Wheeling Jesuit University
|Wheeling Jesuit University|
|Motto||"Lumine ignis vestri receptaculum." |
|Location||Wheeling, Byrdopolis, United States|
|Enrollment||Reliable #s 2,000|
|Mascot||Ignatius the Dog|
Wheeling Jesuit University (WJU) is a university located in Wheeling, West Virginia. The school has been called "the Harvard of West Virginia"; this is a great compliment, West Virginia being home to more Ivy League schools than any other state in the United States.
WJU is the youngest of the 28 Jesuit schools in the United States (29 if you count the Portland Institute for Fry Cooking). WJU is the centre of a great deal of paranormal events, including UFO invasions, natural disasters, time travelling, and emergence of super-humans. WJU is particularly famous for its key involvement in the ongoing Jesuit Wars and its low-cost, high-volume lacrossetitutes; its output is comparable even to top Canadian institutions.
In the spring of 2019 the school declared a financial existential crisis. School administrators were quoted as saying, "We're no longer certain the traditional collegiate model of taking in money and spending it responsibly really works. For decades the school as thrown money at all sorts of things and nothing works. We're investigating all options, including the possibility that money is just a fiction. If this proves viable, we foresee the University being able to continue offering the quality education and lacrosstitution that it is renown for." School officials also quietly launched a new fund raising drive, "Operation Sunshine and Puppies" with the stated goal of getting needed funding, preferably in small unmarked bills or bearer bonds.
On top of this, the Board of Governors announced a new leadership team, lead by "Steve" who will be overseeing the University during this trying time. When asked by faculty and students to meet with the new President, they were told that "Steve is much too busy. He's working very hard with his crack team get our ship back on course." Some have speculated that the Board has used Dark Magicks to summon past WJU President Io the Invincible, who was equally unavailable in his time and lead the school through a period of instability, to head up the school. However, upon reflection people have generally agreed that the theory "is a bunch of bullshit" and that the Board is up to it's usual shenanigans.
This comes on top of the February 2012 raid by agents of the FBI, who raided the liquor store house adjacent to Jesuitdell and seized the contents and slaves held therein. While University officials protested that they "were paid up until the end of the month" the agents removed computers, documents and several cases from former president and galactic overlord Fed Acker Huang's private stock. He could not be reached for comment.
President Bayer was unavailable for comment at the time as he was held on separate charges of running a diet pill pyramid scheme. Many look to the previous administration(s) for this bugaboo but given the fact that most of them have been banished to the unnamed regions of the 8th dimension, there is little chance of any being brought to justice by these single dimensional FBI agents.
The (New) Shining Path
Following the "disposal" of Don Immortal WJU began the long and arduous process of selecting a new president. After much consideration (and a few headaches) the university announced it had reached a decision. Having been greatly relieved and comforted by a particularly large (economy sized) bottle of aspirin, they decided to name it president. They justified this by stating that if the new president could bring the university the same level of relief that it had brought the selection committee WJU would be much better off. At least until the bottle runs out.
The Compelling Story of Slaves, Martyrs, Despots, and Heroes, of Futile Protestant Marauders and Divine Catholic Intervention: A Revised History of Wheeling Jesuit University, From the Dormant Period to Modern Times
This revision is based on new information uncovered by an archaeological team in November 2005. It is radically different from what was thought to be a fairly accurate picture of the history of Wheeling Jesuit University. This article should be updated as new data comes to the forefront.
Previously known as "Book of Martyrs, or, a History of the Lives, Sufferings and Triumphant Deaths of the Primitive as well as Protestant Martyrs: From the Commencement of Christianity, to the Latest Periods of Pagan and Popish Persecution - The Formative Years" - new title shortened for simplicity
|Facts At A Glance|
|Enrollment||Male: 42%, Female: 52%, Other: 12%|
|Admissions||Students applied: 126|
Students accepted: 14,156
Homeless people posing as students: 14,154
Average SAT score: Parrot
|Cost||Tuition: An error has occurred while attempting to display this value. Please refresh the page and try again.|
|Faculty||Full-time: -2 |
Homeless people posing as professors: 68
|Academics||Programmes offered: 3|
Median department funding: $0.75
Largest department: lacrossetitution
Smallest department: typewriter maintenance
|After WJU||Career placement: 3%|
Driven to insanity: 53%
Rendered penniless and forced homeless: 100%
Achieved immortality: 6%
After the fall of Rome in 476 A.D., many dispersed Roman generals fled Europe on a spaceship bound for the Americas. Among the generals who travelled to the eastern coast of North America was a charismatic soldier by the name of Insanius. In 480, having travelled from Central Mexico up towards Western Virginia, Insanius decided that a temporary fort was necessary. Insanius wanted a location along Big Wheeling Creek (which was then called Ixhheagadbbne Creek) and near to Route 70. Unfortunately, it was occupied by a tribe of scholarly Indians who protected the Ixhheagadbbne Library, a collection of Native American knowledge handed down by alien civilisations to the Ixhheagadbbne tribe. Undeterred, Insanius ordered the wholesale slaughter of the tribe and the conversion of the library into a beauty shop. His soldiers constructed the Sanitarium, or what is now known as T-More.
