Luton
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“I hit my first volley in Luton; at a policeman”
Luton is a large hole in Bedfordshire, created in 1950 when a large refuse truck overturned, leaving a load in the town and giving Luton the look of the worlds largest public toilet.
Even if you have never visited Luton, it has still touched your life as the place that every other town in the UK can look down on. Today it is inspiring thousands of Luton students and leads the way in new and emerging technology. There is no known language in Luton, as its inhabitants have yet to learn how to speak (it is believed that they have not yet discovered fire). What is so unusual about the Lutonian language is that they as a people are limited to only a few simple phrases. These include 'innit', 'is you starting on me?' and 'fuck off'. These few phrases cause great misery within Luton and amongst the Lutonians which is why it is known as the 'hole', 'dump', and 'shithole' of Great Britain. While the lucky few are perfectly able to speak proper English, a large majority is not this lucky. To sum up an introduction to Luton, if you can walk from the "Mall" to the "Galaxy" centre without being stabbed, you are an extraordinary individual.
Lutonian inventions and manufacturing[edit]
Traditionally Lutonians were the only people allowed to make hats, as because they were already insane the mercury used in the hat making industry had no effect on them. Later, as people stopped wearing hats, the government forced companies to allow Lutonians to build cars and vans in large soulless factories. The desendants of the mad Hatters can still be seen in Luton today – in fact they are as mad as ever and still follow the founder of car manufacturing in the town the infamous Faulks de breaute, who after moving his car plant from Falkes hall(Vauxhall) in London back in 1214 moved the car plant to Luton. At the time the people of Luton wouldn't give up their wench pulled carts and in revenge for not buying his cars Faulks flooded the town around his castle in what is now and indusrial waste land called power court. Never one to give up Faulks eventually started making cars in Luton in 1905, his flag emblem the griffin can still be seen on the Vauxhall cars today 50 years after the death of Faulks who died choking on a McCain fry after the siege of Bedford Bedsit.
Many cars in Luton have wheels in the shape of squares and triangles as anthropologists believe that they have not discovered the shape that is known as 'the circle'. As the people of Luton have no power, they still use horses as the pivot of their industrial lives, or, in a pinch, the local womenfolk who are often indistinguishable from horses in appearance and demeanour.
Sadly, Lutonians have not yet discovered elastic, as poor hoodies wander the streets in search of bus stops to demolish and people to rob, with their trousers down to their ankles. This causes them to move in a very peculiar waddle known as 'The Lutonian Penguin'. There is also a walk known as the "Faringdon Shuffle", named after the way people walk in the local mental institution The Faringdon wing, where they are pumped full of Largactil and other powerful chemical straight jackets before being realised back in the town to shuffle around the streets surviving any way they can, usually selling matches, and tin foil to the local junkies.
What to see and do[edit]
Luton and the surrounding area provides an inspirational base to discover the East of England.
Visit the city's famous University and College, the bee hive in the museum, parks (with fountain spraying goose shit at everyone) and open spaces round the back of council estates. Take time out to explore the many historic houses, animal collections, shopping centres, gardens & country parks the area has to offer. Many of the city's greatest pleasures belong to the evening hours. After dark the landscape transforms from that of punts, shops and sunny views to one of candlelit restaurants, traditional pubs and sophisticated clubs and bars.
And if you're in the mood for a night out and are willing to spend a bit you can buy yourself a pint of Heineken in Brookes before moving onto Kink where you can buy drugs from a stranger in the toilet and then go outside and drink Smirnoff in the street.
And if you're really in a good mood, go and tell some Lewsey lads how ugly they are. It's a running joke, they'll laugh until they cry. honest.
Following the recent upgrade of George Square, where all trees and character were removed from the area, a massive floodlight has been erected and shiny blue lights installed. Local debate is still trying to decide what the fucking point was or if it's even finished yet? But we must thank our considerate Council members for including the public shower system right under the high spot light. This is handy for all our drunken residents who tend to live outside of houses, spacious I suppose. But the sprinkler system allows them to have their annual showers and wash the shit/vomit/insects and other generally nasty dirt from their bodies for the amusement of the visiting middle-classes.
