Lord Christopher Monckton
MC: "Welcome ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming here. Our speaker needs no introduction, none at all, but I normally give one, and I'm not about to change my style for you lot! Personally I couldn't care less about our speaker, but the writers of this article are forcing me into a bloody impossible situation! So here goes.
"Lord Christopher Monckton, 1st Noble of Benchelly-on-Rind, is the 2nd Uncle of Prince Phillip, and will most probably become King of England unless Her Majesty The Queen lives forever, which is the case thus far. He is an inventor, a non-scientist, and was the former advisor to Dennis Thatcher during the time when Margaret was being a real bitch. He is perhaps best known for being a world-renowned denier, who has successfully denied that the Earth was round - for which he was awarded a Nobel Prize by proving the earth was 'globe shaped', and also that he is the father of Prince William. His most noted denial however is that global warming is bad and that Al Gore is good, both of which Lord Monckton considers to be utter poppycock.
"His name is known widely, from Baltimore to Cocomo, from South Shields to Dover, even as far as Bleached Bone, North Dakota. In fact, Lord Christopher Monckton is the only person the residents of North Dakota have ever heard of, apart from Al Gore.
"In this talk Lord Christopher Monckton will explain how the Sun, not mere humans, is responsible for global warming - which is an age old cycle - and why global warming is actually quite wonderful. If it weren’t for global warming, 'we would all be freezing our nuts off', according to Monckton!
"He will disprove all the balderdash told by Al Gore in his SiFi horror film, An Inconvenient Truth, the film in which Mr Gore explains why we need a non-elected dictatorial world government and huge air-filters. Lord Monckton will also demonstrate how the Medieval Warming period, which was deleted by Gore, was truly a golden age, when the price of grain was as cheap as chips, and that there was no blasted Rap Music, and arse holes were drawn and quartered.
Enter Lord Monckton
"He is here to take our questions and set our minds at ease, Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please welcome His Right Royal Lord Christopher Monckton…"
Uproarious, noisy, loud, clamorous applause
Lord Monckton: "Thank you! Thank you! Alright quiet down now! Thank you very much! That's enough! Thanks! Thank you! Alright! That's enough! Stop! Stop! Quiet down! For GOD'S SAKE will you all shut up!!"
Pin drop silence
Lord Monckton: "Good! That's much better! Now, you're probably wondering what right do I have to deny anything? Well, I have as much right as OJ Simpson or Charlie Manson! Last year I was caught by my wife naked, in bed with our young chamber maid, and I was able to successfully deny it. So that just shows that the power of my deniability is undeniable! In fact, I could easily deny that you are even here tonight! And I could prove to you, scientifically, how you never came here in your entire life! I also deny that I am a scientist, being a simple-minded Royal, and humble servant of our great Island!
"Now, do we have any questions before we begin? Come on, let's see some hands! OK, you there!"
Random listener: "Well, I haven't heard your talk as of yet, so I have no idea what you're all about. But if you say that the Sun alone is guilty, then what evidence can you give showing that the Sun causes global warming?"
Lord Monckton: "Gad, man, don't be daft! Even my wife can see the evidence is all around us. The evidence, you see, is the warmth of the Sun, which is the only source of heat, apart from coal, wood, electricity, and paraffin heaters. Because it's now night time, I can't demonstrate my hypothesis, but tomorrow morning, bright and early, I can promise you that there will be more than ample proof that the Sun causes global warming! Right then! Next question? You there, young lady in the blue high heels..."
Young lady in the blue high heels: "Thank you! I was wondering about your being a denier; would you deny that?"
Lord Monckton: "Certainly!"
Young lady in the blue high heels: "Well, how would you prove such a claim?"
Lord Monckton: "I would deny it! And then I would deny that I ever denied anything in the first place. But, my being a denier is not the issue here, we are here to discuss that bloody scoundrel Al Gore, and his line of reasoning, which I have denied since the beginning! Alright, you there in red!"
Man in red: "I was wondering, why do you deny Al Gore so much?"
Lord Monckton: "Thanks for asking. Well, it's something in the way he denies reality. I mean Clinton, now he was a good denier, but Gore is bloody dreadful! Actually, I don't deny anyone. But I DO deTest Al Gore. And by that I mean I've disproved his testing, nothing personal, I can assure you!"
Man in red: "Do you mean his style of denying? Or the things he says are not true..or.."
Lord Monckton: "Sorry to interrupt you, but we must be moving along. Actually it's not what he says, it's more what he omits, he simply omits the facts. Such as the Medieval Warming Period! In Gore's silly chart he has completely erased the Medieval Warming Period from the history books. And all for his dear old hockey stick! - All right, how about you in blue?"
Girl in blue: "Thank you so much for taking my question. I have idolized you since I was a baby! All night I have waited for this chance to get your attention, and now that you are within my grasp I will hold on to you, and you will be my slave! Would you deny that?"
Lord Monckton: "Well, of course! But that really depends on your definition of slave? For example, if by slave you were offering me a chance to witness your naked charms, in that case, yes, I would deny such a denial! - Next!?"
Muslim student: "In the movie, 2012, they purposely omitted any scenes of destruction of the Kabaa in Mecca, even though we Muslims are the most worthy to be destroyed, still we are omitted from the very film! Why this discrimination? We demand to be destroyed as much as California. Otherwise, Allah will be displeased, and that will make matters much worse. Believe me when I tell you that although Allah is the most merciful, He demands to be destroyed like all others. Don't you agree, professor?"