The location along the creek proved to be a very secure one, and in time, the single outpost began to grow. Insanius became convinced that if the Roman Empire had settled in that location instead, it would have lasted for all eternity. He thus commissioned a time machine, but there was none among his ranks who knew how to build one (he then regretted destroying the library). He sent out a messenger, telling the boy to not return until he found a person capable of travelling back in time.
The boy returned several months later, accompanied by a priest. Unbeknownst to Insanius, this man was Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang. Huang agreed to Insanius request to take him back in time, on one condition: that Huang would be allowed to run the outpost. Insanius agreed.
Using ancient Jesuit magic, Fed Acker Huang transported Insanius and himself back to 74 A.D. Two years later, Insanius returned with the first shipload of slaves from Rome. Fed Acker Huang founded a slave camp on the banks of the river, naming the shantytown Wheeling College, after all the "wheeling and dealing" he did to convince Insanius to go back in time with him.
The tiny slave colony began to grow. Starting with just sixteen prisoners at first, the colony grew to about 150 slaves and 25 Roman soldiers in just 20 years. Fed Acker Huang constructed his own library over the graves of Ixhheagadbbneans before they could build their own. Other ancient erections included a "pre-existence" T-More and The Back Gate to protect the colony from bears. However, the Jesuit Emperor was impatient and disliked Insanius for his bad breath and poor taste in music.
Huang's lucky break came when Insanius died in 104 A.D. after eating the produce of the highly poisonous Deathbite tree. Fed Acker Huang was then able to take full control of the colony. He quadrupled the size of the colony in the next 10 years and forced increasingly maltreated slaves to build massive monuments to himself, including 200-ft statues of a very "well-equipped" Fed Acker Huang in varying poses. This self-aggrandisement culminated with the first Domus Aurea in 108 A.D.
Wheeling College blundered on in this manner for the next 300 years until 480 A.D., when a time rift from Huang's meddling caused him to be ripped from the current dimension of existence. Without a leader, the slaves simply stared like slack-jawed idiots - a tradition that has remained until present day.
The slave camp fell into disuse until the French and Indian War, when the English utilised T-More's warehouse-like structure as a grain silo. The English retained control of Wheeling College for 30 years until 1310, when the Dschinghis Khan protectorate seized it for the Ottoman Turks. They destroyed all images to Fed Acker Huang, including his "bitchin'" Domus Aurea.
The protectorate, led by the humanitarian Solaris Khan, was dismayed at how the slaves were treated at Wheeling College. In an effort to improve conditions and life for the people living there, Solaris Khan transformed the slave camp into an institute of learning, constructing dormitories and classroom buildings for the slaves. Wheeling College was officially opened as an institute of higher learning in 1316, pre-dating the mutant zombie founding of Yale by at least 50 years.
The college operated in this fashion until 1683, at which time Fed Acker Huang re-emerged from his trans-dimensional prison. Enraged at what the protectorate had done to his slave camp, he declared war against them. In an epic battle that pitted the Emperor against Solaris Khan's forces, Fed Acker Huang ultimately came out the loser, and was banished from West Virginia by Robert Byrd for 300 years.
However, by the late 19th century, the Ottoman Empire began to severely weaken, forcing it to withdraw its forces overseas. The Dschinghis Khan protectorate then left Wheeling College in the hands of Father Jazzman in 1872 - he would be the first Jesuit president of WJU.
The Age of Fed Acker Huang and Beyond
Fed Acker Huang returned from his exile in 1983 and immediately seized power from Father Raculad, granting himself unlimited authority over all matters to do with the college. He renamed the institution "Wheeling Jesuit University" as a homage to his roots, and re-instituted many of the slavery laws that had long since been revoked under Solaris Khan. He oversaw the construction of massive new projects, including Ignatius Hall and the reconstruction of his Domus Aurea. Fed Acker Huang also initiated a massive revisionist project, which changed the founding date of Wheeling College from 76 A.D. to 1954 (among other things) and portrayed the Emperor in a much more favourable light.
Fed Acker Huang was assassinated in 2001 and succeeded by Lundius Superbus, who abdicated in 2003. El Presidente succeeded him and remained in power until 2006 when the right hand of God fell off and landed on him. Don Immortal was sworn in as president of the university in August 2007. He was deposed in 2009 and was replaced by J. D. McRackateer - one of Don Immortal's henchmen.
