Commonwealth of Virginia
|Motto: "Sic semper tyrannis"
|Anthem: "Virginia Is for Lovers" by Halifax Heights
|English, Tidewater twang, political double-talk
|Ralph Northam (D)
|Tim Kaine (D)
Mark Warner (D)
|Sandra Bullock, Ella Fitzgerald, Warren Beatty, Pocahontas, Rob Lowe, George Washington
|June 25, 1788
|Tobacco, broiler meat
|Printer accessories, helicopters
Virginia is a state in the Southern and Mid-Atlantic regions of the United States. Virginia is nicknamed the "Old Dominion" and sometimes the "Mother of Presidents" because it literally birthed 8 U.S. Presidents into existence. The geography and climate of the state is rather boring, but nonetheless is taught to little fourth grade Virginia children. By the following year, all they can tell you is that Virginia is roughly a right-side-up North Carolina. The capital of the Commonwealth is Richmond, a particularly dirty, industrial city loaded with hipsters thinking they're in Portland. Virginia Beach is the most populous city but doesn't have much in the way of good places to eat. The beach is kind of nasty too. Plus, the stench of nearby Norfolk tends to drive away tourists.
The area's history begins with indigenous settlements, and the founding of the Colony of Virginia in 1607 by the Virginia Company of London as the first permanent New World English colony. Land from displaced Native American tribes and slave labor each played significant roles in Virginia's early politics and plantation economy. Virginian's often justified these actions by pointing to the religious persecution they faced back in Jolly Old. When it was pointed out that only the pilgrims had fled Britain due to religious intolerance, the Virginia's simply shrugged and went back to beating their slaves. Virginia was one of the Thirteen Colonies in the American Revolution and joined the Confederacy in the American Civil War, during which Richmond was the Confederate capital. The state of West Virginia was created since the West Virginians were cowards and did not want to defend their homes. Although traditionally conservative and historically part of the South, both major national parties are competitive in modern Virginia.
The state government, home to the oldest legislature in the Americas, has been repeatedly ranked most antiquated by the Southern Poverty Law Center, often citing it as the leading hate group within the Mid-Atlantic South. Virginia's economy has very few sectors, usually only including agriculture and the production of firearms. The growth of the strip club and porn industries have made whores the state's leading export, with the industry based on the strength of Virginia's public schools and universities. Virginia does not have a major professional sports franchise, but is home to several prominent collegiate sports programs, and several not so prominent ones.
1607–1619: Early History and Founding
Virginia, originally called The Land of Virgins, was first settled many thousands of years ago by bloodthirsty Indian savages. Virginia was a land of darkness and un-civilization. It was in 1607 that the English came ashore near Jamestown and saved the savages from themselves. Virginia was discovered by the explorer Sir Walter Raleigh, who named the colony after Queen Elizabeth I's vagina, which he had caught sight of by accident when he approached the royal chambers to ask Her Highness for a charter to start a colony in 1583. After deciding to not behead him, she granted his request. After multiple failures, the colony was finally settled in 1607 by Sir Christopher Newport, later famous for inventing the menthol cigarette.
The Virginians quickly defined themselves by their lackadaisical approach to work, making the poor, the Indians, and their slaves do a modest share of the labor. This appraoch to labor is credited with starting the great starvation periods of Jamestown. This is even more ironic considering the summer and autumn of 1609 were the greatest periods of harvest in over 200 years for the Indians. Most of the colonists died due to the lack of food and brutal and ineffectual reign of Capt. John Smith II, the first ruler of Virginia. John Rolfe is credited with saving the colony after he showed up in late 1610 and taught the colonists to smoke and sell tobacco rather than eat it. After doing this, the colony became exceedingly rich and attracted even more Englishmen to come be rich with them. It was also around this time that the colonists began to crave sex, so they imported women from England to be their wives.
