Windsor, Ontario

“Windsor?? I thought you said this was South Detroit!”

~ Oscar Wilde

Modern day Windsor, Ontario. Hold on to your hats!

Windsor, Ontario, Canada, is the capital city of Essex county, and a place where great minds come to prosper. It is a thriving cultural, economic, and political city. It lies directly south of Motown, Land of Crime, and directly north of a whole bunch of crap, including most of the continental United Snakes, and South America. It is home to approximately 250,000 residents. They recently built a spectacular arena complex named the F.U. center, where Ice Dancing and Spitting contests are held.

Windsor is known for its commie-bastard unions, who control the city. Still recovering from its 2 decade long garbage collecting strike, the city still continues to smell like dead cats and your mothers yoga pants. Many other socialized services have gone on strike, including: Jung-Li's Exotic Massage Parlor, Blockbuster and the Asian kid who goes to Massey who tutors you on Wednesdays.

Early History

The original inhabitant of the area was Jake Egan. The earliest archaeological evidence points to a thriving culture based on trade with various Martian tribes. In fact, a bronze age Martian bingo dabber was recently unearthed near the intersection of University and Cameron. All indications are that the Indians lived peacefully until the early paleolithic era, when they became embroiled in a series of bloody conflicts with the crack heads across the river in Detroit. The Ojibwas were quickly wiped out, and the area became just another suburb of Detroit, albeit one of the nicer ones.

Underground Railroad

During the 1800's, Windsor served as the terminus of the Underground Railroad, one of the most advanced and difficult engineering feats of the nineteenth century. A two million mile long tunnel had to be carved by hand out of solid bedrock. This was accomplished using black slaves from the plantations of the Southern United States. Construction began in 1825 and was completed by 1749, with the railroad beginning in Tuskeegee, Alabama, and ending in Windsor, Ontario. However, by the late 1860's the tunnel had become unusable due to rat infestation, and was refilled using the corpses of the damned.

More Recent History

By the middle of the twentieth century, Windsor had become a thriving hub of industry, with fully 9/10ths of the populace engaged in the stagecoach building industry. The rest of the citizens found gainful employment in such industries as mushroom picking, eyebrow waxing, prostitution, and whaling. Around this time, legislation was enacted requiring the city to build smog factories, as the air was found to not contain enough harmful metal particles. Likewise, the Detroit River was found to be far too clean, and dumping toxic waste into its sparkling waters became mandatory. Since these laws were enacted, Windsor has become a thriving hub of cancer research and cancer patients. It can also boast of having the highest child mortality rate in the Western Hemisphere.

Today

With the stagecoach industry in decline thanks to those superior Asian imports, the city has been forced to diversify its economy. It has been only partially successful in this regard. The city now suffers from nearly 1000% unemployment, with even the trusty bingo and gambling industries suffering a sharp decline. Nowadays, the only people making a decent living are the numerous strippers from Quebec who find work in the city's licensed titty bars, known colloquially as "The Windsor Ballet". However, a recent poll found that 92% of the population considers these women "skanky", although 73% of these same people admitted they had "nice tits". Despite their misfortunes, the population has been restive since the failed Socialist Revolution of 1982, but according to this gypsy I know, chaos and violence are due to explode again at any time. Windsor was ranked number 2 in Forbes magazine's June 2009 edition of cities to start a successful business in. Finishing behind Baghdad, Iraq.

Tourism

Perhaps the brightest spot on the city's economic horizon is the tourist industry. Every weekend, the city experiences a sudden influx of young, dumb, violent, drunken Americans who come in search of the city's thriving night life and lower drinking age (21 in Michigan and Ohio, 12 in Ontario). Many establishments (known as "Kiddy Bars") cater to these stupid Michiganders and Ohioans, although the local population heaps scorn upon them due to their unsavory habits, such as speaking with an annoying accent, public urination, too many references to Archie Comics in their conversations, their penchant for wearing the name Hollister written across their chests like all douchebags wear and Republicanism. However, these same citizens appreciate the greenbacks that seem to flow out of these idiots wallets like so much foamy piss against a downtown wall. It's not for nothing that Windsor is known as "Baltimore North". Other tourist attractions include Windsor Arena, a pre-Columbian ruin which dates from 2000 BC; titty bars; bingos; Casino Windsor; the "Racino", a horse track/casino; The Hanging Tree, site of Canada's most recent lynching (2003); and The Tomb of the Unknown Patient, a memorial to the area's cancer victims.

The vast majority of the tourists are Americans who unwittingly turned onto the Ambassador Bridge or into The Tunnel to Canada while fleeing carjackers and/or gunfire in neighboring Detroit.

Windsor is also known as the Florida of Canada, except a more snowy, shitty one.

Government

Windsor is the birth place of Communism, and is known for unionizing everything from strip clubs to the countless number of white rap artists. Stalin once said that Windsor was the finest Satellite state he has ever created and Che also started his T Shirt company here. Although if you work for any of the big three, you'll be glad to have a union by your side to protect you from losing your job, even though the tariffs US President Vladimir "Donald Trump" Putin seem to have laid are seeming to catch up with and shaft the unions. In the 2018 mayoral election, Mayor Francis proposed "spending 80 million on Christmas lights and building an underpass for prostitutes and junkies." He was re-elected as part of a suspected capitalist coup.

