University of Pennsylvania

Huh? Did you mean Penn State?

Jewniversity of Pennsylvasia
Glorious Penn Battle Crest
Motto	We're going to meet all the bitches tonight. Official: It's not Penn State, you dumb bitch! (1)
Established	on a Thursday
School type	Sovereign Nation
Head	Coach Joe Paterno
Location	Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States
Campus	University City
Enrollment	Undergraduate: $x|x/x=0$ Graduate: $e^{\pi i}+1$
Endowment	Well
Faculty	$\displaystyle \int _{10}^{13}2x\,dx$
Mascot	The Murderous Quaker

“I applied to Penn. They accepted me. I rejected them though; I refuse to attend any school that would have me as a student.”

~ Groucho Marx on the University of Pennsylvania

Legendary coach Paterno's influence dominated student life and public perception of this fine public university, until his disgrace in the Jerry Sandusky scandal.

The University of Pennsylvania was originally established by John Harvard in Philadelphia as the United States’ first institution of multidisciplinary higher education. However, following an embarrassing association with (yet another) church sex scandal, Harvard University (as it was then known) was forced to close its doors. Several faculty members objected to the closing and decided to relocate the school to Massachusetts where they could continue to practice their pedophilic acts.

In what is now referred to as “The Great Migration” the original building associated with the University, College Hall, was moved brick by brick by several thousand squirrels across Philadelphia’s massive sewage facility (the Schuylkill River). This has led many to believe that squirrels are actually the third most intelligent creatures on the planet, after mice and dolphins. College Hall, however, remained abandoned for hundreds of years until Benjamin Franklin founded the School of Pimpage and the School of Badassness after writing his famous pamphlet entitled "Proposals for the Unpussyfication of Youth in Pensilvania." Both schools were controlled by a single unnamed entity since Franklin was far too lazy to actually name the thing. Being rather uncreative and unimaginative, it wasn't until Franklin needed another deduction on his tax forms that he finally named it the University of Pennsylvania.

Throughout its long history the University established nearly one thousand different undergraduate schools. They were basically all stupid and completely unnecessary and only four still exist today. The University of Pennsylvania is impossible to be often confused with Pennsylvania State University. This confusion is exacerbated by the fact that Penn State is actually a holding company that Penn uses to launder enormous amounts of money into its offshore bank accounts as well as a way for Penn to admit amazing football players to its football team without lowering its overall aggregate SAT Score.

UPenn: Nittany Lions and Joe Paterno

UPenn is flagship public university of the state of Pennsylvania and is known mainly for its successful football program. Contrary to popular belief, it is not a member of the Ivy League, unlike its far more prestigious rival, Penn State. If you meet a UPenn alum, be sure to express your admiration for the Penn football team (Go Nittany Lions!) and congratulate them for going to a state school instead of being a prestige-whore and paying $50,000 a year. They will promptly kiss your feet in an expression of gratitude for your acute understanding.

Beyond the University

President Zombie Yasser Arafat seated in front of portrait of Penn's founder after "donating" a few hundred million pounds to gain admission for his 12 sons .

The University is not just one of the leading institutions of higher education in the world but is, in fact, its own sovereign dough-nation - citizenship is for sale. As such the University is entirely self-sufficient and maintains its own military force. Under the command of the University President, PennArmy, PennNavy, and PennAirForce protect the University from all manner of threats. The University’s military was never used in combat until a battle with neighboring Drexel University. This occurred shortly after Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait, part of UPenn's long history of emulating the dictator's actions. The University excused its actions as “just wanting to be cool like Saddam.” To this Hussein replied, “Nigga, you can't do it like me.” For this brief transgression Penn was forced to sign the PennTreaty with the United States. The University's sizeable military forces are currently engaged in battling a ruthless mugging insurgency of native West Philadelphians

The name, Penn, has become a significant trademark of the University and as such is used everywhere. A typical student will wake up on their PennBed in their PennRoom, take a PennShower, walk to their PennClass in PennHall and do their PennHomework. Even cursing on campus has evolved to the point of making constant reference to the Penn name. It is not unusual to hear the following on Penn’s campus:

“For Penning Penn’s sake, I can’t believe I Penning failed that Penning test. I’m so going to Penn that professor up if he doesn’t give me a Penning B.”