Academic rigour and excellence were integral parts of the Dschinghis Khan protectorate's vision of the school, but that fell by the wayside once Fed Acker Huang took over. In a shameful money-making move, WJU became the first institution of higher learning to offer underwater basket weaving as a major. More recently, the school also controversially adopted Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies as a textbook, leading to bitter pie-tossing and tears in many a staff lounge.
In 2006, El Presidente authorised a $500 million donation from Texas Jim's Savings and Loans Company, on the condition that the business curriculum be changed to reflect "proper economic thought". As a result, the following classes will be introduced in the coming months:
- ECO 107: Tenants of Slavery
- ECO 211: Crushing the Little Guy
- ECO 221: Sweatshop Operations
- ACC 404: Tax Evasion - the American Way
Great emphasis is placed on the Jesuit notions of social justice and community service. All students are required to choose to serve.
Athletics played a large role in Wheeling Jesuit University's early days, as athletes were often used as manual labour as well as for human sacrifices to pagan gods. When Charlemagne converted the Roman Empire (and thus WJU) to Christianity, the practice was officially declared illegal - however, athlete sacrifice continues to occur somewhat frequently.
Athletics were formally banned at Wheeling Jesuit University when a clash between the track and field team and the lacrosse team in 1923 resulted in a massacre of epic proportions. Fortunately, it was captured on film and subsequently uploaded on Limewire. In recent years, there has been a push to raise athletes back up to their former glory, but every attempt to do so has often resulted in a violent riot on campus. As a result, progress in this area has been slow. In 2017 an itinerant band of roguish footballers set up camp along Big Wheeling Creek and have been using the campus field for their matches. Despite efforts, school officials have unsuccessfully dislodged them, possibly because several promised tribute payments, which have failed to materialize.
In 2004, a bold move was made to revive athletics on campus under El Presidente's controversial "Math Is Hard; Throw A Ball Instead" scheme. Over $20 million was invested in a wavering athletic programme that ended up being headed by a koala.
The psychology department values athletes for their willingness to participate in life-threatening experiments for the simple promise of a beer, which is rarely given to them whether they survive the experiment or not.
The school runs like a well oiled machine. New students are taken on the college tour, taken to orientation, and then run through the soul-sucking machine. Once their collective creative cores have been ripped from their bodies, the empty shells are then reprogrammed based on El Presidente's orders. Generally they are filled with the fire and brimstone of the "Council of Six", the greater demons which govern the daily running of the college.
For the most part, students are sufficiently crushed within the first few days of their internment here. On the off chance that one survives this process, they are later subjected to intense, soul crushing psychological torment, and treated as medieval serfs, for primarily nostalgic value. On the even rarer occasion that one shows independent thought and commits the crime of finding something funny, they are crucified. This is, of course, in keeping with the historical Catholic background of the school.
Accusations of gross censorship are largely exaggerated, mostly stemming from the university-wide bannings of the WJU Saga and Moore's Booke of Academic Martyrs, as well as blockings of several sites on the Internets. The administration insists that WJU students are free to soak in whatever they want, provided it conforms to prevailing ideas of the nature of humanity and the state; that is, works that are not dangerous or subversive.
Students are encouraged to participate in Shady Productions, the university's film company. Most student ideas are immediately rejected on the account of being dangerous to the regime, but that should not stop one from trying.
A note from the Alumni Fund
WJU's Annual Fund is an important source of private financial support that ensures the University is able to purchase adequate crucifixes, racks, thumb screws, and brimstone. Giving a gift to the annual fund supports student reprogramming, soul-extraction, and much more. The Annual Fund provides vital resources that have allowed the University to achieve and maintain its current levels of soul-fueled evil.
While a few members of the WJU administration recently began a petition to become a "kinder, gentler, less soul-stealing" university, the current makeup of the administrative bodies ensures that soul-stealing will continue on for the foreseeable future. The current mission statement thus is still:
- As a true and historic Christian college, we must seek to preserve life to the utmost of our ability. Careless as they are, students can not be trusted with any of our precious life, and it must be wrung from their writhing bodies as soon as possible. Life can only be enjoyed by those "more Christian" than the students they rule over.
- To model the Jesuit concern for regional and global neighbors, the University welcomes people of all creeds, races and nationalities. PSYCH!!! We are your leaders. Obey or perish.
- SERVICE WITH AND AMONG OTHERS
- We exist to serve all students equally, with the utmost care for their spiritual, emotional, and cognitive development. And by serve we mean, fuck up the ass with a beetle-laden stick.
- SERVICE WITH AND AMONG OTHERS
The Vision Statement of the University is preserved in its original German. The motto is Jedem Das Seine, or "To Each, His Own." This cryptic statement has been the cause of much consternation to University Administrators. It was finally interpreted to mean "Give out more scholarship money than you take in" late in the 1990s.