Surrey, England
Surrey Surrey - Birthplace of the Dinner | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| |||||
| Motto: "Don't you fucking touch me, if you wanted emotional support you should have married a bottle of Gin" | |||||
| Anthem: "Surrey Úber Alles" | |||||
 | |||||
| Capital | Guildford | ||||
| Official language(s) | The Queen's English, Provincial French, Swiss French, Latin | ||||
| Government | Plutocracy | ||||
| Mayor | Sir Ronny Wood | ||||
| Declaration of Independence |
Disputed | ||||
| Currency | Labradors, Issues of Country Life, Houses, Cocaine, Sexual Assault | ||||
| Religion | Church of England, The one off 'Wicker Man' | ||||
| Population | Minimum £120,000 Per Anum | ||||
| Exports | Financial Services, Advertising Executives, National Trust Properties, Aging Rock Stars | ||||
“You can't just open all this wine, it's eighty pounds a bottle! You stupid silly girl Letvana, you've been really very stupid.”
Surrey is a county in the South East of England. At a size approaching almost 1220 square miles, it is easily the most pretentious of all of the counties of England. There has often been speculation as whether or not it should even be considered a county at all, owing to numerous attempts at independence made by locals, who are often to be found demonstrating their apparent supremacy over the Crown and all other living things. The county has more golf clubs than you've had hot dinners. (No, really. If you'd had this many hot dinner you'd have died of obesity by now.)
History[edit]
Surrey was founded in 600AD, when Anglo Saxons who had accrued considerable Denarii through establishing nightclubs in Londinium needed somewhere to live that was free of the ethnic diversity rife within the Capital. Being situated as it was on the Londinium to Portus Adurni railway line, it was a perfect place to construct a series of small hamlets, each more xenophobic than the last.
Attempts at Independence[edit]
After the fall of the great wall of Surrey in 1983, there was a sudden culture shock caused by the realization to all formerly ignorant surrey-folk that certain previously unimagined concepts existed. Poor people, Northerners, New Labour and ITV somehow found their way into Surrey causing such broad disgust that massive security measures became necessary. For example, this was manifest in the implementation of Heavily armored monster trucks for the safe delivery of multiple little Oscars, Lucii, Henrii, Tabitha, Sophia, and Maxim to Prep School.
Following financial support from local celebrities, including St. Paul of Carthy, Ringoginald Starr-Felchandley esq. and God, Surrey was able to fight a prolonged and bloody war against the rest of Britain. This was done by careful hoarding of all of the monies and making the staff perform acts of guerrilla warfare against scum strongholds including Aldershot, Chertsey and The North of England. To this date, the war persists, and even now glorious comrade The Jeremy Cunt the Hilter Ceremony has settled in the House of Mouse as Chief Despot of the New Order of Former Britain, the Financial Republic of Surrey.
Disasters[edit]
In one catastrophic event, Godalming resident Julia Fártqueef-Montsmegly died due to a freak solar flare. A transmission disruption caused by the flare during an episode of BBC Four's Art of the Colonies meant she accidentally observed several seconds of the X Factor. This caused her to turn her nose up to such an extent that she lost balance, and while falling, accidentally made contact with Zulema, her foreign staff. The shock caused by such close proximity to a foreigner combined with actually touching another human being sent her into a state of total meltdown. She was later observed talking to a checkout worker at a branch of Waitrose in friendly tone. Euthanasia was immediately delivered by Robert Hyde-Penis, who was standing behind her in the queue (all Surrey folk carry a shotgun since the Fall of the Wall for use against dirty wierdos). There was, however, some consolation to her family in that Mr. Hyde-Penis did manage to cop a feel before administering death.
Famous Residents[edit]
- Sir John Somebody - Famously the wireless operator on the RMS Titanic, a large memorial iceberg is dedicated to his memory in Godalming Family Leisure Center. Until recently the Guildford bus station was known affectionately by locals as the bleep bleep blip blip bleep blip bleep blip blip blip blip bleep bloop in honour of his last recorded communication.
- Sir Jesus Christ our Lord an Savior, through whom the glory of God almighty shines and many a happy day has shone shiny shines onto us, his flock - Sir Jesus has lived at the top of Leith Hill in Cranleigh since 1998. He claimed in his Autobigraphy The Gospel According To Jesus: We Need To Talk About Christ, that he moved as soon as he heard that Kicky-Kicky Foot-Foot player Ashley Cole and his staff-beating ex-wife Mel B would be buying property there soon. Unfortunately owing to financial difficulties and charity commitments they never did.
- Sir Chris Evans - Chris Evans owned a restaraunt-cum-gastropub for some years. Due to non-payment of protection money to the 1st Wonersh Scout Group, it burned down, killing four and singeing hundreds. Most of those in attendance were only there to see if they could spot Billie Piper, whose headless corpse was sometimes to be observed in the basement performing a number of jaunty tableaux for a nominal fee.
- Harry Seacombe - Harry Seacombe of The Goon Show fame could often be seen in and around his home village of Shamley Green, rubbing his genitals against the walls of bus shelters, from which the common phrase 'Got Wood' is presumed to have originated. Some say that on a still evening you can hear the faint sound of scrotum against pinewood, accompanied by a ghostly sense of absurdist comedy not being really worth it.
- Sir Nick Parfait - This trusty stalwart of ponytail-spouting drivel-merchants Status Quo is widely credited with coming up with two of the band's three chords.
- Sir Damon Hill - The famous Automobile pilot used to live in the village of Notwithstanding, until he was imprisoned after being connected to an aerial dogfight that caused the death of video-game developer Colin McCrae.
- Sir Anthea Turner - Who is this? She's hardly a celebrity really, perhaps she did a workout video? This is the internet, go and look it up for yourself if you're so bloody concerned.
- Sir Paul McCartney - Sir Paul has enjoyed village life since divorcing his one-legged wife, Peg. Originally he shared his Wintershall home with his leg-lacking second wife Eileen, but after an acrimonious divorce he was left with hardly a leg to stand on, since the legal proceedings cost him an arm and a leg. But, deciding to go out on a limb, he put his best foot forward and founded a seminary for chronically lopsided ladies.
- The rest of the non-dead Beatles - (Not to be confused with the rest of the un-dead Beatles). Ringo Starr has been able to retire comfortably on his royalties from the Multi-award winning docu-drama Thomas the Tank Engine and now lives in Guildford Cathedral with his nose, his Roomba and his nine children.