The current President of the University is Zombie Yasser Arafat who took control from some chick in 2004 when she got her panties in a bunch, or something. Conspiracy theorists believe that Zombie Arafat was simply chosen by the secret “Squirrel Overlords” to piss off the Jewish population of the school. When Zombie Arafat took control he stated that he would “end this Jewish wonderland.” Half the campus responded with a simple and curt “what the fuck?”

Benjamin Franklin (pimp master) has attained high religious status within the University. He is worshipped as a god and is considered the religious leader of the University. No official University business is ever conducted without first recognizing the holiness of Franklin. Religious followers of Benjamin Franklin are affectionately called Franks. The school's unofficial motto is: "Everything for a price"

Schools

The School of Arts and Sciences

This portrait of Penn's founder, Benjamin Franklin, still adorns the wall of College Hall to this day.

The School of Arts and Sciences is Penn’s largest school with roughly 100,000 (± 3.14) students. Abbreviated SAS, it is often simply referred to as “The College of Arts and Crafts” as simple courtesy. By its nature SAS offers the widest range of courses to study in, ranging from Sandal Etiquette to Idle Time Management. As such SAS is known for its extreme difficulty; students must learn to effectively manage a permanent 0.5 blood alcohol concentration level, several severe onsets of STD infections, unwanted pregnancies, and troubling contemplations of their future lives after bullshitting for four years.

The College was founded in 1776 after Benjamin Franklin lost a bet with Thomas Jefferson regarding the marital status of one of his many, many, many, many, many, many, mistresses (BF was a pimp yo, werd). The stakes were that if Franklin lost he would have to establish an institution possessing the sole purpose of indoctrinating American students to the idea of a Kleptocractic form of government (strangely if Jefferson lost he would simply have to admit that he enjoyed wearing women’s undergarments, which was generally assumed to be the case by most anyway). However, the detrimentally unstable form of government known as “democracy” was enacted and the institution’s primary purpose was gone. As such the institution was ignored and the physical buildings left in disrepair. They became a breeding ground for alcoholics, drug addicts, and vagrants and continue to do so to this day. During the depression of the 1930’s the College saw a rival as the rest of the country began to mirror life within SAS. In the modern day SAS prides itself as “being representative of the nation during the good and bad, but especially during the bad.” The College of Arts and Crafts takes the +$100k tuition of each student, gives them a receipt called a diploma and gives said tuition monies to the Wharton school. Amazingly, 95-99.47% percent of English Major alumni remain unemployed, broke, humiliated, emasculated...but, having read Samuel Richardson's "Pamela"...are pretty damn literate. So, while competing for work with mexicans and puerto ricans in the dishwashing rooms of America...the "well-read" card comes pretty damn in handy. "Sure I'm familiar with Palmolive; hey, you want to talk about the 18th century epistolary novel? I betcha Zappata and Guadalupe over there can't..." (unfortunately sometimes Zappata and Guadalupe had a library card back in Durango and prattle on about the 'Sorrows of Young Werther' in Spanish...at which point, English majors, you are "chingado" and must resort to teaching children how to color salt with colored chalk and put it in a glass bottle to make a pretty rainbow layering for a nickel/hr...but those kids'll damn well hear some Rimbaud rhymes...).

Typical characteristics of a SAS student include:

• An extensive collection of sandals and PennSandals.
• Alcohol dependency.
• Beating up small children.
• Possessing several photos of empty alcohol bottles.
• Butchering whatever language they use to fulfill their foreign language requirement.
• Public intoxication violations.

The School of Engineering and Applied Sciences

This was the official Penn State mascot until it was "befouled" by a group of alumni during spring break in 2007.

