Gibraltar
“Let's not pretend that it's anything more than a rock”
“The Goldfish thinks it can see the world when looking outside the bowl, however the perception is just its reflection.”
Gibraltar is an island a large rock inhabited by a few apes and cavemen, and now lorded over by the British. It is universally accepted that it must never fall to the Spanish because the British and Spanish people would have to find another place where they can evade taxes.
History[edit]
Gibraltar was first inhabited in the Neolithic Period by the offspring of a man and a female ape who had faced social rejection by the early Spanish in Spain. This hybrid creature, through an accident of genetic science, then learned that it was able to breed with itself, thus spawning a legion of smaller ape creatures that rapidly colonised what would later become Gibraltar. Gradually, the creatures interbred with each other to the point where rudimentary tool making skills and the discovery of fire eventually took root - in about 1986.
In the 1700s Gibraltar was captured by evil fascist money laundering pirates who spoke Gibberish and were sent by the evil General Franco. The day was saved by James Bond who used his secret agent British skills to trick the pirates into jumping off the top of the rock like lemmings. From that day on Gibraltar's people have been British and drank tea and ate crumpets with the rest of them. It was agreed it would be British forever under the Treaty of Utrecht and the Spanish have been trying to break that ever since. The Gibraltar national anthem was "La Macarena", but as everyone is now thoroughly fed up of it, they have adopted a new anthem, thought to closely resemble the "Ketchup Song". Unfortunately, however, no-one knows the words to it so you get a lot of humming and "la la la's" and "Lloyd George knew my father" thrown in.
The Gibraltarian gene pool is noted amongst the scientific community as being smaller than a spider's piss puddle.
Every 10th of Sept. is the celebration of Gibraltar Day which summed up amounts to a group of individuals marching down Main St. claiming to be British, Speaking Spanish, & waving the Gibraltarian flag. The locals are gathered up with the British who have gone native, dressed in matching clothes and packed in a small square where they must stand for hours in the baking sun. Backbenchers, Labour rebels, Tory rebels, wishy washy liberals and other misfits from the UK house of commons are packed onto a charter flight from Luton Airport and sent to Gibraltar to make up numbers on a huge stage assembled in a corner of the small square. They are then politically brainwashed to cheer to every lie the ruling dictator says. When every one is breaking down from the heat and the exhaustion they are marched for another 4 hours until they are finally set free and forced to intoxicate themselves. This is done every year to ensure that the Gibraltarians stay loyal to their country and to the British. For some unknown reason, it seems to work!
Government[edit]
For years, the Gibraltarian government have promised in these so-called "democratic elections" have gone though millions of deals and compromises which is really just double talk by The Man. However, for some reason the Gibraltarian people buy all this when really all the politicians who are making these promises, after going home and scratching their bollocks, really just want to say to the Gibraltarians "shut the **** up and give me all your money you peasant scum !".
Political Climate[edit]
Sometime before 1704 a Spanish peasant (thought to be called Diego), once pointed to The Rock and said "ees' mine" and ever since Spain has tried to uphold Diego's family claim to the rock. Even though the people in Gibraltar have on numerous occasions politely reminded the Spanish that they don't want all the dancing and torturing of bulls happening on their hill, the Spanish have persisted in calling the rock theirs, and built a model of it in San Roque to plan the invasion.
To help Anglo/Spanish relations Tony Blair offered Gibraltar to the Spanish for a fiver, but was hastily taken aside into a back room and beaten with big sticks by people with decency and honour, until he accepted that he wasn't God and couldn't just pass off thirty thousand apes to the Spanish.
To commemorate this historic moment, the Gibraltarian's have cemented it into Gibraltarian custom with the annual "beat the Spanish with Big Sticks Day" where they lovingly bludgeon any unsuspecting Spaniard to the ground as proof of their independence and Britishness (see: The British - '...violent bastard's who took over the world merely to piss everyone off. Damn they did it well!').
United Kingdom - Gibraltar Relationship[edit]
The Gibraltarian populace continue to hold a strong allegiance to the United Kingdom viewing their relationship with the country as a unique bond between historic political and cultural partners. The British on the other hand, could not, essentially speaking, give a flying fuck about Gibraltar as the vast majority of British citizens have absolutely no idea where Gibraltar is or any meaningful impression of the place beyond vague memories of some big rock with monkeys climbing all over it they dimly recall seeing on the news once, years ago, possibly related to a that business when those IRA terrorists got shot right up by MI5 or something. That was Gibraltar right?
