Peter Hitchens

“Come off it Peter, aren't your arguments rather potty?”

~ Jeremy Paxman

A born star?

Pedro Juanito Hitchens (born 15 October 1951 [Old Style preferred]), brother of the slime known as Chrissy 'Bad Boy' Hitchens, was off-loaded on the small island of Malta in the Mediterranean Sea to a Royal Navel sea dog father and his wife, but has long attempted to pretend that the United Kingdom is even smaller.

Peter loves to mention how he USED to be a secular leftist but now ISN'T to make it look like he MUST be right now that he has arrived at the position of "right-wing ideological bible loving egoist" (his own words). In reality, Peter will believe whatever he likes to believe, most notably, that the Daily Mail "is not right wing enough".

Education

Keen on corporal punishment from a young age, he attended the University of Yorick 2,000 years ago, where he was very high and learned to rant. At the time he was a member of a far-left group, the International Somnambulists. While at Yorick, where he met his wife, it is alleged he arrived late at a lecture because he was "too busy re-starting evolution", but denies this on the grounds of an absence of fossil evidence and old bones - he hopes.

State and revulsion: another kind of lost leader

Peter started his career in journalism on the Somnambulist's propaganda sheet The Sparkler (aka, Iskrap) a long time after 1917, but he is still moving chronologically backwards in his politics. The Somnambulist's had split from the Posadists some years earlier on the issue of whether flying saucers were evidence of socialism on other planets. J. (Juan) Posadas, the leader of an Argentinian group of Trotskyists really did think this was the case. After leaving the Somnambulists, Peter joined the Layby Party (shortly after starting to work for the DAILY EXPRESS) and later still was a member of the Ginger Conserve Party, but he has now abandoned all hope of finding an existing party which would give him any pleasure.

While a member of the Conserves he unsuccessfully stood against Michael Portillo for a nomination as the Conserve candidate in a by-election, but denied that his objection to Portillo was his flirtation with Marmalade, specifying his politics instead. Petard also claimed that he was the perfect by-election candidate, because this was an election and he was bi. It is this incident which some claim poisoned his attitude to the Conserves. Peter counters this by saying that it was the only time in his life when he was not being "serious".

Career in 'mainstream' journalism

For an extraordinarily long time Peter worked happily for the DAILY EXPRESS, but resigned in the year of our Lord Arthur C. Clarke, when the DAILY EXPRESS was taken over by Richard Desmond, the evil owner of television stations under the influence of intoxicating practices of which the father of three is completely innocent.

Nowadays, he writes for the Mail on Sunday, the brother paper of the Daily Mail edited by Paul Dacre.

Peter describes himself as a traditional ginger conserve who wishes to bring back public executions, rock breaking by prisoners and traditional jam making procedures. Mind you, he still refers to his former membership of the IS to give credibility to his attempts to 'out' people in politics and the media who do not disclose their own 'loony left' past.

Views on education and culture

For Peter current educational standards are inferior to those attainable before the 'Age of Enlightenment'. Not only is he the last person to think the Labour party still pursues 'egalitarian' educational policies, he somehow thinks going on about Harriet Harman's or Diane Abbott's choice of school for their children, some years ago now, is one demonstration of the case for a return to selective education. You see the fact Alan Bennett, son of a butcher, attended grammar school and went up to Oxford is enough proof for Peter to think the old system promoted social mobility.

Television and popular culture is a complete and unnecessary distraction for Peter. He never "knowingly" heard a Michael Jackson recording; Peter lives in his own world too. Peter mistrusts television because he is recognised in the street after appearing on it, but the sinister 'liberal' BBC stop him from broadcasting. If it were not for black and white films looking better on colour television sets, Peter would vigorously campaign for a return to the 405-lines monochrome television service in the United Kingdom.

Their morals and "ours"

An advocate of gun ownership, he probably has significant shareholdings in firms which control private prisons. Guns are solely in the hands of criminals, but people who kill people to supposedly defend their property (Tony Martin) are not really criminals. Whereas once Peter, in the IS, argued in favour of arming the workers as a means of defeating the bosses, he now sees possession of guns as a means of defending Britain from immigrants, Rambo style. Challenged that this seems like tacit support for the BNP, he sees this as a "ludicrous" charge, and comes over all PC.

