The Sun (comic)
The Sun (formerly the Katie Price Daily) is a right-leaning daily publication that aims to keep working-class people informed, entertained, and full of righteous indignation at whatever its owner finds politically expedient. Editorial policy requires that the reading age of any article should not exceed the number of nipples that could be seen on its notorious Page 3'. Its Sunday counterpart was titled The News of the World until that title was forced to close to protect Rupert Murdoch from unjust future prosecution for so-called illegal spying, wire-tapping and bribery carried out at his behest by journalists in his employment, and for his financial benefit. In 2002 Murdoch launched an entirely unconnected, new Sunday newspaper, by chance hiring the same staff of reporters and housing them in the offices they had only recently vacated. This innovative publication was christened The Moon, in homage to the buttocks that could be seen on its notorious Page 5.
Commercial pressures dictate that the "newspaper" should include only stories likely to engage its core demographic: Christian (non-practicing), heterosexual (but with a keen interest in lesbian porn) blue-collar men who can be easily roused into paroxysms of rage by the idea of paedophiles being released from prison at the end of their sentence (while still taking a keen interest in the Page 3 photos of Busty Phillipa Norgs, 18, from East Croydon and the fruitless struggle of her school uniform to contain her chest. Until 1992, Page 3 sometimes featured girls between 16 and 18 but this practice was discontinued "in case anybody finks we're pervs."
First published in 1743 as the journal of the Royal Society it was entitled Why you are a Stuck-Up, Ugly, Ignorant Joke, and sold extremely poorly. Teetering on the brink of collapse, it was bought out by Wullie “Scunner” Thompson a well-known Scottish publisher, and re-titled Grey’s Anatomy. In this form, it became Britain’s premier anatomical journal, publishing many important scientific discoveries, such as boobies, detailed in an exhaustive series of scientific research that continues to this day. Although a financial success, sales of Gray’s Anatomy were disappointing in these early years. This was chiefly due to the fact that copies were printed on an entire horse, that had been hammered flat. This meant that each edition was expensive, costing the equivalent of a whole months supply of cocaine, and also due to the rather slower distribution system in place compared with today, each edition stank like nothing on Earth.
After a number of years of sluggish sales came a breakthrough in the history of Grey’s Anatomy, journalism and horses. The dedicated workers in Grey’s Anatomy's legendary R&D department invented a revolutionary all-paper version. Sales immediately rocketed, and soon it seemed all England was reading the new “paper”. It wasn’t all England, though. A number of teenagers, who had to be different, would read nothing but the The Times Literary Review.
With its increase in readership, Grey’s Anatomy spoke to a much wider range of society that before, and content changed to reflect this. Instead of diagrams of dissected corpses and norks, new features appeared, such as sports news, detailing the results of cock fights, badger hunts, bear baiting, and even cricket. Also appearing for the first time in this period were financial reports, to reflect the growing wealth of scientists, a trend that continues to this day. To reflect these changes, the name was changed to The Mail. When it was pointed out that this name was already taken, it was changed once more to The Sun, to reflect the growing interest in astrology that was sweeping the scientific community.
In the years that followed, The Sun appeared set to dominate the British newspaper landscape like a giant otter that eats nothing but Big Macs, gets little exercise and is accidentally pumped full of helium. It was the most obvious and natural thing to think, but it wasn’t to be. Even with its unbeatable formula of science, financial news and reports on cricket matches, sales slowly dropped. Paradoxically, at this time many of the more important stories of the day – Socialism invariably causes homosexuality and cancer and All feminists are ugly lesbians who can’t get laid to name just two – broke in The Sun. However, with the increased availability of sex shops, prostitutes, bare knuckle fights, cheap gin and fairground science laboratories The Sun started to look old-fashioned, and sales slowly dropped.
By the 1960s, The Sun was a shadow of its former glory. Fewer than one person in 27 million was buying The Sun, and research showed that they were only buying it to line their parrot’s cage or wrap their fish and chips. Losses were grave, so when a dashing young Australian poet, philanthropist and philosopher named Rupert "Howling Mad" Murdoch offered to buy The Sun for 12 /6’ – equivalent to George W Bush’s daily caviar budget in today’s money – Old Man Thompson (now aged 621) sold up without a second thought. The financial, publishing and amateur dramatic societies of Brisbane and London were amazed. How would Murdoch re-vitalise The Sun? One of the methods used, which has since come into general use throughout world media, was to create the headline first then, using crowbars and sledgehammers, force the news to fit it. This technique is known as journalism. Another is the use of the pun on the front page in which an unfunny headline is mated with a barely credible story in the vain hope that the product will be greater than the sum of its parts. Sadly, it never is.
