Benjamin Franklin
“People who live in glass houses should get dressed in the basement.”
“What part of a penny saved is a penny earned. Did you US citizens not understand, bitches?!”
Benjamin Franklin (January 17, 1706 - Now, man) was one of the most decadent, flashy and all-around electrifying figures in early American history. A well-known politician and scientist in his own time, inventor of the Time Machine and first man on the moon, he also invented Rock and Roll and had an extensive and shadowy criminal empire that stretched from upper New York down to West Virginia. Later in life, however, Franklin reformed. He became what some now believe to be a deity - watching over the world with his spectacles, large frame, and mostly bald head and making sure that all is well in the world. Unfortunately, those who do not have faith in him are likely to perish early in life.
Biography
Early Life
Born Benjamin Franklin, Franklin was a powerful child whose favorite hobby was flying his kite and imagining how to take over the world. Due to the geography of the Massachusetts countryside, he frequently was stymied by what he termed as the "Kite-Eating Tree". The sudden winds would blow his kite into a tree, causing him to utter his trademark yell "Aaauuuggg!" No one knows where, perhaps, Ben might have gotten this signature yell, but we do know he was quite a seasoned member of Chuck E. Cheese's Birthday Club. His first life goal was to defeat this awful eater of kites, and he did so with relish and much success at the young age of nine.
These outdoor excursions, frustrating though they were, gave Franklin his strength and bulk. After his jaunt through the countrysides, he would walk the streets of the newly formed Philadelphia, strutting like a peacock and instigating fights with anyone who looked at him - knowing full well that he would defeat any foe. At the age of 17, having fought in numerous street gangs, Franklin decided to start up his own crime syndicate. Through the use of extortion and blackmail, he gained major control of a local printer, where he began printing up his own money and stamping out coins.
Global conspiracy
Franklin is the clandestine mastermind behind a plot to keep the brains of the world's population in little jars on shelves at the Lafayette Reservoir Tower. Theories relating to this date back to 1858, when a young Abe Lincoln was quoted saying to abolitionist John Brown that "the slave power of the south is perpetuated by B.F.'s mind control". Speculation related to the identity of "B.F." ranged from the poet Walt Whitman to Great Britain's Queen Victoria. Yet in 1935, with the sudden appearance of an obese man in a frilly costume sneaking around the Lafayette Reservoir, police drew the conclusion that the stranger was none other than Ben Franklin and his purpose none other than brain control. Throughout the summer of 1935, unrest in the town grew until it exploded on October 2 with the mass suicide of the Lafayette Women's Sewing Club and a botched attempt by the local militia to capture Franklin, torture him, and eviscerate him on Heritage Days after the horse show but before the barbecue. After this threat to Franklin's power base, Franklin Delano Roosevelt organized the Works Progress Administration, which built the tower to house Franklin and his brains and also constructed a large moat under the guise of being a reservoir.
Criminal endeavors
Franklin began early in his printing career by printing up British money, stamping out Pound Sterling on an internal metallurgical press. However, he quickly expanded into other world currencies and document forgeries, including the Magna Carta and love letters from King George to Louis XIII. Other notable printings included racy publications such as "Bennie Franklin's Olde English Guide to Sexual Independence", and more practical items such as "Poor Richard's Almanac", a collection of superstition and ramblings from when Franklin had a bit too much to drink.
As a secondary business during this time, Franklin was involved in a prostitution ring. Little is written down of this venture, but much evidence is in existence from paintings of him during the era.
Over time, through a ruthless combination of feral violence and steely resolve, Franklin controlled more and more of the New England Crime Syndicate, and cornered the market on illegal tea smuggling and stamps. King George, realizing that he was losing control of the tea trade business, attempted to undercut Franklin's tea gains and sent several boats full of tea into the Boston Harbor under cover of darkness. However, Franklin was quite ready for this attempt at fair trade and sent a number of goons to dump the tea into the harbor and break the legs of the captains and crew.
Franklin, realizing the King would strike back with extreme force, managed to propagandize the entire episode into a mangled cry of "No Taxation Without Representation", which seemed to appeal to the citizens of the American Colony. Rumblings of revolution began to spread throughout the colonies. Thomas Jefferson, a contemporary colonial leader, attempted to defuse the episode and bring the two sides together peacefully. To pull off this polite attempt at reconciliation, the genteel Mr. Jefferson held a small get-together with cucumber sandwiches and teacakes, later termed the Boston Tea Party. Unfortunately, Jefferson bungled the choice of tea, leading to riots and the eventual Boston Massacre.
The entire episode benefitted Benjamin Franklin greatly, as he hired out mercenaries and sold muskets to the players on both sides of the conflict.