People of Gibraltar[edit]
The people of Gibraltar are possibly the most intelligent people in existence, or have ever existed. They all speak Gibberish - in fact, they invented the language. They scorn the Slops, otherwise erroneously named the Spanish, and the Giris, i.e. anyone else not from Gibraltar. Fraggle Rock and it´s hangers on also expect everything for nothing, having been cocooned from birth from the outside world, and spoilt rotten by their mothers. Whatever you do when visiting Fraggle Rock, for God's sake don't try to chat up any Fraggle women. Fraggle men will immediately try to kill you, as they view all women in Fraggle Rock as a rare commodity available to only them. You will often hear the words "hands off my girlfriend or sister they are usually both the same" shouted at you should you persist in chatting to Fraggle women. If someone goes against the social stereotype i.e fat people in tracksuits with their ears pierced, then they are subject to abusive behaviour, usually consisting of grunting and hand gestures with the closing sentences "dont get cocky wiv me" or " i get my cousin to break your facking face".
The main occupation of Gibraltar is pimping up a 1.4 Honda civic. This treasured and revered car tuning usually consists of putting a new front bumper on it and making the engine rev really loudly until bystanders outside McDonald's ( the local shrine of Gibraltarians ) go "Kijo!! que wapo!" meaning " fwaaaah, he's got a well loud car!" Often seen around are the clones which roam about in cars or knock-off Real Madrid tracksuits and fake designer gear sporting the gold-plated neck chains rings etc. in an attempt to look like Mr T. Many have lost the ability to speak sense so should be treated gently; do not feed them as they then form hunter packs and upset the residents.
Whilst pimping out the oh so worshipped Honda Civic the following logic is put into place to greatly enhance the preformance of this already perfect car:
1. Playboy bunny stickers on the rear of your car make you cool.
2. flame stickers on your make you go faster! and make you cooler!
3. removing the muffler from your exhaust turns your 1.4 into a V12 engine and of course makes you go faster whilst emitting a sound which tells all those around you that you have a small penis and will compensate with a loud roar from your exhaust.
4. Having Tinted windows makes everyone that see's your car think that you are doing something cool in the back seat when really your 'vratha' is just sitting there with his shirt off insisting that he is indeed not a queer.
5. If there is more then one local male in the Honda Civic then the traditional mating call can be heard emitting from the car through the use of abormally loud and bad quality speakers. This normally indicates that (during summer time) that there is more then one shirtless male in the car and they are going to drive to europa point to have anal intercourse with each other. During the winter periods the exact same procedure except the windows of the car are up to keep the heat in so instead of very loud bass music driving past you can hear not so loud bass music going past along with the slight sound of windows trying not to shatter.
Transport[edit]
Everyone has two cars, one to occupy any parking available and another to drive round town endlessly in, or queue for hours to go to Spain. It must be noted that Gib people have no sense of direction when in traffic, restricted cranial capacity prevents them being able to operate indicators or defining left from right. In addition every man woman and child has a moped and a hovercraft on which to zoom through the traffic jams that form when everyone is driving. It was reported that last year a baby was born on a moped, speeded out of his mother and did "dos vuelta a la Fuente del Capullo".It is planned to fit bullseye targets on all lamp posts due to the number of Gibbo scooter booter nuts that hit them.
Military[edit]
Royal Gibraltar Regiment Lore[edit]
The Royal Gibraltar Regiment was originally founded by the Gibraltarian forefathers, the Barbary apes. Since then the legend has remained that as long there are Barbary apes on Gibraltar it will always be British, the same thing is said about Playa Ingles in Gran Canaria. However, since this has never been proven, it is now thought that the Barbary apes will one day take over Gibraltar as the Barbary apes are smarter, less ape like and barbarious than the human residents, and every year there's more of them. Soldiers of the regiment are some of the few young people of Gibraltar which are financially independent, but honourably they choose to forego this by opting to continue living at home, spending their money on ever more ridiculous tuning parts for their 1.4 Civics. Young soldiers can often be seen attempting to climb trees with these cars at various points around Gibraltar whilst emitting a typical mating call of distorted breakbeat music from very loud and very cheap speakers. Orphans are prohibited from serving, as all soldiers uniforms must be ironed by their mothers.
Members of the Gibraltar Regiment are known to migrate for two weeks of every year to Morocco in order to breed with Moroccan women, as the Gibraltarian Gene Pool is getting increasingly smaller, in the appropriately named Ram Ram Camp.
