto: "Motherfucker, I'm from Illinois... Clear the road." 🖕
- State prairie grass: Little Purplestem (Andropogoat georgerdii)
- State profanity: Asswipe, Piss-blogger, Motherfucker, F.I.B., F.I.S.H.T.A.B. (Fucking Illinois Shithead Towing A Boat.) Rape Instructor. The Crotch (because of the public urination.)
- State shovel: Spade
- State Sit-com: Roseanne
- State amphibian: A fucking frog!
- State Anime: Tokyo Mew Mew
- State bands: Lincoln's Bedroom, Trouble, Smashing Pumpkins
- State slogan: "Don't pronounce the fucking "s" or we will go all Prairie State on your ass."
- State snack: Peanut butter
- State soil: Dirt
- State Songs: "Ohio for Lovers -- Illinois for Divorcees (Sad, Tired, Worn-Out Divorcees)"
(This was changed in 2004 from "Construction Ahead" after it was discovered that more Illinoisans knew their state motto better than other people in their respective states. When asked what the state motto was in other states, multiple answers of 'I didn't know there were otters here' showed up on the survey) Cherub Rock -- Smashing Pumpkins (Glendale Heights,) Down with the Sickness -- Disturbed (Oak Lawn,) Run to the Light -- Trouble (Aurora,) Thieves -- Ministry.
- State tree: That tall one over there... No, wait, a little to the left... Yep, that's the one! (Biggis tallus)
- Other State trees: Silver Maple, Poison Sumac
- State disease: Dandy Fever
- State liquid: Sewage
- State figure: Darth Vader
- State's sister providence: Ontario, Canada (Chicago and Toronto are sister cities.)
- State bone: Femur
- State prime number: 12
- State school: UIUC
- State state: Confused
- State parasite: Rod Blagojevich (Governorus Withanamehardtospellus)
- State residence nickname: FIB (Fucking Illinois Bastard, used extensively in Wisconsin and on NCC-1701C and the planets Ariel, Persephone and Miranda) See also F.I.S.H. (Fucking Illinois Shithead.)
- State color: Yellow, the color of fucking corn (more accurately. PISS)
- State Question: Want to see a bird fly up close? 🖕
- State Fossil: The Tully Monster (Mazon Creek Fossil Beds is ground zero.)
- State Plague: Gonorrhea
- State State: Illinois
- State Parrot: the Norwegian Blue
- State Country: Finland
- State Barbarian: the Viking
- State Pastime: Circle Jerk
- Home of the rare Zaku.
- State Nicknames: Land of Satan, America's Sewer, Little North Korea, The upside-down state, Social desert as dry as Tatooine, Where drowsy drivers abound (this is true on I-55 when driving from Joliet to University Of Illinois.)
- Two time recipient of "Most Likely To Be Hit By A Meteorite" award.
- Annual recipient since 2003 of "Land with the Most Drowsy and Reckless Drivers per capita" award.
- Illinois has frequent supernatural plagues. The most recent (and ongoing) is the Plague of the DuPage County, in which several thousand SUV's encountered a gentle curve and rolled over. Just be careful flooring it on I-355 as that's where the flipping over happens.
- Most likely state to be voted out of the Union.
- Illinois is the only state where the even-numbered east-west highway, Interstate 94 runs north and south. Usually occurs within the Chilwaukee metropolitan area.
- One of the few states that have to remind their drivers with road signs not to drive on the shoulder and to use their turn signals, which is usually up by Chicago.
- When it comes to nuclear, Illinois is the worst state to live in the US. The state has 13 nuclear power plants than any other state. If one nuke plant causes an explosion, all people will intensely be escaping Illinois including the megacity Chicago. Illinois is known as "The Chernobyl of the West." (This is more accurate with Grundy County than the city itself. Lorenzo Road notoriously has five of them.)
- In the small town of Manthongo are assembled the
mostugliest motha fuckasmotherfuckers ever.
From My Home State to Yours...
This was known as You know you're in Illinois, or had grown up in Northern Illinois. Some might ask questions explaining Downstate and the Southlands. You can tell the regions apart as you have to explain to outsiders some of these. So don't be a fucking brown nose. Those of you tourists as we do call you this, there are lines you just don't cross in some areas. This is edited by our in house tornado dodgers.
- 1. The seasons are as follows; Winter and Construction.
- 2. Everyone seems short and underdeveloped due to Illinois' all-work-no-play lifestyle. (Not quite that, the disabled have their own publications and able to organize via print on demand. Outreach means published in this area and not working with Bloomington, Indiana)
- 3. "Chicago" is synonymous with crime, violence, and heavy corruption. DuPage County is (central DuPage region Glendale Heights, Addison, Lombard, and that goes into Glenbard East) nicknamed Cabbieland. The western 'Burbs are just as scandal scarred as the city -- pending on the area, Glenbard East High School saw the most sex scandals than one can shake a damned stick at.
- 4. Neither Democrats nor Republicans can be trusted to fix the state.
- 5. The same roads are always ripped up a few years after they were paved.
- 6. That sickly color of salt on the roads every winter.
- 7. Man to woman at nightclub; "Would you like to dance with me?" (woman turns and walks away. Then suggest her sister, but really has an Adam's Apple. Here's the kicker, shemale was going in the ring to beat on women and it's from Schamburg.). About a minute later, Bouncer to man; "Okay, you're gonna have to leave!"
