Wikivoyage

Welcome to Wikivoyage!

Come ・ See ・ Conquer ・ Raid ・ Pillage ・ Burn ・ Eat ・ Drink ・ Be Merry

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Wikivoyage is a huge community with several district articles that contain information about specific sights, restaurants, and accommodation.

Wikivoyage is a community in Wikimedia.

Districts

• Little Berlin is the oldest and most historic quarter of the Wikivoyage community, established in a 2006 revolt against the tyranny of the evil Internet Brands™ empire. It soon allied itself with the neighbouring Little Italy sector as the first step in a master plan to rebuild the world on a Rome-Berlin axis.
• Additional districts, including New England and the French Quarter, were constructed in 2012-13.
• All of these districts have been overrun with tourists and tacky souvenir vendors in a process which mainstream media has described as "Unesco-cide": a voyager finds a place of great natural beauty, UNESCO adds it to its World Heritage List, a million tourists invade and destroy the place by burying it in rubbish. Wikivoyage only accelerates this process by allowing visitors to share their experiences with others.

Understand

History

Oregon Trail

Wikivoyage® was established in 2006 on a pristine beach with stunning natural beauty and refreshing river breezes, mere steps away from fine dining and an immense wealth of amenities. Ideal for business and leisure travellers, Wikivoyage was established as a parody of Wikitravel, although they claim the reverse.

Wikivoyage has been the battlefield for many bitter wars; the land remains scarred with the remains of battle trenches to this day. Many of the bloodiest conflicts in Wikivoyage history were fought between individual innkeepers and restaurateurs fighting over which establishment had the most beautiful sunsets or the best view of the harbour.

Climate

Wikivoyage's climate tends to vary widely, abruptly and dramatically. The voyager may encounter seemingly-endless hot air, only to have the Wikivoyage climate abruptly change to chilling, awkward frost.

The Donner Party recommends Wikivoyage for its articles on cold weather and ice safety. See Donner Party#Eat for more details of the fate of their expedition.

Talk

Wikivoyagers tend to know only a few key phrases in each language. This knowledge is built on a series of phrasebooks filled with knowledge invaluable to the traveller.

Before entering Wikivoyage, be advised to learn a few key international phrases such as:

My hovercraft is full of eels.

(fr) Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.

(es) Mi aerodeslizador esta lleno de anguilas.

(de) Mein Hovercraft ist voll von Aalen.

(pt) Meu hovercraft está cheio de enguias.

Get in

Wikivoyage® sightseeing bus

By plane

• Pontius Pilate Airlines offers a daily Flight into Egypt, as well as a Flight from Sodom. Don't overpack; if you exceed the carry-on allowance, you will be crucified.
• Vulture Airlines offers a more generous carrion allowance, but their fees are predatory.

By train

• The last train from Clarksville is waiting at the station, to get you to your destination... no, no, no! It just left without you and you're stuck here for evermore.

By car

• Disposable exploding Pintos are available at the hire car desk. Powered by a patented external combustion engine, there's no need to return them at the end of the rental as they're disposable - they simply burst into flame, leaving no trace. Be sure to get out quickly.

By ox

• Instructions for navigating Wikivoyage by ox cart are provided in the featured Oregon Trail guide. It will take about six months to travel into Wikivoyage by ox, as the creatures are stubborn and slow. They do, however, have the advantage that they can graze like cattle - which saves on fuel costs for budget-conscious voyagers. Be sure to plan ahead, choosing carefully what supplies to load into the ox cart on departure, as there is a weight limit and whatever you carry will need to last half a year.

By bus

• A magic bus from the 1960's makes your trip a memorable one, if you're on enough LSD. The view is impressive if you ride on the roof with the chickens after the bus has already been packed with passengers to twice its rated capacity.

By boat

• Tickets to board the RMS Titanic are available at the Wikivoyage commissary. The pride and joy of the White Star Line, the Titanic is unsinkable according to the president of the line, user:J. Bruce Ismay. A few spots in third class steerage remain available if you're willing to earn the cost of your voyage by shovelling coal into the boilers during the outbound journey.

Get around

WARNING: Navigating Wikivoyage is extremely dangerous and should not be attempted without an experienced guide. Voyagers risk stumbling across menacing, red boxes at every step of their perilous journey. The historic Magellan-Elcano circumnavigation lost the first of its five ships when Captain Oblivious, the ship's master, collided with one of Wikivoyage's big, obvious red warning boxes on the high seas. Captain Obvious then pointed out that Wikivoyage is inherently dangerous and other means were requisite for navigation.

