Northern Virginia

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Capital: McLean
Motto: "Virginia? no, I live in NORTHERN Virginia.."
Bird: Airplane
Animal: The Wetback.
Fish: Blowfish
Beverage: Beer
Biatch: Maryland
Nemesis: PG County
-An average-sized home in the Northern Virginia Suburbs. This particular home sold for $2.7 million; about $300,000 below market value

Northern Virginia is a diverse region in the north of Virginia. Northern Virginia seceded from Southern Virginia during the crack boom in the 80's. There are many people of all different shapes, sizes and backgrounds. Northern Virginia was the first region to ever ban public restrooms, which it sees as a disturbance to its culture. Former Governor and State Senator Tim Kaine once said this about the Northern Virginia, "I love Virginia! I really do! I just refuse to go anywhere near the northern part because I want to relieve myself in peace without being arrested by a County Supervisor." Northern Virginia is ranked #2 in the United States on highest immigration. Many El Salvadoreans come here seeking refuge, by magnetic card on the first of every month.

It is also known for its conservative population (but considered communist in comparison to the rest of Virginia). There are many Jews, but they only work six-sevenths of the time and most of them belong to the Megalonychidae family. During the Asian Invasion, Northern Virginia was infested with 'em, resulting in a wide variety of ethnic restaurants that all serve Pho. One popular restaurant for being a Pho Phuk Lai. A sizable portion of blacks live in the urban areas, but rarely make it to the NBA and are forced to move to New York upon reaching 21.


In the beginning, there was beautiful trees, a wonderful landscape, with gorgeous scenery. And then for some strange reason they built Northern Virginia.

During the great Human migration of 1995, many Salvadorian, Honduran, and Laotians were smuggled into the country illegally. During this particular period of time many high class suburban homes were built to accommodate up to a total of 30 family members per household. Word had spread far south, and many immigrants from many Latin countries had chosen Northern Virginia as the new-land, in which Kmart’s and Wal-Mart’s were endless. A city was even built in honor of the Hispanic community, known today as Manassas city, located in Prince William County.

NoVA Speak[edit]

  • ABC Store: Conveniently placed liquor stores that will forever be closed on Sundays until 2030.
  • No traffic: Indicating that you spent less than four hours to drive 10 miles
  • Wegman's: A popular grocery store all the pseudo-rich go to to look special...and pay $5 for a roll of TP.
  • Inside the Beltway: The area all Northern Virginians over 25 must be in after 9:00 a.m., or face a fine.
  • Defensive Driving: Throwing a cup of coffee at another car to prevent them from getting in your lane.*
  • NOVA"": The local community college, the envy of Montgomery College. The N stands for nowledge
  • Home Depot: Very popular government-run store that all Northern Virginians must go to at least two Saturdays per month. During each visit, they must spend at least $1,250 on a "home improvement" item that will stay unused in their...
  • Garage: Originally designed as an obnoxious bedroom for the cars, now a large storage space for the children's toys, the husband's college beer pong trophies, and the wife's clothes that she can't fit into any more because she's a lard ass.


Unlike other Southern states, women are allowed to drive, vote, and gather in public (in other parts of Virginia, women are denied by the government). Of all the accidents in one city in NoVA, half of those involved were women; most of whom were busy chatting on their cell phone, while applying makeup, and brushing their hair in their SUV rather than driving. The other half is the result of a Maryland driver. The Latter half tend to be fatal. NoVA is known for its metro system despite much of NOVA not having convenient access, but it smells of vagrants who take it to avoid the foul air in D.C.. Scientists have conducted research on the temporal disparities many residents of NOVA claim to experience when engaging in rush hour traffic. Based on their findings, local lawmakers fixed the problem by raising it to rush hour and a half, thereby making traffic predictions more accurate.

Some people take the Virginia Rock 'n Roll Xpress from the far ends of Northern Virginia, where there are no known roads. The three people who live in this area claim to live so far away because of "housing prices", but in reality they had to sign an agreement to never speak of the horrid realities associated with living so close to the borders of Maryland and West Virginia in order to keep property values from going into negative values. Nobody is really sure what happens to those that breach their contracts, but several reports cite that the entire house they once lived in was swiftly moved to Prince William County.


The economy in Northern Virginia is quite diverse, White people have just as much money if not less then any other race living in Northern Virginia. Northern Virginia's economy also relies heavily on the communist super market, Wegmans. Wegmans is known for their overpriced organic food that appeals to snobs of all classes (High Class, Higher Class, Ultra Snob, Snobtopolous).

Law and government[edit]

There is no government. When there is a problem, citizens are encouraged to report their problems to the local police that automatically assumes the complainant is the one committing the crime, or to report their issues to their representative in congress or local town council. Unfortunately, nobody can ever really explain how the members of the "local government" became elected in the first place, with all reasonable accounts suggesting that they spontaneously came into existence somewhere in Northern Virginia. In one case, Sterling Representative Eugene Delgaudio was reported to actually be a blow-up doll with a voicebox that would play several pre-recorded clips about how homosexuals were going to burn down the town council building if the person that pressed the button didn't get out and never bothered him again. Nobody in NOVA has ever stuck around long enough to witness the consequences, as they are all either terrified or utterly ambivalent toward any acknowledgement of anything related to sex.


