Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
“Zey must have been ze best scholars of my film school!”
“Not enough explosions.”
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (1971-2008, 1974-2008) were an Emmy, Golden Globe and Nobel Prize winning screenwriting duo who mostly operated in film. They were also highly successful directors, musicians and Norse gods. They have been lauded for their work in films such as Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Gone With the Wind, Disaster Movie, Vampires Suck, Citizen Kane, Date Movie, Random Movie, Movie Movie, and The Land Before Time. The duo consistently worked closely with other famous directors and writers, most notably mentoring a young Steven Spielberg. They themselves had been mentored by the god of film himself, George Lucas. In terms of critical analysis, Friedberg and Seltzer's films have received overwhelming acclaim and countless accolades, and the pair themselves have garnered between them a total of twenty Best Director Oscars, five of which were won posthumously.
According to legend, as mere infants Friedberg and Seltzer were separated from their respective mothers. They both managed to survive, however, by drinking the man-milk from a he-wolf that had taken them into his care. Because of their shared hardships growing up they were always inseparable, usually playing doctor (or more specifically, proctologist) with each other for hours on end. When they matured, the two founded modern Hollywood in the late 70's, basing it around the powerful comedy tool but allowing other filmmakers to direct movies of other genres. Ambitious, they were not satisfied completely by building just one empire. Thirteen minutes later they invented the companies Disney, Google and Microsoft, and later the non-profit organisation Wikipedia, a satircial parody of Uncyclopedia.
After making enough money to last them a lifetime, the duo began writing/directing films. Following a string of cancelled projects, the pair discovered the most intelligent type of comedy, parody. Their first film, Date Movie (2006), received overwhelmingly positive reviews from critics. Critic of television and film Roger Ebert perhaps best summarized the world's reaction when he said, "I was stunned. I mean, we were all kind of dumbfounded at what we had just seen. I compare it to what Adam must have felt when God first granted him sentience. Only better!"
After the success of Date Movie, the two caught the eye of George Lucas. Lucas, at the time working on "Fridge Nukers 9", told the duo that he would like to work with them. Despite years of work, none of the footage shot with Lucas was ever shown to the public. In an interview before his death, Seltzer said, "It felt so right. The god of gods was teaching two other gods film. We actually showed the finished project to a couple of interns George had lying around in his basement. Their eyes burned out of their fucking sockets. They just watched George at his most fucking brilliant! We were like, well there's no fucking way we're releasing this. It kills people."
Lucas, along with God, eventually judged that the world was ready for another Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer film. The pair started work on Epic Movie, considered by all film critics to be their magnum opus. After its release, riots formed outside the gates of Hollywood, with thrilled audiences begging to get a glimpse at the creators of the film. At the time, the duo were still busy returning from the billion dollar humanitarian world screening of the film. The film combined comedy with elements of socio-political commentary, humanitarian and charitable themes, criticism of George W. Bush, French New Wave cinema, German impressionism, Russian impressionism, Impressionist impressionism, and Paris Hilton jokes.
Meet the Spartans was the duo's next film. A prequel to 300, Friedberg and Seltzer proved that they could tackle action as well as satirical comedy. Meet the Spartans has been lauded for its powerful message, and for mixing challenging dramatic elements with lowbrow comedy. Indeed, many movie-goers described sitting through the film as a difficult experience.
The duo's next film, Disaster Movie, not to the confused with the vastly inferior Perfect Disaster, focused on anarchy and social upheaval in a futuristic cyberpunk setting. The film is noted for its mix of action and meaning. It has been critically praised by all of earth's film critics. It was so successful that the duo would eventually lower ticket prices from "ten dollars" to "free". As reported by Friedberg, "It was just getting so big. We felt that everyone should have a chance to see this, rich or poor." Following the commercial and critical success of Disaster Movie, the dynamic duo decided to try something funnier, and upon realizing that Stephanie Meyer and her Twilight franchise is one big fat joke by itself, they decided to give Twi-hards the respect and praise they deserve. Of course, what Friedberg and Seltzer classic wouldn't be complete without their intriguing and often thought-provoking pop-culture references, and this time the pair aimed rightful praise at musical icons Lady Gaga and the Black Eyed Peas. The film was released in August 2010 and was, predictably, a box office record breaker, as well as getting a 99.2% acceptance rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
Jason and Aaron decided that they couldn't end their career with just a huge box-office success, but with a film that could be considered a masterpiece and also a classic with time. The idea of "Masterpiece Movie" started off when Aaron was reading a "Cleo" magazine and found himself a whole new bunch of pop-culture references to work with. After five years of fine script refining and polishing, both Jason and Aaron agreed that "Masterpiece Movie" was ready for production.
“I wanted Masterpiece Movie to be somewhat different from my previous films you know? So instead of having a cow fall I decided to have a horse fall. And I also decided to auto-tune the farts for extra pop-culture references”
Film critic Roger Ebert described "Masterpiece Movie" as being a new addition to his top ten list, together with 3 Ninjas, Laurence of Iraq and other classic films. "Masterpiece Movie" now stands at third in AFI's top 100 list. Jason and Aaron's dream had been accomplished.
Final weeks and death
Conflict with George Lucas
After co-producing another smash hit, The Land Before Time, Friedberg and Seltzer decided that they were the rightful owners of the title "God of Film". While they respected George Lucas, who had held the title for nearly three centuries, they decided to usurp the throne from him. According to legend, Friedberg and Seltzer flew to Lucas' floating cattle farm, Skywalker Ranch in full battle attire. Lucas, who was meditating in his chambers, sensed a disturbance and immediately donned his trademark aviator sunglasses, which some say have the power to destroy childhoods with a single glare. Seltzer initially tried to flank Lucas, butwas struck in the knee and scrotum with a swing of Lucas's mighty turkey neck. Friedberg, trying to attack Lucas directly, managed to wound him slightly before sustaining catastrophic wounds to the hip and upper thigh. The pair retreated back to their Hollywood
house mansion fortress, defeated and ashamed.