Women, he argues, should not go out to work; women cannot thus be Conserve MPs and this makes Margaret Thatcher a lefty. He objects to the cliched phrase "chained to the kitchen sink", as a description of his traditional attitudes, as you can never find chains which are strong enough. Despite all this, he is not quite as reactionary about rape as the cod-Leninist Sexist Rapists Party

Sex for Peter should only be practiced by people who are 'committed' and prepared to accept parenthood. Presumably only people in mental hospitals should thus be allowed to reproduce, and then Peter's imaginary world would come into existence. Sex as a wholly private matter supposedly ensure his traditional attitudes can be sustained. Before the 1960s, casual encounters never occurred; people never talked about who was having an affair and people without the "physical equipment" for sexual activity were everywhere. Women too, were not seen with evidence of rampant sexual activity demanded by their husbands: numerous children. Peter attacks "sexual libertarians", but is too peevish to directly refer to whatever he might mean. Publications, like the EXPRESS and the Mail, some years before Peter started to work for them, were not in the habit of exposing people's peccadilloes. Curiously, but probably fortuitously, the press is not in the habit of exposing journalists, just tapping other people's phones.

What is to be Done?

What is wrong and how to begin to put some of it right. In this vein, he considers it imperative the jars of the Ginger Conserve Party should be "smashed", and still shows latent sympathies for Marxist politics; his kind of politics today is still dependent on the established order collapsing, although on camping holidays he is quite good at putting up his own tent. The Prince of Wales, who Peter suspects is his kind of person, should speak out more, though obviously it is hardly possible for HRH to support traditional attitudes towards marriage, Peter's favourite hobby horse. Still, if jug ears did start to speak out more in the way Peter favours, Cameron and everyone else might find it convenient to suggest pensioning off HRH and his family to Cloisters, A Republic is something Peter does not want. Although in that case, he would still claim to be 'right' about the treacherous back sliding conserves who betray the cause.

Peter has attacked David Cameron (born 1966), the current leader of the Ginger Conserve Party, for his lax attitudes on moral issues, including his own former drug use at Eton College. He once caused controversy by claiming that David Cameron and George Osborne were involved in the supply of crack and Thai boys to fellow MPs.

Cameron's abandonment of a return to grammar schools as a Conserve Party policy has been criticised by Peter, and he hopes that no one realises that he advocates 'natural selection' (or 'survival of the fittest') in at least one instance. He objects to the Conserve Party, after the war, pursuing the breakup of the British Empire; if it and the Royal Naval still amounted to something, bad things in the world would be less likely to happen, he believes. The only European power to maintain an overseas empire long after the war was ... the Soviet Union. Is Peter trying to say something in code?

Such is the antipathy that Cameron's party goers now feel for Peter in being a party pooper that he has been forced to publicly deny that he has based his whole life history on the Mrs Iselin character in the novel (and original film version of) The Manchurian Candidate who, while pretending to be very right-wing, is really a sinister commie agent.

Ideal British lifestyle

Like all paleoconservatives, Peter is forever nostalgically pining for a return to the Golden Age of Britain; a time before the universal welfare state, council houses, juvenile delinquency, child-benefits, pensions, American-style chips, nationalized hospitals, trade unions, homosexuals, anaesthetic, denim jeans, and the Relief of the Poor Act of 1782. In those historically-elusive times, everybody lived in picturesque villages in Kent and Surrey. Every village had an Anglican church; an old-fashioned red postbox; a pub called The Yellow Pheasant; and a vicious theocratic school staffed by quintessential, stern, whiskered, mortarboard-wearing sadists, who would send their classes home everyday at 5:30 with blood trickling down the backs of their thighs. Teenager didn't have sex because they weren't told about reproduction until they were 25, upon which they were quickly married. Huge elaborate moustaches were as necessary as trousers for men older than 29, as homosexuals hadn't yet been invented by Trotsky and allowed to annex extravagant facial-hair. Alcohol existed in the form of warm bitters with names like The Ruddy Ox, but drunkenness wouldn't be invented until the 1960s.

Leather bound tomes

Peter has written several paranoid thrillers himself: The Abolition of Libraries, The Abolition of Thin Air, Cannabis Leads to Child Buggery and Help Me I'm In Hell; the former published by a company once responsible for "dirty books" which Hitchens would otherwise doubtless wish to punish hard. His old DAILY EXPRESS columns were anthologized in Monday Morning Amphetamines. Over the last few years, first a novel, then a work on how to change your mind was reported. Next, one on the decline of the Ginger Conserves was in motion, and intended for deposit at the British Library around the time of the next British general election. Instead Peter came up with The Cracked Mirror: How British Politics Long Since Lost Me now available, and The Rage Against Me: Why I am Omnipotent Over Everything which was distributed to every Angrican in 2010. The index of The Cracked Record takes up twenty of the books 224 pages, proportionately a world record.

External winks

• In addition to his Hate on Sunday articles, Peter regularly works over his Wikipedia entry under the name 'Clockback', forgetting that sundials, governed by the movement of a celestial body, always go forward.