Jamie Oliver

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Jamie Oliver, one of the few chefs who never looks at the food that he is cooking.

“We get everything from Sainsbury's, even our personalities.”

~ Jamie Oliver on Jools Oliver

“I'm gonna fucking kick your arse!”

~ Gordan Ramsay on Jamie Oliver

James "Jamie" Trevor Oliver, MBE (born 27 May 1975), sometimes known as Lord Tum Tum of Sainsbury, is literally an English twat cook, son of Laurence Olivier and Lady Olivier (Jamie literally couldn't pronounce Olivier and so his surname literally evolved into Oliver). His cooking has literally been described as "godly", "I just wanted a fried egg and you gave me a four course banquet", and "covered in fat tongued spittle". It is literally a well known fact that Jamie Oliver literally invented cooking.

Jamie Oliver is literally little known as the creator of Kaizer Sauce, mostly because Kevin Spacey had literally used his Jedi mind trick to literally trick the Euro-American copyright foundation into literally thinking that Kevin's blood was indeed the source of the sauce. On many occasions Oliver has literally been accused of being the prophesised and much feared Anti-Baker, a false prophet and chef that shall literally herald the destruction of the world with his mystical powers of mockney. He is also one of the founding members of the Impossible Food Cult.

Jamie's restaurants should be avoided at all costs a "Jamie Dribble" has trained his staff personally and they unfortunately dribble in the food as instructed.

Method of Preparation

Oliver sadly became widely known, literally, throughout the United Kingdom, Italy and all states of Australia (except Western Australia), when he literally created his television program The Naked Chef. He literally performed naked and literally talked to himself while he literally cooked using ingredients that literally could only be bought from remote desert island such as Madagascar, New Zealand, Ireland and Japan. Literally. His favorite word is literally and he tries to incorporate it into literally every sentence he speaks. He was literally officially classed as severely retarded when he literally referred to his vegetables as "literally edible food" and continued to say "literally add a little bit of..." and proceeding to shovel the ingredient on. The people of London literally now make him live in a bucket for literally everyone's safety.

Side Dishes

His preferred side dish apart from Pitepalt is literally grass. Add some salt and your literally almost there. He also literally has a special recipe for making things seem literally like aphrodisiacs. Whenever you think you have mayonnaise in your food, it is in fact literally animal semen.


Jamie Oliver's life was not always a success story. It is only literally known by a few people that he was literally the inspiration for the musical Oliver Twist which was literally based on his life as a boy. During adolesance he began cooking and he was literally told by the Prime Minster of England (at the time literally Mr T) to prepare seventeen meals a day for Chuck Norris. Jamie was literally the only person to do this as his naked cooking style literally kept Chuck Norris from literally roundhousing him into the sun while serving his meal.

Jamie Oliver actually does not know the real meaning of literally but says it all the time anyway. He literally released a line of cookware that was designed to give members of the taliban cancer. His preferred method of travel is by scooter which coincidently is literally his favorite meal. In the anime Sonic X he literally plays the voice of Tails the Fox.

Jamie Oliver likes bunnies and is often seen literally ramming carrots up their arses. Many people speculate that these carrots are for the bunnies that drive the motor in his scooter, though they may literally be for Chuck Norris who enjoys carrots being inserted into his anal sphincter, because the crunching sound they make remind him of the sound he literally makes when he sits down after some anal masturbation with some fresh, large carrots.

Before his recent death he was literally a qualified ophthalmologist residing on the bank of Yangtze River, China. Because he is now literally deceased, he no longer holds the title of Iron Chef Southampton.


Jamie likes his cocks nice and plump
  • He literally once made a dish called Exceptional Root Salad Surprise. It was banned in Canada for its extensive use of viagra and total lack of drugs.
  • One of his specialties is the mango-banana-mash that is literally spiced with some cayenne-cumin-chili-cilantro-ginger- salsa and then covered in horseradish and spittle as the fat tongued mockney cunt tries to talk.
  • Jamie created and popularized the "Chicken In A Bastard" which literally involves oven-cooking chicken breasts basted with pureed chili peppers, garlic and cumin, shoving them literally up Jeffrey Archer's arse and serving with white rice. Pukka, tweakle.
  • To make sure the British public got the right diet it needs, Jamie once cloned himself and began producing little Jamie Oliver meat that can talk. Here's a video about it.
  • Jamie literally cooks literacy, which literally literates literature to illiterate people.

Al fresco

Literally a few years back he married Jools Holland and they literally made beautiful music together and now have a child called Jazz.

Table talk

  • Fact! Literally eaten by Nigella Lawson, Madhur Jaffrey and Delia Smith in a Vindaloo, they all agreed he was hot stuff. They were (of course wrong) he is a shallow, ugly, cheese sandwich of a cunt.
  • Fact! He single handedly cooks every single school dinner in England every single day.
  • Fact! He tries something new every day, and on occasion two new things, but never three. That would be too much. Especially with his tongue condition.
  • Fact! Oliver was the inspiration behind the 1976 hit "Mongoloid" by the Art-rock/New Wave band Devo. This led to his being adopted by the Spastics Society as their new poster boy.


Recently on 16 April 2006 Jamie Oliver's house was raided by daleks, destroying £30,000 of priceless cooking equipment and a further £5000 damage to his other possessions. This was a complete mystery until 20 May 2007 when the four invaders showed themselves live on Channel 4 British television claiming to have taken Jamie Oliver hostage. Unfortunately, while this was reported to Tony Blair as an international threat to peace he announced to the British people that all we can do is wait until next Saturday (26th) to see what happened. The Prime-minister's arrogance in believing that he had been watching Doctor Who helped add a further 700,000 chavs to the adult population of Britain, while 30,000 intellectuals, realising how much of a penis their prime-minister was lost their will to live and became emos.

After taking advantage of Tony Blair's foolishness and screwing up the entire population, the daleks abandoned Jamie to the street where he became a drunk hobo speed junkie smoking pot. He has never been seen or heard of after the kidnapping however. Literally.

If you ever meet him, ask Jamie about his fascinating fudge collection. Which he has a man pack, once a week.

See also