Demographics

The residents of Windsor are a hearty lot who for the most part have accepted their miserable fate. They're not big on book learnin', but they are able to operate complex industrial equipment as long as they're shown which buttons to push. The average Windsorite owns his or her own home, works in a factory, has at least three cars - either GM, Chrysler or Ford, has 2.7 children, and drinks beer and watches big-screen TV in their spare time. Although many residents were raised in the Catholic faith, they usually attend church only for Christmas, weddings and funerals, or after a particularly debaucherous drinking/drug binge. Some have received their high school diploma (34%), fewer still (0.4%) have received "some college". Among those aged 25 and below, the most common aspiration is to "get the fuck out", according to a recent poll. Of these, fully 75% have "gone to B.C.", although 99% of these returned to Windsor within six months, citing the "black hole-like gravitational pull" of their hometown as the cause. The goal for the average Windsorite is to retire from pushing red buttons with a pension, and then waste their retirement watching day time television with periodical smoke breaks in their garage next to their domestic vehicle. For those thinking of moving to Windsor, you can be assured that if you are ugly where you live now you may fall into the average to attractive category in Windsor. Just look at the town's mayor Eddie Francis. With the 1000% unemployment rate houses can be purchased for a case of Carling beer, or a DVD copy of any movie with explosions and tits. Although houses are inexpensive in Windsor their neighbour to the North will accept a case of empties.

Influence of Detroit

Living in the shadow of America's wealthiest, most beautiful city hasn't been easy. Detroit lies a mere stone's throw from the shores of Windsor, and yet is a world away. The relationship between the two is complex, with most Windsor residents feeling envious of the affluence and high living standards enjoyed by Detroiters. In fact, most Windsorites are too ashamed to step foot in Detroit, such is their insecurity and sense of inferiority. If Windsorites go there at all, it's usually to hunt squirrels, or to collect scraps from the garbage cans of wealthy Detroiters. The low crime rate, high property values, excellent city services, and overall high quality of life in Detroit continue to be a sore spot with most

Border

The Windsor/Detroit border is one of the worlds most sexiest border crossings. Known as "Americas Cock" the large 14 inch Black Detroit bridge goes right into what some would say is the asshole of Canada. This stands as a representation of how the USA is, truly, fucking Canada up the ass. The large amount of truck and car flow are Americas sperm, and Canada takes a large butt hole full every day.

Arts and Culture

Windsor is home to many classy strip clubs. Because of the successful industry, you can find a picture of a naked woman shoving her boobs in a man's face on most of the monetary units in Windsor. On the reverse side, you can find 19-year-old drunken cock-fags from the United States fighting each other in the streets, which can be like watching a rather drunken episode of the Three Stooges. Walker Rd. is considered to be a giant canvas of art by many residents, similar to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Important Annual Events

• January 8th-15th - Squirrel Fest: This annual festival celebrates Windsor's official mascot, the black squirrel, and is a celebration of all things squirrel. Events include the Squirrelympics, a squirrel cook-off, and squirrel fashion show. Skunks are also welcome since the whole city is full of them, making it a stinky place to live.
• February 14th - The Most Dangerous Game - A Windsor tradition, where all citizens over the age of 18 have fuck a stripper or prostitute with a questionable health record. This is followed by mass STD testing. All those who hit the lottery and contract no new diseases receive a free year of PornHub Premium. All those who get HIV, HPV or Herpes in this cycle have to pay for it. Citizens with all three diseases receive the "Unholy Trifecta" Trophy, which is just a sex toy stolen from Spencer's covered in spray paint. Female participants who become pregnant receive an additional trophy depicting a woman using her infant as a weapon in a bar fight.
• February 31st - The Everything's Free Festival: During this semi-annual event, all stores, businesses, bars and restaurants offer their goods and services free of charge. Be sure to get there early as things get pretty rowdy. Last year's death toll was 3,579, including around 27 infants who had been used as weapons or meat shields.
• March 16th- Annual "2 Minute Hate." Windsorites meet up at Jackson Park and voice their hatred towards Pauly Shore, Gene Simmons and Flavor Flav.
• March 17th - St. Patty's Day: In Windsor, St. Patty's is truly a unique day. Since everyone is drunk all the time, they set aside this one day to remain sober. It is a day of somber reflection and renewal.
• April 20th - Hitler's Birthday: In this annual festival, the residents of Windsor celebrate the birth of the Fuehrer. Events include a moustache contest, goose-stepping parade, and town pogrom.
• June-July - The International Freedom Festival: This festival used to be a joint American-Canadian celebration of each nation's respective freedom, but since George Bush's election, it's a Canada only affair. Events include shitty carnival rides, even shittier entertainment, and the ever popular beer tent.
• July - Gay month: During this months tourists can see a large amount of gays walking in downtown. For only $4/hour you can rent a hot slutty boy (probably a Latino who doesn't speak English but understand the word "cockwarmer") Be sure to bring cash, none of them accepts debit/credit card.
• July 25th - Christmas in July: Why the fuck not?
• October 12th - Canadian Thanksgiving, laughs at Americans' Columbus Day.
• December 21st - Stalin's Birthday: Uncle Joe gets his due with Windsor's annual tribute to everyone's favourite despot. Events include a vodka and cheese tasting, mass repressions,a doctor killing contest, and a three-legged race to Siberia.
• December 25th - Other Christmas: This event is kind of a letdown after Christmas in July, but you still get double the presents, so it's all good.