Wheeling Jesuit University/Publications/Cardinal Connection
The Cardinal Connection is the official production of the Wheeling Jesuit University Department of Misinformation. It is primarily used to spread the doctrines as laid down by Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang, as well as a purveyor of pro-authoritarian viewpoints as expressed by campus officials. The Cardinal Connection draws from many dangerous sources of information, such as the evil Wikipedia.
History[edit]
The Cardinal Connection was established in 1921 for the purpose of being a general newsletter of campus happenings; Issue #1 was a one-sided sheet of paper that simply read "ALL PRAISE FATHER DONAHUE!" in large print. The newsletter slowly evolved into a proper campus newspaper, occasionally featuring a cleverly-written article worth reading while on the toilet.
However, Father Rom seized control of the Cardinal Connection in 1940 and temporarily placed a ban on production of the paper under his infamous Project Lebensraum. He allowed the paper to resume production three weeks later under the same name, but with an entirely different slant. Considered to be the genesis of Cardinal Connection in its current incarnation, most of the paper was dedicated towards blindly praising Father Rom and Project Lebensraum, up until his mysterious assassination a short time later.
In 1973, Father Bantufavi lifted the censorship of content on the Cardinal Connection, but confused journalism students had no idea of the concept of free will, and simply continued to publish the paper with the same content as it always had; the first issue after the lifting of the censorship likened Father Raculad to a god, and every female member of the staff begged him to be the father of their children. He refused on fifteen counts.
The Cardinal Connection became, if possible, even more unpopular with the installation of Fed Acker Huang, whom they referred to as "pretty much The Messiah" and "a God among men". This tradition continued both with Lundius Superbus and with El Presidente, the former of whom was named "Sexiest. WJU President. Ever." in a reader's choice poll (even though both readers voted Father Rom over him, he was declared the winner by the editor due to "fraudulent voting practices").
The Cardinal Connection Today[edit]
Residence Life unofficially declared the Cardinal Connection to be its mouthpiece, and the paper continues to espouse views remarkably similar to those of Residence Life today. Many of the paper's best writers resigned in protest. The paper today is run by a skeleton crew of three business major students, a ghost, a yucca plant, and five bear cubs. The Mother Bears of the Bear Colony staged a protest in 2004 against the use of child labour.
The Cardinal Connection prides itself in being at the forefront of progress, advocating the routine use of doublespeak in its articles, frequently dropping unnecessary words in order to promote goodthink. If articles read as though they were written by a cat after being dipped in olive oil, don't be fooled. It is all for the purposes of supporting the regime.
Uses Of The Cardinal Connection[edit]
- Kitty litter
- Makeshift placemat for Hardee's burgers
- Ideal for soaking up vomit
- Ideal for cleaning windows
- Paper airplanes
- Death by paper cuts
Spot The Mistakes![edit]
MONTHLY CONTEST: If you can spot more factual/grammatical mistakes in an issue of the Cardinal Connection than your local Churchill Society member, you stand a chance to WIN $500 in prizes! Contact your local Churchill Society member or representative today!