1619–1775: The Royal Colony of Virginia
After years of good fortune and excellent warfare against the savages, Virginia created the first legislature in the Western Hemisphere in 1619. The name they gave this legislature was the House of Burgesses, which also served as a fabulous gentleman's club when the legislature was not in session, which was practically all of the time. The Headright System also contributed to the large number of newcomers to Virginia. This system was basically a form of white slavery, with the exception that the indentured servants' skin color granted them freedom after about six years. Black slavery however was much different. Slaves were a regular staple of Virginian life from the very beginning. The institution was made formal law in 1660 and because of the slaves skin color, they were not granted freedom after six years. Well, actually, they were never granted freedom, that's why they were slaves.
The tradition of being rather conservative in Virginia started during the English Civil War when the Colony lent Charles I their support and loyalty. Virginia also at this point began to foster their eternal hatred for the English Parliament when they decided to do this. Sadly, Charles I was executed and the colony's future was in question. The Restoration of the crown occurred later, and Charles II gave Virginia the nickname, "Old Dominion" for its support to the crown during the ordeal. Virginians were very proud of this title, having earned it simply for giving vocal and not military support to the King, and still use it to this day.
William & Mary College was founded in 1693 in Williamsburg. The capital was moved from Jamestown to the Williamsburg in 1699 since the people of Jamestown had all gone insane and caught various bouts of Gangrene and Yellow Fever.
Virginia's hatred for Parliament intensified with the passage of new and horrid taxes which threatened Virginia's production of hemp and tobacco. These taxes were levied in order to pay for the glorious British victory in the Seven Years War. Patrick Henry gave a famous speech in the House of Burgesses prior to the American Revolution in which he declared, "Give me hemp, or give me death!" Historians, in an effort to demonize marijuana in the 1930s, began to substitute the word hemp for liberty, a revisionist blasphemy that has persisted to this day. Many people incorrectly assume that many famous Virginians, such as Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and George Mason, were fervent supporters of Liberty and freedom. In fact, all of them were simply concerned about their loss of money on their crops, slaves, and glorious hemp. George Mason, for instance, wrote the famous Virginia Declaration of Right to Economic Wealth. Assertions of freedom-loving were incorrectly made beginning in the 1910s when another famous Virginian, Woodrow Wilson, ran for President.
1775–1789: American Revolution in Virginia and Aftermath
The year is now 1775, the Colonies are blood-lusting for war. Thomas Jefferson writes a rather long note dissing King George III. Our Great and Glorious Leader, George Washington, helped save the colonies from the lobsterbacks during the war, particularly he helped save his native Virginia. Much of the war was fought in Virginia, and contrary to popular belief, the movie The Patriot was based on events that happened in Virginia, not South Carolina. Nobody from South Carolina could possibly have been that cool or brave. At any rate, General Cornwallis (the dandy who led the British Army) was forced to surrender to Washington at Yorktown near the Chesapeake Bay. Accusations that the French helped America win the war are outrageous and untrue.
After the War, Virginia defined itself as a Commonwealth, just because it could. This tradition has lasted to this day. Virginia elected to join the United States at the conclusion of the war in 1783. During the period of 1783-89, there was much happiness in Virginia, after all, they were the most powerful state in all of America, right?
1789–1861: Constitution and "States' Rights"
In 1789 the states got together and basically said that their new nation sucked. The Virginians took the charge and basically wrote the Constitution on behalf of everyone else. However, This marked the beginning of Virginia's
decline rise to greater prominence.
After the Constitution was ratified and Virginia became the 10th state in the Union, Virginia focused on bolstering its image in the rest of the country and the world. They did this by trying to acquire as much land as possible west of them. Eventually Congress told Virginia to give it up, but Virginia to this day asserts every state besides Arkansas was made out of Virginia.
