ASBO
An ASBO, also known as an Apocalyptically Stupid Bastard Order, is a much-coveted accolade awarded at the annual ChavFest in Harlow, Essex. It is presented by the police to the holiest devotee of Saint Chav, whose fervent worship may include good old-fashioned pillaging, impregnating as many women as possible, shoplifting, and drinking record amounts of Red Bull mixed with WKD. The board of judges must go through a careful process known as "eeny-meeny-miny-moe" to decide the ultimate winner. Two runners-up are also chosen.
Legend has it that Saint Chav himself founded the award in the 2nd century AD. It originally came in the form of a Top Man gift card, but today also comes with a packet of fags, a free police caution and a pile of junk to overflow one's wheelie bin. Traditionally, the recipient of the award, who will have been notified beforehand, drives onto the stage in a stolen Vauxhall, killing several in the process, then emerges and is presented with the award (though custom dictates that the recipient must attempt to sell crack to the presenter first). Each year, the stolen Vauxhall (usually a doorless Vectra with its windscreen taped on) must blast a DnB anthem chosen by the judges, which is replayed after the award ceremony. The judges' original intention was to bring a guest star in each year, but early appearances of celebrities such as The Prodygye, Tynye Tempere, and Planne B often resulted in all-out riots on the dancefloor. Such appearances were forbidden from around 1300 AD onwards.
Since its inception, the award ceremony has been sponsored by Essex Police and, more recently, Wilkinsons.
History[edit]
The earliest known mention of the award ceremony and the ChavFest was in Bede's It muste be trewe, I rede yte yne the Dayle Myrrore (c. 700 AD), in which he wrote:
- I travelled bye Tube to Eppynge, ande had a nyfe Currye at the Indyane reftaurante on the Hye Stryte; strangelye enouf, it wase runne bye the Polifh. Anywaye, after thate I drofe downe the Londone Roade ande founde oute I coulde hafe dinede at the McDonaldef there. Upone a tyme I came to a fyld whereyn a mytye congrygatyone waf takyng place; a ftolyne Vauxhalle waf playnge obfene mufyc; itf drivere waf beynge handede a Gyfte Carde for Toppe Manne, ande I notyd thate The Veneratyd Fainte Chav's lykeness, whych I hade behelde in perfone juft tewe-fcore yres before, payntyd onto a Banner. A pryst of the hygheste order sayeth unto me: "Wagwan m8! We droppin' sick beats! Oi, you got any crack?" in whate I belyf to be the locale Tongue.
The ASBO itself was not mentioned in writing until 880 AD, in the Official Chronicles of Manky Peter, aide to the Great King Alfred the Sick.
- Hif Majestye, King Alfred, hath Donated a Toppe Manne Gyfte Carde to the Wynner of the AFBO, a Prestygyous Awarde in Harlowe, a Ghetto in the harfh, unforgyving landef of Effex. Todaye we marched in a profession to Harlowe, whereupon we were greeted by a Counfil of Judges; I was aftounded to be awarded the AFBO, for mye Pillaging of Chyngforde and impregnafion of thrye womyne laft Faint Chav's daye.
From 1200 to around 1750, the ChavFest (and the ASBO award ceremony) was the largest festival in Britain, with thousands of participants a year, but it was eventually overtaken by the Antichristmas celebrations at the Grand Church of Sauron in Liverpool. In retaliation to this announcement, the High Council of Saint Chav burned down the church in question, but it was later redesigned by Frederick Gibberd, Harlow's master planner.
Today, with the Chav Hordes swelling in ever-greater numbers, the ChavFest attracts around 500,000 participants every year.
The Judges[edit]
Today the ASBO Award is given to a follower of Saint Chav selected by a team of six judges.
- Simon Cowell - Minion of Sauron, TV personality, and media tycoon. Not a devotee of Saint Chav, but he knows his ASBOs,
having been awarded a few himself in his youth. He has also been a judge on the torture show X Factor for several years.
He currently resides in Transylvania. - Ant and Dec - It is a little-known fact that Ant and Dec are not actually two separate celebrities, but one organism split into
two halves, each dependent on the other. It lurks around in the Australian jungle for most of the year, feeding on camel testicles
and other delicacies, as well as mutilating other celebrities it considers a threat. If left alone, it will surely destroy all mankind. - Kate Moss - The nation's favourite piece of mindless eye-candy. She is slowly dying of a rare skin disease, ironically caused by
too many skincare products. - Cheryl Cole - Another piece of mindless eye-candy who has spent her entire career trying to best Kate Moss.
She has also spent time as a judge on the X Factor; Simon Cowell now legally owns her. - David Beckham - A former footballer and prominent member of the London Gangland, David has since bettered himself and is
slowly getting accustomed to life in the British elité. Nevertheless, he is still in contact with his gritty roots in the mildly
unpleasant estates of Leytonstone, and for this reason is considered a leading authority in the High Council of Saint Chav. - Paddy McGuiness - Though he is far from a follower himself, Paddy and his deceptively Irish name have been taking
advantage of Saint Chav's devotees in various ways since he became the host of the nature documentary Take Me Out,
in which he studies idiots in their natural habitat and even attempts to pair them together with all his rapey charm. He is well-known
for being sucked down a tube at the start of every show, presumably being flushed out of Heaven after yet another attempt to get in.
A constant presence at the ceremony, but never a judge, is Jamie Oliver. He generally lurks by the stage, calling the audience savages, and selling them rustic doorstep toast with mushroom soup. He is regularly threatened with shankage, and this has deterred him from the ChavFest in recent years.
The Recipients[edit]
Records of the award's recipients have only been kept since the 1800s, but researchers at the renowned University of Stoke-on-Trent have pieced together a comprehensive list of recipients since Manky Peter's time. They have also compiled a short list of the award's most notorious winners:
- Manky Peter (received award in 880 AD) - As mentioned above, Manky Peter was an aide and scribe for King Alfred the Sick who
was the first to describe the ASBO award, and wrote about winning it himself after his pillaging of Chingford. His writings are the
basis for much of today's chavspeak. He is also notable for having invented the Blackberry, and thus indirectly lowered the
nation's IQ by 70 points per head per lifetime. - Baz K. Swagga (received award in 1999) - a notorious gangsta and serial idiot, Baz's most well-known crime was the vandalism of Banksy's work
so it "looked cooler". He is barred from every pub in England, except one in Hull, but it doesn't look good for him there, either. - Ali G (received award in 2003) - An unorthodox reporter, Ali G was renowned for his work spreading the goodwill,
tracksuit bottoms and AK-47s of Saint Chav to the rest of the nation. He received the award for having popularised the term "bling" in Britain. - Vicky Pollard (received award in 2006) - Vicky Pollard single-handedly attracted more attention to the West Country chav subculture
than any other individual in her era, with her gossip-spreading, tracksuit-wearing, and general stupidity. She received the award for
her work on the documentary series Little Britain. - Wayne Curtis "Kruspee" MacDunder (received award in 2010) - A stalwart supporter of the English Defence League, Wayne is currently vying for control
over a ruined Harlow against Robert Halfon, the Tory MP, using gang connections built up over the last decade. He has single-handedly expanded
KFC's net worth by £800,000,000 in the last two years alone.
