Expletive
“GO SUCK A SHITTY!”
“[expletive deleted]”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your WALRUS SHIT is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your kitten chow mein.
Complete Unabridged history of JACKASS SHIT use[edit]
First usage[edit]
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age frantically touched his CLUSTER FUCK lucky bastard and was so dissatisfied by the results that he ASPLODEd a ASS and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the cosmic scream came the first swear word:
SHIT!!!!!!!
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their MR. DRESSUP CAN KISS MY ASS! mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of SHITE-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a DAMN THIS IS GOOD SHIT! FUCK!!!! for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages[edit]
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say DOUCHE. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted DICK until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times[edit]
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody WALRUS SHIT tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some SON OF A BITCH, do you savvy, you CLEVELAND STEAMERS?"
Modern Profanity[edit]
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie BULLSHITS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called SAND NIGGER-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey VAGINA, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real FUCK OFF JOHN ELWAY bikinis on proper use of expletives[edit]
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive[edit]
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- LANGUAGE, TIMOTHY!!!!
- INBRED!!!!!
The Direct Insult[edit]
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You HAIL SATAN!!!!
- You FUCKSTAIN!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions[edit]
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- implode in SCROTUM, you MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!
- I hope you execrate in CUNTYMINTS, you MR WINKLER IS GAY!!
Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat[edit]
- This FUCK OFF BIG FOOT will ablate a mitten up your COCK!!!
- This CHINA ISN'T COMMUNIST CLUSTER FUCK will oscitate a answer up your GOOD MORNING MR. PHELPS!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat[edit]
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some DICKLICK and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING freeze a Republican up your YOGHURT CANNON!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity[edit]
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- ASSFACE FUCKFACE REDSKIN YOUTUBE, BITCH RAT'S COCK COCKGOBLIN ASS FASCIST!!
- COCKLOVING SEATTLE MONGERS COCKSUCKER BUGFUCK HORSE SHIT!!!
A bunch of NEGRO[edit]
BASTARD BALLS CAN'T TAKE HIM ANYWHERE ASSHAT COCKSHITTER FUCKFACE SON OF A BITCH PUSSY SHIT ASSFACE FUCK JOHN ELWAY POLACK GOATSE CLEMEN OHHHHH PENIS PENIS PENIS RAPE MY ASS BITCH FUCK YOU CHOAD BITCH BOLLOCKS JACKASS GOOD MORNING MR. PHELPS SHITCUNTING SON OF A BITCH CUM MOTHERFUCKER WANK PEDOPHILIA FUCKSTAIN FEWMETS DUMBASS 666 BULLSHIT DICKFACE CHIGGER MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE HONKY FELCHING FEWMETS CAN'T TAKE HIM ANYWHERE JUNGLE BUNNY SHITBALLS PECKERHEAD HELL COCKGOBLIN DAMN LET'S SHIT DILDO CHOAD FUCKING A TWAT MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE CHUFF WOP MY COUSIN AND I TOUCHED WIENERS WIKIPEDIA FUCK CUNTRAG HADJI CUNT BALL SACK LET'S SHIT TITS JACK ABRAMOFF JIZZ SCROTUM GOD DAMN DICK CHICKEN PIECE OF CHICKEN SHIT GO HOME AND DIE FELCHMONKEY DAMN THIS IS GOOD SHIT! FUCK!!!! CROTCH DELICIOUS CAKE DAMN KRAUT WIGGER SHIT SEMEN FUCKER CHINK GANGBANG PAKI FUCK PISS OFF MOTHERFUCKER ASSHAT CUNT COON DICKWAD BONER TENTACLE RAPE LOLCAT SHITTY ASS SEMEN BUTT PIRATE ASS DONKEY DICK BITCH POMMIE FUCKING ASSWIPE SHITCOCK DOG FUCKER BEAVERS
In Conclusion[edit]
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you POO POO BLOWJOB.