HowTo:Drive in Croatia
“Koji jebeni kurac sad ti izvodiš?”
To drive in Croatia you must:
- have perfect driving skills
- be an extreme hater
- try to outrun and block everyone else at every opportunity
Otherwise, you will be labeled a pičkica, which is an insult reserved for the outcasts of society.
Driving Schools and Tests
Anyone who attends driving school and pays 6000 kuna, or who does not hit the open road the first time he or she sits in a car is a pičkica. A real driver starts by doing a mad dash from Livno to Split in his or her father's 1993 VW Golf III, followed by a 50 euro bribe to get a license without taking driving lessons or tests.
Anyone who slows down before reaching a traffic light that is green, amber or has just turned red is a pičkica. A real driver hits the gas and whizzes past the light without worrying whether it had turned red.
Anyone who does not attempt to overtake every single vehicle in front of him or her is a pičkica. A real driver will always overtake, even on blind curves, over double solid white lines, in the Sveti Ilija Tunnel and in public garages of shopping centers.
Anyone who does not pick a parking spot that is both as close as possible to the destination and as difficult as possible to get into, who pays for parking or who uses angle or perpendicular parking is a pičkica. A real driver parallel parks his or her Mercedes-Benz S-Class perfectly into a space that seems shorter than the car in 2 seconds.
Using the Horn
Anyone who does not use the horn on every single vehicle, pedestrian or animal in front of him or her is a pičkica. A real driver honks the horn whenever another car slows him or her down by trying to turn left, when there is a child on a zebra crossing and when a dog or cat appears.
Anyone who fails to direct rivers of curse words at every other road user is a pičkica. A real driver unleashes a flood of molten fury at every man, woman, child, baba, road work crew, traffic light, cat, dog, tree and elementary particle he or she encounters while driving.