“Honestly, is this an Arab country, or is this bloody Bangladesh?”
“There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is being talked about in Oman”
افنستان اسلاميجمهورية مصر العربية جمهوریت جمهورية السودان ايران سلطنة عُمان جمهورية العراق
The Soviet Islamic Sultanate of Oman
|Motto: 'At least here, we don't have airstrike like yemen'|
|Anthem: We Will Conquer You(a.k.a we will invade yemen some sunny day)|
|Official language(s)||[[Malaysia |Martian French]]|
|National hero(es)||Alex DeLarge, Anyone who's ever kicked a Dubai-ite, Snixy the Hilarious Chihuahua|
|22 June, 824 AD|
|Currency||Crude Oil |
Sand Dollars Cameltoes
|Religion||Semen or Scientology. It's one or the other mate.|
The island nation of Oman has a rich history peppered with Yemenite conflict, sparked by Yemeni dictators from Hampshire. When time began, Oman was originally called QuaQua, which etymologists believe has a meaning hidden in ancient Arabic. Currently QuaQua is believed to mean "The place where dreams bugger off." Others believe that it's name comes from the old kingdom of Oman and the dominion of the Venusians. The definition holds the same. The Venusians didn't hold the Omanians in very high regard due to there massive noses. The Citizens of Oman didn't understand this until in ad 823, they gained similar size noses. A revolt began and lasted exactly 6 days. After which, some hero invented a fat bong. In 824 AD, the citizens of Oman had enough dope in their land to trade with the Venusians and pacify their population, and a peace declaration was signed between the Venusians and the Omanites.
Oman is one of many countries in the world that doesn't begin with the letter W, otherwise it would have been 'Woman' and not Oman. Their proposals to replace foreign workers with locals would then be called 'Womanization'. The person undertaking this work would be a 'Womanizer', a job much more meaningful than it sounds.
Ninth Century to Present Day - The Rock All Period
Absolutely nothing happened in Oman for many centuries following the armistice agreement. Or at least nothing all that interesting. Except for that thing at the palace with the goats, Winona Ryder and the six-hundred choir boys. Now that's a good story. Oh boy, is that a good story...
Many have theorized as to why very little happens in Oman. Some point to Astrology for answers. They are twats. However, scientists with brains larger than a Pisces' Triplicity (cf. Astrological Double-Entendres) recently found a correlation between atmospheric Duh'lithium and the amount of excitement in a given area. They say that Oman's unusually low levels of Duh'lithium contribute to its disappointing lack of parties and stuff happening. Other, less scientific scientists have stated simply and plainly, after much research that: "Mostly nothing happens because the country is in the middle of the desert." They might have a point.
In the 1700s, Oman experienced a series of Gay Wars. Contrary to general opinion, this meaning is literal, in fact meant to mean: 'Wars That Are Gay' not 'Wars Waged by Gays'. People often refer to the wars when discussing Oman's history, they say, "Do you remember those wars?" and people reply, "Yeah, they were really gay." Suspiciously enough, there are no gay people in Oman. According to 100% guaranteed accurate historical record, they were wiped out. Ironically, during one of the Gay Wars. They destroyed themselves in a tragic struggle which broke out between out of work transvestites and Sean Kingston fans. Mr. Kingston was, at the time, a noted freedom fighter/singer-songwriter, however at a rally/cash-in concert, he forgot all his words and was quickly guillotined by a man in drag. Enraged by what they saw, Sean Kingston fans everywhere rose up and started to kill transvestites. Both sides were utterly destroyed in the ensuing twenty year conflict. This is the reason why there are absolutely, 100%, no questions asked, totally, totally, unequivocally, no homosexuals in Oman. At all. Honestly.
The Gay Wars were, disappointingly, overtly heterosexual in nature and involved a considerable numbers of jokes about tits and were in fact the originating circumstance for the "Curvy Khanjar in to a Straight Sheath" shaggy dog story, later made famous by Billy Halliday.
