Surrey, British Columbia

Surrey, British Columbia is the armpit of Canada (not to be confused with Surrey, England, the crotch of Great Britain). Its population consists mostly of prostitutes, pregnant high school students on meth and burnt out construction workers (sampling methods used to reach these statistics consisted of randomly groping 1 out of every 100 people who got on the 321 bus from Surrey Central Station to the Newton Exchange). Marijuana is not only legal to possess and grow, but has actually been used as legal tender since the decline in value of the Canadian five dollar coin (pentooney) to less than that of $0.01 USD. The primary diet of Surrealists (as they like to be called; see Trivia) consists of Dairy Queen double cheeseburgers, chicken strip baskets, sidewalk cigarette butts, and sexually transmitted diseases. Those who don’t eat meat for religious reasons subsist completely on milk (and milk alone). The hellhole/City-State of Surrey is often likened to Limewire in that you get what you want but you ARE going to get a virus.

In late 2005, it was proposed by the Provincial Government that Surrey be re-zoned as "de-militarized." This plan was abandoned, however, since de-militarizing the area would result in bulldozing the entire northern half of the city, due to it being the suburban equivalent of a minefield. In the same vein, top Canadian military brass had oft argued against de-militarization on the grounds that the only thing keeping the United States from storming the border in its ongoing war on drugs (in order to demolish the world's largest grow-op: British Columbia) is Surrey.

Grand Theft Auto: Surrey

The density of Honda Civics to people in Surrey is higher than that of anywhere else on the planet. The rate at which Surrey accumulates Honda Civics is increasing exponentially as car theft rates continue to increase. Furthermore, the overabundance of stolen Honda Civics lying around in the streets further encourages the theft of more Honda Civics, as they are readily available. It is proposed that the projected 2010 rates of Honda Civic thefts will be several hundred times its current value and that anyone visiting Vancouver’s lower mainland for the 2010 Winter Olympics (known to the local population as “the shit hitting the fan”) will spontaneously grow several Honda Civics that will then be subsequently stolen in order to fill the massive stolen car vacuum. In fact, most new cars sold in Surrey are automatically programmed to lock their doors upon ignition and drive to the nearest police station for delivery.

Theft is such a ubiquitous element of Surrey life that the very concept of possession has been all but forgotten. All resources are considered publicly accessible and anyone who refuses to share simply has their property stolen until they learn to casually steal and abandon stuff like everyone else. Communists have hailed Surrey as the world's first truly communal society.

Driving

While it is generally understood that drivers throughout the Greater Vancouver Region are atrocious, Surrealists hold a special place in the sub-cocular area of most people's hearts for being particularly nerve-wracking to outsiders. It has been surmised that Surrey drivers both a) don't care because they are driving someone else's car, and b) understand that if you're driving your own car, you probably don't live there, and so are not welcome. The Insurance Corporation of British Columbia, which also manages driver licensing, maintains most of their agents in Surrey who are willing to sell a license to anyone who requests it for $10 000, or 1500gm of marijuana. They also offer discounted family plans.

Festivals

The only festival currently celebrated in Surrey is 420, observed on April 21 (due to reasons not fully understood, Surrey exists one day ahead of the world; this may explain the population's proficiency with theft). Until recent years, Canada Day was also celebrated, but considering the majority of Surrey's population either do not know the words to O Canada (due to the language barrier), or have been simply too intoxicated on previous statutory holidays to sing along, the holiday was abandoned.

Immigration

A Canadian citizen or resident of South Asian/Desi ethnicity/descent. The biggest sub-groups of Indo-Canadians are Punjabi-Canadians, Tamil-Canadians and Gujurati-Canadians. Indo-Canadians represent just over 3% of the population of Canada. Their biggest communities can be found in British Columbia and Ontario. According to the Canadian census, 34% of Indo-Canadians are Sikhs, 27% are Hindus, 18% are Muslims and 17% are Christians.

Life expectancy

The Life Expectancy at Birth in Surrey is roughly 43.5 years old, according to the 2000 census. Causes of death include cirrhosis of the liver, drug overdose, drive-by shootings, suicide, homemade abortions, and spontaneous human combustion.

Reputation

Surrey's reputation is so grand that it has actually become known even to Surrealists themselves. Because of this, several communities in Surrey have attempted to withdraw from the city and be recognized under separate names, including, but not limited to, Whalley (ironically, Whalley is the worst part of Surrey), Guildford (recognized for having a pretty okay shopping centre and library-recreation centre. Swimming at a library!), Fleetwood (Home of the modemmers, before the Internet, this area had the most online nerds of all of B.C.) White Rock (where the old Surrealists go to die), South Surrey (Where the rich dealers and pimps live) North Delta (in union with its neighbour South Epsilon) Cloverdale (Where the hicks live), among several other breakaway republics.

Surrey Jacks

By definition, a Surrey Jack is a typical Indo-Canadian individual who tends to show his or her heritage to the fullest. This includes, frequently drinking 'Crown Royal' (alcohol), and 'polishing it off' (meaning to completely finish the bottle). Also including the various term: BRO, PAJI, and the mispronunciation of the word Fucking, with FUCKIN-UH, also to call each other PANCHOD'S! (sister fucker). Surrey Jacks can usually be found anywhere in the city of Surrey. Putting a CD on your rear view mirror is a common way to spot a Surrey Jack on the road. Another main way is to listen for loud Punjabi music playing. The more modern Surrey Jacks can be spotted on foot, usually wearing clothing such as: Puma, Lacoste (usually not real), tight jeans, blue contacts, ballerina shoes, and most seen, a jacket with fur on the hood. It is a rare thing to see a Surrey Jack alone, being that they tend to usually travel in packs. This means that Surrey Jacks tend to travel with their closest Indo-Canadian friends (known as their 'Bro's') and possibly their cousins. Another way to spot a Surrey Jack is to invite one Indo-Canadian to a party and watch how many people come with him or her, refer to the last point to know that they travel in packs. Another common trait of a Surrey Jacks is taking pictures. The most popular pose is to throw up both hand and make sure to stick out your two main fingers (middle and pointer) in the air and make a face that is best described as lips completely out and squeezed with your eyes completely open with a angry type of feel. Speech is another thing to look for in a Surrey Jack, being that they tend to switch between languages (Punjabi/Hindi and English). The Vancouver Canucks are the stand-out sports team for the typical Surrey Jack, while the Calgary Flames, the Edmonton Oilers and the Colorado Avalanche appear to be the enemy, even though a lot of the Surrey Jacks wear those teams jerseys. 'Parking Lot Pimpin' is another common scene that Surrey Jacks, meaning to listen to Indo-Canadian music at extremely high volumes and dancing around with the Surrey Jack dance moves, as well as yelling 'BALLE!' and 'OI!'

Trivia

• In 2002, Surrey was honoured with being named the car theft capital of North America.

• The city's current motto is "For the love of God, stay the fuck out!"

• Surrey is also the source of the word "surreal". Elephants with stork legs, the city mascots, also seem to be a factor. It is rumoured, however, that these creatures do not actually exist, but are merely the manifestation of the collective drug addled imagination of the city's inhabitants.

• An age old Surrealist adage: "Q: Where do Surrey girls go in the morning? A: Home."

• Like a really terrible scratch and sniff book, Surrey smells different every time you visit it.

See also

• Translink
• Chilliwack
• Delta
• North Vancouver