Monmouth
| Monmouth | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Motto: Vox Non Comprehendo (batteries not included) | |
| Civic anthem: Barbie Girl | |
| State | Nowhere (middle of) |
| Official nickname | Little Newport |
| Official language(s) | Chav, Baaah!, UG! and Esperanto |
| Mayor | Madison William III (AKA "Mad Will") PhD ASBO |
| Established | Never |
| Currency | Wooden Shillings |
“I have NOTHING to do with it. NOTHING I tell you.”
Monmouth is a small and insignificant town in Wales on the mouth of the river Dave. It has has a population of 10 people, 2 sheep and a dog called Rolf. It has often been called a "one horse town", the horse's name is flip-flop and he loves carrots. In Monmouth there has been a historical debate over where it is English or Welsh... The reality is that neither country wants it... England fears that the Anglo-Welsh border may change at any time and that Monmouth will become part of their country, the Welsh would find it fucking hilarious if this were to happen. The town is famous for it's um... Yea, um... Well, there must be something right? Well, let me see... Well...
In the 2004 book "Crap Towns II: The Nation Decides", Monmouth was disqualified from the final publication since citizens refused to let photographers enter the town since they believe that cameras "trap your soul". The result originally predicted was a landslide victory for Monmouth, placing just above Luton as the UK's crappest town.
Hereford would have also one, but it considers itself to be a city even though its blatantly not. All of its inhabitants are also freaks and not considered to be human, and so therefore it could not win the crappiest town award. Monmouth is situated just above sea level and is therefore a popular tourist destination for the oxygen deprived inbred residents of Trellech at the top of the hill who consider Monmouth the Welsh Riviera due to its glamour and nightlife.
Culture
There are many cultural aspects to Monmouth. There is fine dining such as the famous "King Kebab" which is widely known around south Wales for its cheese and chips and food poisoning. Lord Nelson also passed through Monmouth once... And then left immediately... The people of Monmouth were so delighted that they have even created a museum dedicated to him.
The "Monmouth Festival" is the cultural highpoint of the year in Monmouth. It brings people from all over Wales... Further away from Monmouth. The artists that have performed there include:
- Three Sheep and a Piano
- The Monmouth Farting Choir
- Mad Will and Chums
- Ricky Martin
- Did I mention the Monmouth Farting Choir??
This year, there was a record attendance of 3 people.
One cultural activity which citizens of Monmouth particularly enjoy is fornicating with sheep. This has however produced some very unusual offspring (i.e. The Bishops)... Which probably explains the current state of the town.
In Monmouth, there are 4000 pubs and 500 opticians. Why such deficient eyesight? Why such a lust for beer?. There can only be one reason; it's a town of dunk wankers.
History
Monmouth was founded in 1304 by Mad Will when he was pilled up and decided that it would be funny to start a town:
- "Fukkkin yeeeeaaah. All thooooose fuckin pigs were fuckin fucked and I fuckin started this town with my own three hands... I fuckin love goats I do.. braaaap!!"
An esteemed public speaker, obviously.
Although Monmouth had tough times to start with, it quickly developed into a flourishing town and even received electricity in 1987. One of the first things that Mad Will did was start a school, since he was so concerned about education. Monmouth School was founded in the stone age by Mad Will, who was then a teacher of English, which is why the citizens of Monmouth are so well spoken. In 1805, Mad Will married Luke 'spooky' Short and became the first gay couple in South Wales. The rest of Monmouth remains the same.
During WW2, three bombs landed on Monmouth... Many wish that they had been more.
Henry V was born in Monmouth, although he thoroughly denied it:
- "MonWhat? Never heard of it. Look over there! Is that a pigeon?!?! (runs off)"
They say that it was in Monmouth where he developed his madness and desire to charge into breaches and kill French people. Most do when they live there for that long.
In more recent years, Monmouth has been seiged by the Chav army of Newport. This army darkness has surrounded the town and built temporary (although it has now become permanent) accommodation in the form of council houses around the Town borders. The Chav army loots the town on a regular basis, raping women and sheep (most find it hard to tell the difference) on their way. As a result, Monmouth has become even crapper than it was and its supplies of Stella Artois have been exhausted.
There have been 7 ships named HMS Monmouth (one sunk. much like Wonastow Road when it rains a little) which have all travelled the world with the task of telling people not to be stupid enough to visit Monmouth.
The name 'Monmouth' is derived from the Latin 'Monnox', meaning shithole.