The School of Engineering and Applied Sciences was founded in the year 3942 A.C., its existence in the present is due solely to students in 4012 A.C. who, while trying to fit more hours into a day in order to have some semblance of a social life, accidentally warped the space-time continuum and sent the school back in time to the present day. As such, faculty of SEAS (pronounced OH-EM-GEE) have teaching standards that while acceptable in the future have been deemed "cruel and unusual" by the United States Supreme Court. SEAS, however, does not recognize the authority of the court, calling it "poorly designed, featuring crucial flaws that will ultimately cause it to fail under both internal and external stresses" in an official statement made by the head of the Mechanical Engineering and Applied Mechanics Department. Such teaching standards include but are not limited to: assuming students do not require sleep, nourishment, or joy; creating problems that are intentionally unsolvable; and assuming an advanced knowledge of science that has yet to be discovered.

SEAS is housed in a collection of buildings on the eastern end of Penn's campus known solely as "Hell's Dirty Attic." Six academic departments call SEAS their home:

• Bioengineering: Also known as "Engineering for Effeminate Men and Butch Women," the Bioengineering Department nows calls Skirkanich Hall, a hideous combination of sleazy bar window glass and puke green brick carved from a single block of granite, its home. No one exactly knows what a bioengineer does and when attacked by other engineers that bioengineering is not "real engineering" the usual retort by a SEAS bioengineering student is to say, "Well, at least I'm not in the College."

• Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering: When faced with a rather plain looking internet website SEAS created this fictitious department as filler. Lavish Federal funding followed shortly thereafter.

• Computer and Information Science: Renowned for its 76% suicide rate and high population of self-admitting masochists, the CIS Department enjoys creating math courses under itself because "the Math Department courses are for pussies, queers, homosexuals, and the like." In fact, the subject matter is known to be so hard that God himself would likely transfer to the College and become a Communications major. Unfortunately, the high suicide rate has contributed to a overall decline in the quality of the student.

• Electrical and Systems Engineering: Because of Franklin's own study of electricity the ESE Department considers itself to be the pioneering institution in the field. As such the ESE Department offers a wide variety of highly specialized courses such as ESE 492: Advanced Key, Kite, and Electrical Storm Theory. Despite this rigorous education, however, most ESE students graduate simply knowing how to turn a disposable camera into a taser.

• Materials Science and Engineering: Most MSE students spend their days contemplating the possibility of an unbreakable diamond coated condom that they may use when they have sex for the first time (Note: A non-virgin MSE student has been proven to be mathematically impossible).

• Mechanical Engineering and Applied Mechanics: Delusional with ideas of becoming aerospace engineers, rocket scientists, roboticists, and designers of massive civil engineering projects, most MEAM students are crushed to find out they will most likely become grease monkeys at their local underground chopshop.

A SEAS student allowed to engage in social activities.

Typical characteristics of a SEAS student include:

• A pale zombie-like appearance.
• The inability to blink.
• Knowing more acronyms than words.
• Considering a "25 hour day" a light schedule.
• A general dislike of feelings, emotions, and all things that make humans human.
• A funny accent.
• Possessing gastrocnemius muscles outside the standard deviation of the general adult population due to cyclical displacements towards artificially engineered structures during one full rotation of the Earth about its rotational axis extending through geographic north and south poles.
• Using unnecessarily complicated and overly scientific sentences.
• A (substantiated) feeling of superiority over students in the other three undergraduate schools.
• Drooling uncontrollably when told that some College students need only 32 credit units to graduate.
• Lack of concern for the environment characterized by excessive use of paper.
• Considering A Beautiful Mind autobiographical.
• Severe depression characterized by listening to Lincoln Park and slashing wrists.

The Nursing School

Heeelllloooooo Professor Nurse!

Of the four undergraduate schools Nursing is by far the most specialized. The Nursing School was originally conceived as the “Norsing School,” which would provide prospective students with a highly focused education in how to become an authentic Viking. However, when enrollment was less then stellar (the school had to forcibly enroll nine bums they found loitering outside just to continue to receive funding) the school decided an alternate educational focus was necessary. With few ideas, and too small of a budget to make new signs, the Norsing School became the Nursing School. The school excelled, producing highly qualified registered nurses and nurse practitioners. Many students continued their education to earn medical degrees. Three of the “Original Nine” bums even became United States Surgeon Generals. The last to hold the position took the title of General and the rank of Vice Admiral a bit too far and actually turned the school into a small, ever ready, amphibious assault force of field medics possessing a similar role to the United States Marine Corps. Penn Nursing students actually train with Marine Corp cadets at Parris Island during their summers. They have the distinguished reputation of being hardened healing machines. A well know story holds that one student actually made a USMC drill sergeant break down and cry like a little girl for making a vaguely sexual comment in passing. Because of this the USMC began to separate the sexes during training (for the protection of the men).

