Wheeling Jesuit University/Groups/Lacrossetitute

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Typically, a female (though not always) who earns her keep by exchanging sexual favours with members of a lacrosse team.


Burt Reynolds purchases himself some lacrossetitutes. Hoo yeah!

Before the takeover of Wheeling Jesuit University by the Dschinghis Khan protectorate, there was a great shortfall of lebensraum for the students. As a result, students had to employ their own talents to survive in the harsh winter of 1269. Some students worked as labourers, others served as leaders of ersatz communities that looked after their neighbours. This time was especially cruel for women. Since many women at the university did not know how to cook, they were forced to endure what Ray Charles described as "Hard Times". Some women were very experienced in the sexual arts from their High School days, and hocked their wares. In the meantime, the lacrosse team needed a form of entertainment. They came upon the solution of giving quarter to some of these women in exchange for services provided. This programme proved highly successful, and soon was modeled by other schools in similar situations.

Contemporary Times[edit]

After the hard times, the need for quarter dropped drastically. However, there remained a constant supply of young ladies willing to participate in the programme. To sweeten the deal, many incentives were offered. Though found objectionable at first by some, the Lacrossetitute programme has proven to be a complete success. Whenever a political crisis hits, or a natural disaster strikes, there is an "easy" way for young women to obtain shelter. Furthermore, the illegitimate offspring of these unions is being brought up as an army of supermen to fight for nefarious causes at some future date, possibly even by ITS.


The lacrossetitute programme came under fire in 1994 when the Cardinal Connection leaked a report saying that a baby produced from this programme was hastily disposed of in the middle of the night. Campus officials vehemently denied this, and any students on the case were quickly tried and killed. The programme came even further under fire when El Presidente proposed in his 2002 speech that "lacrossetitution" ought to become an official academic major at Wheeling Jesuit University. Plans were underway to include the major in the curriculum, but initial response to the programme was so overwhelming that countless scheduling issues forced to put the introduction of the degree on hold.