- 8. When you know The Tell-Tale Heart from Edgar Allan Poe has a creative nonfiction counterpart born in Joliet, Illinois, from a Glendale Heights, Illinois, resident. Urban Dictionary: Prison City Rules son learn them if you're going to be a publisher in this region. Keeps you from getting your ass kicked you vertical smile. The Pattern Of Diagnosis will hit ya where you live, and can illustrate what Col 2:8 looks like when coming from a student from College of DuPage. (Don't rip on College of DuPage knowing that. Ya Welcome.)
- 9. We don't call ourselves Illinoi
sians, we call ourselves Illinois Residents. Remember the "s" is silent. The term doesn't even sound right, even when you say the "s" to our face. It's a pet peeve.
- 10. We say motherfucker as one word. And you know grosser than gross jokes go too far, if you're in DuPage County.
- 11. When you go into an apartment where they have more than one room mate and the other is a couch mummy, do not disturb unless you want to contract something contagious as this region is known as bronchitis ground zero. Forget about stocking Theraflu if you're here because some had used this to produce meth, but bring plenty of Green River and keep a few DVDs around to entertain the couch mummies because they're confined to the couch under doctor's orders.
- Watch when going to a party in Justice because it might be a sub-zero snow storm and sleet so you're walking over guests sleeping on the floor while the one is between coughing fits. Transferring one -- take a 20 degree sleeping bag that's snug fit and zip them into this then carry them out to your SUV but always keep a mask on them if they're coughing (as long they're not coughing up blood.)
- 12. The Paula Deen Rule this is where you are caught saying the n-word just once and you're not ethnic based, even the Italians know not to use this word. We will tell you via the blogosphere to get lost, unless you want to stay in the Congress hotel in a way where you're stuck watching the documentary on Skokie, Illinois, while zipped in a costume where you have no arms, a monoleg with feet closed off and an open face hood overnight. Then have her watch as many documentaries as possible until she cannot stay awake then put an audio of John Belushi reading The Truth Teller. (Ladies you know what I mean with Paula Dean if you're eating at her place knowing what she said, no matter how many times she cries "I am sorry," more like she's sorry she was caught.) Her book goes for a dime on Amazon.com and be sure to get as many of these as possible but don't burn them leave them in areas where she was busted. Send her a copy of the five year plan on The Book Patch so she knows what she shouldn't say, and she damn well said them.
- 13. woman grabs The Cabbie Homicide author by his tie and slips him the tongue in The Metro Nightclub when he was 27 years old, "Where did that come from? I didn't expect that. meh only in Chicago and happened twice in my 20s." His buddy who is a pro-wrestler didn't catch that one as he would hang out at the apartment on 79th street in 2006 before The Pattern Of Diagnosis played up. If one is under quarantine in a hotel room and coughing their lungs up, keep a portable DVD over with a few friends while the one is in bed.
Cities are often 20,000 or larger but the rest are known as villages, municipalities, unincorporated areas, and the rest of Illinois. Folks if one is going to a funny page about Illinois, let's get the facts straight as some of these areas are funnier than fiction. There are things you just cannot make up as funny some are, they can be a tad creepy even for the locals.
- Alton -
- Amboy - Once believed to be the city of origin of Ted Nugent's first band, 'The Amboy Dukes,' further research has shown it to actually be a habitat of a small species of local waterfowl, 'The Amboy Ducks.'
- Argonne -
- Ashkum - Often the town ridiculed in debates of the better towns, its only residents are meth users, underachieving dropouts of high school and Pokemon celebrity Ash Ketchum. Referred to by surrounding towns as Trashkum or Asscum. The town was built too attract nobody's from the far corners of the earth, and was supposed to have been destroyed back in 01, but funds were cut and the demolition was moved to a later date. Basically if your looking to fail at life, go here, because you cant fail any faster.
- Addison The Cabbie Homicide, Edgar Allan Poe's Tell-Tale Heart as a true story where this area caught the full brunt of the piece. The your example of creepypasta was born here and the subject, the author, closing author on The Ethereal Gazette: Issue 10 and best friend attended Marquardt Middle School in 1988-1990 together. Something equally nightmarish played up in 1995, it rivaled Charles Manson's sect who pulled Sharon Tate. It was that grotesque and happened similar to a 19 year old almost 23 years later in recent news this time in the city.
- Aurora - A giant shithole. Known by some as the home of Wayne and Garth. Better known as the home of drunk Mexicans. Shares a perverse "Twin-Cities" relationship with Naperville, with Aurora being the Danny DeVito twin...if Danny DeVito was Cheech Marin on blow. Good chance you'd hear Run to the Light or The Tempter played on the speakers, the fun begins when you hear them.
- Belleville - Illinois only city to think that it is still in a Germany, and in the middle ages. its high school is called the Belleville East Lancers.
- Belvidere - Illinois' largest automotive producing center, second only to Detroit, Michigan.
DaimlerChrysler rules this village the employees there are subject to lose their jobs and intrude the residential homes. Belvidere has the most awesome Oasis on the highway. Highly recommended for their McDonald's egg McMuffins. I went there once. It was fun. You should stop there.
- Bloomington -
- Blue Island - The former home of Hollywood heavyweight Gary Sinise and musical legend Kanye West. It has been noted that there is no God in Blue Island. Blue Island is a good place to lay down on some railroad tracks. People come from afar to enjoy Blue Island's infamous eatery: Taco Bell.
