Singapore
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| Motto: "Leelapura Uber alles" (Lee, above all in the world). Formerly known as "God Save the Lee!" | ||||||
| Anthem: BEEP! There goes the Great Gantry. by E. R. Pee | ||||||
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| Official language(s) | Singlish Lah!, Engrish Lah!, Cheena Lah!, Banga-la Lah!, Māori Lah! | |||||
| Net worth | Over $1 Infinitillion in government reserves, largely | |||||
| Capital (and largest city) | Capitol Tower, Government of Singapore Investment Corporation | |||||
| Government | Extremely Dictatorial One-People's Action Party State | |||||
| 2nd Party | Workers Party nia. No need to fight PAP. PAP sucks anyway. | |||||
| Emperor | Lord Robo Lee | |||||
| Crown Prince | Lee Hsien Loong MaiC Hum, Mai Hum Mai Hum Mai Hum | |||||
| Board of directors | Philip "Mr. Invincible" Yeo, Goh "Peanuts" Chok Tong, Wong "It's an honest mistake let's move on" Kan Seng, Teo "I shall win all by-elections! HAHAHA!!!" Chee Hean, Eunice "Feminists Rule, bitch!" Olsen | |||||
| Establishment | 1965 : Lee Kuan Yew broke away from Malaysia as the Malays did not like his autocratic and racially 'equal' ideas. Some say Malaysia | |||||
| Official religions | The Lee Trinity (i.e. The Father (LKY), The Son (LHL), and The Goh), Nazism, Kiasuism, Atheism, etc | |||||
“Huh? Singapore? I haven't heard of it!”
“Singapore is where I was born, where I grew up, and where I was randomly assassinated.”
“Singapore is the opposite of the ever-free North Korea. Why no Singaporeans emigrate there?”
The Glorious Socialist Singing Republic of Pores a.k.a. Singapork (pronounced: "Sing-gay-pour") is a shopping mall located in Malaysia, known to be the largest of its kind in the Islamic nation, and even in the entire world. It is a giant graffiti wall, welcome for all foreigners to write on. It is common knowledge that all the best graffiti artists in the world aspire to travel to Singapore to create graffiti there. There, they are encouraged to continue by receiving 4 strokes of the cane each second. It is the only country that has a free-flowing supply of NEWater, rumoured confirmed to have been created from toilet wastewater and still safe to drink. Singapore is renowned for being one of the filthiest countries in Asia, and very welcoming to foreigners, provided of course they have a valid visa. Those without a visa, or overstaying a visa are processed anally at a high-walled facility called Changi.
Although Singapore has been largely forgotten in the annals of world history, the city-state has seen tremendous growth in terms of international recognition because our glorious leader Robo Lee has bring us away from the Islamic Imperilaists and achive our indpendnece. Since the beginning of time, a worldwide poll ranked Singapore as the fourth country "that no one would miss if it were completely obliterated next Tuesday," beating Bhutan and Vanuatu by a wide margin, and only losing to France, China and the United States.
Singapore was ranked 168 out of 169 in the Worldwide Press Freedom Index 2009 by Reporters Without Borders and was ranked 174 out of 195 in the 2009 Freedom of the Press World Ranking by Freedom House. One comforting fact is that at least Singapore is not last in position. Try to keep your comments or complaints to yourself, or face heavy imposed yet sexy fines and savvy lawsuits approved by the leading party known as the People's Action Party.
Recently, Singapore is hosting the inaugural Youth Olympic Games so that it can win some gold medals, but unfortunately, Singapore is too poor to afford to buy gold medals. In retaliation, Robo lee decided to sign an agreement to help Kim Jong Il to nuke the rest of the Asean countries. This however led to a total failure and went over the budget of $1.
History of Singapore
In 1824, the Limeys bought Singapore from a bunch of stoners, who had no idea what they were doing with the island. The fucking Limeys used Singapore much like the capitalist pigs came to use Cuba, as a place for sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. But now they are governed by a bunch of yellow pig eating piss drinking paranoid ignorants.