It was also around this time that Virginia began to dominate Presidential elections. Election after election a Virginian was elected to the office. Many states, particularly Rhode Island, complained that Virginia's dynasty of the White House threatened to make Virginia the eternal ruler of America. Virginia was perfectly fine with this. In fact, Jefferson once told Ben Franklin during a drunk evening of debauchery in the White House that this was Virginia's aim all along. The plan worked wonderfully for a while, but Virginia's political capital began to wain in the 1830s.
Virginia and the rest of the South began to fight with the North in Congress over nullification and slavery during the 1850s. The election of Abraham Lincoln in 1860 though really stirred the pot and made everyone south of Pennsylvania really angry.
1861–1865: The Uncivil War of Northern Aggression Between the States
All of this bickering eventually led the South Carolinians to do something completely irrational, i.e. attack the North. Well, actually themselves since Ft. Sumter was in Charleston Harbor. Virginia once again rebuked its nasty little stepbrother of a state, but eventually joined the cause when Lincoln accidentally invaded Virginia in order to move the U.S. Army into South Carolina in what was probably one of the most tragic goofs in U.S. history. The Virginia militia became confused when a massive movement of troops began cutting across the state, stealing lots of food and clothes as they went. Robert E. Lee got very angry and decided Virginia should defend itself from the rabble and ordered the Army of Northern Virginia to attack the Federal troops at the battle of First Manassas. Virginia at this point had already joined the Confederate States of America.
Gen. Lee and Gen. Stonewall Jackson led the Commonwealth in leading the South in burninating the U.S. Army all across Virginia. Victory after victory began to pile up for the Confederacy. Notable victories for Virginia and the Confederacy include: The Battle of Fredericksburg, in which Gen. Ambrose Sideburns was defeated by Lee, the Battle of Seven Pines, and the Battle of Second Manassas. Lee was turned back after his invasion of the North was stopped in Sharpsburg (Antietam), but won a decisive victory at Chancellorsville. Unfortunately, Gen. Jackson got too drunk one night celebrating the victory and accidentally fell into the York river and drowned. Lee, so struck with grief at the loss of his
lover best general, went and lost the Battle of Gettysburg, a humiliating day for Virginia. Lee basically stunk from that point on and eventually surrendered to Gen. Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox, VA. The war was over, and Virginia would never be the same. Oh by the way, Lincoln was killed in Virginia too.
1865–1965: Reconstruction and Onward
Virginia got butt raped by the rest of the country, particularly the North, for about 70 years. Virginians took this anger out of their newly freed black population. Such fraternal charities as Kappa Kappa Kappa were founded in order to combat this racism and prejudice, and Virginian white Protestant males joined in droves. They often lit alight crosses in the front yards of black families in order to show support for the cause of civil rights.
1965–present: Modern Virginia
Northern Virginia (aka the region that wishes it was D.C.) is a center of regional power and wealth. The region is also credited with reviving Virginia's adult entertainment industry. Virginia has defined itself as a conservative state that is in fact not backwards or overly racist without adopting the fascist or liberal policies of the north. Virginia has consistently voted in favor of Republicans for President since the '60s, but they broke the mold in 2008 when they voted for Barack Obama, a decision they seem to have immediately regretted.
Virginia rewrote its antiquated state constitution in 1971 in order to reflect changes in national and state laws in regard to segregation and civil rights. Virginia legislators were forced rather reluctantly to recognize black people as human beings and grant them certain rights, like being able to walk on the sidewalk during the daytime and the ability to look a white man in the eyes when speaking. Even these begrudged amenities were not enough and the constitution was amended further to make all black people full citizens of Virginia. Interestingly enough, only 20 years later Virginia became the first U.S. state to elect its first openly African-American governor in 1989. Douglas Wilder served in that capacity from 1990 to 1994.