- Bonnie - In the 1920's a teenage Bonnie Parker went to this unincorporated town before meeting her B.F. in Chicago then in Texas.
- Brookfield - The first town to be utterly destroyed. There seriously is next to nothing left but bombed out houses. Rumor has it that the train stop in Brookfield is haunted by undead citizens. In truth, from a resident this is where one acts like they're hanging out with Dr. Dolittle and spend the day at one of the zoos in the area. No really this is home of Brookfield Zoo. The city established in 1893 so it's a good chance Oscar Wilde may had spent time here before venturing into Boystown. In truth he could care less for the city; and some of the authors from the area pretty much reflected that. Some of the washouts from The Ethereal Gazette: Issue 10 were pissed when that roster all hissed "pfft the hell him!"
- Braidwood -- groundzero of a gender-flipped viral news story of a 50 year old teacher caught with a 14 year old kid and on $1,000,000 bail. She's about to be the most recent dead vote as in she's getting 50 years old prison for what she did. "Dayna Chidester of Manhattan, Illinois, was arrested one month after another teacher at the same school was arrested on child pornography charges." From the ABC 7 News report where the original story from a small town paper came in as hard as Joliet, Brawling Braidwood. The news story sets up for a Glendale Heights type sixth grade born joke that was a forerunner if South Park.
- Burr Ridge- The rich, elite live here... and are robbed daily by a crafty citizen who is known to kick the elitists in the face.
- Byron - Its landmark of the village is the Commonwealth Edison nuclear power plant. It will blow up in any second.
- Cahokia - Site of the Cahokia Mounds, the largest mass grave in the United States, containing 193 million bodies. It was created during the Great Native-American Holocaust by Abraham Lincoln by his first executive order after becoming president. "I promise to make huge hills out of dead bodies of Injuns if I am elected," Lincoln promised.
- Carbondale - A slave camp in Southern Illinois run by Prokaskius III. POW's from wars are sent here to work on a railroad that will one day connect La Grange Park to other towns.
- Carmi -
- Cairo - The Egyptians settled here before Abraham Lincoln did. The 2008 economy is a bit sluggish, with an average per capita income of -$246.00, which they need quick before the electricity is shut off again. (Just kidding on the Egyptians settling here, it's region is known as Little Egypt. Thought DuPage County has the sick sleeping resembling mummies the way they're done up. Have to tease the original poster as some of the cousins settled in the 618 region, Alton and Carbondale are at the very tip of the region. The area is also having a history older than Egypt though going back to 12,000 B.C. Their history is before Illinois was even noticed by France as part of The French Colonies.)
- Centralia - The shitty products used at ultra foods.
- Centreville - It isn't the center of anything.
- Champaign - The parasitic twin of Urbana. Many alcoholics live here, making this the alcohol (especially beer, vodka, and wine) capital of Illinois. Champaign was named after the bubbly alcoholic drink, but someone dropped the "e".
- Chatsworth- There's only one phone in this town. How bad do you want to use it?
- Chebanse - The unofficial midpoint between Champaign and Chicago, It's Church has the address of 187, police code for Homicide. Michael Jordan declared Chebanse as "a suitable place to raise a family."
- Cherry Valley - The only well-known community of Rockford. The biggest water park in Illinois is crowded on every summer and people defecate, urinate and ejaculate while having fun in the pool.
- Chicago - Chicago is not compared to Los Angeles or New York City but it is quite a mini-New York. Immigrants who are sick and tired of living in those two megacities can move to Chicago. Asian, Latino and European immigrants are mixed in this city. Over 80% of VIP are born in Chicago. Chicago is also know the railroad capital of the world. One of the contributor's his family settled in Chicago in 1910 from Italy, his grand-uncle settled in Peoria, Illinois. Ironic enough his uncle is named Rome. Look up "Pacione" in a phone book the North Side and you will see that's not a common name. They're all related (the grandkids of the oldest of the 13 original kids, before there was Jim Bob Duggar. The cousins worked for either the nonprofit, education or City employee as in one in the Alderman office.)
- Carol Stream the sibling of Glendale Heights both have diabolical dark histories of how they were established. One named for a living person and the other with no downtown. R. W. S. on Wattpad and the 6,100 word science fiction story Lake Fossil (the first part plays up at Glenbard North. The author's best friend attended this one.) This one being on FictionPress.com location picked because the young earth exchange played up in New Lenox, Illinois, sometime in 1990.
- Chillicothe - Sounds like a disease.
- Christopher - A well-known town boys' name town in Illinois. All males living here are named Chris. All females living here are males.
- Clifton - Chebanse took a shit and out came Clifton, its known through Clifton residents that the more superior people come from the rectum that dropped Clifton. The police of this shit hole are worthless and are really drug dealers. You can purchase meth, coke, angel dust, and other great drugs at very low prices from them. On days like Halloween, some have reported that if you stand out in the middle of corn fields the corn-cob mangler chases you from the fields. If he catches you he will most likely rape you. The Clifton pond is a graveyard for old pirate ships, pirates like black beard, and Captain Ass Sniff, were to have sailed its dangerous waters. The town store, IGA, really is short for (N)IGA. The N was taken off when blacks from a close area known as Otto started to come close to Clifton. The name was deemed unfit for the store because it offended people. The gas station is ran by Ex-cons, drug dealers and pedophiles. You can also purchase drugs from them at very low costs. On late autumn nights, if you walk out into the country of Clifton you can hear mooncrickets singing their up lifting tunes such as, jiggaboo jiggaboo I see you, oh Alabama nigger, once upon a coon, and praise white Jesus. These are classic tunes and must be heard to be grateful.
