Falkland Islands

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The Falkland Islands, or Islas Malvinas
Flag of the Falkland Islands.svg
Coat of arms of the Falkland Islands.svg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: I'll talk to them, but I'm not walking out — I'm not surrendering to the bloody Argies, certainly not!
Official language(s) Esperanto
‑ President Rex Hunt
 of Independence
no data
Currency Pound (lb)
Religion Thatcherism
Population 17, many sheep & twice as many soldiers
GDP Per Capita $200
Sex 23
Special abilities None
National sport(s) Penguin-chasing
Internet TLD .fk.

We should have inherited them from the Spanish and, and, and, they found oil. Waaa!

~ Argentina, explaining about the Falklands to the UN

“We don’t care if it would make considerably more geographical sense for them to belong to Argentina. They’re ours, because we say so.”

~ Britain on sovreignty of the Falkland Islands

The Falkland Islands (pronounced fuck-land) is the name of several small islands off the coast of South America. They are widely considered to be useless.


The Falkland Islands were first settled by British explorers — the pirates of her majesty — in the 18th century although the islands had been first discovered and marked on maps by various other countries (including Microsoft, Stanistan, and Neptune) some two hundred years earlier. It is believed in Argentina that Spanish sailors discovered the islands first. However, all this neglects the existence of the native Falklandanianeristanian population of three people, seventy-four ducks, and 337 billion Greeks that were already living there. In the ensuing years the Spanish also invaded the islands; at which point the French promptly surrendered and returned to France to lick their wounds and eat cheese (again). Encouraged; the Spanish went on to drive out British settlers and take control of the islands. Shortly afterwards the Spanish realized why their opponents had given up so readily and returned to Spain. In the following years Argentina established their Incontrovertible claim of sovereignty on the basis that the islands used to be owned by Spain and so did Argentina, therefore the islands belonged to Argentina. Argentine leaders did have to concede however that equal claims were possessed on this basis by Morocco, India, the Republic of Ireland, Australia, America, Canada, Germany and most of the rest of the world. Since 1980, it has been a regular host to the British-Argentine games (football and rugby excluded). Argentina has come in second place every time, except in duck-shooting, football, rugby, basketball, hockey and every sport the pirates invented but failed to have any success in (except when the game is played on their soil, when they have the chance to buy off all Refs) but were disqualified for using a French shooter.

The war[edit]

Main article: Falklands War

This was started, rather simply, by a flag. Yes, a flag, as usual. Some Argentine shit-dealers, convinced that there was a very, very large amount of useless scrap metal on the southern Falkland island, landed and set up the Argentine flag. In the middle of nowhere.

First contact[edit]

The first sentient being to notice was an ever-vigilant member of the Falkland sheep population, who ran at once to notify the Falklanders of this potential minor inconvenience. The Falklanders asked very politely for the flag to be taken down, seeing as this wasn't Argentinian soil. Despite the gesturing — which even the most retarded chav would decipher as "please initiate the procedure whereby the forces of gravity may gently take that flag to the ground" — the Argentinians did nothing, responding with the typical Spanish "Eh?"

The accident[edit]

The situation nearly turned ugly when a Falklander accidentally blew the head off one of the scrap dealers with a 12-gauge shotgun. Apart from the person who committed this mildly unfortunate incident, no one noticed, as all attention was upon a staring contest between members of the two parties present. The inhabitants had managed to trick the scrap dealers into the contest, promising that if they won the flag could remain. (Falklanders are famed for their phenomenal staring capabilities, believed to have been learned from the sheep.) The remains of the now headless scrap dealer were hosed into the nearest drain, where a museum honouring the wielder of the shotgun has been set up. (£1.00 entrance fee.)

Casus Belli[edit]

After the stains had been washed away, one of the Argentinians made a excuse and disappeared behind a bush. A Falklander heard a quiet trickling noise, and realised that the scrap dealer was urinating on British soil, an incomprehensible act of war. This drove the Falklanders to very firmly ask the Argentinians to leave, and come back as paying tourists if they so desired.

This X-ray was used as evidence against Steve at his court-martial.

An unsung hero[edit]

Captain Steve Dunn was responsible for capturing a goose (that was) green all by himself. This was mistaken for the settlement due to his drunken state at the time. He paid for his scallywagging when he returned to the SAS barracks and collapsed on the floor. Two of his comrades then took it upon themselves to stitch two fingers they had found on an Argentinian hand onto Captain Dunn's hand. After the conflict ended he was court-martialed for "thievery of hostile fingers [and] quite literally sticking two fingers up at the Geneva convention". He then had a brief career as a porn star called Five Fingers Malone. This job soon ended when he realised the job was neither thrift store nor chess based. He now delivers mail around the streets of Norfolk where he has managed to integrate with the majority inbred residents. He earns extra money by throwing letters into letter boxes like Chinese throwing stars and selling his answer phone message: "Alright I'm from Birmingham but I live in Norfolk. I've got ten fingers. Please leave a message after the tone."

"Argies" behaving badly[edit]

During the 80s the general consensus among the Argentine populace was that life sucked, many Argentinians were complaining about the streets being too wide and that the gauchos were killing off the Argentine native Americans. Galtieri, a great politician and leader sought to end the suffering of the Argentine people. He calculated that the addition of a shitty piece of land off the coast of Argentina known as the "Malvinas" would substantially improve the lives of the Argentine people. While Galtieri assumed the British inhabitants of the Malvinas would not mind being forced off the land considered by many to be useless, he was right, however what he did not expect was that the population of sheep that inhabited the Falklands had other plans. King Leopold of Castelli had also been told by an Irish anglophobe that Thatcher was actually a hippie. He was was actually an American xenophobe who then was busy ticking of some paki-blokes.

At last[edit]

Following failed diplomatic actions to persuade the Argentinians to leave, Lord High Admiral Thatcher sent in the troops. Over two months of Game shoots Argie shoots open warfare, the British forces heroically recaptured the islands, valiantly defeating wave after wave of evil Argentine conscripts.

The war at sea fared much the same, with the British Navy, led by Lord Admiral Sir John Horatio Fieldhouse Nelson, not only sinking the entire Argentine navy, but also securing an unconditional surrender on the part of France.

The air war was also a resounding British victory, with the RAF pilots courageously engaging deadly Argentine 50s aircraft at ranges as close as three nautical miles.

In short, the Argentinians got kerb stomped. Remember that game, Crysis? The one where five nanotech-enhanced ninjas wearing millions of dollars worth of military wet dreams beat up an entire army of Koreans on some shitty little island? It was kinda like that.

The penguins[edit]

In the aftermath of the 1982 conflict, the Falklands slipped out of the public's view, but it has been noticed that they might be trying to cull the very large local penguin population by batting them as far as they can. It is unknown where the inhabitants got the inspiration to do this, but the Internet is the most likely to blame. Completely off-topic and probably untrue, one of Uncyclopedia's largest servers is located in Port Stanley, the capital. I think.

And if you are scared of a nuclear war, where better else to hide? (Apart from Wales. Lovely country.)

The government[edit]

The government consists of sixteen people, a sheepdog called "Puke" and a tea-lady known as "Mavis", mostly because they needed to leave someone out to vote every year. The most pressing political issue of the moment on the Island is whether the large population of oppressed sheep should get a vote.

See also[edit]