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Mswati III is King of man-boobs and gut-buckets.
Swaziflag.jpg Bananashit.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Swazi warriors, unite! And now, jump off the cliff!"
Anthem: Sunshine Always
Capital The King's Hat
Official language(s) Growls, squeals of pain, pidgin English
Government Dictatorship
Absolute Monarch Mswati III
Major exports Blood, AIDS, millet

The Promised Kingdom of Swaziland (pronounced "Swayze-land") is an enclave surrounded by South Africa, somewhere near the middle of nowhere. It is now being rebranded as 'eSwatini' in the hope Apple will invest and turn it into a country for e-commerce.

King Mswati III is the absolute ruler of the kingdom. It is a developing country run by the King and his relatives. It is listed as a bad place if you want a democratic republic.


Swaziland gained independence from the British Empire in a tragic misunderstanding in 1968, a result of the false claim that the Swazi people were endangered. In fact, they were Somali extras in a small patch of northeast South Africa, like most other African nations, trying to achieve a blissful life under a tyrannical dictatorship. Those hopes were the Crown Prince's toilet brush. After a few protests, the former resistance fighter and porn star established an absolute monarchy, pompous and regal like Kate and Willam, but in all other respects a dictatorship.

The Swazi people did not protest, as those who did were beaten into silence. Sobhuza II dismissed Parliament and made his family the legislature (the youngsters managed the power business). As Sobhuza had 20 wives and 600 children, there was always a quorum.

After eternal wrangling, Sobhuza's son Mswati III became king. He struggled against AIDS and other inconveniences, survived companies like Microsoft withdrawing over apartheid in South Africa, and survived his countrymen's desire for actual democracy. Mswati increased the average hourly wage of a worker to 3 cents, and gifted himself additional BMWs to celebrate, making his fleet as full as his bed.

Today's Swaziland, despite superficial moves toward secularism, remains a typical small African despotism. It boasts an average of eighty births per woman, but is still in danger of extinction, as isolated from the outside world as a depressive cockroach. The economy remains negligible, but the royal livery, and national illiteracy and mortality, are wonderfully high. The people are amused by the king tormenting dissenters, gays, and anyone else who annoys him. Swaziland sets an example for other rich dictators. The only thing it lacks is a nuclear program. Unfortunately, observers sent to Chernobyl, Russia never reported back.


Swaziland's entire economy consists of:

  • A handful of farmers who really only feed the King's family, and perhaps their own
  • A national subsidiary of Coca-Cola
  • An oil refinery, except that the homeless destroyed it
  • A condom factory, until the King banned the product. No kidding.

Foreign banking abandoned Swaziland after the King made everyone rich by making goat dung the official currency, but the resultant lack of movement in the currency has caused ‘a temporary adjustment to solvency’.[1] The exchange rate of the Swazi turd has also meant a capital drain on the economy – the turd is only exchangeable for Zimbabwe dollars, which are not exchangeable for anything – Swaziland won’t even take them.

The official currency is the lilangeni, divided into 100 cents, but multiplied into the emalangeni for some African reason. As of this typing, it is worth approximately R1 ($US0.08) but is only accepted for goat turds or at gunpoint, so why bother?

Credit is almost unknown in the country, because only the King has realisable assets, principally wives. The wife was introduced as a form of legal tender in Swaziland in 1961, in competition to the East African shooting. Swaziland is unique in Africa in having a currency that is no longer accepted in its country of origin, apart from Zimbabwe dollars, which are not accepted in the course of normal transactions and have to be backed with human organs. Southern African business degrees always have a class on ‘fiduciary organs’ which are usually soused livers and heisted kidneys from Mombasa.

Tourists are advised not to accept wives as exchange as they depreciate quickly. On August 1, 2023, the King announced a new currency, the eSwatini kripto, a currency only traded online and backed by witchcraft.

The economic outlook for Swaziland looks promising. The only way is up (baby) and the King has a fair few plans curdling away in his royal brain. Swaziland has so many dung-producing mammals there should be no shortage of currency. The King has wives from various foreign countries, but this is understood to be on a rolling lease paid by Coca-Cola.[2]


AIDS is endemic in Swaziland; oldsters randomly die and children are wiped out like bacteria. The King's response is twofold: Claim that this turn of events is simiply God's wrath; and deny it entirely.

The King[edit]

King Mswati III is always surrounded by Amazonian bodyguards. Amazon itself does not contribute to this force.

The king is the most powerful element in Swaziland. Anyone who mentions his use of coercion, the infantry kills mercilessly, masterfully confirming and removing the complaint at the same time. The king has a fleet of BMWs, as numerous as taxis in London. His fortune is estimated at $200 billion, or one thousand times the gross national product. The king meets with dictators around the world who enjoy target practice on the homeless. He also owns 200 women. If he were not king, it is hard to see how he would have even one.


The official sport in Swaziland is pregnancy. Competitors race to impregnate more virgins than the king, who holds the record with a staggering 300 children and 55 wives. The only person who has come close is Jacob Zuma, with 274 children and 42 wives, despite allegedly showering with Julius Malema.

The Swaziland national team competed in the Olympic Games 2024/2026, the FIFA World Cup 2026 and the Sex Festival in 2022, but did not place highly due to the need to keep replacing the athletes.

Ranking among nations[edit]

AIDS rate


98 %



South Africa


United States


North Korea

0,1%[Note 1]


-0,2%[Note 2]

"Suicides in police custody" by government opponents 2011



North Korea





182,5[Note 3]



United States



(A drunken polar bear)

Deaths per 1000 inhabitants 2011








56[Note 4]



United States



(A drunken penguin)

  1. Only one: Kim Jong-il's gay brother
  2. It purchased the statistic to be trendy, so it is counted as a debit.
  3. The 0,5 is the dog of a regime critic who disappeared accidentally.
  4. Includes 52 vodka corpses


  1. Mandela, N & W. “Swaziland as a Model for Economic Cooperation and Ordure” ‘’Journal of African Waste Management’’ (1993)
  2. Friedman, M. ‘’Afronomics: The Way Countries Used to Work’’ Durban, Klikiti-Clique Publishing, 2017

See also[edit]