- Countryside- An unincorporated region in the La Grange Park region (La Grange is not an empire but the area you catch the train if you're going to Chicago. This area is connected to Justice, Oak Lawn and Palos Heights. The birthplace of the New International Version of The Bible.) Heavy industry from Sir Phillips' rule starved the land of resources and run down factories are all that remains. It is a notorious hang out area for Lord Metz's ultra-nationalist party.
- Crystal Lake - Named after Jean-Claude Van Damme. Crystal Lake is known for The Great BJ Brawl of 2002 or so (Gay Olympics). After this "fest" filled with circle jerks and The Culture Club Crystal Lake put together a plan to remove all gays from the city. In December if 2006 we threw all our gays away to better the school systems. This bitchy, disrespectful lake is filled with Mexican breast milk and empty Pepsi cups.
- Danville - Do people actually live there?
- Decatur -
- DeKalb - Motto: "Our college is famous now".
- Des Plaines - see Shermer.
- Dixon - The Devil lived here.
- Dolton - You know it's just like Compton, fool!
- East Cape Girardeau -
- East Dubuque - Locals call it East Des Moines. Its true name is East St. Louis.
- East St. Louis - The crime ridden suburb in the St. Louis area compared to Harvey, Chicago's south side. This is not a safe place to view the St. Louis skyline. Also nicknamed the Track & Field Capital of Illinois, Jackie-Joyner Kersee grew up there.
- Effingham - Also known as Fuckingham, but the religious leaders had forced the mayor change its name. Only Fucking, Austria remains uncensored. Also the town's high school mascot is the flaming fags.
- Elizabeth - Named after a first limey, Queen Elizabeth, the American version of the Japanese style observation tower is only landmark in America.
- Evanston - When coming home, residents park their cars in gatehouses and ride private subways up to their homes. The richest man of all Mr. T lives here.
- Freeport - Largest slave market in pre-civil war times.
- Galena - President Ulysses S. Grant has a home here. He lives (haunts) in it occasionally. It's a big f*cking deal so hurry up and be the 100,000,000,000,000,000th tourist to visit this magnificent town. Rumors state that there are mice in the prehistoric clock tower, and that they are planning to take over the city.
- Galesburg - Abraham Lincoln once stopped here to take a leak. Unfortunately, a strong wind blew the urine back onto himself, as the town is known as the "Windy City: Galesburg."\
- Glen Ellyn - Home to College of DuPage (the birthplace of The Cabbie Homicide's Philosophical origins. They have their own police force.) This is where citizens get molded into zombies thinking that Lord Metz is God, hence, why Prokaskius III has it on his to do list for things to be removed. However, the 4th EC traveled there and never returned. Tales of the Talesman 2.1 speaks of the Gothic short story that comes from the area.
- This area is known as Closest University to Lombard Area. Wandering In Darkness gave this village it's Gothic Horror sheen, Lombard, Bloomingdale, and this area been around since the 19th Century. The oldest villages in DuPage County. The Infirmary area of College of DuPage you might find someone drained from giving blood next door at LifeSource or coming down with exhaustion, if you see them with a blanket wrapped around them from each side and completely done up like this -- keep some Monster energy nearby.
- Glendale Heights -- if you're a racist do not even step foot here. Want to know how dark this place is, just read the first paragraph of The Cabbie Homicide. New Years Eve 1992-1993, a woman who was just in her twenties turned up missing but murdered by her own husband. Addison, Glendale Heights, and Carol Stream became a Gothic Horror playground Stephen King wouldn't have the balls to play with. H. P. Lovecraft's nightmare. This region is named for The Cabbie Homicide's guardian, and it's known by his last name. Glen Ellyn is where they worked as a baker and gone to Carol Stream to drink coffee. Got a good grosser than gross joke, that's where they originated. RationalWiki even had a few laughs with the locals who is editing this section because he faced off with young earth creationists, The Friendly Atheist has ties to Naperville. "If someone has to face off with both 'Dr.' Hovind and his son, this is our problem they caused this. I was dragged into this brawl and now I am going to finish it." The Corman Retort was born here, "For argument's sake humans and dinosaurs did co-exist. It will not be The Flintstones but more like the film Carnosaur. As in Adam and Eve would be hair, bone, and shit." Lake Fossil is a cult PG rated science fiction work that got noticed by a Ph. D in Philosophy of Evolutionary Biology from South Africa.
- The Ethereal Gazette: Issue Five roster reflected the success story of Martin Luther King, Jr. They thrive on the judgment of one's character and not one's skin. So the question would be what would Edgar Allan Poe make of this area if he was zapped into a time rift and end up in 1992-1993. New Years Eve 1992-1993 to be exact, The Tell-Tale Heart the horror classic seen an updated play up where it is slightly longer and has a harder attitude. The questions, "What's grosser than gross?" and "Would you like to see a bird fly up close?" All the grosser than gross jokes play up on Yahoo News, and the news story in Braidwood, Illinois, was a setup for those jokes. Carol Stream and Glendale Heights are often mentioned together in the same paragraph as one still has family and friends who live in the area. The village of Carol Stream was named for Jackie Stream, and her father was an Army Veteran.
