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“MORE Britishe historie? I'll be in my trailre drinking absinthe.”
“I want you to make the Welsh language so difficult and unpronouncable, that school children in the 21st century will have to invent new swear words just to describe it.”
“Ask Boudicca to translate.”
When you think of a fighting British Queen, who do you think of? Queen Elizabeth? Queen Victoria? No. You think of Boudica. Or Boadicea. Or Boudicca. Or Boo-DICK-ca. Or BoBawitdabadabangadangdiggydiggydiggysaidtheboogysaidupjumptheboogy!. Or Bo Derek, even, if you're silly.
No one really knows for sure, and there sure as hell isn't a person from the 1st century one could talk to to figure out who she was or how her name was spelled. There may be some historical sources, but you don't see anyone at Uncyclopedia "reading" them for "facts."
In America, Boudica is best-known as "Xena: Warrior Princess".
A Comprehensife Historie
Boudica cameth to rule
So to set the scene, there was this place called Celtic Britain and there really wasn't much around, maybe a straw hut or two. If you were lucky you'd see a cow. Basically the place really sucked. Anyone who was anyone was already long gone, most likely to The 21 Club. Anyway, there was a bloke here who was king of a small mess of it, and his own tribe as well. This tribe was called the Iceni, and they lived on that little chunk of eastern Britain that looks a bit like an ass. Know what I'm talking about? This King, who was named Ybbterium, made a deal with the Romans, who were big on burning things at the time, that he would pay some money and they wouldn't burn his stuff. For a while, everyone was all smiles. Upon ingesting hemlock,("I thought it would be minty!") he died. Tragic right? NO! The real tragedy is that he had no sons, so his sexy wife Boodikka had to lead the kingdom. As a woman, she was obviously unfit to lead, but the concept of the glass ceiling was still under development.
Her rule leadeth to conflicte
The Roman governer, Tieremisius, of course realized that as a woman, Boadicea could not rule effectively. Tieremisius had had some sexual problems the week before. His girlfriend, whose name is lost to history, (but is believed to be Agnes) had recently broken up with him. Distraught, he sought to make her jealous by making catcalls at a local. But who? The daughter of a Queen of course!!! So that's exactly what he did. When Queen Boudica heard of this, she immedietely stopped chattering with her book club and rushed to round up an army of Britons. This was fairly easy, as most of the Roman army was off fighting whales in the Irish sea. She and her gang of Celts went about breaking things in the local malls. Really it was utter chaos, they were taking pictures of themselves in stores, throwing their trash on the ground, eating babies, and they even laughed at security when they were told to leave. By this way and because people were scared of her bitchiness they defeated many a shop. After walking through Dillards and trying on every hat without buying even one, they finally left to confront the Roman army at the London souvernir shop, or, Londinium, which by this time was rushing towards the mall.
A large battle ensueth
Boudica+ approx. 50,000 Celtic warriors, all of whom are bristling for a fight. VS. Tieremisius+ approx. 10,000 legionaires, who are all damn sick of eating [[shit]] and marching.
Boudica should win, I mean, it's simple math right?
Yes, but you forgot to take into account one factor. Boudica is a (sexy) woman!!! This means, no matter how many warriors fought for her, her defeat was predetermined by her lack of a penis. Some historians may argue that her defeate was due to her military inexperiense and the sheer Roman discipline. They are full of shit. Seriously, no dick, no win.
But, alas, the Romans were not driven into the Chunnel, but fought back with swords and punching in or around London, and Queen (see above) found herself at the wrong end of a double-edged sword. Overcome with whimsy, she famously remarked:
"Please forward all my voice-mail unto Heaven, lest I shall miss a call from my agente."
Then she either took poison or some Roman dude stabbed her or something. Don't ask us. She is currently buried under Station 9 3/4, the magical place where young witches and wizards board the Hogwarts Express to embark on their yearly studies at Hogwart's School of Wizardry. Rumor has it that students urinate on her bones for good luck.
An Alternate Historie of Questionable Veracitie
Here at Uncyclopedia, we encourage dissent and disagreement in the name of Truth. Here is an alternate account of Boudica/Boudicea/Bo Derek, which may or may not be any more or less true than the account that has proceeded it.
When the Romans invaded the British Isles thay didn't reckon on tangoing with Queen Uber-Bitch Boudica. Well-known for having seven arms and three heads, she was an unstoppable killing machine. And kill she did.
You must admit, this is at least possible.
The continuing tradition
Most of her best fights have been preserved on YouTube and Myspace and her followers continue the tradition to this day especially at the Festival of Beatdown including the ancient tradition of placing of the bottom on the abdomen - mostly though mobile phones have replaced swords and spears and as with bullfighting the loser is not now normally killed.
|Protector of the British Isles
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