Meet and interact with the locals and european friends alike. Behind our local Weatherspoon's office you will find the daily congregation of homeless, drunken and stoned middle aged men. the conversation can be a bit confused but the common greeting is 'eh, fucker..' approach confidently and have a cigarette ready.. throw it and it will distract them for several minutes. The scenery of fresh flowers, empty White Lightening bottles, used needles and pine trees is a must(not) see.
To summarise Luton, it is a big shithole that is a wasteland for some bin men. Waste corporations travel to Luton to excrete their spare waste to make Luton more Lutonish. If you think I'm joking? Any Luton person will tell you it's a crawling bin bag. You will never see the floor of "The Purley" and neither will you find a well-grammared Lewsey Farmer.
Education in Luton[edit]
The University of Bedforshire was originally named "The University of Luton". However, the name change took place (in 2006), as students (and the world population for that matter) thought Luton was "a bit shit" and "you wouldn't really want to put that on your degree certificate". Other proposed names included "University of Easyjet", "University of Stelios", "Dumbass University", and "EasyUniversity".
Many of the University's customs and unusual terminology can be traced to roots in the early years of the University's long history, having been formed in the mid 1990s. Two Colleges are available, a town centre sixth form and the worldwide conglomerate Barnfield College who has adopted the motto of outstanding and different to reflect the local area. Barnfield has a history of hostile take-overs and as it now has every school within a fifty mile radius working for it has recently resorted to taking over Coca-Cola and Michael Gove.
The average Lutonian school pupil learns approximately nothing at Luton schools. They frequently use the device known as a mobile phone to contact their mates using a very complex language known as 'Luton Text' which consists of LoL, cul8r, and various other incomprehensible words. This peculiar language formed the inspiration for at least three Dan Brown novels and it is rumored that you will discover the secret of the universe if you crack the 'Luton Text' enigma.
The role of the Airport in Lutonian life[edit]
The Airport is an independent institution with its own property and income. Luton Airport subsidises Luton in return for being allowed to brainwash residents and demolish houses for runways every ten years.
Recently the airport was due for a major expansion project. However this idea was doomed from the beginning as Luton is situated merely a few miles from Harpenden whose population were rich and bored enough to stage a protest (sort of) consisting of a few signs and petitions. Eventually the Lutonian project leaders realised that the Harpenden folk, who feared greatly for their property prices, could fund this 'attack' indefinitely and so decided that it would be easier to have them all killed. The money has now been redirected into this new project involving Transformers who hide as EasyJet planes. To prevent Harpenden's collective funds from finding out about this, the government planned to create several traveller sites nearby and unsurprisingly Harpenden folk are funding a movement against this. This has allowed the government of Luton to prepare the Transformers so that the airport may finally be expanded.
Everything is sponsored by EasyJet, a budget airline that cuts costs and passes savings on to the passenger by flying Sopwith Camels fueled with old chip oil.
Having read all that, do bear in mind that the airport calls itself "London Luton Airport" and in no way associates its location with the town itself; it prides itself on its locality to London, not Luton.
To put all of this into a few words, the airport is the quickest way out of this hell-hole.
Sites of special scientific interest within Luton[edit]
Lewsey Farm in Luton has been singled out as a specific site of scientific interest. Originally built as a dumping ground for people from London it is now home to the only known breeding colony of Ewok in the country
The River Lee - runs right through the town but amazingly, its contents change every year. Water is not one of them. Previous contents include white cider, urine and homeless people. Recently an atom bomb, a family of Amphibious mexicans and a man-bear-pig were all discovered.
One person on a stag night thought it would be funny to drink from this ditch and sadly for him he woke up the next day with lepresy and prostate cancer Don't drink from the river!