(Information last updated in 1519)

See

• Watch pickpockets at work at the Taj Mahal in Agra and at the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
• See voyagers be trampled during the running of the bulls in Pamplona
• Watch thieves on mopeds snatch bags from travellers in broad London daylight
• View any of a number of shell games and common scams in action in New Orleans

Do

• In the immortal words of Chris Harris "Let's Go" knockoff Don't Go Europe! (ISBN 9780809236596), "be bold, be stupid, be American!". The universal language of people who don't speak English is English, but Louder.
• If you arrive in a small village with nothing else to do, surrounded with nothing but pristine nature, the best way to pass the time is by terrorising the local wildlife. Hunting and fishing provide hours of fun, and Wikivoyage can help by providing a vast selection of travel topics offering recipes to serve local delicacies like dodo bird, passenger pigeon and dinosaur eggs which weren't hard to find in various magical, faraway places before the inevitable tourist invasion occured.
• If all else fails, just build a golf course somewhere. There's likely lots of open space in the local native cemetery; no one will notice, and perhaps the next group of voyagers will improve on your efforts by adding a tacky theme park.

Learn

• Now that you know how to say « mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles » en français, why not try to enrol in the Sorbonne? Whatever happens, Wikivoyage expects to get a good laugh at the outcome.
• As a Wikivoyager, you'll also get to learn all sorts of localised trivia first-hand... such as the story of how Cartwright, Labrador's only hotel burned to the ground in 2013 and was never rebuilt. You'll then learn valuable lessons about climate and geography as you proceed to pitch a tent in the sub-arctic Labrador wilderness.

Work

If it's tourist season, may we shoot them?

The best way for the Wikivoyager to ingratiate themselves with their hosts is by working in various countries illegally. Not all workplaces are willing to hire and pay illegal Wikivoyagers, but there are plenty of volunteer travel opportunities by which the voyager may pay exorbitant fees to engage in "volunteer work" like building another school in a village which already has a suitable building but no money to pay the teacher's salary.

By travel abroad, the voyager is able to help the host community by taking jobs away from local carpenters (who probably are more skilled at their trade, and priced reasonably by local standards), instead giving the tasks to clueless foreigners who travel vast distances at great expense to destroy the planet.

Another favourite is to claim to be teaching English abroad. Why keep your geographic ignorance to yourself when you can share it worldwide?

Buy

When dealing with Wikivoyage merchants, remember that they are all in business to cheat you, the hapless foreigner. Only by insulting the merchant with a long string of charming local phrases like "I would not feed this to a goat, yet you call me your friend" will you be able to convince the evil vendors to only overcharge you twice what the items are worth instead of ten times or worse. And yes, your travel guide will want a hidden commission; please remit this to the Wikimedia Foundation on your return. See Wikivoyage:Bargaining.

Unfortunately, once the time comes to pay for your purchases, you will likely find the local currency is a huge, non-precious Micronesian stone with a hole in the centre, known as a Yap. Wikivoyagers live to collect trivia like this, even if at the end of their voyage they still end up stone cold broke.

Eat

Fine Young Cannibals

Don't do this. Some Frenchman is likely to try to feed you a snail. Oh, that Black Forest cake may look tempting, but if you're in Wikivoyage and see a charming cottage built entirely out of candy canes, this is a trap set by an evil witch or sorceress to ensnare the voyager. Besides, you pigs are obese enough... and you're making your home country a laughing stock abroad by travelling all the way to Rome, Paris or other sophisticated cities abroad only to ask for directions to the nearest McDrivel's.

Drink

Wikivoyage is an inherently toxic environment. Whatever you do, don't drink the water.

Sleep

Wikivoyage is an excellent resource for innkeepers looking to add laudatory listings for their own hotels as, like Wikipedia, they let any idiot edit pages. Odds are, you won't be sleeping very well once you realise how much damage your Wikivoyage trip is doing to your credit cards, but in the meantime here are a few perennial favourites which are proposed by Wikivoyagers every April first:

• Heartbreak Hotel, a popular choice among Elvis fans, who note its large, wide-open upper-story high-rise windows whenever they're feeling suicidal
• Bates Motel, Old Highway 10, California. A highly-recommended, family-operated establishment.
• Hotel California, 1976 Eagles Way. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

Connect

So you're lost in the jungle, a tribe of hungry cannibals is closing in rapidly, and you can't seem to pick up a mobile telephone signal to send out one last selfie with your final words. Wikivoyage can help, with an extensive mobile telephone guide to explain why other countries are using incompatible standards and seemingly-wrong frequencies before it's too lat...

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NO CARRIER

Stay safe

Sadly, that's not an option.

Go next

• Disney World. At least there they have hungry alligators to deal with your misbehaving children.
• A Tourist's Guide for Australia
• UnBooks:A Traveler's Guide to Mexico City
• UnBooks:My Summer Vacation in Saudi Arabia