Chapters of Singapore
Based on the true archives of Uncyclopedia, this is a complete archive of the chapters of Singapore. Try to keep all forms of criticisms, complaints, comments and any form of discontentment to yourself, or face heavy imposed yet sexy fines and savvy lawsuits approved by the leading party known as the People's Action Party. Thank you, and enjoy reading the rest of the article.
History of Singapore[edit]
Genesis[edit]
A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...
...two rival religious tribes, the Singlisharan and the Kiasurian, waged localized war on Southeast Milky Way, on what is now known as the Malay Way (or, informally, Universe's Penis). Engaged in a conflict over the cultivation of universal fowl, the Kiasurians had been pushed all the way back to the southernmost tip of the continent, fortifying themselves in a defensive position against the oncoming Singlisharans. Hopelessly outnumbered, the shrewd Kiasurians decided that their best plan of action was to fight a stronghold at the tip of the South. After a short but vicious battle, the Singlisharans prevailed, and they stormed the defensive outpost. However, a few Kiasurian warriors survived, and in a last desperate move, the Kiasurian warriors detonated a gigantic proportion of land which destroyed a significant portion of the Singlisharan army.
A geological side effect was felt almost at once. The southernmost tip of the galaxy, connected only by a narrow strip of space to begin with, detached from the rest of the mainland, hewing an artificial island out of the destruction, irradiated and completely devoid of any useful natural resources. The Singlisharans left, but not before pressing human rights charges against the Kiasurians in a legal battle that would last for the next millennium.
Mutated lifeforms soon began to appear on the island, although next to no vegetation ever grew back. Many of these lifeforms went extinct within a single generation, but a very significant single one remains to this day: the Merlion hybrid ,named with limited creativity for its resemblance to a lion's head super-glued into the back of a fish. Some say the first Merlion hybrid was created when a desperate outcast lion mated with a mythical mermaid in an attempt to attain an orgasm. The result of this distasteful act was the birth of the first Merlion hybrid. The Merlion hybrid needs no external food supply and simply feeds on tourists at William Sentosa, digesting them while spewing out gallons and gallons of "NEWater" a day. Also, the characteristics of the kiasurian and the singisharan lasts till today, letting us become kiasu and speak English.
Settlement[edit]
The first human to set foot on the island since the Cissegaran/Kiasurian crisis was a traveling onion peeler Sang Needa Nula Nalala Utamalala, who sailed from one of the islands in Indonesia, specifically Java to look for new onion-peeling markets. Historical evidence suggests that Sang Nelala Utamalala first stepped foot on the then-unnamed Singapore circa 1644. Few primary records remain of his first visitation of Singapore. But it is believed he saw a tiger, and mistook it as a lion but in fact it was the hybrid evil Merlion. That tiger suddenly pounced on him, giving him such a shock that he exclaimed "Singapu Lah!"
Sang Needa Nula Nalala Utamalala eventually returned to Singapore when he received word from an inside trader that having fins instead of paws made onions "fraking impossible" to peel. Sang Needa Nula Nalala Utamalala thus set up a permanent store there and christened the island Temasek, which really means nothing as it was the sound that Sang Nelala Utamalala made when he sneezed. Sang Nelala Utamalala returned home one last time to bring his wife over, and they had seventy-five little Sang Nelalas by the time he passed away peacefully at the age of 126. A storm struck Temasek two weeks after his death, and his wife and progeny were left stranded with the fishmen.
The Rising Sun Invasion[edit]
The island colony lay virtually undisturbed until the epic events of World War II, when the evil Empire of the Rising Sun and some eggs were spawned after the Soviets attempted to rewrite history to save their commie' asses by teleporting to the past and erased Albert Einstein, leaving the Allies (especially the British) weakened. The Empire of the Rising Sun took the opportunity to grow into an evil powerful military might overnight, beginning the mass production of wasabi, obscure but terribly important mechanical parts, and sharp things. They began searching for a new location to test prototype gundams, deciding that the hapless island of Singapore and its witless inhabitants would prove to be a most agreeable spot. In 1942, the first throw egg session against Singapore was launched, killing 16 and destroying a local tanning booth by the Le Creuset team. The gundams and more eggs arrived on bicycles from Malaysia down the Johor Causeway. The British cried foul as they had earlier spent the remaining credits building a strong fortified fortress facing the South with all their guns were facing towards the southern seas, believing that the evil Empire of the Rising Sun will make an amphibious assault and rush with "Shogun Battleships and Naginata Crusiers" spam. Hence, the epic drama unfolds as the Empire of the Rising Sun mass-spam bicycles and eggs from the North and base-rape the British fortress from the rear. - "I say old chap, that's rather poor sportsmanship to come in from the rear." Ever since then, homosexuals have had it bad in Singapore.
The brave British soldiers claimed they would never surrender to the Empire of the Rising Sun, but due to irony in the ranks they surrendered till the last man, led by the brave British war coward Arthur Ernest "Not in the rear!" Percival at the front of the line for POW uniforms. Follow-up attacks were ones of petty abuse of human rights (especially females, by Kira Yamato). The locals cried out for a hero, and providence delivered one.