Lord Monckton: "I'm not a professor, mind you! But I do agree there has been a grave injustice by Hollywood, and I believe you have as much right to be destroyed as a Christian or a Jew. Apart from that, I deny it! But, that's not because I'm against Muslims, it's just that, well, denial is my business, and business always comes before pleasure! - How about you there in green?"
California exchange student in green: "Listen, dude! I think I can dig where you're comin' from. I understand why the Sun causes global warming. It's cause it's warm, right!? I mean, the Sun, it's, like, seriously hot, man, any Mexican can see that. So, is that your point, that the Sun is hot?"
Lord Monckton: "Oh, aren't you a fine young chap! Now, at last, something which I cannot deny. Yes, indeed, it is hot. As my idol, Jerry Lee Lewis would sing, the Sun is a great ball of fire!"
California exchange student in green: "So that's it? The Sun causes global warming 'cause it's hot?"
Lord Monckton: "Well, it's perfectly obvious! Only a fool would deny the plain truth: The Sun heats the earth, so, of course, it's the bloody Sun! What can we puny humans do to change the natural cycle of things. I agree with the Natural Cycles! But I deny that tiny humans have any significant impact. Just look at this graph here, see the line going up and down? That means it was hotter, then colder, then hotter again! And that was long before SUVs! You can hardly call that a hockey stick! And that's my point, that global warming is caused by the Sun, not by SUVs! OK, then, how about the handsome man in white!?"
Handsome man in white: "Hello there, Doctor! My name is Derrick Drummand, I'm with the US Embassy here in UK. And I've been instructed by the Justice Department in Washington to arrest and deport you back to America to stand trial for high treason! Are you prepared to leave without a struggle?"
Lord Monckton: "Oh, do shut up! Next?"
Indian Student: "Dear Professor, I must say vhat an honor it is to bask in your presence. Just the other day I was telling my father that you are SUCH a great man. You see, in our religion, we too believe that the Sun is hot. So that goes to show that humanity can get along, if we would simply stop denying the very facts. Even my half sister agrees with you. And my Uncle thinks you're the smartest man in the entire vorld! Both my Mother and my third cousin, Rajiv, he also agrees that it is Surya, the very Sun, which alone is causing heat. Also the head of our village..."
Lord Monckton: "Bloody hell, man, get to the point. What is your question?"
Indian Student: "Begging pardon, sir! Actually my question is quite a technical one. Is the Sun really hot? Or does it just feel that vay to our material senses? In fact we, you, all of us are "atma" - that is spirit soul, and we transcend all mundane relativities, such as cold and heat, and, that being the case, the Sun is not at all hot to the soul! So, tell me vhy do we believe in such nonsense?"
Lord Monckton: "What nonsense?"
Indian Student: "The very nonsense which you are espousing! What is the practical use of such ignorance?"
Lord Monckton: "I BEG your pardon! But just..."
Indian Student: "Very well, pardon granted!"
Lord Monckton: "Well, that's certainly a weight off my shoulders! All right then, we have time for one more question. You there!"
You there: "Sir, mumble mumble, your view mumble the governments mumble world mumble mumble to create a mumble world order, all mumble to a one mumble communist government? Like the New mumble Order? Mumble mumble going to happen?"
Lord Monckton: "Precisely, and to the point! It is the plan of the communist New World Order, being controlled by the FED, which is driving the lies which Gore is telling. But that is a very complex subject, and quite apart from my central premise, that the Sun, being hot, is the cause of ALL global warming. It is simply not caused by humans. But I could save us all a lot of time by directing you to the information source, I should say "THE" information source. No! Not Wiki-bloody-pedia! I'm talking about Uncyclopedia. That's right, Uncyclopedia. If you want to get to the bottom of this New World Order, then I suggest to you all to visit the URL I'm about to give you. Get your pens and papers ready, now. Is everyone ready? All right, then! Visit http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/United_States_of_Earth, and there, I can assure, you will find the answers."
Al Gore's Myths
..."All right! That's quite enough questions. Now, let me tell you about Al Gore's big myths! But rather than bore you myself, I will show you an explanation addressing each point, which was prepared by my son's rather slender and quite well-informed American boyfriends, Mr. Carson Bell and Mr. Gabe Henderson. Please pay attention, as this is their feature film debut! With superb sound track, narration and editing. And I see a promising future for these talented young directors! Especially as the weather heats up a bit. Thank you..."
Written, directed, edited, and starring: Mr. Carson Bell and Mr. Gabe Henderson.
Lord Christopher Monckton's Conclusion
"Well, with those lies now exposed, I request you all to consider my main premise, and that is, Global Warming is a natural cycle, and, in fact, global warming is quite the opposite of an apocalypse, it's really rather nice. Why do you think people live in and take vacations where the weather is warm? Because warm is bloody wonderful! So, in fact, we are going into another Golden Age, as Americans like to call, "The Endless Summer." Once again they will be growing grapes on the summit of Mount Everest, and the Vikings will harvest bananas, and again The Scots will be making wine. So don't believe the lies. Face the hard, warm facts, and prepare for quite a pleasant change in the weather, as ordained by God, our creator, Himself. And with that I say, God bless you all, and enjoy the climate change! Thank you very much for coming and, I repeat, apocalypse no!"