- The name was changed to Carol Stream her father is named Jay W. Stream. In the 1990s they shared Glendale Heights' post office. Parts of Glendale Heights have a Glen Ellyn zip code as the kids go to the same middle school but forked off to Glenbard East, Glenbard North and Glenbard West pending on the part of the village they were in. Assuming one had no friends but in reality they went to different schools. That's part of the reason Glenbard North and East were not at each others throat because the middle school classmates played the peacekeeper. This has a high concentration from those who immigrated from South Asia and Philippines. Fun blast Cherub Rock by Smashing Pumpkins while reading Lake Fossil -- they both have ties to Marquardt Middle.
- Granville - Don't Fucking come here. You'll never forgive yourself.
- Hanover Park the Cook County side of the village has then nicer areas but the part where one sees gangbangers is where the one contributors uncle lived for years before moving to Streamwood, Illinois. This area used to have a cheap movie theater but sadly they closed it up, one of the movies they played was Spaceballs and Annie (both seen when one had a nasty earache and having been chewing Children's Tylenol.)
- The infamous Troop 421 attributes to the Bozo the Clown urban legend, "Cram It Clownie" where it was easy one of the members of that troop where it was really lead by Lord of the Flies. One of the contributors has ties to Hanover Park going back to the early 1980s. This area lays claim to an inspirational author from the region as he's on The Book Patch. Luke Perry did a haunting film where the true story of the events raised questions and saw discussions on the bank-robbers from Roselle, Illinois, as they owned bookstore.
- Highland - Dieser schöne stadt ist kein, "Highland Park". Der Stadt heißte Helvetia, aber die Menschen von Highland glaubten nach WWI, dass Highland war ein besser Namn. Die menschen von Highland kam vom Schweiz. Sie trinken, "Pet Milk" und Bier. Und sie essen Mais. Willkommen im Highland!
- Hillsboro - There is not one fucking hill in the town.
- Jerseyville - If living or even just employed in this town, you must follow town ordinance to wear a Chicago Bulls Jersey at all times.
- Joliet - Chicagoland's prison city, it is home of the Stateville Correction Center and prison (aka Fox River). The Cabbie Homicide is the creative nonfiction Tell-Tale Heart and was written in this city's own suburbs. One of the four large cities outside of Chicago. Naperville, Aurora and Elgin are the other four.
- This city famously told Paula Deen to get out and chronicled by WGN. She needs to keep in mind they had the balls to chant "no tears for the clown" to John Wayne Gacy as Porras from The Cabbie Homicide was eventually placed in the same prison. His sister recalls, “You could hear a lot of the chanting of people who had already gathered. It was really one of the worst days in the world for me.” Porras got similar taunts from the author of The Cabbie Homicide, as he was trying find out why the hell would he want to kill a man for $51.
- Gacy's very real words show up as a quote taken from multiple sources. This was another, "Not surprisingly, Gacy thrived in prison. He was said to have been a model prisoner. He became the head cook and eventually joined the prison’s Jaycees chapter. He undertook projects to enhance the lives of prisoners, going as far as to get a pay increase for the inmates. After serving 18 months of his 10-year sentence, Gacy was released on parole." The grand-uncle of The Cabbie Homicide's author knew better than what they said of him, he had to live blocks away from the monster in Norridge. That part was quoted from, Daniel Lukacs.
- Kirkland - You must be lost, because the population is one jugular and a bunch of geese
- Kankakee - Also known as Skankakee. Many skanks live in this area. Considered the skank and slut capital of Illinois. Sadly this the birthplace of Eric Hovind and we have to put up with him, second of our Jailbird Governors were from here.
- La Salle - Not a bank.
- Lake Forest - Have you ever seen "Deliverance"?
- La Grange - A satellite town of La Grange Park. This town is currently being fought over by Lord Metz and Prokaskius III for establishing the tactical advantage into the Western Springs District. The railroad system was recent bombed by Lord Metz, slowing down Prokaskius III's supple lines. Death count on both sides is 508,758 and climbing.
- La Grange Park, Illinois- Very Unstable Village. Many Wars and lots of death. Basically a City-State. Current leader: Prokaskius III
- Lake Zurich, Illinois -
- Lombard -- why the hell aren't they mentioned. Hogwart's School of Investigive and Tabloid Journalism where our very own was Class of 1994. Revealed two sex offenders and a scandal from his middle school classmates, another said this saw a bigger scandal that was not related or spoken of....until now. Richard Kruse was the first teacher sex scandal to break out in the Spring of 1993, and the original events of The Cabbie Homicide was reported on for a good part of a year into the fall of 1994. The case was a true cat and mouse when his classmate was found out to be in the same homeroom as himself in Seventh Grade. An Eye In Shadows speaks of the history of crime within the 1990s and lampshades the Athletic Director couldn't keep it in his pants offering to a female student. The Jerky Boys were teenagers well some of us were not mimicking them but we also did prank calls. My best friend crank called Denny's on three way calling. Wandering in Darkness plays up it's infamous nickname that was given when the insult backfire played up.
- Loves Park - Don't go here, there is no love, only pain, only pain.