The laziness factor of the local population has gotten so bad, that the British have been forced to start recruiting home-grown soldiers and officers into the Regiment, in order to keep themselves in a job, give the locals some sort of sense of power amongst themselves, guard their own camp (because the local Gibraltarian security force is too inept to do it themselves.), and continue to do pretty little pointless parades. This has led to the popular misconception that the Regiment is now actually called "The Royal Expatriate Regiment" and the locals often can be heard complaining about this. God knows if they ever bothered to get off their arses and work, or instill proper values in their offspring, or indeed stopped mothering them to death; then maybe some more 'Gibbos' would actually leave the beach and join the Regiment, to enjoy a lifetime of being shouted at instead.
Sport[edit]
Gibraltar plans to win the world cup in 2088 but this is unlikely as apes can't participate in international football competitions. Sports is relatively big in Gibraltar anyway, as their gene pool derives from an outdoor species, and therefore jumping around aimlessly, kicking and hitting things with sticks is an inherent part of everyday life. The pack mentality means that there has to be some way to prove their worth to Fraggle girls and sports is the most physical and active way to do so.
Sports, or 'spo' as its called there, ends up being an attempt to prove that they are superior to the rest of the world and are actually comparable to other humans. When these activities finish don't bother shaking hands or talking to them because they will never look at you in the eyes but just mutter something in gibberish with the only audible words being 'guiri' and 'payaso'.
Hockey, football, tennis and badminton are all popular here but probably the most widely-practised sport is power walking, which consists of striding along with a friend at steady pace trying to work off the kilos while dressed in freshly washed tracksuits and brand-new Nike trainers all the time working harder and harder on the rumour mill rather than anything else. At the end you may get a bit fitter but all this is wasted when you sit at home eating calentita (the greasiest national food of any country) chattering about on the phone with your best gossip-mongerers about all the interesting information you have digested on the walk up and down Queensway.
Sacred Animals[edit]
The Honda Civic is a protected species and worshipped, its breeding ground is at Europa point by the lighthouse.
Miss World[edit]
Amazingly Gibraltar managed to produce the 2009 Miss World. She is called Kaiane Aldisupermarket and she is quite fit. On the plus side, she helped draw attention to Gibraltar on the global stage. On the negative side, Gibraltarians will never let the world forget they had Miss World 2009 and they will still keep banging on about it even if it turns out one day that she is actually a man with a wig on.
Accent[edit]
The Gibraltarian accent (when speaking English) is widely regarded as the worst English accent in the world, frequently topping polls that usually see them placed ahead of such horrible accents as Brummie, Scouse and South African.
Fishing[edit]
Along with red telephone boxes, Gibraltar boasts more fish and chip shops than Blackpool. In order to keep them supplied there is an extensive fishing fleet. This has caused conflict with neighbouring Spain which is on a mission to catch every fish in the seven seas. In order to keep the Spanish out, Gibraltar built the detached mole by dumping three million tonnes of concrete into the sea. The government in Madrid complained they had not been paid off and closed the frontier. Nobody noticed apart from a few Spaniards who had popped over the border to buy a packet of cigarettes as they had run out in La Lineá.
Telecommunications[edit]
Gibraltar is home to one of the most complex broadband infrastructures ever built, consisting of 4 peeled potatoes running in tandem to produce speeds similar to those that can be achieved by holding up a foil antenna on the roof of one's house (on a good day, of course).
Amazingly, the service from Gibraltar's one and only internet service provider is nothing short of immaculate, and this pristine service has allowed Gibraltar's provider to pioneer a new affordable standard for customer support, that of which consists solely on a trained tribe of barbary macaques that offer all-year round support for users who are of course pretending to have issues with the immaculate service. Seemingly enough, the few issues that do arise only ever originate from users' own equipment, to which the only appropriate solution as per recommended by the incredible customer service is to cordingly "apagar el roota y encienda lo en fie minets".
In recent years, developments in cranial capacity have allowed for the conception of online communities for the rock, the most notable being "Complain Freely", which boasts over 15,000 cavemen which frequently gather to bitch and moan about the slightest issues they encounter on a daily basis have extremely thought-provoking discussions, somehow managing to understand one another using a 'lazy' written iteration of their spoken dialect which happens to be most botched frankenstein of a Spanish-English hybrid grammar system ever used.
See Also[edit]
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