No serious academic discussion of this rag would be complete without a brief mention of Murdock's greatest contribution to modern British culture. Although this phenomenon was first discovered by Johannes Gutenberg in 1192 with his use of movable tits in printing. It was only when the link between money and mammaries was discovered that printing really took hold in the public imagination. It was 'Prince' Rupert who found that sad pervs would pay to see a picture of a woman's 'assets' and that, for money, a woman could be persuaded to allow such a picture to be taken. The difference between the total amount paid to see the picture (£10,000,000) and the amount paid to the woman (14p) became known as profit and is the basis of all Capitalist economies throughout the world. This momentous discovery has allowed Murdock to become so wealthy that he now owns the entire galaxy.
News in briefs
The "News in briefs" began as an attempt to insert some genuine educational material into the comic, and was funded by feminists in the government in the hope that the 14 year olds that look at the page 3 models in envy would actually learn something. This also had a bonus (as opposed to boner) in that unemployed 38 year olds who drink all day could also raise their IQ, possibly into double digits.
However, a massive fallout between Murdoch and Harriet Harman spelt an end to this agreement. She accused The Sun of sexism for the section, although in actual fact she was angry as they declined her offer to pose nude for a double page spread.
The segment made a comeback for the 2010 general election, with the clearly intelligent glamour models giving their extremely well worded remarks on the election debate, which were not really written by the editors at all and were certainly not biased to the Conservative Party. A study found that this section saw a 1000% increase in the working classes. This number would have been higher were it for the fact the rest of them could read.
The biggest difficulty Murdoch had at The Sun in those early days was with the Unions. Murdoch was desperate to retain everyone working for The Sun, arguing the impossibility of running a national journal with any less than 3 Archmages and 17 sub-editors working on the horoscope. The Unions were just as adamant that Murdoch should become a billionaire as quickly as possible, and demanded mass sackings. By the 1980s war had broken out between the two sides. It was bloody, violent and grim. Eventually, the Unions won, and 97% of the staff were dismissed. Luckily, by the time the war ended, technology had overtaken the media, and it was possible to produce The Sun with only 5 staff. So devastating was the war that the the whole area around the docks of London (known as Docklands) was razed to the ground and was rebuilt as a social housing project complete with toy train set for children to play with. In order to prevent a catastrophe of this magnitude from ever recurring, a castle or fortress called the Tower of London was built to protect this vital national resource.
Sun reporters in common with other tabloid reporters have faces that resemble pigs' heads. Up until 2003 there was the scandal where owner Rupert Murdoch refused to put troughs in the Sun offices. It was only with the introduction of Rebecca Wade as editor that caused Murdoch to reverse his decision. The rare breed red top promised to beat Murdoch with a handbag full of bricks and that her husband Ross Kemp would certainly not act out of character. Murdoch promptly soiled himself and gave in to their demands.
Reporters of the Sun and other tabloids can be seen in London pubs such as the 'Cock and Bull', 'The Two Titts' and 'The Pigs Arse'. In there they play darts with some of their readership with photographs of people who are gay, queer, lesbian, paedophiles, ethnics, asylum seekers, non christian, murderers and of course middle class people who don't read the Sun, as target practice.
Editor Rebecca Wade has expressly said she is not a bisexual lesbian despite photos drifting around the internet of rough carrot topped lesbian sex.
Although there are only 5 of them, the staff of The Sun are amongst the finest journalistic talents ever seen. They are specially recruited from Eton, Harrow and Windsor colleges, selected from the two or three alumni each year that have slipped through the system and learnt how to read and write. On recruitment by The Sun they are trained in the arts of journalism, the traditions, the expectations and the honour that must become second nature.
One reason for this intensive training is that The Sun produces a different edition for each region of Britain, every story being skilfully and subtly altered to appeal to the different tribes of Britain. Compare the following passages:
- City of London edition
HUNS OFF OUR WOMEN Fritz is up to his old tricks, and it’s a damen liberty! Bonkers eurocrats in Brussels are going to impose a Standard European Breast on the hardworking people of England. They’ve had their knockers, but we say “Get your filthy, garlic-flavoured paws off our Crown Jewels”.
- Manchester Edition
FILTHY SCOUSE DOLE SCUM! Simian scroungers are a national disgrace People in Liverpool don’t bathe, can barely read, vote Labour and would vote to hand England over to Soviet Russia, if they were allowed to vote! We say “We have more money than you, you ill-educated scum!”
- Then there is the Scottish edition. Scottish Sun readers are very fortunate in being spared right-wing racist lunatic Kelvin MacKenzie, and his severe case of Tourette's Syndrome, because even the Sun's publishers are smart enough to figure out that constant rants about "those fucking Jocks" would hurt sales. The Northern Ireland version exists but is rare, with endless headlines devoted to Loyalist commandos who sprain their ankles.