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Croatianflag.jpg Cromarten.jpg
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto (unofficial): "We'll cross that blown-up bridge when we get there"
National Anthem: Uptown Funk
Official language Not Serbian
Capital Zagreb ("Scratch City")
Government Catholic Oligarchy Masquerading as Democratic Republic
President Booty in Chief - Kolinda "Booty-licious" Grabar-Kitarović
Best actress Ševerina Vučković alias Ševe (stolen video)
Currency Liquor Bottles
Population Not many, due to the wolves
Religion TV, followed by ritual coffee drinking and swigs of Rakija (Basement Liquor).

“Croatia gave us Severina's sex tape, while the Serbs gave us Slobodan Milosevic. Game, set, and match: Croatia!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Croatia

“Since the Australian football team is mostly Croatian, we win either way.”

~ Stjepan Mesić

It has been said that "Croatia and the Croatian people are the only ex-Yugoslavians who were right!". And as long as you discount the whole "invading Hercecgovina and blowing up a 600 year old bridge for no good reason", it is generally held to be true. They are very proud of the fact that it is impossible to translate these curses in any other language because of their brilliance. Every second word in Croatian is "kurac" - it can mean almost anything depending on the context. Croats believe they are Iranians, Avars, Bulgarians, Slavs, Illyrians, but above all else, Croats. Everything but Serbs. Essentially, this means their parentage is unclear.

When a Croatian is bored of the country he was blessed to live in, he goes to Australia which is already inhabited by more Croatians than Croatia itself. When there, he will never stop saying that Croatia is the most beautiful country in the world. Croats outside of Croatia are known for being more Croatian than Croats actually from the nation.


The map of Croatia looks like the letter C (although perhaps it is a boomerang, a croissant,a magic banana or a Moon), which actually also shows how hard-working the Croats are. They are so tired after sleeping at work all day that they need to sleep a few more hours, especially when they miss the daily dose of the national drugs, coffee and gossip. The drowsiness is expressed in typical regional expressions: "I-don't-feel-like-it"("Neda mi se") and "I-don't-want-to."("Neću")

Dubrovnik, built by Game of Thrones film set crew

The Croatian capital, Zagreb, is mostly full of students and foreigners. There is an urban legend about people actually born in Zagreb, but all witnesses have disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Zagreb is home to 101 Dalmatians. All the grass in Zagreb has been eaten by cattle that mysteriously came from the east.


Croatia comprises two regions, the inland (also known as Slavonia and Središnja Hrvatska), which was part of Hungary for a thousand years and therefore thinks it is really Austria, and the coast (also known as Dalmatia, Primorje and Istria), which was part of the Venetian Republic for a millennium and therefore thinks it is really Italy. The two parts despise each other; the pale-skinned inlanders for their coffee addiction, the tanned coastals for their obsequiousness to foreign tourists.

The two regions have different dialects of Croatian. You can tell which part of the country you are in by looking at the locals. If they sit in front of their houses, you are in southern Croatia. If they sit in front of their houses, you would be in northern Croatia.

The coastal region (also known as magyar tenger) mainly lets Croatian fire brigades compete to see which has the better Jeep. There are also some serious fires, but the fire brigades do not fight them, as there is no budget for suitable equipment after buying the snazzy all-terrain vehicles.


Croatia's history is long and glorious (at least, according to Croats), Croatia never really officially existed as an independent country until 1991. In 1991, Croatia started a new, independent chapter as the most obscure department of the European Union. Eurocrats cannot enforce their Europe-wide directives in Croatia, nor even find it on a map.

Through recorded history, Croats worked with past acts such as the Avars, Franks, Byzantines, Hungarians, Venetians, and Austrians. Nevertheless, this long rich history came to a new direction in 1918 once the Croats came into closer relations with the Serbs through the idea of a big united state. An idea the Croats would regret for the next hundred years. Though it is generally believe that the Illuminati global conspiracy is responsible for the feuds between the two. The Hague has yet to except the claim.

