Economy of the United Kingdom

The Economy of the United Kingdom is one of the main driving forces behind modern Europe. Great Britain's main source of revenue comes from its massive tea export industry, supplemented by a burgeoning tweed market. Camilla Cornwallis Earlgreyis, the common tea plant, is grown exclusively in the southern regions of Great Britain. While the majority of tea harvested is consumed by the British, a significant portion is also exported to countries such as Asia, China and the United States. Britain only exports a very modest amount of tea to Asia and the U.S. but trade with China has always been traditionally strong. In an agreement formalized in the early 16th century, Great Britain agreed to give China 70% of the excess tea harvest. In return China agreed to provide Britain with Chinese made tea sets.

The British have always held Chinese pottery in a reverential awe and those British citizens lucky enough to own a set of Chinese tea cups will often devote vast amounts of time to polishing them. The British love for Chinese tea sets is so ingrained that a ritualistic ceremony has evolved around them consisting of taking them out every day at a set time (referred to by the British as "tea time" although it really has little to do with tea) and gathering around to admire them. This is often accompanied by a snack consisting of biscuits although, unlike other Western nations, the British rarely serve them with gravy.

Other large contributing factors to Great Britain's economy include profits from the Street Urchin's Guild, the Cornish paste industry and Coldplay album sales.

Car manufacture

The British Motors Ltd. Tiannamen model wheel-less car, designed to reduce running costs. All the fun of motoring, without the trauma of travelling Hovercars: the vehicle of the future, once its invented

Britain Motors Ltd. was founded in 1833, several years before the invention of the car, to produce rubber cladding for train wheels that made handy swings for children once they'd worn out. This was an example of a faux-secondary industry, where the product itself was not used for its intended purposes: further examples are cucumbers, baseball bats, cheese and Oscar Wilde.

When the internal combustion engine really took off in 1944 as a remote-controllable tactical anvil, BM Ltd. began production of its most popular vehicles, the BM Ulysses, the BM Bushwhacker, the BM Toronto and, famously, the tricycle. Sadly none of these vehicles, bar the tricycle, are still in use, as they all had minor engineering faults (square wheels, no brakes, square steering wheels, made entirely of rust) that led to short working lives and all were melted down for scrap. Secretly sanctioned by the British Government was The Battle Bus, a favourite of Japanese and French tourists.

BM Ltd. went bust in 1960 after its owner, Adolf Hitler, said on live television that all their cars were crap and fitted with a Nazi bomb which he planned to detonate the next time anyone pushed in front in the McDonald's queue.

Importance of immigrant workers

Britain is of such a diverse nature that it has been widely and forcefully accepted that without ugly, psychopathic, or otherwise illegal immigrant workers flooding in through the border every minute of every day, there would be nothing but unemployment throughout the isle. If this is because the government believe the natives are lazy bastards who'd rather live on benefit than lift a finger, or because the top brass is getting paid several billion in backhanders by the European Union, no one knows (actually we do but if we say anything they'd do us for acts of terrorism). A recent study suggested that it was impossible to have a study on what percentage of immigrants are taking the native's jobs, because although 113% of immigrants were claiming benefits, nearly all of them work without permits or papers on building sites making them impossible to track (but at least that brand new housing estate they're building on your local green belt field will be ready in time for tea). More shock-horror came from the fact 99% of all immigrants can't speak Engrish, but are more than capable of demanding large sums of money from old ladies in the street whilst wielding guns that are supposed to be banned. These alarming statistics did not reach the public domain, however, because it was shown in a documentary on Channel Five, of which no one ever watches unless they're showing lesbian porn.

Jobs for everyone

Another admirable aspect of British industry is the fact it has enough jobs to go around for everyone, and how culturally active it is in providing people of ethnic backgrounds these jobs instead of giving them to people who are actually qualified for them. Rest assure that despite the fact they may not actually be qualified for the job or they can speak not a single word of English, at least they're getting the job and won't sue the company for racial discrimination which would only hurt our economy more!

The largest employer is the Civil Service, without which the streets would be full of unemployable chinless wonders all asking: "is it lunchtime yet?"

This page was originally sporked from Britain.