The Great Independence[edit]
The cries were loud and clear. It was so loud that it shook the world of P3X-888. A sentient parasitic being from an inter-dimensional world appear out of nowhere and infested one of the locals. And his name was Lee Kwan Yew. Taking pity on the island's dozy residents, as well of taking full advantage to meet his egomanical needs, he single-handedly defeated no fewer than 250 gundam robot attacks, at times even holding his own against a dozen or more at once. Unbeknown to the evil Empire of the Rising Sun, Lee Kwan Yew made used of whatever assimilated technology and became armed with electromagnetic (commonly known as brain-damaging) and cyberpathic powers (shouting at the technician). The turning point was when he defeated the renowned General Assram Zara, tricking him into self-destructing his Infineon Justice Gundam. The final showdown barely a year later was one of the most titanic events in Singaporean history, with Lee unleashing his final release (卍解, bankai) upon Kira Yamato's Grand Master Strike Freedom Gundam, obliterating it in one blast. With that, Lee Kwan Yew defeated the Japanese, and even drove the British from Singaporean shores. After the British left, Malaysia conquered Singapore and built a gigantic shopping mall (that covered the whole island) and a strange railway station in the heart of Singapore, situated at Tanjong Pagar. In 1965, Lee petitioned the United Nations to grant the shopping mall a seat, as well as a seat in the railway station's toilet. This caused a war between the United States and Malaysia. Malaysia was defeated in the war, and Singapore was eventually granted a seat for both the shopping mall and the railway station's toilet.
The Lee Dynasty rises[edit]
Since Lee defeated the foreign conquerors, Singapore has embarked on the path to a Golden Age, which mysteriously ended in 1985 when Lee's Goa'uld symbiote began to hibernate. In 2005, he initiated a "Peaceful Handover" of Power to his incredibly unbelievable son, Crown Prince Lee Hsien Loong Mai Hum, whose controversial "Cowboy Hats For All!" and "Mee Siam Mai Hum" policies have yet to inject positive economic growth into the country like he promised it would. Lee Hsien Loong's assistants try to spit everywhere in Singapore in a weak attempt to help generate economic growth into the country somehow in order to fulfill his promise, which failed nevertheless and nobody give a damn anyhow.
Future of Singapore[edit]
Based on the chronicles of time travelers Hiro Nakamura and Peter Petrelli, the following events will happen, or otherwise altered due to complicated time-altering consequences.
Save the foreigners, save the nation[edit]
The Recession will still happen in 2009, causing thousands to lose jobs. If not, millions! To help the poor and needy, the government will implement a further increase of GST (Goods and Service Tax) to 13%, so that the nation can save the poor. However this is not enough as the nation is falling as the increase of GST will cause a further impact on The Recession, which will fire even more locals, as a result causing the nation's economy to crumble. Prime Minister Lee will take an unorthodox method to save the nation. In his future rally speech in August 2009, he will make a memorable catchphrase "Save The Foreigners, Save The Nation". His concept of saving the nation involves bringing in even more foreign talents to Singapore, so that these foreign talents can bring a boost in economy and eventually save the nation. What about the locals? Everyone else will ask. "They can survive, there's a way, somehow. (...giggles...) Men can always sign on to The Army, women as usual, can be the SPGs they always dreamed of, and children can find odd part-time jobs that last 16 hours a day, a dollar an hour, why not?", Prime Minister Lee will reply, shrugging as he will speak.
The Lee Dynasty Strikes Back[edit]
COE will increase, more E.R.P. gantries will be installed after the "Beep Beep Beep" discussion becomes a reality, GST increased to an unbelievable 50%, cost of power supply increased by 42%, public transport increase fares twice the rate to meet profit margins. More foreign talents will be imported to inject more economic growth in Singapore. Singapore birth rate will dwindle, the lowest in the millennium, at a 0.01% rate. Prime Minister will further impose more money profiting schemes to aid the elites and the foreign talents only, promoting them to give birth more. More Opposition leaders will be charged with unbelievable political crimes as the 2011 Election is drawing close. The peasant community will be very unhappy, and in response, Prime Minister will open a statement that has similar context with "What to do, it has happened."
Basically, the only concept of life Singaporeans have is to block it out by saying they are 'open-minded' and 'thankful' by criticizing other countries. Lee has full control over a nation by using his classic template of totalitarianism; conscience-pricking methodologies. Anything that anyone is not happy with, will be 'picked' on by telling that person to "grateful for what he has". This attitude has been solidly imbued in almost all Singaporeans, who wallow in deceit and pathetic euphemisms who use the same conscience-pricking methodologies to silence any others who dare to speak up.
The 2011 election[edit]
The next election will take place before 2011. Prior to the start of the premature Election, PAP will throw in more cash and fried chicken drumsticks to turn more brainless peasants to support them. The Opposition, being poor, relies heavily on the blasphemies of what the leading party done for the past four years to fuel hatred and more support against their rivals. The Election will begin. The Opposition seems winning, gathering more support as the days will go by. Suddenly in one desperate sweeping move, Minister Mentor will declare that the what's left of the Opposition rivals that they commit some form of political crime, and lock them in prison eternally. The Opposition supporters will cry foul, with no leaders, will be unable to fight the Election. PAP will win by default yet again, as expected. More good years ahead.