Someone once tried to make a movie about the Gay Wars, called 'Gay Wars'. Unfortunately, he was a moron. Therefore, he was killed, burnt and had his ashes scattered throughout this Uncyclopedia article. His ghost still haunts its pages, making annoying, badly formatted edits and deliberate spelling mistakes. You have been wurned...
Quite recently, Omani archaelogypsies unearthed an iPod that was sucessfully carbon dated to two-hundred years in the future. Different music and video files from the iPod were analysed and produced some startling facts. Miscellaneous items included that Season Ten of House will feature Alec Guinness's beard as a guest disease, scientists in Oklahoma will produce a guitar capable of self-awareness and musical taste. As such, it will kill itself when it is forced to play anything by Lilly Allen. Also notable is the discovery that Jediism will become the world's dominant religion, Hugh Jackman will be canonized by the Mormons and the shocking revelation that Bruce Willis was not actually dead the whole time.
However the most interesting discovery by far is that Oman will be the first country to make contact with extraterrestrial intelligence. At an undefined point in the future, the Vulcans will take a wrong turn at the moon and wind up in Oman. They will make contact and as such Sultan Pep'ur will become the head of trade agreements between humans and Vulcans. Oman will then begin its own Galactic Federation that will cover vast areas of the universe. America will be very jealous.
Notable Battles in the Oman Intergalactic Federation's History
- The invasion of Defenceless Alpha
- The major offensive on Pacifist 9
- The conquest of the uninhabited desert planets in the Unfashionable Sector
- The long protracted war with Some Guys
- The Sultan's battle with the wife over the 'tin opener'
- The Kettlewell Offensive
- The Kettlewell Not So Offensive
- The Kettlewell Only Slightly Offensive
- The Kettlewell Not Really At All Offensive
- The Genocide of the Invisible, Silent, Completely Undetectable Warrior Horde
- The Dis-Art-Ickle Iznot Offensive
- The Omega 3 Defensive (My battle with cholesterol)
- The battle for the film rights for the war
- The battle of the bands
Is This All BS?
Some people have postulated the question as to whether the information attained from this iPod is valid. Some people have pointed out that it seems strange that an iPod would carry so much valuable historical and military data. Others have further suggested that is impossible to carbon date something to the future due to the nature of the degenerative half life of the carbon isotope used in carbon dating. These arguments have been dismissed on the grounds of 'boring'.
However, the question still remains as to the fact that the whole phenomenon could be a hoax, and as such the concerned scientific and political communities in Oman have all been shot in order to stop this line of questioning. The Sultan is very pleased that the Vulcans will be visiting and has prepared a spare-room at the palace for them. It is furnished with a water-bed, two easy chairs, a table made of ivory, a faux-1960s leopard skin rug and Zac Efron. Zac Efron is property of the Sultan and will be a gift to the Vulcans when they arrive.
“What do you mean a basket of fruit? Where's the originality in that?”
Oman subsisted on the export of strawberry flavoured bubblegum and pixie stix for close to five thousand years, both of which were naturally produced by the mountains surrounding the hippie concentration camps in the North. The hippies (who were left over from a John Lennon concert they thought they saw when high) mined the pixie stix and bubblegum and packaged it ready for export in the specially prepared camps. Although the hippies were slaves, Oman did not violate any Geneva Protocols as the hippies were too zoned out to notice.
“After the concert we figured we'd just wait around till Simon and Garfunkel came on”
The Collapse of the Strawberry Industries
However in the summer of 1969 when the present ruler came to power, the hippies (or rather the nintieth generation descendants of the hippies) were freed and told to get lost. The Sultan was planning to import kangaroos to restart the mining operations, but a terrorist attack by the Australian National Bestial Freedom Front destroyed all mine constructs and equipment. Although rebuilding of the mines was technically possible, no one can be arsed.