- Maple Park - George Bush Jr. once came threw here on a charity run and was stuck in the park for weeks.
- Marion - The home of the federal supermax prison, where dangerous criminals are locked up and subject to anal rape by the ghost of John Gotti, a former inmate. See also Joliet, for the Stateville Correction Center.
- Mattoon - Due to an increase in the rail road business, its pop. has increased from 200 to 300.
- Maywood along with Bellwood, Illinois are the African Majority villages in Illinois. Downtown Joliet is Afro-centric with the mural on the way of Union Station. The nearest Amtrak is the city itself; Oak Park is Pace Bus ride from here, the second page of The Pattern Of Diagnosis plays up here. Paula Deen would been persona non grata in this area alone, Joel Osteen's posters are drawn on via the bus stop on St. Charles. Maywood and Oak Park is home of the film maker who produced and filmed a feature length entirely himself. Southfied, Michigan, picture a African-Majority Schamburg with three sky scrapers. Like Wheaton and Joliet, Illinois, the ties to the underground railroad are there.
- Meredosia - Back in 3800 B.C. mastodons roamed free and grazed upon Meredosia's land.
- Metropolis - Is this the place where Superman lives? Maybe in the Smallville series version. But there are no movie theaters nor skyscrapers in town. Batman is often seen parading about here pretending to be Superman. Nah, it's small town along the Ohio River. They have a statue of Superman there but the real city that place was modeled after was the locals who were from Ohio, Superman's real birthplace. Plano, Illinois, was the stand in village for Smallville within the new decade treatment of the iconic Blue Boy Scout. Batman was found in Chicago driving on rooftops. The area been around before The Revolutionary War as it was there in 1757 as on of The French Colonies. The region is a state park, and has it's place in history. Though a lot of us from Chicago sometimes don't even look at our southern most part of the state; the area known as Downstate.
- Minooka- The land of shadow, where demons stalk the living and the dead teach high school. No Circle K, just a big ass useless Pilot Travel Center that fucks up traffic.
- Moline - You will lose parts of your car in this town. I shit you not.
- Monmouth - People here are born with extra large mouths due to a chemical spill in the 50's.
- Morris - Call them a Joliet Suburb, that pisses them off more than anything because they have a hometown feel. Norman Rockwell's use more or less as it's something from one of his paintings, but they had no idea The Cabbie Homicide's guilty party was here for years, but called Joliet his public adoptive hometown. This area recently had a new story of a woman requesting a salad and going to be doing time in the pokey for misusing 9-11. Sorry but you have to wonder how many emerge from here, "Investigators say Sanders called 911 a number of times over several days requesting non emergency items and was warned that she could be arrested for misuse of 911." One of the comments, "She's the town drunk. This isn't the first time she's been in trouble for something stupid."
- Morton - Home of the Morton Salt factory. Here, when it rains, it pours (salt).
- Mound City - Ground zero for awesome tits. Formerly known as Sweatermeat Village.
- Mount Carroll - There isn't a mountain to climb here.
- Mount Vernon - Academy Award winner Jack Black lived here for a month or two. Abandoning it was his smartest move.
- Naperville - Formerly a small, quaint town of perhaps 25,000 situated along the DuPage river, rumor of it's smallness, quaintness and nice-place-to-live-in-ness has now swelled the population to approximately 150,000 with very little adjustment to local infrastructure, resulting in obligatory triple and sometimes quadruple parking, flagrant jaywalking and an general atmosphere of 'what's-so-hot-about-this-zoo-ness'... Parts go into Will County.
- New Salem -
- Niles - Home of the Leaning Tower of Pisa replica and the infamous Golf Mill Mall.
- Normal - The strangest town in Illinois.
- Oak Forest -- known for the hospital in middle of a Forest and one may never know where Bambi lives in 2006. Might see some when trying to grab a pizza before missing your last bus. Oak Forest might be the nonfiction version of Smith's Grove. In reality this is also known as DuPont, Illinois, in 1901, the hospital in 1901 was often a place that sent people before they died. The events of The Pattern Of Diagnosis before the played up; the author had a pinched nerve at the back of his neck and was knocked out from a shot. Played up something frightening has flash backs from an accident in Glen Ellyn played up.
- Oak Lawn -- The Pattern of Diagnosis plays up within the confines of the Palos Heights, Hickory Hills, Justice (the village which is known for the ghost story that's immortalized in the pages of the second namesake anthology and Withersin 1.1.) What other areas can you hear banter about mummies and give platelets where city cops are hanging out where all the psychologically dark tales reside -- the brooding short story was done by the same one who wrote Cabbie.
- Oak Park - Birthplace of Ernest Hemingway and herpes. Ironically, the entire town has never gotten laid.
* Ottawa - A little slice of Canada trapped in Illinois' body (not really, it's historic landmark in LaSalle County. The uncle used to own a bait shop along the lake.) Known far and wide for heroin-use, where chronicled history of Illinois became realized in the 19th Century (his wife had a darker history after his death. That plays up in Bativia. There's an Edgar Allan Poe connection to Lincoln) approximately (well they're across downtown and not tactless) murals and a McDonald's that serves Happy Meals containing marijuana and related products.