During the 1950’s the Nursing School pioneered the “sexy nurse” stereotype, making the official school uniform a white blouse with the top three buttons removed and a risqué “skirt” cut eight inches above the knee. With the feminism movement of the 1960’s the school was pressured into changing the uniform into more appropriate blue scrubs, compromising that they would still be ordered two sizes too small, however.

Today, the school is still renowned for its excellence. The official teaching philosophy of Penn Nursing is “to educate leaders and vanguards in the field of nursing and to leave the dirty work to lesser schools like Columbia, Brown and Princeton.” A Penn Nursing education is known to be highly stressful with a strong emphasis on real world experience but this stress is usually relieved once a student takes NURS 242: Concepts of Pharmacology & Therapeutics and gains access to a seemingly endless stock of morphine.

It should be noted that contrary to the popular stereotype, males in the Nursing School are not actually homosexual. Instead they are nearly all heterosexual with rather disturbing and obscene nurse fetishes.

Typical characteristics of a Nursing student include:

• Considering scrubs appropriate attire for all occasions, from bar mitzvahs to funerals.
• Diagnosing their enemies with “Bitch Syndrome”
• Using their stethoscope to cool off in the summer.
• A general pity of other students who are not pretty much guaranteed a job the moment they receive their degree.
• Knowing more about the bodies disgusting internals than you ever will (or will ever care to) know.

The Wharton School AKA TINE SALVARANI

The original design of Wharton's Huntsman Hall.

The Wharton School is Penn’s most well known undergraduate school but despite its name it isn’t actually a school at all. Instead, Wharton is the product of many multinational banks and investment houses pooling their resources to create a single, monstrously-evil human resources department. You may have thought your company’s human resources department was evil but Wharton makes it look like an adorable baby panda. Every year Wharton accepts hundreds of bright-eyed youths hoping to make their mark in the business world. At the end of four years a Whartonite is stripped of their humanity, forced to wear a degrading number of suits and ties, and coerced into adopting Jon Huntsman as their lord and savior. While most religions believe that no one can rob a person of their soul, it is generally accepted that Wharton is the only exception to this rule.

Wharton was founded during the United States Civil War by nefarious corporations hoping to capitalize upon the human pain and suffering (the original plan included capitalizing upon human indecency but that was thought to be too cost prohibitive). Like all underhanded subsidiaries of major corporations, Wharton prospered, producing well known businessmen like Donald Trump, Warren Buffet, Al Capone, and Adolf Hitler. In 2002, Wharton outgrew its little den of evil and built Huntsman Hall. Well regarded as more of an eye-sore than a 100 foot tall billboard picture of goatse, Huntsman Hall was originally supposed to be topped with the Eye of Sauron but the idea was scrapped when the President of the University found it “a bit too pretentious.” Throughout Huntsman Hall are elaborate study rooms that are actually human social experimentation rooms designed to discover exactly what makes a Wharton student so pompous, arrogant, self-aggrandizing, and wholly unattractive.

When SEAS was transported through space and time to the present day, Wharton convened numerous faculty meetings (read: executive board meetings) to discuss how to best take advantage of this new time-warping technology. With no direct control over SEAS Wharton’s options were limited. To circumvent this problem the Wharton Trustees of Evil decided to conduct a covert hostile take over of the entire University. With crafty book keeping and lengthy paper trails no one is certain whether or not the take over has yet to actually occur. Most analysts hold, however, that the take over has already commenced and that the t-shirts and sweatshirts that have “University of Pennsylvania” subordinate to “The Wharton School” is part of a multiyear strategy to ease the new management onto the student body. Detracting analysts argue that if Wharton were to conduct such a take over it would likely result in “extreme downsizing” (read: brutal murder) of the student population. The former analysts assert that Wharton is simply waiting on a special order of sharks with freakin’ laser beams attached to their heads to conduct such an operation.