The Rise of the Francesco Triad
The Francesco Triad emerged shortly after the destruction of the Bubblegum mines. They quickly purchased the land that once housed the hippies and turned it in to an actor production plant. They specialized in the production of cheap knock-offs of big name Hollywood stars for underground trafficking to no-name movie production companies that could not afford the fees of proper actors. Some of their least famous creations include Patrick Stewort, Hugh Jackmin and Bruce Wallis. To this day The Francesco Triad has produced close to 16,000,000 false actors. They're operation is illegal, however due to some photos they have of Pingu in his 'wild days' they have been able to keep the United Nations under control. The only time they came close to prosecution was during the filming of the Worner Brothers picture 'Die Herd', when Bruce Willis was accidently hired instead of Bruce Wallis. When the film flopped and Willis demanded payment far beyond the finances of the studio they reffered him to Aakash Francesco, head of the Francesco Actor's Guild (FAG). Francesco was taken to court by Willis, but Willis agreed to drop the charges after Aakash Francesco kidnapped his spaniel Mittens and threatened to turn him in to a porcupine. No one has dared bring a charge against them since.
“I heard his voice on the phone, he sounded so scared. His father was eaten by a porcupine, you know.”
It was recently rumoured that the Francesco Triad has started fencing Acting Drugs in the USA. These are drugs that aid in the learning of lines, general performance, monologuing and comic timing. Side effects include: erectile dysfunction, hair loss and Richard the Third syndrome, which causes the sufferer to stoop, grow a hump and constantly mutter "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse."
There are a small number of educational establishments in Oman all of which teach druidic law, cattle rustling and Ewokese. ABA (American British Academy) is by far the largest and likes to show this off whenever possible, usually by staging rallies. These rallies usually involve blood sacrifice and ritual chanting of the school's song, an Acid Funk remix of 'My Darling Clementine' accompanied on the armpit and mouth organ by resident musician and house elf, Randall 'Jungle Boy' Heathcliffe. The school has a 45% survival rate. Noted war criminals General Chris McKerosene and General Lucas Da Saybe are rumoured to be the individuals who spawned these odd events back in the sixtieth century (AD and/or BC), or so the theory of Dr. Quenlin Reedle (noted Dentist, scat musician and Animorph reject) postulates.
A common misconception is that TAISM (The American International School Muscat) is the second largest educational institute, it is in fact an American colony slowly taking over Oman inch by inch. It recruits its students by sending vans out to the villages and lobotomising their residents. They are subsequently driven to Ras al Boot Camp and trained in simple infiltration techniques and arms manufacture. After two weeks they are shipped to the main camp which poses as a school campus. It is in fact an Airport through which air to surface bombings are mounted. These are constantly covered up by the American Embassy, written off as potato cannon misfires. It is estimated that TAISM will cover nine tenths of Oman within the next five years. Once Oman is officially annexed it will be turned in to a giant penguin reserve and John McCain's holiday home. The British School is the second largest school in Oman, but is of no interest whatsoever as it only has three pupils, all of which are mutant hybrids which fatally explode at the age of eight. This is due to genetic experiments carried out by the school's former commandant/head farmer General Tibs 'Rusty Deadfish' Tibbons. Rusty Deadfish was assassinated in 2009 by spies trained at TAISM.
There aren't many animals in Oman and most of them are as thick as two planks of wood strapped to a village idiot. Animals in Oman have always been spoilt, ever since the sixth century when the Sultan's wife gave birth to a son resembling a goat. Because of this all animals are now revered as Regal icons and so are often bought big muscle car and expensive mobile phones, while the family's real children are killed and eaten at holy festivals. Some of these animals are even given government positions. Due to the soft treatment of animals in Oman, their average intelligence has declined dramatically and has led to a rise in animal gang violence. Many animals now travel around the city in their Hummers, playing terrifyingly bad psycho-tribal-thrice-remixed-rap music through ridiculously expensive speaker systems. Once they have paralysed their victims they proceed to brutalise them and, in the case of girls, take them home and marry them afterwards. The animals are protected from prosecution by regal law and as such the Francesco Triad has been employing them to conduct drug deals and supervise the transportation of their knock-off actors. It is estimated that 45% of drug deals in the Middle East take place with an Omani Oryx or Common Goat present.