- Paris - not the metropolis in France, but the highest population of White People within Illinois. The one part of the state where they'd give the rest of the state the finger and celebrate that
White history Month. Don't believe us just do a Google for the cities that are the Whitest this is the equal to all of Iowa. The one part of the state that doesn't see the day of March where school closes, named for Casimir Polaski. The largest populations of the Polish are within Chicago, about the size of the Italian population.
- Pecatonica - Transliterated as "Sweet Freckles."
- Pekin - The meth capital of the United States. Well to be more accurate it's a racist hub of Illinois, the black sheep of the state where everyone up north calls African-Americans their neighbors. Where the church from the blog entry King James Only Examined noticed fourteen pick-a-parts where the first critical blow shows up on a bing search out of 23,000,000 results. The top result too and turn up your speakers. The one area of Illinois, that The Ethereal Gazette: Issue Five will be screaming "BOOOOO!" The preacher from that blog entry died in recent years and his bastard son made an exhibit out of him on youtube.com.
The younger village of Glendale Heights, Illinois, is darker in history but most ethnic diverse population in Illinois -- it's where many who are known as American Born Confused Desi came in as some still have ties to their heritage. Ground zero for the 1980s wave of Airline Immigrants. One of those buddies relocated to Dallas, Texas. Where did the preacher's daughter touted her education? Pensacola. The degree in education there is useless when dealing with the roster's author quoted on White People.
“Pekin and the surrounding area were chosen as the location of this study for a variety of reasons. The first was due to its widely known reputation for being one of the most racist cities in Central Illinois. Second, at the current time there is little documented academic knowledge of the intense racial relations that have transpired in this specific area over the past 50 years. This relatively undocumented knowledge is crucial in planning and aiding in the positive progression of race relations in the future.”
- Glendale Heights alone on one block you'd have an African-American family, a family from Syria, and Nam on the same block as each other. Dressing up as KKK in Glendale Heights, you're begging to get your ass kicked like a vertical smile. Glendale Heights -- Pekin's nightmare, and were critically examined in King James Only Examined as the son is months older than the one who played up his second hometown for nightmare fuel. In short Pekin is governed by flat out willful ignorance, Creation Wiki might be managed by those in Pekin, Illinois. A message to Pekin, keep your fucking slurs at the door it's bad enough you're the parasite of Downstate as you had your mascot as a slur to China. The son is a few months older than Rome's grand-nephew, and he even knows not to buy a Ford Pinto.
- Peru - We haven't found any Peruvians here yet.
- Peoria - A corn field populated by smart-ass magpies.<<<<<<<<< spent the first nine months of his life dogging a coat hanger.
- Pontiac - Inspired by the automobile, the town was founded by Buddhists in 1981.
- Poplar Grove - A town void of any groves of poplars.
- Quincy - Known as the gayest town in Illinois, Quincy is home to a very talented pool of athletes who dominate their respective sports of arcade basketball and mini-golf. Also the residents of Quincy are set to invade the smaller assholes of little boys.
- Rock Island - A large hobo camp with a population of approximately 5,500 persons living in ramshackle tents, shacks, and shanties. The most common cause of death for locals is falling asleep on the railroad tracks, with tuberculosis as a close second. Contrary to popular opinion, Rock Islanders ARE stabbing hobos and not just the singing kind. Be careful.
- Rockford - Hooker capital of Illinois and home of James Garner. Also filled with Emos and scene kids. Also the birthplace of the 80's porn star Ginger Lynn and the Rock Band Cheap Trick.
- Roselle -- don't mess with the public works kids. They become journalists, and uncover things you don't even want to admit are born there. Where they have their own Bonnie and Clyde, the film Normal Life was based upon them. Bonnie 'n Clyde: 60172 speaks of what happened the film based on the events of the bank robbing couple is a discussion in itself. One of our contributors, this is his boyhood home.
- Sandwich - FUCK YOU!
- Scales Mound - There's a mini-mountain in Illinois that you could see Galena, the Mississippi river, Iowa, Wisconsin, and the Sears Tower when you climb on the top. (Gee. Fascinating.)
- Shawneetown - nigger
- Shermer - Where all the honeys are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies - except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh. Mayor of Shermer: Some fuck named John Hughes. The real name of this village is around Des Plaines, Illinois. An Eye In Shadows revealed the very real cities John Hughes played with as he's out of Michigan. Noted for bringing Coal City, Illinois, on the radar with John Candy.
- Northbrook and Des Plaines, Illinois, made up the Fictional counterpart of Shermer. These areas were true to life with the monochrome casting but Family Matters saw something that reflected Central DuPage County with the middle class African-American family. Maine South High School in 2015 revealed the original script for The Breakfast Club. We're trying to make this part safer for teens because the don't know some of the truth about the area, the ties to the region are much darker.
- Skokie - The Skokie Controversy. Do we need to go further into that, chase out a pedophile Nazi for terrorizing Holocaust Survivors. John Belushi was nuts enough to throw this into The Blues Brothers. Good chance he read about Frank while at College of DuPage. Make a joke about it a penguin might smack you with a ruler.
- Sleepy Hollow - The scariest place in Illinois. Also has a hidden location of buried treasure. Those who find it will be rich beyond their wildest dreams.
- South Beloit - So close to Wisconsin you can smell it. Motto: Top of the State.