Typical characteristics of a Wharton student include:

• Lack of any human decency.
• Owning a usurious amount of designer suits.
• General disdain for A minuses
• Considering a hundred dollar bill too small for practical purposes.
• Possessing a version of their resume customized to every Fortune 500 company.
• Laughing maniacally when Cornell's School of Hotel Administration is mentioned.
• And just being all around evil.

These characteristics are most pronounced in members of the Huntsman Program in International Studies and Business.

Graduate Schools

Penn’s reported eight additional graduate schools are merely an ongoing joke within the University. "Graduate school" is an oxymoron afterall, why would someone go to school if they already graduated? lol.

Campus Life

Housing

Freshmen proudly admire the first complete section of the Quad.

Before the University was filthy-stinking rich it needed to conserve as much of its financial resources as possible. In order to avoid the enormous financial burden of providing housing for its burgeoning student population the University, under the leadership of the yet-to-be zombified Benjamin Franklin, created a general requirement course every freshmen would have to take entitled SHLT 101: Rudimentary Domicile Building. In this course students would learn to construct their own dormitories from basic building materials found around campus (primarily small twigs and squirrel pelts). The course was so successful that after numerous years students completed the Quadrangle group of college houses. Although by modern standards the Quadrangle is generously described as an unlivable "shit-hole" the University has prevented its condemnation by continuously bribing the city government.

During the 1960s when, contrary to Franklin's original dream, youth once again became pussyfied, the University was pressured into abandoning SHLT 101 and constructing structurally sound residences. Among the notable college houses are Hill College House, a veritable prison originally designed to quarantine women (a.k.a, the unclean), it is now used to separate engineering freshmen from the rest of the student population so as to prevent the spread of highly contagious, and lame, froshenteritis; DuBois College House, a low-rise residence designed to house all the "ethnics" (and gays); and the three SuperBlock™ high rise dormitories.

The three high rise college houses, previously known only as High Rise North, South, and East; now referred to as Hamilton, Harrison, and Harnwell; and soon to be known as Rodin, Rapunzel, and Rape Tower are the University's crowning achievement to modern college housing. The triple towers began life as a SEAS student's senior design project. His proposal to build three 24-story concrete towers without steel reinforcement was actually a gag intended to show his disdain for the school. He thought his proposal to place three behemoth structures in close proximity to create a super wind tunnel would never be taken seriously. However, when the proposal not only garnered him an A grade but was accepted by the University he was horrified. After the completion of the towers the designer promptly flung himself from the 24th floor of the northern high rise, choosing to commit suicide rather than to deal with the pain he would cause to future generations.

Housing is not just limited to University college houses, however, as many students elect to live in their own apartments or the house of their fraternity/sorority/any random assorted student group. It appears as though every student group from the Assonance Appreciation Association to the Zack Morris Fan Club has its own house on campus. Ironically even the Student Coalition Against Group Housing has its own house located at 3812 Walnut Street. However, all these houses are even greater "shit-holes" than the Quad.

Dining & Food

From its inception, the University administration not only dealt with the surprise that college-aged youth required shelter from the environment but that they also required nourishment in the form of daily food intake. With the University's coffers being drained by excessively needy students, one disgruntled administrator inquired, "What's the point of being young if you need to eat all the time?!" (He was evidently born 50 years-old). Despite the University's best efforts to provide students with an enriching diet of Philadelphia dirt many students continued to starve. Years of hunger pains and near death finally came to a head when, shortly before the impending first commencement, the senior class cannibalized the entire junior class. The seniors accomplished this feat under the guise of celebrating the junior class's accession to senior status. The juniors, lured to College Green, were tricked into diverting their attention from the seniors by one senior student who shouted "Hey! What's over there?!" from the top of College Hall. While the juniors intently gazed in the opposite direction the seniors massacred and feasted upon them. This event is celebrated as the first "Hey Day" and continued as a tradition each year until 1963 when the (pussyfied) juniors were too scared to be devoured alive. How exactly there continued to be seniors when the juniors were eaten each year remains a mystery since it's best not to ask those kinds of questions. In the present day the tradition of Hey Day is marked by the metaphorical adornment of juniors with various condiments as they parade down the main walk.

