“I'm going to have Kuwait roasted!”
“I hate Kuwait! especialy Kuwaiti people who rapes me!”
الأمم البستونى من أمريكا
|Motto: God Bless America|
|Anthem: "Star-Spangled Dishdasha"|
|Capital||Possibly Mumbai or Cairo.. or Mars|
|Largest city||US Base (Population: 5 Million American Troops.. w/Guns and Beer)|
|Official language(s)||Muslimist, Capitalist(American accent)|
|Government||The "If-You're-not-Kuwaiti-or-Western=GoFuckYourself" Government|
|Hope 'n' Change|
|National hero(es)||"Justin Bieber, Joseph Stalin"|
|Currency||Oil, the reason Americans give a shit|
During the 1920's, King Geoffery of Cornwall sent a group of explorers to map the Great Arabia. These men found what is now known as Kuwait (Pronounced "Q-ATE, Or "Quaverzz" unless you're American, then it's KWAIT)
In 1956, the British and Bolivian governments agreed to split Kuwait and take half each. The Bolivians took the southern half which is now known as Saudi Arabia. The British got what we now know as Kuwait. In 1961, there was an uprising by the local families. This became known as the 1-Day War and the British lost control of the country.
Recently, Kuwaiti Minister for Paper clip Management started a movement calling for Kuwait to be given independence from the rest of the World. Backed by such political heavyweights as Gary Glitter, Rick Astley and Rik Waller, he is expected to be successful. As one commentator recently noted, "Kuwait is like another planet anyway".
Kuwait shares its border with 9 countries, including a small island that is known for exporting yellow plastic. In 1976, Kuwait signed a treaty with 3 countries called The Treaty of Good Thinking, which promoted cultural and sexual ties between the 4 countries.
OIL.. I'VE FOUND BLOODY OIL!
These were the words spoken as Shakira Shakira (The Prime Minister of Kuwait at the time) announced to parliament the discovery of oil under Kuwait. It was 1954 and the recent discovery was to change life for all Kuwaitis...
Kuwait is now estimated to be floating on approximately 97% of the worlds extra virgin olive oil. This is sold throughout the world to consumers for approximately US$980 a barrel.
I'm RICH, bitch!"
Kuwaitis are said to boast the highest annual average personal income in the world. This is partly due to large oil revenues being 'equally' divided amongst citizens. This division of wealth is achieved using an extremely complex series of calculations known as the "One for you, ten for me" method.
As a result of their wealth, Kuwaiti women are known to buy an average of 9,850 new outfits per month. Favourite 'designers' include Diior, Guccie, Armeni and Preda. All of these 'genuine' items are available from local boutiques for the price of a Pepsi.
Men are less interested in fashion and only go shopping once a year, to buy a Chelsea/Manchester United/Manchester City/Barcelona/Real Madrid/Juventus/AC Milan/Inter Milan football shirt. These fashions generally cycle every few years, depending on which team is doing well. However, there is a fine line between fashionable and downright stupid-looking. Being Kuwaiti and wearing a Kuwait football shirt will result in hysterical laughter in the streets.
Kuwait has a wide variety of nationalities living as expatriates. They are all paid well, but some live a better life than others. Americans struggle to make ends meet in Kuwait because Reese's Peanut Butter Cup's are extremely expensive. Indians do somewhat better as expatriates because they are able to adapt to the local cuisine. It is not unusual for an Indian family to exist entirely on local specialities such as the unusual Big Mac burger or the Kuwaiti national dish - the Quarter-Pounder with cheese. French expatriates are the most financially secure expatriates as they don't tend to eat. Instead, they survive entirely through strong coffee. This is given out free-of-charge by a local charity called Starbucks who have charity offices every half-mile. Kuwaiti citizens do not need to worry about financial security. This is because they are all given free Nissan Maximas and lifetime passes for Kentucky Fried Chicken by the Minister for Kuwaiti Culture - Sheikh Shakin' Stevens They are also allocated a lifetime supply of Malboro Light cigarettes as soon as they reach the age of 12.
The economy of Kuwait is largely based upon exports of olive oil to the New York School of Illiterate Politicians. There are however, some manufacturing company successes in Kuwait. The most famous of these is the "Kuwait Sand Company" who supply sand to the building industry in Europe.