Croats have a history of multiple unions with their Balkan counterparts. All of them ending in demise when Serbs forgot sharing is caring (and that ethnic cleansing is not a widely accepted hobby). In honor of that separation, they named a city on the Adriatic coast, Split. The more recent wars between Croats and Serbs ended with victory for the Croats. Travelers entering the country know this seeing as Croats haven't shut up about it ever since. A series of Franjo Tudjman statues are placed throughout Croatia to ward of the spirits of Slobodan Milošević and Ratko "baby face" Mladic.


The narodna noshnja is an export, like cigarette smoke or coffee stains.

Croatia's major exports are sunshine, fortified homemade liquor, dark tan, nice vacation memories, and pregnant tourists. Minor exports are popular music, unusual clothes (called narodna nosnja), digestive problems caused by a wide variety of food that compels people to overeat, and curable sexual diseases.

Tourist services are well-developed; they will tell you so. Croatia makes more of its few-hundred-kilometer coastline than neighboring Hungary does with the 90 km Balaton Lake. Fully two of Croatia's many beaches have sand instead of the typical rocks. It is a matter of national pride that a beachfront theme is, "Experience the true Sahara," a truly creative way to put a happy face on chronic outages of the fresh-water system.

Apart from robbing and exploiting tourists, a significant source of national income is foreign loans. They are not really loans, as Croatia has no serious intention to repay them.


Croatian science (or znanost, knowledge) marches on with the invention of a perpetual motion machine. The announcement of this invention, the "gravitational engine" of inventor Miroslav Stabek of Sarajevo, appeared in the authoritative Croatian state news agency Hina, to dispel all doubt as to its believability. The announcement stressed that "all proceeds from the product over the next two years will go to the Croatian state budget."

Croatia is known as the birthplace of Serbian inventor Nikola Tesla though Serbian scholars refuse to acknowledge. Dragan Molovic, senior historian in Belgrade believes it cannot be since "Croatia is a fictional state run by Anarchist Serbs." When asked about Tesla himself claiming Croatia to be his homeland, Molovic replied "it is impossible for a Serb to be born in another country."


Croats pride themselves on their beautiful culture. The bullet riddled water tower in Vukovar (it is said to be a reminder, but national repairman Igor Cevapcicic who was supposed to repair it after the war says he will "get to it when he gets to it") is a national treasure. The land mines scattered across the western parts of the country provide a perfect natural deterrent to impeding refugees.


Croatians are very hospitable and friendly (except if you are Serbian - I guess that they really hate their neighbours) in so much as they want to know everything about you ASAP for use in the sport "What-Did-They-Do?" Also most of the people will be very communicative: every time you ask "Do you speak English" they will answer very politely "Ne!" (eng: NO!) and keep on looking at you.

You will find very devoted customer care especially in shops where people (even if you assure them that you don't speak Croatian) will continue promoting the qualities of the products they sell. Also, once someone does something noble to help you out, they just wont stop bragging about it: "Ja sam tebi brate tada pomogo, a ti meni ovako sad!"

There lives in this country a fellow named Nebojsa, meaning "tho one with no fears". The name itself is unpronuncable in any other language except Juuuebate, the language of the drunk. Nebojsa, also know as the whitest-of-them-all, for he never gets a sun tan. He roams through the depths of city saying "PLJUsnucute", "Prasice" and "AUPICKUMATERINU". Yo mamma a cunt.


The primary language of Croatia is (surprise, surprise) Croatian!! (Actually it's whatever brings the tourist dollars/euros in "Our Beautiful" - "LIJEPA NAŠA" (as they call their country).) It is said, that the country will soon be called "Our Expensive", for they salty prices are said to be a bit too big, for a country that has 99999999 (the number is still in measuring) beaches, but only two of them, which do not have rocks and have sand. The two most important sentences in Croatia are "We should do it" and "It should be done". Over 1300 years, those ancient sentences marked Croatian history in terms of establishing its sovereignty. Recently, Croatians found a new science that explains the importance of these two sentences - should-be-ology. After proclaiming the independent Republic of Croatia in 1991, this sentence has become the national excuse for everything from establishing the Law of Rights to making the ferry come on time during summer.

