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Republic of TIE w-a-a-n
No, NOT Thailand, TAIWAN!
Imperial.jpg Imperial emblem.svg
Flag Coat of Arms
USA! USA! USA!.png
Capital Taipei
Largest city Taipei
Official language(s) Hakka
Government Don't even ask!
President Tsai Ing-wen
National hero(es) Bill "Micro" Gates, Michael "Kid" Jackson, Sun Yat-sen
Currency pretty red and blue pieces of paper
Religion All the same looneys as everywhere else but in different percentages

Taiwan (Chinese: TIE-w-a-a-n) is an island of 23 million people and 25 million 7-Elevens. It is roughly the same size as Holland and, just like Amsterdam, it's crawling with hookers, if you know where to find them. Other inhabitants include cheeky kids and goofy teenagers. Cheeky kids will spend hours scouring the streets for a Caucasian so that they can say, "Hello". When the foreigner responds with the same greeting the cheeky kid says,"Fuck you!" to the white guy. In contrast the goofy teenagers will just say, "Hello!" to the foreigner and then laugh at their own sophisticated wit until they wet themselves.


It's in Asia. It's an island. There are mountains and lakes and stuff. What else do you want to know?

Political Parties[edit]

Taiwan has 5000 major parties in its government. Each one is strange in its own special way, but all of them get funding from The-Europeans-living-in-Antarctica-working-in-Fashion jobs-named-Stein Association.

The parties are as follows:

  • KMT (Keep Money out of Taiwan) Party: This is by far the smallest of the parties that exist on the island. It advocates the reannexation of China with Taiwan taking over as the leaders of China. This was the leading party until most of the members fled abroad with cash stuffed suitcases.
  • DPP (Don't do Political Party): This is the largest party in Taiwan. It’s party members advocate Taiwan becoming the 13st province of the Netherlands. This is the current political party that rules Taiwan. It won over the KMT by 3001 votes.
  • New Party: This is the joke party in Taiwan: Any party that calls itself the NEW party must be consist of the world’s largest group of zombies. This basically defines the party. They advocate Taiwan becoming an dependent colony so it can make its own passports rather than smuggling them from China and erasing the “Taiwan” with black marker pens.

Taipei 101[edit]

A giant phallus offered for the gratification & impregnation of the great sky goddess

The capital Taipei (臺北) is famous for Taipei 101 (臺北101), which in fact is not a skyscraper but a giant sex toy with a single large, artificial testicle called a Damper Baby. It is intended to provide gratification to the great sky goddess and to impregnate her in the hope that she will, in turn cause a smoother ride for the residents of Taiwan when a so called earthquake occurs. She would then curb the need to drown many of the people of Taiwan that the locals like to call Typhoons. Since none of the people in Taiwan can swim, these are the most deadly events to happen in Taiwan. Once impregnated by Taipei 101 the sky goddess will hopefully leave the Taiwanese people alone to tend to her child's needs for another eighteen years and nine months.


The official language is giggling. Lispy gay Mandarin is spoken by the local Japanese but only to themselves when out of earshot of any other person. Gargling mouthwash sometimes referred to as "Taiwanese" is used as a lingua franca for shouting across the street by the aboriginal inhabitants, who came over from China last week in a tour group.


Some crowded smelly den of thieves in Taipei, which, for some bizarre reason, everyone in Taiwan thinks should be a major tourist attraction.

Taiwan is protected by three layers of defense: the first line of defense is known as "hao ke ai" this is shouted at a high pitch to stun and distract you to render you motionless. The second line consists of drivers whose viciousness is such that they often knock you over before you know. Also integral to Taiwan’s defense are professors who often engage each other in feet to feet combat utilizing techniques such as the ever popular “kicking bird style” which involves kicking before a TV camera and spitting at pitches low enough to shatter steel and the eardrums of anyone faraway.

Many Taiwanese are also trained in the karaoke style of combat, which involves emanating noises terrible enough to repel any enemy.

Another notable weapon of choice for Taiwan is the technologically advanced food trucks. These trucks patrol the streets from dusk until dawn and have the capability of keeping the air in Taiwan polluted.

Taiwan has had several major clashes with China over the past 4000 years. Although every one of them was very serious, there were three recorded "approaches" by China in an attempt to win it back which are worth mentioning. They are as follows:

1949: The Perfect Two Year War: This war, as the name implies, lasted for two years. Chinese troops began the invasion at 9’clock in the night, but by dawn, the troops decided to swim back. The next year they vowed that they would bring a real army to the shore.

1953: The One Day Stroke: With a built up navy (1 smuggling boat and a pedal), China decided to launch a D-Day type attack on Taiwan this day. They launched the attack on Dec. 45th and the operation was aborted when a day later on Dec. 50th the China navy reached the coasts of Canada.

2009: The Betel Nut War: One horny Chinese guy with a wad of money mistook Taiwan for Thailand and unsuccessfully tried to get laid. Failing this and almost winding up in prison, he chewed more betel nuts than any human in history in an effort to see pretty girls in skimpy outfits. Diplomatic efforts failed miserably and the Chinese are introduced to permanently stained, red teeth.

International relations[edit]

As this picture shows, almost everyone in Taiwan is happy when South Korea is being attacked and people of an organization which opposes the capital punishment are being intimidated, because justice always wins, and most of the hard-working, upright and righteous Taiwanese folks always know what justice is.

Taiwan doesn't really have any, thanks to China. The only places that acknowledge Taiwan exists are a few Third World countries whose loyalty is bought with cash.


Opponents of Capital Punishment, and people who watch Korean dramas, learn to speak Korean and/or use Korean products are bullying most of the hard-working, upright and righteous Taiwanese folks. Just ask them.