Big Ben be lovin' the food at Penn.

Of course, in the modern day, actually cannibalizing an entire class is unnecessary as the University provides satisfactorily adequate dining facilities. Among the chief dining halls is 1920 Commons, so named because it cost $19.20 to build and approximated $19.20 to eat a bowl of cereal there. Commons, as it is referred to, is actually part of Penn's numerous parking facilities and patrons have to be careful not to be run over by the occasional car that wanders into the dining area. Besides Penn's own dining facilities, numerous world class restaurants can be found within University City including a 5-star McDonalds.

Athletics

Teams and Mascot

19th Century Murderous Quaker.

Athletically, Penn is a member of the Ivy League (unlike Cornell, which only thinks it is) which effectively means that Penn athletes would likely qualify for the Special Olympics. Penn athletes would also likely lose all their events. But that doesn’t mean they don’t try and effort is its own reward! With such an utter lack of skill Penn’s teams often resort to sheer intimidation to defeat their opponents. The opening routine of Penn’s mascot, the Murderous Quaker, to any major game is to kidnap a member of the opposing team and cannibalize their body in front of enthusiastic Penn fans. The carcass of the unfortunate athlete is then returned to the opposing team with a note signed:

“Absolutely delicious, must try another. Love, Murderous Quaker”

This has resulted in many Penn teams managing to maintain a .500 win percentage due to an overwhelming number of forfeits by the opposing teams.

Facilities

PennAthletics makes use of numerous facilities, the two most prominent being the Palestra and Franklin Field. The former is Penn’s arena, home to Penn Basketball, Penn Volleyball, and Penn Wrestling. The Palestra is named from the ancient Greek word palaestra where naked oiled-up men would squirm over each other in the most homosexual act since Richard Simmons' “Sweatin’ to the Oldies.” However, in the modern arena, naked oiled-up men have been replaced by buxom naked oiled-up women. Franklin Field is Penn’s world famous football stadium and megachurch to devout Franks. The well known PennRelays are run every year at Franklin Field. The Relays showcase a variety of athletes and events; from the 100m Baby Sprint to the 200m Geriatric Hurdles.

Traditions

There are numerous traditions associated with PennAthletics, performed solely to appease the ever-watchful and wrathful Benjamin Franklin. One such tradition is the singing of “The Red and Blue” to the melodic beats of a virtuoso washboard soloist. The song is a veritable call to arms, with lyrics as follows:

Come all ye loyal classmen now
In hall and campus through,
Lift up your swords and knives
For the Royal Red and Blue

Fucking Harvard has her crimson
Penning Yale her colors too,
But for pimpin’ Pennsylvania
We wear the Red and Blue.

Refrain:
Attack, attack Pennsylvania!
Bite their knee-caps and kick their groins!
Show them our well known mania!
And while you’re at it steal their coins!

The lyrics continue as such for seventeen verses. The singing of “The Red and Blue” is often accompanied by a repeated salute first popularized during the 1930's by the young Wharton student, Adolf Hitler.

Of course, the Penn fight song exhibits great humbleness associated with its sophisticated and self-loathing students:

Fuck up, Pennsylvania!
But please don't go bitch and whine,
Fuck you! Pennsylvanians!
On asshole you should dine.
Red and blue, Chief Wahoo
Is railing up your "men,"
So FUCK, FUCK, FUCK PENNSYLVAN-I-A!
Fuck up, again!

Another popular tradition by Penn students is to throw toast onto the football field at the end of the third quarter. The throwing is not just limited to toast but often includes rolls and bagels. The throwing may last several minutes as cheerleaders and other personnel on the track around the field cautiously dodge incoming breaded projectiles. While play resumes in the fourth quarter a “toast zamboni” comes out to collect the thousands of slices off the track. Afterwards, a general malaise sets in and you wish you went to USC.