David Cronenberg

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David Cronenberg is a seasoned Canadian pornographer and an amateur film director, respected only amongst the higher echelons of film critics and housebound gore fetishists.

Early Life[edit]

"Who wants to sit on uncle David's lap?"

At an early age, young David came upon his father's large and considerable stash of snuff films. At first, David did know what to do with these films, but suddenly he was struck with a deep and hefty revelation. He came to see that he could recreate the films exact dialogues and plots, and just add in some existentialist mumbo-jumbo. Never did he guess this would be come to be known as deep meditations on humanity's pyschosexual relationships.

Film Style[edit]


Almost all of Cronenberg's works feature the soothing smooth jazz of Howard "Maps to Psychosis" Shore. The scores feature sweeping orchestral chord progressions which fill the listener full of optimism and wonder about what tomorrow holds. Polls conducted by the Ludwig van Beethoven academy of music outside of several arty cinemas indicate that Shore's music put them to sleep before the movie could start.


Cronenberg's films are filled with intelligent people having very intelligent conversations, filled with artful metaphors and clever figures of speech. For example, this line from the kiddy porno Crash:

Colin Seagrave: "I want really big tits, out to here, so the audience can see 'em get all cut up and crushed on the dashboard."

As you can see, Cronenberg's writing stands erect like a monolith among ants, much like he does during he does when watching surgery. In this short segment, we get a glimpse into one man's desire to have large breasts, and then to have them promptly shattered for all to see. This is obviously a metaphor for something.[citation needed] Furthermore, this line is simply the pinnacle of Cronenberg's insight into modern day psychosexual relationships:

Vaughan: "Spit out your gum. I don't want it going up my urethra."
Airport Hooker: "Yes, Daddy"

Art. There is no other word.


Contrary to other pornographers, Cronenberg realizes you need more than a pizza delivery to get those gears grinding. Cronenberg believes that for there to be sex and lots of it; in films, there has to be a two-hour plot that doesn't even reveal what actually happened by the end of the movie. For example, to justify the violent stairwell sex scene in A History of Violence, Cronenberg conjures a deep, dark, story about heroes and their roles in modern American culture, the implications of dark pasts, and how violence permeates each and every orifice of modern society. Due to the fact this movie got nominated for several awards, Cronenberg realized this wasn't such a bad formula after all.

Notable Works[edit]

Crash: Bend a fender to upholster the erotic.
Porn of the A-Ring.
  • Shivers: sex and parasites
  • Rabid: sex and armpits
  • The Brood: sex and children
  • Scanners: sex and exploding heads
  • Videodrome: sex and TV
  • The Fly: sex and bugs
  • Dead Ringers: sex and twins
  • Naked Lunch: sex and bugs 2.0
  • M. Butterfly: sex and transvestites
  • Crash: sex and... well, it's just sex
  • eXistenZ: sex and videogames
  • Spider: sex and mental health
  • A History of Violence: sex and the Irish mob
  • Eastern Promises: sex and the Russian mob
  • A Dangerous Method: sex and Freud
  • Cosmopolis: sex and capitalism
  • Maps to the Stars: sex and fame

As you can see from this list, Cronenberg has fooled us all into thinking he was deep. On the other hand, it was always obvious.