Law and Order
The thing about law and order in Monmouth is that there isn't any. Criminals that are punished are either put in the village stocks, hung, burned alive or clown raped. The latter punishment is considered to be a bit of a "slap on the wrist" and enjoyed by some, if not most locals. Citizens become paranoid on occasion and go on mass killing sprees, as happened in the Great Monmouth Witch Hunt of 2003. (unfortunatley 'ole ma Bimbling Short escaped.)
The Monmouthshire Police Force
The Monmouth police force consists of one Citroen Saxo and Rolf the dog. In 2007, Rolf was discharged from the Monmouth police force for smuggling Crack. The Citroen Saxo is currently up on bricks since the chavs have stolen the alloys.
The Monmouthshire Council
The Monmouthshire council is a group of incompetent fools who believed that putting garlic on the sides of roads would "reduce congestion". The council also planned to remove people from Monmouth all together since it would "preserve the town's history and culture". Citizens do in fact agree that leaving the town is a good idea but did not agree that Monmouth actually has any history or culture.
The rate at which work is carried out in the council is extremely slow... Well it may take a while before sheep develop apposible thumbs. For the moment, the sheep mainly deal with planning requests to which the sheep respond with "baaaah", which is in 99.99999% of cases interpreted as a "no". On top of this, they are not just slow sheep, no they are Conservative sheep.
Most people who work for the council are part of the KKK and the KFC. They spend their nights being racist, wearing white gowns and burning crosses (they also have a raffle and a quiz)... And then eat vast amounts of fried chicken.
Education?
There are three schools in Monmouth with a total of two human students in the town, but many thousand crossbreed students with six fingers. The comprehensive school is a drug den with no books left since they have all been used as Rizla or roach. The principle of education is still unknown in the comprehensive, but it is expected to be discovered by 2028, although possibly as late as 3012 - about the same period of time that the current GCSE students will have learned how to count to ten. Monmouth School will be replaced in 2029 by the world's biggest crack den as part of the town council's redevelopment program. The Girl's School is a school dedicated to the training of Prostitutes for the South Wales sheep community. Its boarding houses were used as Brothels, however had to be closed down due to a spreading gonorrhoea infection. The Girl's School is also recognised as the reason electric toothbrushes are banned in girls schools across the country. The rest of the town doesn't have an education, in fact most Monmothians can't reach the letter "C" in the alphabet without breaking down and crying due to their own incompetence, although they can communicate with the local sheep very well, especially after 9 o'clock at night.
Economy
The economy of Monmouth is not only complex, it is almost non-existent. The main source of income comes from other towns that pay citizens of Monmouth not to bother them or infect them with the numerous diseases that they carry. Another historical source of income has been tolls on entering Monmouth, however this has only made the town a total of 53 pence in the last 57 years.
Money circulates rather rapidly in the town due to the large amount of theft. One can expect to hold any sum of money, no matter how small, for an average of 67 seconds before it is stolen or "confiscated" by one of the fine members of the Monmouthshire Constabulary. This money is of course re-stolen before it can be spent, so businesses find it hard to survive in the Town, then again, most business consist of selling alcohol or renting out sheep for sexual services so it's not a huge loss.
Nightlife
Usually the unlucky citizens of Monmouth do not dare leave their houses after their chickens are in their hutches and the light from the sky has gone (its not the sun, the sun doesn't ever shine on Monmouth).
Should they be a risk-taker, they may leave their farmhouses and use SAS style tactics (and items to create diversions such as sheep, goats and large black dildos) to avoid the Chav's reign in the streets. This can be an extremely difficult task, having to meander through the streets avoiding the scouting parties of boyracers and the ever threatening Bishy on his pushbike.
The only establishment where Monmouth citizens can really relax after a hard day at "work" (thieving gennies from farms and stealing lead off roofs) is The Queen's Head (known to locals as the Queens) which is great for people of all ages. No really. No Joke. Of all ages. They have an ID = NO SERVICE policy where a drinker must provide proof that they don't posses any ID in order to get served.
The night is traditionally finished by party goers with a trip to Kinky where one can enjoy a lovely kebab, burger, chicken and chips. They are 100% customer focused, and ensure that their customers only receive the finest serving of food poisoning with every meal and organic hand reared spunk in their garlic mayonnaise. King Kebab is run by a species of remotely humanoid creatures that spend their days abusing customers and kidnapping young girls. King Kebab was recently awarded a 1-star food hygiene rating, an impressive feat for the business as hygiene is a concept only introduced to Monmouth a few years ago, when running water was installed for the first time.