The incredible Arndale Centre, also known as "shit hole with stuff to steal". A veritable circus of chavness complete with heavily mad-up slappers of all ages, gluesniffers, pickpockets and 16 year old mothers. Is there any hope for these people ? NO is the short answer.
Famous Sons of Luton[edit]
Bedmond the Unready (1352-1394) was born and raised in Luton and allegedly went on to found the town of Bedford
Smiley the Harrowmite (1609-1699), the self confessed frowner, managed to break the then world record for frowning (approximately 2 days), with an incredible -1 years and 18 days. He performed this magnificent feat in Luton, incredible given the hole's sheer beauty and brilliance.
Lorraine Chase (1932-present) actress and comic, famous for saying "Luton airport" in an advert for some drink, possibly Campari or Cinzano, often seen meditating on runway 2 of Luton airport before she jets off to Yorkshire for filming of popular (with the very elderly and retarded) Emmerdale(formally Emmerdale Farm) Once married to Malcolm Cheese and double barrelled her name to Cheese-Chase. Last seen blowing Salman Rushdie.
Plans for the future[edit]
Luton Borough Council intends to waste further money deforesting the town centre and adding a fascia to the shopping centre to hide the general ugliness. A subcommittee is studying just filling the hole in and building a new city on top, or an alternative of burying Luton in concrete and starting again. Project leader Adam Slanger explains the proposal as follows: "I think we can all agree that this city was a bit of a... well, it was a cock up. Let's replace it with a nice tree or something and move on with our lives." New plans in action, the thousand year old mill stream has been concreted over and a new road built over it called Hucklesbury way and the trees along the New Bedford road have been cut down as they could become dangerous and fall over even though they were London Plane trees, and lime trees originally planted along road sides because they are stable and not likely to cause any harm at all, but the ever wise councilors in Luton decided the trees must go. The 300 year old chestnut trees in Stock-wood park which must be hacked down to make way for anything the council may wish to build there one day . The once beautiful river lea that beings its life near a shopping trolley river sculpture in Marsh farm now is enclosed as a concrete storm drain although the water has long since dried up and the rats have only shopping trolleys to contend with and there is plenty of food for them in the shape of chicken and McCain fried chip boxes that now fill the river thanks to the hundreds of southern fried chicken shops in Luton. Once the world leader in Hat manufacturing now the world leader in Chicken shops Lutons really looking up. Unfortunately there isn't much of a future plan for Luton as the Neo Liberal capitalist town planners and councils don't actually have more than a 2 year plan, which mostly involves draining as much as they can of tax payers money, then living and retiring in their Harpenden mansions, just a few miles away from Luton, but a whole world away as far as their concerned. Hopefully the drug trade in Luton will keep people alive and provide some sort of income in the future as well as a plan to build a methane generator which will power half the houses in Luton and will be fueled by pit bull shit collected off the streets of Luton. There is also a scheme to build a 50 ft razor wire fence around Luton to stop the people there spreading out into Neighboring villages this is nothing new as there is was a similar defense built around 700BC at the north end of the town called Drays ditches now obliterated by the Golf coarse but though to have been built by farmers to the North of Luton intending to keep the people contained in Luton and not have them escaping into the surrounding countryside. This was proven to be a good thing because between 1214 and 1215 the people of Luton started eating their own children and eating their neighbors children and pets, due to a famine there caused by a lack of chicken and chip shops at that time. More flats are to be built in Luton by the wealthy slum Landlords making them richer and the tax payer poorer as the extortionate rents are paid mostly by housing benefits as no one in Luton officially works. A town of endless rabbit hut size flats and chicken and chip shops, another 500 chicken shops expected in the next two years and any historic building left must be knocked down to make way for more blocks of flats and chicken shops.
Sister city[edit]
Luton's American sister city is Detroit, Michigan. Both cities share thriving auto companies (as Luton is a division of General Motors) and a remarkable absence of minorities.