While the dynamic duo tried to recover from their loss, sulking and eating like, 4 fucking pints of Breyers each, Barbarians from the east had been attacking Hollywood's providences. Worried that the Barbarians were getting bolder, Seltzer dispatched an army led by himself to combat the new threat. This caught the ire of Friedberg, who felt that they were beyond military action and advocated a quiet pacifism. In a press conference, Friedberg said "bargaining with the desperate" would have solved the crisis. Nevertheless, Seltzer continued to march his army eastward to the attackers. Seltzer's battle plan has been called military genius by the world's war leaders, even though it ended up failing due to a technical error. His army consisted of the cast and crew of Epic Movie, who were to re-shoot the film on the battlefield, let Seltzer work his magic in the editing room, and then show the finished product to the barbarians. It was expected that the Barbarians, who had never seen film let alone an Aaron Seltzer film, would collapse and die at the sight of this. Indeed, many experienced movie goers had passed out and died during Epic Movie's initial theatrical run.
After several months of marching, Seltzer's army reached the fields of Rohan. They were shocked to see a massive force of organized Barbarians in battle formation. Seltzer suspected a traitor, and had his entire army executed. Realizing he needed an army to fight, he called former friend George Lucas to apologize and ask a favor. "He called me up," Lucas said, "and we really buried the hatchet, right there. He asked me if I could do him a favor and revive his army. So of course I said yes. I mean, what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't?" After his army had been revived to full heath, Seltzer began shooting his renewed version of Epic Movie.
The Battle at Rohan
Unfortunately, right before shooting was to begin, all two hundred cameras brought along for the shoot malfunctioned. The reason for this has never been explained, but eminent historian Joseph P. Banks theorized "Shut the fuck up."
The Barbarians saw their chance to attack, and began a charge at Seltzer's army. Seltzer rallied his troops with an infamous speech, often called the Epic Movie Address.
“Four score and seven years ago, I brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in contracts, and dedicated to the proposition that all movies are created to be parodied. Now we are engaged in a great war with barbarians, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. Long live Hollywood, long live Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer”
Sadly, this epic speech didn't help the fact that the army was made up of actors instead of warriors. The estimated 6,000 barbarians quickly flanked and surrounded the out-numbered army. Seltzer tried desperately to repair the cameras, but was hit with a spear in the neck. Two of his most loyal soldiers, Captain Jack Swallows and that one black midget, carried him off the battle field. He ritualistically committed seppuku and had his head removed and hidden by the two soldiers. To this day, his head has not been located. The rest of Seltzer's army fought and died bravely, the only captive being a Paris Hilton lookalike. Her fate is still unknown, but she is presumed famous for no reason.
Trouble in Hollywood
Seltzer's son, Michael, was named on his will to inherit the republic. Friedberg, however, was still in power. This caused a split in the empire. Friedberg created West Hollywood for himself, and gave East Hollywood to Michael. There was a bitter rivalry between the two, and political tension began to mount. Finally, the East Hollywood Senate declared that it would no longer officially recognize West Hollywood as a nation, and began to assimilate western territories as their own. A bloody but short civil war began and ended with a stalemate between January and February 2008.
The barbarians who had defeated Seltzer at the battle of Rohan had continued to rampage Eastern Hollywood's territories. Eventually, the barbarians arrived at the gates of the city. Michael, having no prior military experience, thought that the marauding invaders were just guests visiting his kingdom. Despite numerous warnings from his servants, he opened the gates and allowed them to enter.
“They're here to PLAY!”
The barbarians wreaked havoc on the city and took Michael prisoner. Although he eventually escaped, he recounts the experience as having a profound impact on his life.
Michael later went on to found another republic, the Neverland Ranch.
Friedberg's last stand
After the death of Seltzer and the destruction of East Hollywood, Friedberg lost much of his will to live. Family and friends had noted a change in him prior to his death. Audiences also noticed a change in tone in Friedberg's films. Friedberg's next film, Spoof Movie, had such an emotional impact on viewers that it created worldwide anarchy and riots. At least one middle aged man is reported to have died from dehydration after catching explosive movie-diarrhea. The barbarians used this anarchy as fuel to progress their campaign of destruction.
West Hollywood had been completely surrounded by August of AD 4. Friedberg dispatched the 300 Spartans he had been personally training to the gates of the city. Many of them knew it would be a last stand. As the gates of the besieged Hollywood burst open, the outnumbered Spartans let out one last battle cry and rushed the barbarians. After a long and bloody battle, the barbarians forced their way into Friedberg's estate.
“I am tired of all these motherfucking barbarians in this mother fucking estate!”
With one mighty blow, Friedberg annihilated himself and the barbarians out of physical existence.
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have been honored as heroes. They won every Academy Award in every category posthumously, as well as winning the Pulitzer Peace Prize in the category of Best War Strategy. They have also been praised by the green community as the greatest environmentalists the world has ever known for recycling the same movie concept over and over again. The duo were survived by their sons, Michael and Jason Jr. The two have hinted that they would like to continue in their father's footsteps and become film directors. On September 10th, 2008, the new duo announced plans for a new film dedicated to their fathers simply entitled "A Movie". Upon release, it received mixed reviews; Michael and Jason Jr have vowed to do better in their next film, which will reportedly be a pornographic buddy cop comedy.
|This article was mentioned in Metacritic, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here|