The Governor of Virginia is Democrat physician Ralph "North-Ham" Northam. He was elected in 2009 on the slogan, "Ralph's for respiration," and promptly endeavored to perform one of American politics' more notorious jobs on patients at respiratory clinics. The legislature, however, was slightly more circumspect, and amended McDonnell's bill so that patients will be propagandized but not penetrated, except of course by the scalpel for which they showed up. McDonnell, meanwhile, went on to serve on the executive committee of the Democratic Governors Association, to the consternation of Democratic governors; while his adversaries went on to refer to Democrats as the Party of the Windpipe Probe.
Although advocating that the state run the counseling of asthmatics, he has proposed that the state stop running its own computers and liquor stores, suggesting that selling off a handful of the stores every year might avoid tax increases. He sent letters to the 49 other governors proposing new laws to keep the mentally unstable from buying guns, and thus proudly turned in his own "piece" to lead the way. Northam supports gay marriage and has advocated for a state constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one brother and a brother from another mother.
Virginia's economy is mostly based in servitude to the Federal Government or in the production of edible foodstuffs and guns. The burgeoning porn industry in Virginia is credited with raising the state's annual GDP by 2 percentage points in 2009, and has accounted for the greatest number of exports to other states and nations. The principle export of the porn industry, and Virginia, is currently prostitutes. The U.S. Navy also has significant top secret facilities located exactly in Norfolk and Hampton Roads on the Chesapeake. These facilities certainly don't employ any Virginians due to the fact that they do not exist.
Despite Northern Virginia's considerable wealth, the rest of the state is relatively poor and backwards, only growing crops and shopping for guns.
Virginia's roads have only recently undergone modernization, due in part to the traditionalist ideals held by the bulk majority of the Commonwealth's population. For centuries, most Virginians relied on dirt roads and horses for transportation. The automobile was first introduced to Virginians in the year 1956]], though it was originally met with extreme religious backlash outside Northern Virginia. The "car" as it became known, was not widely used until the 1980s, as the highly-devout and fundamentalist population of the Commonwealth saw automobiles as being objects of Satanic origin — being able to propel themselves through an alchemical solution known originally in Ecclesiastical Latin as "Petroleum."
The majority of roads serviced by the Commonwealth are descended from the original roads gifted Virginia by the Crown by charter in 1662. This has been greatly problematic as rural Virginians are now economically-stable enough to purchase their own automobiles to make their monthly pilgrimage to their local Virginia Department of Social Services office for their assistance checks and promptly to Walmart to (colloquially) "load up on beer n' cigarettes." This has since resulted in massive highway congestion regularly on the first three days of the month. The Commonwealth has responded to this problem by promising to allot more money to transportation and then doing absolutely nothing for several years at a time before finally allowing road projects that could easily take six months to a year to be completed. This policy has seen major success in the eyes the House of Delegates and Senate, but has been met with borderline-revolutionary uproar by its subjects.
Northern Virginia (known colloquially as "NoVA"), on the other hand, has a significantly better network of roads, owing to the fact that nearly every other county and independent city in the Commonwealth pays tribute to it in order to prevent it from consuming them. Bridges are also a staple of NoVA, seeing as the absurd amount of rivers in the area would nominally prevent all traffic from reaching the holy land that is the District of Columbia. The commute in Northern Virginia is commonly considered to be "excruciating," as pedestrians in the area view themselves as having the God-given right to cross the street, even though they themselves should only tread the pavement after observing that there are no oncoming automobiles. The average person will sit in traffic for six hours a day, five of which will be spent making rude gestures and cursing God for being so cruel to them.
Automobile accidents are frequent occurrences in Virginia due mainly to the general lack of safety laws, including the lack of a right-of-way law, seat belt laws, auto standards, signage or road maps. A prime example of this may be presented from Google Earth. The Commonwealth of Virginia — outside the Northern Virginia metropolitan area — is only represented by soul-sucking void filled only with the screams of those unfortunate enough to have moved too close to the event horizon that is contained within its borders.
- Northern Virginia
- Great Library of Alexandria
- American Civil War
- Virginia Military Institute
- George Washington