Scientific accomplishments
As well as being a super-criminal and America's first mob boss, Franklin was an accomplished scientist, who made numerous advances in History, Physics (he invented electricity), Geology and Physiology. His repeated physical injuries of his enemies, such as cutting off their index fingers, gave him in-depth opportunities to examine the structures and parts of the human anatomy.
Perhaps the most well-known experiment is his electricity experiment, in which he managed to harness the power of electricity in his patented Electro-suit. Having spent part of his childhood studying and defeating the kite-eating tree, he decided to battle lightening in 1756 with a special kite and a super-suit made of a copper-zinc alloy. During a large thunderstorm, he navigated the kite into the wind and held onto the thin iron cable. Lightning struck and charged his Electro-suit to full capacity.
As described in his journal:
| “ | With fire flashing in my eyes and blue sparks tracking down the back of my suit, I faced my most brutal foe. Gripping my palm upright, I lashed out with the full force of nature. | ” |
He was now able to use the power of electricity to control the world, which he continues to do today.
Among his many scientific accomplishments, Franklin succeeded in accomplishing his life's main goal: inventing the speedo. Franklin and his good friend Alexander Hamilton were locked for years in an intense scientific battle to see who could first invent this mind boggling piece of swimwear. Franklin, being a natural born winner, won this honor with flying colors. The longtime friendship between the two friends was never the same.
He is also the inventor of bifocals, the lightning rod, and slavery. In his Autobiography he writes "I was dirty when I invented slavery. My pockets were stufffed with shirts and stockings I stole from black people."
Benjamin Franklin is also credited with the invention of sheep. Upon his discovering the shavibility of a cat, he promptly removed it's hair and meticulously glued it to a sheep, thus yielding a sheep. Another of his lesser known accomplishments is the invention of the jacket. The first jacket ever worn by Franklin was a pair of ripped pants that he wore around his head. In a cruel prank played on Founding Father/Brewery tycoon Samuel Adams, he asked Adams to be the world's first bungee jumper. Adams was to jump off a cliff 250 feet off the ground, but Franklin gave him a bungee cord 300 feet long. The death of Samuel Adams instigated the world's first breathilizer, as it was believed that he was simply intoxicated
Benjamin Franklin also invented Kosher Salt, then later invented Kosher Bacon not made from a pig but from turkey instead. Originally he wanted to make the Turkey the USA's bird but was overruled by 99% of the founding fathers who chose the Bald Eagle instead. "But it is bald, and it threatens other nations with a bird that scary. The turkey is native to the USA and a noble bird." Franklin argued. Thomas Jefferson debated back "Mr. Franklin, the Pilgrims ate turkey at the first Thanksgiving, the turkey is an eating bird like a chicken, we don't want our population eating our national bird." so for revenge Franklin knew that Jefferson hated Jewish people so Franklin made Kosher Salt and Kosher Turkey just to piss off Jefferson. This made Jefferson so mad, he stopped believing in God and became an Atheist and made him write "The Jefferson Bible" that removed all religious and god references and then made the "separation of church and state" rule. Jefferson tried to troll Franklin by "Why don't you go fly a kite with a key attached to it in a thunder storm for a second time!" Which Franklin did and discovered that lightning was electricity and caught some in a home made battery he designed based on Greek design when they studied the electric eel. Franklin showed the battery to Jefferson, took two metal clips and attached them to Jefferson's testicles and shocked the hell out of him. "Never mess with a scientist, bitch!" Franklin said back to Jefferson.
His university
Disgusted by the severe lack of badasses and pimps among Philadelphia's youth population, Franklin wrote and distributed his famous pamphlet entitled "Proposals for the Unification of Youth in Pensilvania." Franklin then went on to establish the School of Pimpage and the School of Badassedness inside the former building of Harvard University. Who's slogen was "A song in every heart, and a cap in every ass". Being rather uncreative Franklin eventually named this new institution the University of Pennsylvania. Today, Franklin's university is actually its own sovereign nation in which Franklin is considered the spirtual leader and worshipped as a god. No official university business is ever conducted without first recognizing the holiness of Franklin.
Other endeavors
Benjamin Franklin is also fondly remembered as the First Kung Fu Master of the New World, having mastered by the age of 64 the ancient Cantonese style called "Lightning Palm Kite Fist". He later opened the first Martial Arts Dojo in America and established the Belt system now commonly used throughout the sport.
His lesser-known accomplishments include the invention of the 100 dollar bill and the teepee used by Native Americans everywhere. The Native Americans humbly made him a constellation in the night sky, and refer to his second chin as Orion's Belt.