However, recently, a group of young and aspiring Kuwaitis formed a group in an effort to promote and develop the private business sector in Kuwait. They monopolized the cupcake, juices and make-up industry by employing the entire population of India to aid them in creating a Kuwaiti run monopoly.
One of Kuwait's principal places of higher education is BREEZE university who's slogan is "Life's a BREEZE when you study as you please." Universities such as BREEZE give student's the opportunity to acquire English. This is rather like a disease of sorts that settles in your brain and eats away like a parasite causing the speaker to utter such phrases as "I must go bray in the barking lot" and "at what time is the barty?", "I have new Mercedes and private abartment - you must come for sex for me for tonight."
One of Kuwait's other big exports is 'wasta.' Wasta is similar to rasta - a modification on hair designs like corn rows or mohawks. It involves going to a saloon and getting a hair style from the 1980's. Apparently this is in homage to remembering the period before the invasion.
Since the oil isn't going to last forever Kuwait has considered the field of tourism. This is somewhat limited as people are often put off by the fearsome Ministry of Interror staff who are all wired into a leviathan of a communication network called a mobile phone hands free kit.
The Medical School in Kuwait is very modern and usually staffed by ivy-league American Professors who came seeking a better salary, more perks and Filipino slaves, err, I mean maids. The course is taught in English and the books used are the same ones used in the Western world. However, since Kuwait is an Islamic nation the ethical duties of a doctor are subverted. No longer does the Hypocratic oath matter but Islamic Sharia is dominant. For example, a Popular clinical exam station is to take a history from a patient with symptoms of an STD. The management plan instead of medication usually involves mutilation of their genital organs. And if this STD was contracted by adultery or infidelity then the management plan is death by toppling a building over said offender. Another example would be a station with an acute presentation of wrist laceration following a deliberate self harm attempt. Owing to the Islamic culture of society, and the Kuwaiti constitution -after the amendments proposed by the salafi MP "Al-Mazyoon"-, suicide is considered illegal. Therefore, The management would be restraining the patient in a room at the top of a tower, and drive a plane into his sorry-ass, under local anesthetic. Thank You and Good day.
Kuwait has an inhabitable climate for snakes, with excessively hot during the winter months, with temperatures reaching 70 degrees Celsius. However, this drops to minus 20 during the last two weeks of July each year. Little is known about this dramatic drop in temperature, but it is now believed by some to be a result of Global Cooling.
Things to do
Main activities that take place in Kuwait are: Wandering aimlessly about in malls, driving aimlessly around on Gulf Road, sitting aimlessly in Starbucks for 3 hours watching everyone watching you, racially abusing Asian labourers, watching camels humping, watching sheep humping, watching rabbits humping etc.
Another favourite activity amongst young Kuwaiti men and women is a game called 'Death Chase'. This is similar in nature to the western game of 'Kiss Chase' which is played by 7-year olds. However, the Kuwaiti version involves attempting to get some vague sense of acknowledgement from girls in cars, whilst weaving through traffic and hopefully causing a fatal accident. The girls must then pretend to be shy, then crash their car into a palm tree at high speed. The young men can then drive home, sexually frustrated - and pray to Allah - for better luck next time.
Another favourite pastime in Kuwait is football, or soccer as it is known in the USA. Although it is a small country, Kuwait has a great love of all things football-related. There is a thriving industry that generates millions of Dinars every year during a 7-day period known as "Glory Hunter Week". During this time, cars across the country are subtly stripped of last season's Chelsea/Manchester United/Manchester City/Barcelona/Real Madrid/Juventus/AC Milan/Inter Milan stickers if they did not win the league. Once clear of any evidence of having supported a non-winning team, they are replaced with stickers of the previous seasons winners.
Kuwait's future looks uncertain. As the oil is drained from beneath, the country is slowly sinking. By 2033, Kuwait will sink below sea level. Although this will prove disastrous for the country's oil business, it should be a bonanza for the sand business. A spokesman for the Kuwait Sand Company recently commented, "It's alright mate—we'll just have to roll our trousers up."