In a recent Washington Post survey, 83% of tourists visiting NoVA said they would "rather punch themselves in the crotch continuously for an entire day" than make a return trip to the region.

Refering to Northern Virginia as 'NoVA' will likely get you shot, fined, or lynched, as many Northern Virginians detest that term. Many Marylanders have mysteriously disappeared as a result.

The western end of NOVA still desperately attempts to appeal to horse-crazed individuals and alcoholics through the promotion of weekly horse drinking contests, wherein tourists can test their mettle by attempting to drink more of NOVA's surplus, bitter wine than a horse bought at an auction from a foreclosed farm. The citizens of western loudoun then convene for a very expensive outdoor picnic and consume the loser.


  • Rosslyn: If you're looking for anything that resembles skyscrapers in the D.C. area, this (or nearby Crystal City) is where you go. In that manner, Rosslyn would be considered downtown DC. Unlike most downtown areas in the US, there are no places to eat (besides Starbucks), absolutely zero cultural centers, and the place vacates completely by 6pm, meaning the only nightlife is watching trash blow across the street for the next 14 hours.
  • Arlington & Alexandria: The government's overflow chamber from D.C., home of the Pentagon. North and south sections of this area are at vicious war, but are awfully hard to tell apart- it's all basically D.C. This is also home to most single Yuppies who can survive living in a filing cabinet rented to them at $2000/month. Holds the Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology, capital of the Asian community.
  • Dale City: Contains Potomac Mills Mall- the Northern hemisphere's largest homeless shelter. Built by Dale in 1985 as a poorly built socialist suburban utopia, its government quickly collapsed after the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991. Known for crumbling infrastructure from the 80's and being one of a few places in Northern Virginia where poor people are legally permitted to exist.
  • Fairfax City: Not culturally part of NoVA. A massive federal project is underway to place the entire thing on wheels and move it up to Baltimore.
  • Fairfax & Loudoun: Notorious for their country clubs and lousy women drivers who use a cell phone when driving, but never get caught due to their access to money and ability to cry on cue.
  • Herndon: Famous for their high number of H-1 visa holders, high number of Hindu/Indian and Arab Muslims. The majority of them working in local tech companies which located in walkable distance of their homes. These people never owned cars in the past and they never drove any motorized vehicle in their life. However, right after they receive their driver license they must own a BMW, Mercedes Benz or Lexus. The area is notorious for bad traffic jams caused by drivers trying to turn left/right from the apposite side of the road. Herndon has multiple apartment complexes with horrible online reputation. Due to the fact each apartment occupied by over night transient families (mostly Hindu/Indian/Muslims), which bring their own pillows, there is no actual census of the population in this area. The area has many cultural attraction including high number of pregnant women trying to cross the street, foreigners in full fresh of the boat attire strolling down the street and variety of women wearing Islamic outfits including hijab, niqab and burka.
  • McLean: One of the most boring places to live. It is insanely expensive to live there- $2 million will only buy you a broomcloset. There is a constant battle between McLean and Great Falls to see who can have the most arrogant population. Currently, Great Falls is winning.
  • Prince William County: Prince William County is known for not ever having a prince (or any other royalty) anywhere near this side of town...unless you consider the local branch of the Latin Kings gang to be royalty. This county is filled with gangs, pimps, hoes, bitches and a lot of gas stations for them to John and Rob. Traffic out here is horrendous because all of the secret agents coming out of DC return home to their mistresses. Stay away from this rogue county!
  • Lorton: Home to where D.C. sends their trash (literally and metaphorically). Three large dumps, a garbage incinerator, several junkyards, two jails, and a large former prison that got so bad the Feds stepped in and closed it down. Also home to many naive newlyweds and newcomers to the area who think they got a steal when buying a home, only to realize one day that their children have developed flippers in lieu of feet.
  • South and West: Towns many hours away such as Fredericksburg, Warrenton, and Winchester are considered Northern Virginia by everyone except Northern Virginians. The slightly better off people in these locales will swear to any who will listen that they too live in Northern Virginia, yet there are an abundance of Confederate battle flags and large trucks owned by those who swear they are in the South. There is currently a push in the so-called "Legislature" of Virginia to give this rural ring around the region to Northern Virginia, who has vowed to refuse the offer at all costs. Few things exist out here besides broken dreams, poor roads, and exiled Northern Virginians.
  • Tysons Corner: Chickens roam the streets and terrorize local residents here.
  • Vienna: Vienna possesses no actual residents, only teams of Mexican construction workers renovating houses. Once a year, the construction workers organize the "Viva Vienna" festival in which citizens from neighboring towns pretend to live in Vienna for two weeks.

No Public Restroom Law[edit]

Northern Virginia is noted for passing the "No Public Restroom Act of 1976" which bans public restrooms everywhere in Northern Virginia. Many local communities support this law because "It does not leave that horrific smell in the restroom" says one Ross Employee. When asked people are kindly told to "hold it in".

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