The people of the region converted to Islam during Muhammad's lifetime. By the middle of the eighth century, they were practicing a unique brand of the faith, Behaq'Ulilsm, a sect highly influenced by the religion of their former leaders. Their false version of the Qu'ran recounts the story of the country's rise to power. The film version of this story, entitled The Breakfast Club, became a major success in North American pop culture in the 1980's.
Dark Magic Theory
For the last several hundred years, Oman has been shrouded in a large tetrahedron-shaped enclosure of dark magic, and has limited the amount of news being released from the country. Oman can be seen as the crown jewel of Saudi Arabia, most people who have visited believe this statement is absolute rubbish.
Oman has recently given up on Islam. After a millennium and a bit of what can only be described as 'mixed reviews', they have become disillusioned with their long-standing religion of choice. As such, they have made the decision to start a new religion in the hope of finding greater critical acclaim. Count Hildegard Belushi, former Illuminatus and acid jazz singer, has been put in charge of an institute in Oman dedicated to producing a new, more effective religion.
“Belushi? Yeah, he's a total count.”
The research so far has come to determine that the most efficient faith would have to be based on those little black bits you sometimes find in Frosties. The whole crux of the research suggests that these little black bits are actually divine manifestations of the lord Tigris Tonius and the prophet Neslog. As such, whenever you find one you should put in a jar and then tie the jar to some weights and throw it in to the ocean, where the jar will sink until the pressure becomes so great that the glass cracks and the black Frosty-bit is released into the sea-water. Whereupon it will manifest itself, or something else that's pretty funky.
When an official church is finally established, regular services and congregations will be held under water.
Tom Cruise has already expressed an interest in the religion, choosing to invest his left arm in the new faith. The money gained from eBay-ing his arm has paid for a team of writers to start preparing a religious text for Hildegard's new faith.
“And lo, Tonius looked down upon his kingdom. And he thought it grrrrrrreat!”
Things You Didn't Know About Oman
- It exists
- No Really, it Does
- Have I Ever Lied to You?
- It is the world's leading producer of 'Boring', a drug that dulls the senses, lowers IQ and creates strange hair dis-colouration while heightening the user's ability to play pool and eat pizza
- It is home to the world's funniest stuffed chihuahua
- It invented bits of Australia
- It doesn't know how to pronounce banal either
- It once appeared in an episode of Monty Python
- It can't be arsed
- It can't finish a
- It knows the meaning of life, but won't tell anyone
- It knows how every film is going to end and tells everyone before hand
- It claps loudly in the cinema... and the cinema never plays illegally downloaded movies
- It does not support internet censorship or [REMOVED] and [BY], or [OMANTEL]
- It built the first working bagpipe
- It loves you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much
- It's official website is 
- A strange Welshian actor, whose name no one knows, lives in Oman. He is a comedian and an amatuer pornstar/ant trainer/capitalist pig. He lives in a cave, maybe.
Sultan Pep'ur - An Editorial
There is much that can be said about the fine works of Oman's rich, powerful and impressive Sultan. But rarely is much said of his private life. However, recently a charming biographic article was published by "Boots" Miller of the Times, and in it's closing lines it sums up the almighty Sultan in these words:
"Sultan Pep'ur, is the best thing to happen to Oman since unleavened Arabic Pita bread. Among his hobbies of net-ball, Super Bingo and Sailors... sorry, I meant sailing, Pep'ur is also a baker of sorts. In his spare time he loves to bake his world-renowned pastry sandwich. This involves placing his breadstick between two warm buns and baking vigorously. In Oman, people with red Ferraris and a Rolexes have often had their buns baked by the Sultan. It is just one more in a long line of testaments to his commitment to the men, women and men of his nation."
Miller has recently been accepted as Senior Editor of the Jyllands-Posten newspaper in Denmark. It is said that he is already planning a worldwide publicity campaign for the magazine, targeting mainly the Middle East and Islamic communities.
“No one will forget what we're doing next...”
|Parts of this article were originally sporked from the Laos article.|