Ice bowling

“Take some drunks add a frozen body of water and let the stupidity begin!”

~ Oscar Wilde on ice bowling

“...so lame even your retarded fagot brother can play with his fat dyke friends.”

~ Andrew Dice Clay on ice bowling or maybe his vulgar CDs

Origins

Two men impersonating Canadians, Dr. Frederick Smythe Von McDonald Flintstone III and his "special friend" Barney Rubble of Flint, Michigan, were tired of boring old ten pin, sissy five pin and even midget bowling. Go figure. So, after getting inebriated outside the Winnipeg Post office, they decided to take their balls out on frozen Lake Winnipeg to see which one of them could break the ice surface sending their opponent into the water. While this is technically *NOT* ice bowling, it was the first time someone had found a practical use of a bowling ball and is thus noteworthy.

Reportedly, had the men heard of the even lamer game, curling, ice bowling wouldn't had been invented. However, the sad sap who witnessed the event, but whose name I can't remember, somehow came up with the game just as Barney slipped through the ice to his watery grave. For shame, save that event and I'd probably be surfing for Jenna Jameson mpegs instead of writing this sorry shit.

2004 Championship Game where both teams forfeited due to lack of MiLFs.

Rules of Play

Unlike regular bowling in a bowling alley, ice bowling does not require players to be obese with no fashion sense and suffer from chronic depression... of course it still helps.

Each team consists of:

• 1 Bowler
• 1 Best Friend Forever
• 2 Judges
• 1 Nucular Scientist (according to George W. Bush)
• 1 Notary
• 1 Seekee
• 3 Falafel vendors
• 2 MILFs
• 1 Steve (Not to be substituted with a Stephan)

The object is to outlast the opposing team on the ice surface, before a teammate dies of hypothermia or is called home for dinner by their mum.

A secondary object is to get the Best Friend Forever to bowl his or her balls between the two MILFs without hitting one of the rival team's Falafel vendors. Points are awarded by each Judge on whether they'd like to ball the MILFs (one point each).

While the Steve can be the bowler, judge, scientist, notary, seekee, vendor or MILF. He must not be the Best Friend Forever. Sorry it's the rules Steve. I guess maybe you shouldn't have slept with my sister, eh? Jackass!

Equipment Required

The Bowler must wear a hat at all times, and his/her Best Friend Forever must have two balls.

The MILFs must wear something sexy but it doesn't need to be overly revealling, same goes for the Notary.

The Judges are required to wear nothing under their robes for safety-sake.

The Seekee must wear assless chaps.

Play Tips For Beginners

• Never attempt ice bowling alone.
• When choosing the MILFs for your team, avoid those that fall for the sausage pizza pick up.
• The twinkle toes Freddy is the surest way to fall face first when ice bowling... save it for the bowling alley dipshit.
• Heckling the Best Friend Forever is a good strategy but never taunt the bowler.

Ice Bowling Players You Might of Heard About, But Probably Haven't

There are a few famous ice bowling players. They are:

• Bowtie Pasta "Tie" Domi Jockitch
• The Great One
• Brian Mulroney
• Mason Storm
• Samuel L. Jackson
• Prime Time
• Don Cherry
• Chuck Norris
• A Midget

Lawn Bowling

Like ice bowling, but for old, ugly people that wear dentures and refer to the Golden Girls as 'my show'. Remember Lawn bowling is really boring.

WARNING!

Never ice bowl in high heels. Not because you could slip or trip on the ice, but it may sexually excite the other players and they may try to force you to have oral sex with them. YUM DONUTS ARE REALLY GOOD!

See Also

• Don Cherry
• Keswick Klusterfucks