Everything was really cool for over a hundred years until 1942, when the Japs invaded Singapore. While the English bravely defended their territory, the Japanese routed them like the red-coated sissies they were. Singapore enjoyed a brief 'golden age' under Japanese rule, what with the mass racially-motivated killings and parades of troops that locals described as "fun to watch."
The Second World War saw heroic American troops drive back the pesky Japanese with their signature superior military strategy. The English retook control of Singapore, and largely forgot about it for nearly fifteen years. Singapore became independent 1955, after offering England their soul and their pussy. Singapore attempted to join other local countries such as Indonesia (which is now known to be vastly inferior to Sinagpre), but enjoyed no success. As such, Singapore is now a little shit of a country that nobody really wants.
And if you care to know more, I should remind you that Singapore is less than a fifth the size of Rhode Island. While the citizens of that country most certainly do not suffer from any sort of Napoleon Complex, .
Politics and Government
Singapore, a "Fine and Simply Beautiful" country, follows a Communist single-party system, which means that the people are free to all make the same choice: voting for the corrupt and incompetent People's Action Party, or the PAP, in the so-called "elections". Since the country's independence from impure ideology in 1955, the PAP has ruthlessly been in power continuously, except for two months in 1971 when a talking dog walked into the Parliament building and declared itself emperor. This dog, considered one of Singapore's finest leaders, established its current policy of "Neo Spic-and-Spanism". This policy involves, in the words of the state, "the advancement of pro-cleanliness positions for the advancement of the party and the destruction of our evil enemy, the Durian." He passed his position to an unknown man, who opted to use the title of Second Prime Minister of the National Socialist "Empire" Republic of Singapore (NSEROS).
Since 1993, Singapore has been allied with the other members of the Small Countries Alliance, whose motto is "All for one and one for small!" The introduction of a country which has what is technically referred to as "Incomplete Freedom of Speech Laws", led to the eventual departure of San Marino from the Alliance. The SCA has been noted by the UN as being one of the "world's richest and most dangerous alliances", with vast reserves of nuclear weaponry and also the uncanny ability that everyone knows everyone else.
People (Foreign)
The people, known as "Foreign Talents," are precious, and are widely known as the First Class citizens. Their talents are so precious that while they have no voting rights, it is expected that their children will perform National Service (aka National Slavery or NS) for a country in which they cannot vote. This is according to the Lee family's motto: "Let them with no power and no voice die for those who have more." These measures have been quite successful in achieving "little dominance", though some foreign people (predominately China Chinese, Japanese and Koreans, not those Ang Morhs ) are too smart to have their children become PR or Citizens and eventually run away mocking "Singaporeans are stupid". [citation needed] They are the recognized people bringing growth and economy to the Nation, from doctors to CEOs, hence the more reason why foreign talents should come in and stay. Welcome to Singapore. We are always expecting you.
The President/Puppet
His Majesty's job is to sit in his palace, drink Kopi-O, eat Roti Prata, and cook curry fish head right after winning an uncontested election. The Prime Minister locks him in his palace and pays him $2 billion dollars a year to appease him and keep him out of politics. However, it was reported recently that His Majesty has taken an interest in animal politics, by his appearance at the passing of an iconic Orang Utan.
The rumour was quickly dismissed when the Orang Utan was killed by a bird. But later rumours confirmed that the bird was indeed reared and brought along by His Majesty when he visited the Organ Utan. However, Singapore Zoo(logically a) Garden is looking into the matter of whether the bird killing the Orang Utan is merely an accident or had a motive. In response to this, His Majesty has decided to stay out of Monkey Affairs to stick with his palace prison where he can learn to make teh tarik from the famous Jalan Kayu Prata Master who will be visting Istana in a few days.
The Prime Minister
The Prime Minister is the second most important person in Singapore, and possibly the only known person whose inherent human dignity counts for anything. All decisions are made by this Lee, and approved by the other Lee. At present, Lee Hsien Loong is the Prime Minister of Singapore. He has been famous for promoting very high imports of "Foreign Talents," believing that by doing so it is the only way to contribute to the nation's economy; and increasing GST and number of E.R.P. Gantries, believing that the increment of GST will help the poor while the ERP gantries will somehow allow poorer people to own cars after doing some mathematical and relativity theory calculations.