- Stockton -
- Springfield - This is the place where The Simpsons live, if you can call life in Springfield "living". Gail Simpson is Alderman of Ward 2. The governor of Illinois can eat my shorts! No really, in truth this is the capital of the state. Picture Joliet being the central city where it's a micropolitian, the Glenbard East P.E. teacher, Kruse, fled to here and was spotted on Facebook.com.
- Sterling - Fancy silver.
- Sycamore - There hasn't been any sycamores here for 1,000 years. There also isn't enough friendliness here to fill a Ford Taurus.
- Timberlane - A small band is formed here 2030 named after it. When Justin Timberlake is 50 years old, a future band Timberlane will join him.
- Urbana - The parasitic twin of Champaign. Many alcoholics live here, making this the alcohol (especially beer, vodka, and wine) capital of Illinois.
- Utica - A one mile stretch of town included six bars and a completely unnecessary gazebo. Seriously, is this even a town?
- Vandalia - On august 10 you can come and vandalize the town without a class one felony being charged on you.
- Watseka - Be wary of this town, you might just get AIDS passing by.
- Waukegan - An Algonquin word, meaning, "The Good Land," aka, "Milwaukee To the South (w/o Beer)". Murder capital (per capita) of Illinois, surpassed in the Mid-West US only by Gary, Indiana, and Detroit, Michigan. (But said to be making a comeback. Go, little trash town, go!)
- Western Springs - One of the only towns in the La Grange Park region that isn't complete urban decay. The citizens here are trained to evade bombing raiding from stray bullets and shells. The water tower in Wester Springs acts as a watch post, but Prokaskius III and Lord Metz both have reason to believe that the citizens are stocking up on weapons to rebel once the town is taken.
- Wheaton - A mini Bible belt.
- Willow Springs - A once peaceful town turned barren wasteland after Sir Phillips used a tactical nuke to lower population levels. It's now mostly forests and dead stuff. The Sanitary and Shipping Canal runs through it and gets raided by Lord Metz for supplies.
- Woodstock - Originally named Punxsutawney. Noted for horrendous traffic jams at the narrow railroad overpass bottleneck on Route 47.
- Zion -- Ghosts in the Tornado used the city as the standin for a Joliet area Suburb that had a tornado hit in 1990; the short story was published in England. The city of 20,000 is coined a Utopia and Kevin Cosner did a nonfictional Field of Dreams here. The model from the U.K. based magazine known as Tragic Wrath read the story that is known as The Pattern Of Diagnosis as the story plays up in Oak Lawn, Illinois, Maywood, Oak Park, and Stroger Hospital.
Famous Illinois Residents
- Dan Aykroyd -- from Canada but does a lot of business here.
- John Ashcroft - worked for an asher
- James Belushi - smart ass from Wheaton, Illinois (Both from College of DuPage, don't mock the college now.)
- John Belushi -- the older brother of the smart ass pair.
- Kelci Bryant - World's hottest diver
- Robert Bloch -- has ties to Maywood, Illinois
- Ray Bradbury -- Lake County Region, Ghosts in the Tornado is set in Zion, Illinois.
- Charles Beaumont -- The Crooked Man ties to Chicago.
- John Candy -- a good number of his films either he plays a Chicago resident or have Chicago ties. Like Dan Ackroyd grew up Canada.
- Hillary Clinton (Note: Hillary Clinton is a fucking New Yorker.)
- Bart Conner - The greatest male gymnast in the world
- Joan Cusack - sister of John Cusack
- John Cusack - brother of (up)
- Wes Craven -- went to college in Wheaton, Freddy was born in Roselle, Illinois (urban legend.) New Nightmare was his thesis.
- Shani Davis - Considered the Michael Jordan of speed skating, he a frenemy of Apolo Anton Ohno
- Walt Disney - Damn! He is also from Chicago.
- Calista Flockhart
- Harrison Ford
- Daryl Hannah
- Jennifer Hudson
- Ginger Lynn - 1980's porn star
- Prokaskius III - Currently leader of La Grange Park
- Lord Metz - Revolutionary
- Christina Loukas
- Michelle Obama - A well known Chicago woman in the world
- Jenny McCarthy - Playboy Playmate
- Candace Parker - The female basketball player considered the female version of Michael Jordan.
- Jack "The Hammer" Pizzo
- Harold Ramos claimed Oak Park as his home. Ghostbusters they pay New York up like Joliet.
- Katherine Reutter - Famous female speed-skater, considered the Danica Patrick of speed skating.
- Pat Sajak - Used to work at the Chicago butchering plant.
- Adlai E. Stevenson - a failed US Presidential dream.
- Robin Williams -- give the man an honorary street already. He's got more ties here and grew up in the area. Author of Sad Little Things took a swipe at a local and turned into a full blown scandal. The wake of Robin Williams the controversy became monstrous.
- Raquel Welch - She was the Jessica Alba of her day.
Infamous Illinois Residents
- Sherod Degrippo sadly she came from Chicago.
- Jeffery Erickson read the fact file on Luke Perry's acting career and the R-rated role.
- Jim Verraros - Illinois' fallen gay celebrity from American Idol
- That annoying woo woo guy who hangs out in front of Wrigley Field smelling strongly of urine
- Mandy The Scandal Princess if you have the urge to do an anthology featuring her. She's in public domain.
|Article written in the style of its subject|
This article is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are the type who needed this explained to you. If you still do not find the article funny, that is surely because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. The authors sincerely hope that you will pick up your game and laugh without prompting in the future.