Expletive
“GO SUCK A MARCH OF FLAMES!”
“[expletive deleted]”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your JACKASS is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your cod.
Complete Unabridged history of SCRATCH! GROUNDER! use[edit]
First usage[edit]
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age fervently touched his BASTARD angel and was so dissatisfied by the results that he destroyed a FUCKSTAIN and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the quick scream came the first swear word:
SHIT!!!!!!!
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their PISS mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of FUCK YOU-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a POWERSHIT for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages[edit]
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say GOAT DICK. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted GARBAGE DAY! until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times[edit]
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody I RAPE WALRUSES! tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some GOOD MORNING MR. PHELPS, do you savvy, you WILLY WONKAS?"
Modern Profanity[edit]
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie SHITS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called FROG-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey WHERE? IS? MY? MOTHER?, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real FUCK OFF MR. DRESSUP CAN KISS MY ASS! bums on proper use of expletives[edit]
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive[edit]
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- SHIT!!!
- CHALICE!!!!!
The Direct Insult[edit]
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You BASTARD!!!
- You BARBRA STREISAND!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions[edit]
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- cramp in GIVING HEAD, you SHIT!
- I hope you sniff in DICKHEAD, you HADJI!!
Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat[edit]
- This FUCKWIT HI, BILLY MAYS HERE will discalceate a love up your JOHN SMILEY FACE!!!
- This NORTH KOREA BIG HAIRY CRUSTY HORSE VAGINA will advocate a cucumber up your PUNANI!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat[edit]
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some ASS and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING sniff a cheval-de-frise up your BIGNOSE!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity[edit]
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- MILF POLACK DAMN CUNTRAG BONER SHUT UP, MEG! FUCKWIT!!
- HORSE SHIT CLUSTER FUCK NIGGER COCKGOBLIN!!!
A bunch of SUGAR[edit]
HELL DICKHEAD DILDO NINE-AND-A-HALF INCHES SHIT REDSKIN BOOBS SEX RONNIE CORBETT FUCK YO COUCH, NIGGA REDNECK POO POO BLOWJOB SEX CUNT ROSIE O'DONNELL FUCKING A CHOAD FLYING FUCK BIG HAIRY CRUSTY HORSE VAGINA JACKASS SHIT SHITSLINGING ASS LICKER FAT, STINKING BELGIAN BASTARD FUCK YO COUCH, NIGGA MILF EMO JOHN SMILEY FACE NAZI SHITE HATE HATE HAT ARSEBADGERS FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK DAMN IT MONKEY BALLS WANK DELICIOUS CAKE ASSCRACK PISS ARTIST FELCHING SHITE NEGRO FUCK CLEMEN DAMMIT ASSFACE POTTYMOUTH DIPSHIT SHITCOCK COCKJUGGLING THUNDERCUNT FALSE BENSON SHITBALLS SHIT FRITZ DAMNED TABERNACLE DAGO ASS DAMN TURD DOUCHE YUKKY DOODY BALLS PISS OFF SHITFUCKER CLEVELAND STEAMER CRAPFUCKER FASHION BUG DICK WANKSPLAT SUCK MY COCK CUNT BEAVER ASS SHIT DOT HEAD HO ASSHOLE SCUMBAG FUCKHEAD MONKEY SHIT FROM 2 OF THE 6 WRITERS OF SCARY MOVIE ASSTARD THUNDERCUNT TIMBER NIGGER DUNE COON SHIT FUCKHEAD JIZZCOCK THONG TASTER WINDOWS VISTA DOUCHEBAG WANK DAMMIT SCUMBAG HELL DONKEY PUNCHER PISS CUNNILINGUS PISS ARTIST RAT'S ASS WIKIPEDIA PRICK DOODIE HEAD SHITFACE CAN'T TAKE HIM ANYWHERE SHITHEAD MONKEY SHIT PISS ARTIST BEAVERS
In Conclusion[edit]
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you WARNER MUSIC GROUP.