Prince Edward Island
Prince Edward Island
Prince Edward Island of Green Gables
|Motto: Perva subgenitals|
|Anthem: Bohemian Rhapsody|
|National hero(es)||Lucy Maud Montgomery, Hong Kong Phooey, "Stompin'" Tom Conners|
|3 June 1867|
|Currency||Dollars, sheckles, wampum, credit cards, food stamps|
“Prince Edward Island is the second worst thing after Chlamydia.”
Prince Edward Island (PEI) is a fictional Canadian province based on the prince of the same name. The province is the nation's smallest in land area (450 million sq. km), population (140), stature (5'2"), and potato output (6 per annum). The provincial capital is Charlottesville, Virginia.
The provincial capital elects both MLAs to provincial office every 4 to 5 years. The two of them, along with the Premier, decide on policy matters and pass laws. Bills to be made into are then passed to the Senate, where the one senator that is appointed there votes the bill into law or doesn't. Since he can't vote against himself or vote twice, laws are passed quickly through the Senate in PEI with few recounts or re-casting of votes. While this effectively gives the unelected senator more power than the elected premier, nobody cares. When asked to explain their political views, 90% if Islanders will reply "because my parents say so".
PEI becomes a tourist trap in the summer, and its population triples with partiers over the summer months, most of whom were drunk college freshmen who thought that they were going to Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Rather than wild, drunken parties, they now have to attend lobster festivals and sit through re-enactments of Anne of Green Gables.
Residents of PEI have no distinct culture, with the exception of their summer festival, which consists of events like hit the tourist with a potato, and run the tourist off the road (must be played in a pontiac sunfire, or 23 year old pick-up truck)for the males of the species. The female members of the species play games such as complain about the tourist, and the traditional baked red dirt pie contest. Much like any uncivilized tribal group, these festivities serve only as mating rituals.
The members of the Prince Edward Island species generally worship the diety known as Anne of Green Gables. What tourists do not realize is that this diety is actually a mutated human female who derives power from her red hair, which keeps her looking youthful as long as an unfettered supply of young asian children is readily available. Islanders must kidnap at least one asian child each day during the summer season to be sacrificed to Annie. If she is not appeased, she goes on a rampage through the small hamlet of Charlottetown, where the majority of Islanders live. Fearful of their god, Islanders spend their entire economic power, which is the equivalent of $3027.36 CAN, on trying to convince families of Asian tourists to come "play" on their Island. In the disgusting gutterspeak language of Islanders, the english word for play means "get eaten by our crazy redhead child-freak god".
The Confederation Bridge
PEI is joined to Canuckistan by the Confederation Bridge, the world's longest bridge, and some say the Titanic of all bridges. It spans the Northumberland Strait, and disappears into a vanishing point. Once through the vanishing point (it's a toll vanishing point), you and your car travel through a worm hole, where you end up in Flin Flon, Manitoba. On occasion, travellers bounce back and return in the on-coming lane, ending up where they started, as often happens to Florida-bound college partygoers from UPEI on spring break.
People and Demographics
PEI has 150,000 Brits, 15,000 Frenchies, 2000 Dutch, 1000 Germans, 200 Chinese, 60 Arabic, 70 Polish, 60 Koreans, 50 crestfallen college party-goers and two guys from Flin Flon. No one seems to know how the guys from Flin Flon got there.
PEI, which stands for Potatoes Everywhere Imaginable, was the home country of Sophia before her emigration to Uncyclopedia in 2005. Its only claim to fame, other than potatoes, is its role in the Lucy Maud Montgomery books about Anne of Green Gables. PEI is joined to New Brunswick by the approximately 14km (eight miles) long Confederation Bridge, known as the "Span of Green Cables". The bridge has two lanes: one to bring potatoes out, the other to bring crazy Asian tourists in to see if Anne of Green Gables was an actual person and look for the Cavendish village of the fictional novels. PEI otherwise has no economy.
In a brazen attempt to draw more
tourists voyagers, PEI is also prone to claim to be the birthplace of the 1867 Canadian confederation, even though it didn't join until years later. For those who manage to escape from the province, priests are standing by on the New Brunswick side to offer Last Rites with Extreme Moncton.