Ray Charles

Ray Charles eating a microphone.

Ray Charles was the last black blind singer of the defunct style of music called "soul," a briefly lived mixture of soul, ambient grindcore and industrial rock techno music. He is also known as the martian inventor of corn puppies, and unknowingly had a short television acting career in the late 1980's, portraying Geordie LaForge on the show Star Trek: The Next Generation; he was promptly replaced by LeVar Burton upon discovering his own involvement in the show; "Space? You mean it? Outer space?!? Gawdayum it's dark..."

Ray was also considered for the role of Bill Cosby's brother Jerry Cosby on the Cosby Show, but was denied the role when producers thought his blind man impression was too good. He subsequently won a $3000 discrimination settlement against the Cosby estate. Fight the power Ray.

Childhood

Ray Charles Robinson was created in 1964 by Nat "King" Cole, using his ability to psychically impregnate fellow songwriter Bernice Williams. As a result of the unexpected pregnancy, Williams channeled the life-force energy into co-creating the famous and catchy song Duke of Earl. Even his Kingly status and royal lizard blood could not, however, save Nat King Cole from a hideous fate. Nat soon disintegrated after creating Ray's Dukedom, and less than 50 years later, Cole's daughter Natalie died in a similar fashion as witnessing her father's fate triggered a slower, yet much less talented disintegration. Contrary to popular belief that he said, "I'm coming, Wheezie!" Charles' last words were actually, "The best thing I ever did?: I killed the banks."

Early in his childhood, Ray found a magical pair of sunglasses that he immediately fell in love with. When he donned the sunglasses, his love for them bound them to his skull. As Ray grew older, he became fond of his eyeballs instead of the glasses, who became jealous and teased, taunted, and called his eyes fat until they ran away while Ray was sleeping. The next time they would see Ray would be at his funeral, where the two orbs gave moving speeches on the nature of love.

He started to go blind as a case of chronic masturbation. By the age of seven, he had gone totally blind. He moved to Florida to go to St. Augustine's School for the Deaf and Blind. He learned Braille and how to play a variety of instruments, including the piano. After his ninth year there his mother died (his father followed two years later) and he then decided to move to Seattle, Washington to pursue a promising career as a professional chocolate man.

What Really

This is a very roughly translated excerpt from the mystically elusive book Ray Charles: This Ain't My Autobiography, Son. Charles developed a knack for writing in the third person as a hobby when he became blind, but had a terrible misspelling problem. Reasons for writing the book are unknown, some scholars argue that he wasn't actually blind, and that he wrote the story to validate his false blindness, which he learned to exploit for success. Others say he didn't actually write it, as evidenced by the obvious title, but 4 out of 5 of those scholars were blind themselves and never actually read the book. Others argue that it's just nonsensical nonsense that he put together over his various hallucinogenic highs which were all caused because of his chronic masturbation.

Career

Upon graduated at the top of his class at the Preperatory School for the Association of Exceptionally Black Young Blind Negro Association of the Colored People Association of America. (where, incidentally, he joined the infamously mysterious Spoon and Fork Club) he began his illustrious career in the music business. He began to fuse his people's music, jazz, with grindcore, bluegrass, and funk. He enjoyed instant popularity as a pioneer of Jizz music. His concerts were legendary, attracting hard buns from across the globe to come witness his Jizz. His Jizz spread across the U.S. at an alarming speed, landing on the hearts of millions.

Marriage

Ray Charles was wed to Hellen Keller in 1972. They thought they had given birth to twins Carol and Caroline in 1975 but later realized they had been raising two large pot roasts.

Popularity

Ray is among the few inspirations for black artists, especially on the internet. He was among the first black people to figure out exactly how to use a computer and afterwards the internet, despite the fact that he was blind. His support of free file sharing and distribution of music put him under undue scrutiny in 2001 when the RIAA interned him in one of their camps/prisons. He was convicted and executed of a crime never named, torturing his conscience for three years. In his final moments the RIAA stood coldly before him, a look on its face of emptiness and heartless contempt. "Like a bog!" he smasped, with his last breath, as the executioner's sword sunk deeply into his chest.

Fun facts

• In Ray's hometown of Albany, GA they honor Ray on his birthday; by erecting a giant chocolate statue of him, downtown in front of the court house. All the children in town come out and lick Ol' Chocolate Ray until the sun goes down, or until he melts into a pile of brown goo, whichever comes first.
• The only reason he smiles so much is because he loves it when he hears people applaud for him.