Citizens of Singapore
Singaporeans (yes, it's a word. Look it up.), or Singaporites ("Sprites"), are often called "ball-less" by English-speakers, or gu niang (effeminate/cowardly) by Chinese Dialect speakers, for lacking the courage to criticize the government's policies, or for being hopelessly brainwashed by government propaganda. In actual fact, this is only a superficial impression - the manifestation of passive-aggressive behaviour motivated by inexpressible cynicism; a form of political theatre acted out by the government and the citizens. Most government propaganda in Singapore is highly effective, although not in the traditional sense, but rather as self-parody, although the nuances that make it such usually come in the form of in-jokes. Most Singaporeans consider their country to be very successful based on strong GDP growth. Surveys by the media have shown that Singaporeans are able to cope well with inflation, taxation, ERPs, dropping birth rates, National Service and work-related stress. Strikes and protests are almost non-existent due to the common belief that such disturbances hinder economic growth.
One notable fact that current productive-aged Singaporeans don't like to make kids is because of the expensive living cost and the diminishing of open space for human beings(In other words, most Singaporeans are just plain infertile).
Singaporeans like to indulge in disposable materialistic things and travel.
Geography and Climate
On the map, Singapore resembles a little "red dot", much like a pimple on the rear end of the world. The first person to notice this was former Indonesian President Habibie, who remarked, in an interview with the Asian Wall Street Journal, "My goodness, it looks like a little red dot!" For this reason, Singapore's Ministry of Foreign Affairs (it has been reported that many Singaporean men have "foreign affairs" in Batam, thus justifying the existence of a separate ministry) has proudly begun calling Singaporeans "Red Dotters". Following this incident, Indonesia wisely decided to stop selling sand to Singapore for use in its land-reclamation efforts, and it became a "noticeable red splodge."
On a completely unrelated note, Singapore was came second in the "World's Favourite Little Red Dot" competition, just beaten by Vatican City, but beating Liechtenstein and Russia (who were disqualified anyway).
Land
There have been inaccurate rumours that when all the land reclamation taking place around the Singapore coast line is complete, Singapore's geographical profile will have morphed from that of a red dot to the noble outline of a Merlion, or a square, or even a Merlion with a square head. It is believed instead, that when the reclamation is finally completed, each of the Merlion's tail flukes will be so shaped as to produce a sheltered lagoon. This lagoon will then be converted into an Integrated Resort. No one is exactly sure as to what this resort is to be integrated with. However, there are rumours that integrating the resorts together will cost an additional US$1 trillion due to the recent economic downturn and the government has prepared plans to increase GST to 11% if it is deemed neccessary.
Weather
It was recently leaked by Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong Mai Hum, that the country's weather is actually man-made. Since many years ago, Mr. Philip Yeo's A*STAR research has reach fruition by utilizing state-of-the-art technologies to harness energy from "chillies and onions" to make rain or drought. During a recent F1 random interview [click here to watch], PM Lee was shocked that he was "arrowed" to be interview, in order to get rid of the interviewer by the stunning questions, he accidentally leaked the nation's greatest secret. Ever since then, citizens and weather enthusiasts have been flooding PM Lee's email account and phone calls for "Weather Requests".
Most of the emails were forwarded from random people on MSN, Yahoo! and Google. Most of these messages were marked off as spam by the PM Lee Mai Hum, and discarded without a second look. It's "spam", after all.
Economy
Singapore is famous for being a shopper's paradise. There are 2.1 million shopping malls in Singapore, or nearly one for every two citizens. Of these malls, over 2 million of them have the same shops, which makes it easy to find exactly what you are looking for. A new shopping mall springs up at the rate at which someone dies of HIV in the Third World (approx. every 15 seconds). Singapore is not the air-conditioned nation for nothing, and the government aims to maximize the ratio of shops to persons. It is hoped that by 2025, this ratio will be 100:1. How these will be properly run is as yet unclear, but it will not be a stretch given Singapore's service standards (see below).