The Croatian language largely consists of trying to avoid vowels, with double points for using z's and j's. The creator of Wheel of Fortune--the game show in which contestants can "buy a vowel"--was a Croat, though Croats never buy vowels but save their money for coffee and beer.

Croatian is totally different from Serbian despite common roots. For example: tea in Croatian is said čaj but in Serbian it is said čaj. If you already speak Serbian, it is easy to learn Croatian. Some Croats speak Slovenian and it is easy to recognize them: They just mumble "kaj" and act like drunk farmers.

When Croats aren't talking about Serbs, they brag about how much you can curse in Croatian, with curse words that proudly can't be translated into any other language. Every other word in Croatian is kurac, which can mean anything.


Croatians are avid sports fans. Croatian athletes have won international renown, but inside Croatia, the most popular sports are Coffee-Cup Lifting, Smoking and "What-Did-They-Do?” These sports require intensive training, typically at coffee shops, even during working hours. Employers support Croatian sports by excusing work absences. The most famous Croatian sportsman is Janica Kostelich. Her big ass is the main reason why she keeps on going down the hill that fast. She, like fellow skier Ivica Kostelich, looks male but has a female name.

Another popular sport in Croatia is beer drinking. It links the population to the Czech Republic. Old men and teenagers train for this sport all day every day. They sit in bars (the kafic) and try to zbariti (hit on) the waitress.

Croatians celebrate every defeat of the Serbian national team, in any sport, by any opponent, as enthusiastically as they celebrate Croatia's own victories. Although recent reports found an odd anomaly of Croatian television feeds cutting out when Serbians are about to claim victory. A local priest claims it may be "the ghost of first president Tudjman sabotaging the broadcasts" and has carried out multiple exorcisms at the nation's single TV tower. Researchers are still investigating.


Croatian popular music is considered tolerable, especially in surrounding countries considering what the Balkans tend to put out.

The most notable Croatian star is Severina, at least among connoisseurs of pornography. Her private video is the most watched film in the Balkans; and she sings too, as though anyone were listening. Her singing is most often accompanied by the national instrument, hands clapping, from which the music genre gets its name, klapa.

Traditional music is sung in cafés (bument is the "prim" which can only be played by flaming homosexuals). One of the most popular Croatian Guitar/Bass/Drums/Harmonica/Gajde/Piano/Ukulele/Triangle/Harp/Dajguze/Anal Drombulja/Vibrafone players iz Zoran Vincic or "Zvina." He loves to say "Pićka" and is a 21-year-old virgin.

Some undying bands just keep making new albums, as some people just can't face the fact that they are u kurcu. This mid-life depression fleetingly affects people over 30, unemployed, and still living at home. The prevalent national musical genre is Sviranje Kurcu. But artists like Prljavo Kazaliste still roam the land, singing out-of-date pop/rock ballads to dated audiences.


Croats are generally nice at borders (except if you hold a Serbian or Slovenian passport). A warning is issued to all elderly Serbian and Slovenian passport holders to bring a book during border crossings. Failure to do so might result in death from endless "I was part of the Oluja" stories that the border guards tell to elderly travelers. Such stories can be stopped by offering the border guard 10 Euros or telling him how amazing and relevant his 10 year old story is.

Current Developments

Croatia is now trying hard to become a protectorate of the European Union, a natural consequence of centuries of foreign domination and its effect on the Croatian national character. In recent events, with the Refugee crisis facing Europe, Croatian Prime Minister Milanovic claims "Croatia will do the right thing and welcome the refuges with loving arms into Slovenia.When asked what he will do about the growing problem of refugees and major unemployment and financial problems facing the country, he responded "I'll get to it when I get to it."

See also