When interviewed by the The New York Times on the morality of his actions, he cryptically replied, "One game, one win. At the end of the day. One game. One win." They tried to question him further, but he had already escaped on what is now known as the Spinning Rectangle. Invented by Thomas Edison in 1763, historians are still confused as to how he obtained one in his lifetime.
Benjamin Franklin also had a blooming hip-hop career, and even his own label. Though most of his records have been lost to the dust of time, some of his later work has been sampled heavily in the recent Tupac album, "Afghanistan: A Soundtrack".
During his stint as ambassador to France, Franklin infected huge numbers of French people with herpes during what later became known as the Reign of Terror. He had up to seven women in bed doing stuff at the same time. Tabloid reporters say that they all came at the same time. How they know, we dont wanna hear.
In his later years, Ben Franklin also went on to found a popular chain of five-and-dime and crafts stores bearing his name. Many of these are still in operation today.
Travels through East Asia
In 1780, Ben Franklin began a 25 year trip throughout China where he smoked and sold Opium in China, trained with the Samurai in Japan, began pimping, and started the First Nike Sweatshop in Korea. In his autiobiography, he wrote, "I can't remember most of those 25 years, I was so high the whole time."
New American Government
Due to his criminal influence, after the revolution the Founding Fathers were not able to keep Franklin out of the picture. He insisted on participating in all the conferences and debating in all the forums. Thomas Jefferson later wrote:
| “ | It was naught for lack of trying, but for all our efforts and Adam's vain attempts, we could not keep that demented jackal away. | ” |
Because of his extensive counterfeiting ring, Benjamin Franklin insisted on printing all the money in the new American Government, to which he obligingly added his own likeness. To this day, the saying "All about the Benjamins" is a direct quote from Benjamin Franklin himself, who would strut up and down the Boston streets in his leather boots and white colonial wig, collecting money from his "ho's".
Later life and disappearance
Benjamin Franklin disappeared suddenly in 1791 with no clue as to where he went. Some claim that his organization went underground, culminating in the present day Illuminati, Freemasons, Elks Club, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, or NAACP. Others say that he actually died on April 17, 1790, as is recorded in most history books, but this is a load of crap, as he has had photographs taken as late as October 1791 (such as the one at the top of this page), the month before his disappearance. In no case, however, has any evidence been uncovered to suggest a coherent explanation.
There is a theory in some schools that Benjamin Franklin was actually an avatar of the Supreme Being, the Almighty God Leo, who also appeared as Leonardo DaVinci, Ian Fleming, John Wayne, and Paris Hilton. He is believed to be the prime mover of the marriage strike, since God dislikes alimony and community property, and regards feminism as "Godless man-hating". God also takes the form of the constellation Leo. A secret priesthood of Leo elects the Presidents of the United States and sacrifices wealthy feminists to their God. They have also forced Jessica Simpson to put out for her next husband before marriage and to have her tubes tied. The head of the priesthood is Willie Nelson, a Danish prince posing as a country singer, who has also coerced her into appearing in the remake of the Dukes of Hazard as Daisy Duke as penance for past sins.
Douche-bag Savings Time
Ben Franklin's crowning invention, known today as Daylight Savings Time, is when we set our clocks forward an hour to allow alcholics such as himself to wander around at night but still be able to dodge horse draw carriges in the light of dawn, to make chances of being run down while in a drunken state far less. However for people who wake up in the morning before dawn and are leaving for work they have far greater chance of being run down by Ben Franklin just coming off his high.
World domination scheme
Ben Franklin being the evil genius he was, was plotting to take over the world. The United States Government discovered his plan and had him assasinated. The U.S. gave this task to a Black Jewish Native-American man, later to be discovered as Abe Lincoln's father.
Soccer
Ben Franklin's career really kicked off when he started Franklin Sporting Goods. His first sport was Soccer. Soccer was a game played by idiots. The field was a bunch of lines, which lead to his next invention of lines. After inventing and subsequently destroying reality, he wrote B. Franklin's First Guide to the Rules of Soccer. It was later titled The Farmer's Almanac. Franklin was a very odd man, and most likely on crack (then called "craque cocaine" or meth when he created the sport of Soccer. While the sport played today is called Soccer, this is actually what Franklin called Bongo!, the game. Soccer was a very dangerous game, and most Bongo! players eventually got shotguns and overtook Franklin and his Soccer empire, renaming Bongo! to Soccer. Franklinian Soccer is much different, it involves bowling pins, protective helmets, and soccer balls. It is important to remember Franklin was wacked in the head as a child, otherwise, the Soccer empire today as we know it would be real, Franklinian Soccer, and not this horrifically bad Bongo! shit we have today.