Singaporeans take great pride in providing an unsurpassed level of service. At most retail establishments, employees undergo rigorous training to perfect their blank stares and mumbles, purging from their brains any information they encounter which might be remotely useful or relevant. While tourists often find these skills frustrating or even rude, it is only because they do not understand the unique culture of Singapore in which being helpful is punishable by seven strokes of the cane.
No one really knows how Singapore's economy is doing as far as their stock market and the worth of their money is concerned. Such knowledge would require research, which, quite frankly, would require people to care enough about Singapore to devote the time required. Instead it is easier to assume that they are doing well, just like the other Asian countries. They are Asian, right?
Tourism
Tourism is a vital part of Singapore's economy. Most of it consists of trafficking Indians into the country to work in toilets, or people from China to call our citizens dogs. In 2000, over 4 million people worldwide were tricked, bullied, forced, cajoled, coaxed, or otherwise fooled into visiting Singapore for an average period of sixteen hours. The government refers to the tourist experience in this country as "Uniquely Singapore", a slogan that has received a positive response from tourists - most tourists would probably kill themselves if they discovered there could possibly be another city somewhere in the world just like Singapore.
Most of the country's tourism is centered on tiny artificial island called "Sentosa". Tourists flock to the beaches for the rare sight of majestic container ships entering and exiting the harbour. The shops along the beaches sell postcards featuring the iconic oil refineries on the skyline. The beaches, comprised of strips of imported sand from as far away as Saudi Arabia and Dubai, have been widely praised as some of the most beautiful in the world.
The recent proposed addition to Singapore's tourist offerings has been a hot topic of discussion. Integrated Resorts, or IR's - also known by their actual name "casinos" - have many middle-aged Singaporeans concerned that their spouse might gamble their life savings away. This is a very important issue because experts agree that most Singaporeans have never heard of the concept of personal responsibility and could not possibly be expected to be accountable for their own actions. However, a government-commissioned study has determined that a vibrant economy is "evidently more important than the twenty-five dollars in some old man's bank account", and so by 2015, Singapore plans to ruin more foreigners in casinos than any other shopping mall city in the world.
In a quest to be the most "Kiasu" city in the world, Singapore launched the Singapore Flyer, a.k.a. the-waste-your-money-to-go-up-for-a-ride-but-actually-nothing-to-see observation wheel. It is the world's tallest observation wheel, but of course other nations are going to catch up in the quest for Kiasuism.
The majority of the tourists are stinky Indonesians and Filipinos who like to break rules,damaging public facilities,and disturb other people.Even now,many Indonesians migrate to Singapore and outnumbered the Singaporean themselves.Usually Indonesians who just got back from Singapore will show off his friends that they know the name of the streets.Amateur Indonesians who go to Singapore for the first time will ask "Why do people here can walk for miles outdoor ?" as most mid-upper class Indonesians walk in the mall.The Indonesians and Filipinos are also building their ethnic group empire in order to invade Singapore in a friendly way.Soon Indonesia will conquer Singapore.Many low paid workers such as maids are also Indonesian and Filipino.
Military
Consisting of millions of loyal and dedicated soldiers, the military of Singapore, known as the Singapore Ant Forces or the SAF, is the most powerful ant army in the world and has never lost any battles (because it has not fought in any). All conscripts of the SAF are sent to Pulau Tekong BMT to numb their senses and creativity while enhancing their obedience to the Lee government. This keeps the conscripts fiercely obedient to all orders and instructions. SAF may also stand for the Singapore Angmoh Forces, a secret organisation formed without the knowledge of Big Brother Lee. The reason the number of Angmohs in Singapore has risen so quickly is because they are planning to take over Singapore. Rumours say that the penguins in Madagascar are the brains of the entire operation. No one knows what they will do next.
The secret to their zero military defeat record (despite not being in any battles at all) is rumoured to be attributed to their assisted inception and development by the Israeli Defence Force (IDF). It is also rumoured that many military commanders are actually the by-products of an Israeli military experiment gone terribly wrong.
Soldiers are also trained in the use of biological warfare (see Food section).
The military is also famed for giving out educational bursaries called SAFOS (Special Awards For Ordinary Singaporeans) to 18 year olds in an attempt to "bond their souls" to the military for life. With tea sessions which cost more than a million dollars each to organize, the military does an apparently successful job of convincing the general population that a soldier's life is a glorious and glamorous one; still, as one recruit interviewed by the local newspaper Today in 2007 remarked, "[...] actually we're just all there for the imba siew mai served at the tea reception lah."
Population
Singapore's population currently stands at 7 million, with 6.999999 million being foreign talent. Singapore's poplulation consists of 10% chinese, 5% malays, 4% indians. The rest are indonesians, pinoys, aliens and chimpanzees. However, due to diminishing birth rates and 'hidden' migration out of Singapore, analysts predict that Singapore's population will be no more than three individuals sitting under a coconut tree by the year 2050.
Lee Hsien Loong has predicted that by 2020, all of Singapore's population would be absorbed Foreign Talents except for him, a true blue Singaporean. He also said that there would only be 2 people left. He then went on to say how he would go and reproduce with that anonymous woman and give birth to geniuses. He then went on, saying about how his children would mate with crabs, having simply made up to produce beautiful looking specimens (children).
Religion
The Cult of Lee, or "Leeligion", like the Cult of Jimbo or the Cult of Mao, is a religion dedicated to the image and likeness of the Emperor-God. Other minor religions in Singapore that have yet to be eradicated include Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Taoism, Satanism, Atheism, and Tourism.
Fully compatible with being a member of the Cult of Lee, Kiasuism is a way of life many Singaporeans adhere to. In accordance with its teachings, a Kiasuist must queue on Sundays at his/her local McDonald's restaurant and offer praise to the Hello Kitty doll that comes with a Happy Meal. Also, many Kiasu parents begin teaching their children Kiasuism from a young age. While some less-devout parents merely beat their primary-school children for failing to obtain perfect marks in all subjects, other parents start while their children are in the womb, by reprimanding their fetal-state progeny for not developing properly or fast enough.
All Singaporean citizens, residents, and visitors, voluntary or not, are subject to the jurisdiction of the National Church of Flagellation of Singapore, the fundamental doctrine of which is that all Singaporean citizens, residents, and visitors were born with stupidity and filthiness, and that only through flagellation can the redemption be delivered to all these people.
Food
Singapore has an enormous variety of food, such that the act of being able to lift the menu at any local restaurant qualifies one to represent the country in Olympic weight-lifting. However, many food items (such as "Pig Entrail Soup" and "Yummy Tummy Beans") have such comical or disgusting names that several tourists had to be hospitalized before even consuming them.
One local delicacy that has made headlines is Mee Siam. Mee Siam is a mixture of Asian noodles, prawns, fish, lemongrass, sliced vegetables, and more recently, cockles. This addition was highlighted at the 2006 National Day Rant (NDR) by the Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong Mai Hum. The announcement sent shock waves through the market, and the price of cockles rose dramatically, trading at a peak of US$75.25 per kilogram of cockles.
Another delicacy is the all-mighty Durian. This delicacy is central to the Singapore Armed Forces, due to its great usefulness as a biological weapon. Examples are the D24-Class Durian Bomb and the Mao Shan Wang Durian coated Missiles. Durians are enjoyed by all of the populace, as those who did not enjoy the smell have already been killed by it.
Well known as the "Food Paradise", Singapore loves to steal Malaysia's foods as their food, and more recently, solely prepared by cheap labour Chinamen, often called "Ah Tiongs". For example, try the "Fried Kuay Tiao". Singaporeans have taken the fabulous tasting hawker food from their neighbouring country and by adding lots and lots of sugar to it, they have successfully turn it into a candy only kids would love, the "White Rabbit Candy". They even claim the famous Roti Canai is Singaporean and call it "Roti Prata".
Education
The Singaporean education system is based upon military-style education, which encompasses crushing the will of the student and molding him or her into the image of a leader. This style is beginning to be emulated in many schools around the world, with Wheeling Jesuit University being one of the first institutions of higher learning to adopt such a system. Students are also forced to dunk their heads into barrels full of fish and mucus while reciting the whole alphabet or memorizing All Your Base Are Belong To Us so they will not lose out in computer trivia for their GP. Water boarding and sleep deprivation are also commonly-used techniques to instill discipline in the Singaporean education system. When questioned on the viability of such techniques, PM Lee merely shrugged and said:
| “ | If the CIA can use them, why not the MOE? | ” |
In addition to such character formation, students are also indoctrinated at a young age through a system known as National Education, where students are fed a "true version" of the history and politics of Singapore. Mind-control also begins at age six, and students are bombarded by mind-control rays every day at school from primary one onwards, through National Service (for the boys) till university; after which, their probability of losing a lucrative job to smarter foreigners is an optimistic 100%.
In response to Singapore's illustrious education track record, US President Barack Obama frowned, then proceeded to talk about why US was had more of the "get-that-girl!" attitude rather than Singapore's "Aiyoh-study-won't-die-one" attitude - charisma was so good that it made an academic idiot become president great.
Healthcare
Singapore's healthcare is known for being notoriously lousy. In fact, it is so pathetic that 100% of all patients that get admitted to hospital die. This is not surprising given the lousy hygiene standards in Singapore, which is one of the filthiest countries in the world.
One fact that is unknown to most people is that the "doctors" and "nurses" in the hospitals are actually quack doctors and quack nurses, who have absolutely no knowledge about medicine and disease. They are also highly superstitious and stubborn, believing that "holy dirt" swept up from the filthy streets of Singapore can cure all diseases. This is another contributing factor to the 100% mortality rate of hospital patients. However, the government refuses to acknowledge this fact. One day, when a BBC reporter confronted him with evidence, PM Lee shouted "The people are replaceable! Stop insulting me, you bitch!" and killed the BBC reporter on the spot with a pistol.
Transportation
Cars
Singapore cars always drive not on the right side, but on the left side. Compared to its neighbour in Malaysia, there are not so many traffic jams and accident because there are not so many cars on the roads. People wanting a car needs to empty his wallet, swipe his credit cards, take his children pocket money, and steal from a Standard Charted bank in Holland Village just to pay off the COE (Certificate of Expensive stuff) needed for the car. After that, he might as well not own the car and file for bankruptcy.
MRT and buses
The public transportation infrastructure is extremely robust in Singapore. In fact, so labyrinthine is Singapore's system of underground tunnels that governmental advisories have been issued against excessive foot-stomping and mass gatherings. (See section: Legal System and Judiciary.)
If you think the MRT (Messy Rapid Trains System) looks similar to the London Underground, you are correct. It is "Uniquely Singapore", even down to the recording of the same, brainless, British women repeating "Mind the Gap". The MRT trains are very highly energy efficient (after all we are a GREEN CITY). Trains will cut off their air conditioning systems and lights for about 4-5 stations (10-15min travelling time) before resuming for 2 stations (5-6min).
To make boarding more efficient, the MRT carriages have been specially designed with an A*STAR researched device known as the iVacuum. These devices will make the carriages filled with vacuum before the trains arrive at each station. The vacuum is so strong that you can see passengers being sucked to the small little opening of the station doors even before the train arrives. Once the train arrives and the doors open, the passengers are then sucked in very quickly. The vacuum effect is sometimes so powerful that some passengers have problems alighting. Such effect is very powerful during peak hours.
Besides the MRT, there is also the 'lite-version' call the LRT (Lite Rapid Transit). It runs as fast as a Singaporean grandmother picking up rubbish on the roads. There are also buses which are remote-controlled by four different bus companies, which are also remote-controlled by the LTA, a government agency for public transport.
E-scoters and bicycles
To promote a car-lite future, yet still wanting the F1 speed not achieved by the bus and MRT, the government finally agreed to allow those new-fangled devices called E-scooters and motorised bicycles (which are not motorcycles). However, this is another way the government is trying to generate revenue. If you just exceed the speed limit of 25 km/h, plus adding more funny stuff on your device the government does not approve, there is a chance to empty your wallets to a traffic warden or processed in Room 101 at Changi.
Also can see
- 500 foot tall turd monster
- History of Singapore
- Lee Kwan Yew
- Lee Hsien Loong
- Remaking Singapore
- Singapore does not exist
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